Readers' Submissions

Incountry 19




I have left.

I have not left Thailand.

I have left Princess.

Thank you to all of my friends who have written to enquire about my health and well being. I am fine.

Last week I left home and moved into a hotel. It was not my swiftest or smartest move. But it got the job accomplished.

What pushed me over the edge?

The Princess bar fined herself three nights in a row to attend birthday parties with her friends. Normally she asks me to go. Sometimes I do. If I expect a bunch of cheap charlie Thai men who are unemployed or little employed I know I will be expected to pay most of the bill and I don’t go to those.

This last week she asked me to go to none of the parties. So I realized she was taking her Thai boyfriend.

The last of the parties was Pan. I have known Pan for two years and even cooked and completely paid for her last birthday when she came to Chiang Mai to visit.

I expected to be asked to Pan’s but I was not. No bother I went out with a group of friends and after dinner and some minor entertainment ended up in a Thai Karaoke club around 3 AM. It was good fun and the people singing were great. It was a mixed crowd, mostly couples of restaurant employees and others just off of work. No working ladies, not that kind of place.

Sitting next to me was the meanest looking man in Pattaya. He is one of those people who crime never happens to. Late at night when he walks home he has but to stare at an approaching mugger on a motorbike and the kid falls off the bike. He walks across the street and cars stop. He walks down the sidewalk and people cross to the other side of the street. He also owns an Estonian beer bar in the Arab quarter.

The Karaoke was owned by a couple of middle aged masculine looking ladyboys who were tending bar. It was three AM and I had my share of beer so I leaned over and introduced myself to the meanest looking man in Pattaya. Of course, being born and raised in Detroit among the automobile factories I spoke a little Estonian along with a lot of Polish and numerous other Eastern European languages that peopled the assembly plants of Chrysler, Plymouth and Dodge.

At Dodge Main English was, I believe the third language spoken. He turned and looked at me for what seemed like an hour but in fact was only a few seconds and in heavily accented English, reminiscent of a Dracula movie, “How do you know I am Estonian?”

“I was at your bar the other night.”

“Oh, yes I remember you were with Rot. You really like that old whore?”

“No she is just a friend but she does give the best BJ on Soi Bao Kaow.” At that my new acquaintance guffawed in laughter slapped me on the back which knocked me off of the bar stool which caused him to laugh even more. When I finally regained the bar stool he insisted on paying my tab and buying me another beer.

I formally introduced myself and he told me his name was Lu Lu. What would you do? I of course bought him a beer while attempting to stifle my own laughter. The meanest looking guy in Pattaya’s name is Lu Lu. Must be like that Johnny Cash song, “A boy named Sue.”

While we were happily talking about old times in Estonia Princess called me and I asked her and Pan to join us. That sounds easy, doesn’t it. Actually I ran outside and got a passing motorcycle driver to tell Princess where the club was. I really didn’t know. I know that sounds a little strange but it was late.

In 20 minutes Princess and Pan showed up and I introduced them to my new bosom buddy. But alas they did not like the club so we left and went to one of the girls choosing.

It was beyond a hole in the wall. It did not even have a door visible to the street. I had walked past the place a hundred times and did not know it was there.

Princess knew everyone in the place and flitted around like a social butterfly. It was a “guy for pay” Karaoke. There are a lot of them in Pattaya where Thai women come to play while hubby is home sleeping or out of town.

I was uncomfortable but going along with it because it was Pan’s birthday when one young Thai guy, 15 years Princess’s junior came over and gave Princess his phone number I left.

I went home, packed a suitcase and headed for the door.

I got half way to the hotel on foot when Princess and Pan spotted me and started yelling at me to come home.

I continued to the hotel where the security guard asked me if he should throw out the yelling ladies.

I said no just don’t let them follow me into the elevator.

About an hour later the phone calls started. I finally agreed to come back to the house and talk. Realizing the time and her drunken state I figured she would be asleep by the time I arrived. I was correct. I took another 5 loads of things to the hotel while she slept.

The next day we had a chat and I told her I was afraid of her violent temper when she was drunk and although I did not mind giving her money I was not going to support her Thai boyfriend. I told her this in English and Thai four times and then took another load of stuff to the hotel.

So there I was sitting in my hotel room alone, security guards protecting the hotel entrance and after the night before they all had a working knowledge of the lady that was after me.

The female hotel staff were frankly wonderful and very helpful to my slightly shaken state. I made my way across the street to a Belgian restaurant where I could keep an eye on the entrance of my hotel and introduced myself to the owner and his wife. Very nice people and it was at this place that I ate most of my meals for the next week.

It was while eating a schnitzel that I realized I no longer had a woman at home and the sky was the limit of my forthcoming adventures.

I felt like I felt when my second wife had kicked me out. I drove down the winding mountain highway in the mountains at first feeling hurt and betrayed and then the scowl turning into a smile as I remembered my 750cc V Twin black Honda Shadow was still parked in a garage in Little Rock and the ladies at the Bull Durham club loved that bike.

I took a short nap and headed out to Bar Noi. The fellows at Bar Noi all congratulated me on making it out alive and decided I needed some consoling because of my obvious aggrieved condition.

After the dance of ten tigers we all staggered into Soi LK Metro and tried to drink ourselves sober. There was “One legged Dave”, “One eyed Mike”, “Washing machine Roy”, “Motorcycle Dave”, Mick and Mack, “Black Brian” and the boys from Guernsey. A similar group might have graced the afterdeck of Black beard’s pirate ship. I didn’t want to go into the Champagne A Go Go. I tried to explain to them I had a platonic lady friend there and her seeing me with such a motley crew might endanger a relationship that I had taken a long time to build up. Well, maybe not a long time in Western terms but a long time in Pattaya Time.

You remember the song, “Living on Pattaya Time.”

“An hour seems a minute when you know you are gonna finit. Living on Pattaya time.”

My objections notwithstanding they dragged me in.

Stickman's thoughts:

Many, many readers will be happy to hear that you extricated yourself from "Princess". Let's hope the cut is clean and she doesn't try and woo you back. Be strong, Kelly!