Readers' Submissions

The Brokenman Is Repaired Part 6

  • Written by Phet
  • February 7th, 2007
  • 42 min read



I know it is time for me to think about making another trip to the Kingdom of Thailand when I realise I haven't been out socially for over a month.

I know it is time to consider making arrangements for a trip to the kingdom when my bank account reads ?00.00. This means the overdraft created from my previous trip is now repaid and it is time to run into debt again.

I know it is time to begin seriously making plans for another trip to the kingdom when some tattooed slag with an arse like two bags of shopping and a face like a welders bench returns my friendly smile with "in your dreams you old tosser".

I know it is getting urgent that I book the trip to the kingdom when I receive a visit from the Environmental Health Authorities concerned that the metaphorical hump on my back and the abnormal swelling of my gonads, created from almost 6 months of sexual abstention, constitutes a public health hazard.

I know I must, with all good speed alight the big bird for my Bi-annual despunking.

Those of you acquainted with my previous body of scribblings know I do not enjoy much success with western women. I often avoid the pain of encounters with English women by not going out. No matter how immune and thick skinned you think you have become to the rejections of women, the gratuitous and insensitive manner in which they are delivered still hurts.

But once I have made the phone call to Lazy Vacations, reserved the Thai air flight and received confirmation from the Nana Hotel, a transformation comes over me. Liberated from the uncertainty of my next sexual encounter, I feel free to venture out on Friday nights to town centre pubs again. With a dispassionate attitude I am like an anthropologist observing the wildlife on the Serengeti of Africa. Watching the flower of English womanhood drink smoke and curse like Turkish mateloys is like seeing nature in the raw. I can not fail to observe that 80% of English women, who go out on the pull on a Friday night, are by any standard seriously fat. This is without consideration of the misspelt tattoos, tasteless body adornments and total absence of any dress sense capable of eliciting the sexual attentions of a sober man. Is it any wonder an ever increasing number of British men prefer the alternative that is 5000 miles away in the Kingdom of Thailand.

My only other observation is that men over the age of 40 who can dance with any discernible sense of rhythm are obviously gay.

With the "Just for men" applied to my hair and my scrotum cleanly shaven, my last minute preparations are complete and I begin my journey from the Balkan enclave known as Heathrow Airport. Thai air flight 917 sees me sat beside two English ladies of my own age who are on route to visit the Angkor Wat in Cambodia. Perfunctory discussions lead me to believe that they both wear "comfortable shoes" so before I get the inevitable question "why are you going to Thailand" I put my headphones on and engage myself in quiet reflection.

The question why do I make this journey is a valid one. A colleague recently advocated the Eastern European countries such as Poland as equally suitable places for sex mongering. There are allegedly plenty of beautiful and available women within a couple of hours flying time of UK.

My answer invariably is I prefer Asian women.

But whether this is actually true or am I confusing their availability in Bangkok with a true preference may be the premise of a future submission.

12 hours later I arrive at the new Suvarnabhumi airport which is very impressive. It is wonderfully spacious except for the arrivals area after passport control which was seriously overcrowded, a situation made more acute by the limo drivers, couriers and general hoi- polloi touting for business. I am delighted to be met by my old pals Frugal Phil and Union Hill. They drop me at the Nana Hotel whilst they put themselves outside a cold beer at the Big Mango in the Nana Plaza. I waste no time, I check in, take a quick shower change into my drinking clothes and I have joined them before they have got down their first beer.

I am introduced for the first time to the legendary Stickman who had apparently popped in for an orange juice on his way to Bible class.

We repair to the Dollhouse for happy hour and tie a few on before making the short step across the street to the Long Gun. Phil always complains about the acoustics in the Long Gun so he only has a couple more beers before he departs for his beauty sleep. For those of you who don't know Phil, he is somewhat of a legend in Suhkumvit circles winning Stickman's "where was that photo taken" contest with alarming regularity. His frugality relates to the knowledge of the happy hour beer prices in every bar and he is also famed for being the only guy who negotiated a credit note for a bar fine in a Bangkok go-go. Nevertheless Union Hill and I are big fans of the Long Gun and have a few more beers there before taking a taxi back to Nana Tai.

Now I consider myself a drinking man who can hold his own with most people however Union Hill is exceptional and could drink for a Rest of the World XI. I had drunk a shed full but he was at least 6 ahead of me. He was as fresh as a daisy and I was only standing by a genetic memory. My final image of that evening was entering a bar somewhere around the Rajah Hotel and Union Hill challenging a group of Yanks to a drinking competition. How I negotiated the 350 metres back to my room in the Nana still remains a mystery.

I awoke midday with the mother of all hangovers determined it would be last time this holiday. That evening I meet up once more with Phil and Union Hill in the Big Mango and again make our way to the Dollhouse. I still need a woman to remove the metaphorical hump on my back and I am determined not to drink that evening. I am impressed with this season's new stock at the Dollhouse and quickly bar fine a likely looking young filly agreeing a slightly inflated price for long time. I dispense with my usual process of due diligence in my indecent haste to get to grips with her.

My first suspicion that I had not made a good choice was when we got back to the Nana and she did not have her ID card with her. I had to sign the security man's book to get her up to my room. Then we have the discussion about what time she would stay till, which was distorting the definition of long time. She spent so long in the shower it may have bent the definition of short time. When we finally got to grips and I put it in her she went starfish on me. The last girl I had from the Dollhouse had a djim like a mouse's ear but this one had one more like a hippopota-mouse. I am afraid big brain relayed his disappointment to little brain who began to shrink within his party hat. Lacking any great interest by now I let her finish me manually, paid her up and allowed her to go home. I am now quite philosophical about these experiences, mai pen rai; I am in Bangkok and tomorrow is another day.

