Stickman Readers' Submissions March 21st, 2007

Love Lost 2

China Hotel Guide
• Inn Fine Hotel
• Lai Shing Holiday Resortel
• Silverland Hotel
• Dongguan Hotel

I was not expecting the level of responses I received in regard to my first submission. It was submitted as a broad picture without much detail. Besides that, much had already happened with me and Nok by the time I sent that submission to Stickman. With
one exception, the emails I received were generally well thought out and/or intentioned. That says something for Stickman readers, or at least for those who choose to respond to the submissions that are posted.

Two main points were addressed by the readers. First was my relationship with Dave and how I could consider forgiving Nok but not Dave. Second was whether or not I should be considering continuing the relationship with Nok. So I have decided
to fill in some of the holes, so to speak. This particular submission will focus on me, Dave and Chrissy (Dave’s wife). As such, it has no relevance to Thailand but I will get back to that in the third submission. A third, less probed area
concerned my inability to see what was happening. I promise I will get to that in good time.

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In the first submission, I know I came across as a good guy. In my dealings with Nok, I absolutely was. In this submission, the picture I paint of myself is less flattering. In fact, some of you may change your opinions of me and that would
be understandable. I will not hold back and try to pretend I was something other than what I actually was. There will be no gory details but I think you will get enough of a picture to imagine what we were like. Just know that it was worse than
I am stating.

Dave and I had been best friends for 16 years. We were like brothers. I love his wife and children. After my falling out with Dave, I continued to have a relationship with Chrissy and the kids. To his benefit, Dave has never discouraged this.
Dave transferred into my high school in the middle of the 9th grade. I had always been a bit of a loner but something just clicked with Dave and we instantly became friends. From that time, we were inseparable. There isn’t much to tell
about the high school years that really has any bearing on the story. We were, basically, two shy kids who weren’t sure where we belonged. After high school, we drifted for the summer. It was during this time that we developed confidence
in ourselves and, worse, we started looking at women as nothing more than objects to satisfy our desires. I’m not saying that they were not satisfied sexually, but we surely did not care about any emotional needs.

Being as close as we were, it was only natural that we ended up going to the same university. In fact, we shared a place the entire time. It was here that we became something I never would have imagined. Callous. Cold. If there was a bigger
bastard than me, I never saw him. We shared and traded girls like we would share a shirt. Oddly, it really wasn’t hard to find girls that would tolerate our behavior. Many times I’ve wondered how anyone could have so little dignity
and self respect. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose that statement would apply to me as well. I’m not saying every girl we ever brought home tolerated what we subjected them to but it would be safe to say that it was greater than
90% of them. If we had each brought someone home, after we were finished with our fun, we would swap girls and go again. If only one of us had brought someone home, many times the other would join in a threesome or, if not a threesome, the girl
would just be passed to the other without much more thought than you would give passing someone a cigarette. It still amazes me how easy it all was. Looking back, though, my behavior sickens me. It would be fair to say that I would never want
any son of mine to be like, nor any daughter of mine to meet, the man I used to be.

This was brought home to me by one girl I’ll refer to as Mary. Mary was one of those who we involved in a threesome. This occurred on several occasions. I know she only tolerated this because she liked me but I do believe I was honest
with everyone about what I expected of them and what they could expect in return. Without going into any detail about who was where or who was doing what, I’ll just say that Mary was able to look me in the eyes and I saw such a profound
sadness and hurt in those beautiful eyes of hers. After that, I told her it would be better if she didn’t come around any more. I ran into her, quite by accident, a few years later. I was at a friend's wedding and I bumped into Mary
and her fiancé. The look of fear and uncertainty in her eyes told me that she was still haunted by what I had done to her. I pretended as if I didn’t know her and I wished them a happy future together. Seeing the relief in her face,
realizing I would not betray her past, made me realize just how badly I had hurt her and so many others.

We were alike in so many ways, Dave and me. From our attitudes to our tastes in women, specifically what women turned us on, we were more alike than not. Things started changing in our last year at university. I started growing a conscience
and Dave started getting serious about someone. I remember the first time Dave brought Chrissy home. He took me aside and told me that this time was not going to be like the others. He was in love and would not be sharing this one. From that day,
Dave never participated in any more of the debauchery to which we had grown accustomed. I’m not going to say that I suddenly became a perfect little angel but my activities were curtailed as well. Instead of a never-ending series of one
night stands, I started keeping girls around for awhile. Never more than a month, though. Beyond that I lost interest. Dave and I never had secrets from each other. He would tell me things that he couldn’t tell anyone else, and vice versa.
I heard all about his struggles and temptations. He really worked hard, after the life we had lived, to be faithful to her.

After graduation, we both ended up working for the same company and we bought houses across the street from one another. The job didn’t work out for Dave. He lasted only about a year. There were simply too many temptations for him.
Yes, I heard about all of them. We were inseparable from the age of 15/16 so I could usually tell what was going on with Dave even if he hadn’t said anything. Before I brought Nok into my life, I can say with certainty that Dave had never
betrayed me or Chrissy. Of this, I am absolutely certain.

Throughout my life, I treated a great many women like shit. Never once did I feel love for any of them. Nok was the first. I think I was only able to get close enough to feel anything for her because I had no sexual interest in her when we
met. She was fun to be with and, without her, I’ve no doubt my time in Thailand would have been miserable. Some might say that what happened was some sort of poetic justice, maybe even bittersweet irony, given my past. Maybe it was, if
you believe in that sort of thing. Maybe, then, you will understand that Dave didn’t make it through this unscathed either.

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Unfortunately for Dave, he ended up contracting herpes himself. Wanting to save his marriage, he came clean and told Chrissy everything. She suspected as much, because of the way things had played out between me, Nok and Dave. There’s
a big difference between suspecting and knowing, though. Out he went. Know that she never planned on not taking him back but she sure planned to make him pay for his indiscretion. From Dave’s mouth, here is what happened between him and
Nok. He came over one evening and found her crying. She had it in her head that I was screwing someone else. Why she thought this will be covered in part 3 of this story. She was distraught and vulnerable and he took advantage of her. Of course,
how do you say it’s taking advantage when it happened on three separate occasions? Even though he loved his wife, he had not wanted it to end. By his own admission to his wife, he was the aggressor and it was Nok that finally put a stop
to it.

How do I know all of this? Chrissy told me, of course. After she threw him out, and the two boys were in bed, she came over crying. She apologized for what Dave had done and then started talking about what she could do to make him pay. After
a few too many drinks, she suggested going up to bed. Being the gentleman that I was, I could hardly turn down such a request from a lady. So I took her upstairs and put her to bed. I bet you weren’t expecting that. There was no doubt in
my mind that she had not meant what she said. Then I jotted a quick note to her and went across to her house to be with the boys. After checking on them to see that they were ok, I went down and slept on their sofa. I had considered just bringing
Chrissy home and putting her to sleep in her own bed but didn’t want to take the chance that (a) the boys might see her in the state she was in or (b) see something they didn’t understand and be confused about what was happening.
Even as mad as I might have been at Dave, Chrissy was my friend too and no way could I have hurt her. From the day that Dave met Chrissy, I was always there for him. I propped him up when he needed it and I kicked him in the ass when he needed
that. Dave and I had been through everything together. He was the brother I never had. The one time that I needed Dave to stand up, he failed me. This is why I can never forgive Dave. Nok, on the other hand, was / is someone I loved but, in relation
to Dave, I had barely known her.

A few months after I bumped in to Mary, I received a letter from her. She told me about how I had made her feel and how she had hated me for so long. Even though we had only seen each other for no more than a minute, she said she realized
I was not the same person I had been and she finally forgave me. There was much more, but it is all so personal that I won’t say any more about it. I have kept that letter all these years and I think about it / Mary often. It reminds me
to consider the consequences of my actions; not just for myself but for all involved. It reminds me of the person I no longer wished to be. It reminds me that, no matter how far I’ve come, I still have further to go. It reminds me that
the heart is capable of displaying boundless compassion. It reminds me that there are things in this life much worse than anything Nok did. Of course, Nok’s story brings that frightening reality home all too well.

Until next time…..

Stickman's thoughts:

Cripes, I don't know about other readers but you make me feel like you're standing in a confessional and letting it all out!

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