Midmorning I wander into the Nana hotel's Golden bar with a feeling of coming home. On previous visits I have always had a daytime girl from there. I chat to a couple of the older girls I know, but my attention is taken by a delicious little creature at the bar. When I am informed she has only worked in the bar a few days the decision is made and I bar fine her with indecent haste. Gae was 21, farm fresh and absolutely enchanting. She was the perfect remedy for the disappointment of the previous evening. I spent all afternoon exploring her exquisite little frame and she cheerfully took deposit of my 6 months sexual abstinence. I can endure half a year of celibacy if it always ends with girls like this. She was exquisite and had only 3 hairs on her mudgeon which fascinated me. She also looked absolutely wonderful in my Albion shirt.

Those who know me are aware that my particular perversion is not furry handcuffs in the Eden club or Katoey breakfasts but Asian girls dressed in a West Bromwich Albion shirt (small youth size). I always bring a few shirts for the girls to wear for me and I now have a fine collection of delightful photos. I have suggested a regular section in the clubs match day programme showcasing Thai girls in Albion shirts (small youth size) but surprisingly the idea was declined by the clubs directors.

I was only a couple of days into the campaign before I had one of those "only in Thailand" experiences. To give some background although I am self confessed unreconstructed monger, for a couple of years I have developed friendships with a number of ordinary respectable Thai girls. The past year I have established a friendship with a divorced Thai lady who lives in London and for 18 months has worked as a nurse in a hospital in the suburbs. Phan is an educated respectable lady of 40 and although I am certain she does not fancy me (evidence of her good taste) and our friendship is platonic, she phones me twice a week and we have become really good mates. She had returned to Thailand to sort out visas and work permits and told me she would be in Bangkok during my visit. I promised to take her out for dinner on the Saturday.

On Saturday morning she phoned me to confirm arrangements and asked if a couple of her friends could join us, to which I agreed. We meet up in the lobby of the Nana hotel. The one friend Nang is a nurse in the same London hospital and we had met previously, but the other friend I did not know. Pon had been to university with my two friends years ago and now worked as a senior nurse at a hospital in a city in Issan. 41 years of age she was an elegant and charming lady and the oldest woman I have entertained on my Siam campaigns.

I took them to dinner at the Huntsman bar under the Landmark. I was at my most charming (which is not a pleasant sight) and they clearly enjoyed the evening. They even enjoyed the Philippine band that usually empties the place by 9.30. But by 11.30 they became tired and as we are returning to our respective hotels, Phan informs me that her friend Pon quite fancied me. Now If I had been back in the desert of pulchritude that is West Bromwich this would have interested me greatly but I was in Bangkok so I retorted that the problem with respectable Thai ladies was I would be expected to court her for six months before I am allowed a kiss. With only a two week vacation I did not have time for that.

Phan smiled and said "No actually she wants to shag your brains out!"

I was surprised by her unexpected choice of idiom, which I ascribed to her working in London, but she continued, "I have not told you the full story and I admit that I have set you up".

Phan went on to explain that when she spoke with Pon a couple of weeks ago her friend complained that she had not had sex since her divorce 5 years ago and was getting very desperate. By all accounts in her home town it was difficult for her to find a Thai man interested in the task and she half jokingly asked Phan if she could find her a man from England to service her before it healed up.

"I know just the guy to sort you out" she informed her, hence the evenings arrangements.

I suppose I should feel mildly aggrieved at this aspersion on my character, but never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I waltzed the aforesaid lady up to my room without further ado. Expecting to have to gently coax her back into the pleasures of the flesh I was surprised that no sooner we were through the door she pushed me on the bed, dragged my trousers off and practically raped me. For a fleeting moment I thought of summoning a constable. I have never experienced such hunger in a woman and at one point in the proceedings I wished I had a pal or two with me to tag me. But I rise to the challenge. Her skin was unblemished and she had an amazing body for a 41 year old. Well toned with not an ounce of excess fat, somewhat reminiscent of Madonna in a recent video. At 05.30 she finally let me sleep. At 08.30 when she woke me, every muscle in my body ached, I felt I had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. But this resourceful lady proceeded to give me a full Thai massage for the next hour. I have always been somewhat ambivalent about the merits of the Thai massage but when I later emerged from the shower I felt more invigorated than I have done in years. At that point I felt I could have gone another 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, which is probably pertinent considering what my companion had in mind for the next few hours.

We meet up with Phan and Nang later and go shopping around the Paragon in Siam square. I used to hate shopping with my ex wife but I find shopping with Thai girls an absolute delight. Being with these three intelligent ladies was an unalloyed joy. The pleasure they had in their long friendship was clearly evident but they took great pains to ensure that I never felt excluded. They made me feel part of their circle which requires a sensitivity I have rarely seen in women anywhere on the planet.

When they finally tire of shopping I take them to Soi Cowboy. A complete perambulation of the Soi of Sin induces a sense of open mouthed wonderment in my innocent companions. We end up in Country roads (or whatever it is now called) to listen to some music and allow them to regain their equilibrium. My sense of mischief could not resist taking them in to the Long Gun, which I consider is the best go-go bar in Bangkok. They had never seen a go-go before and were absolutely mesmerised by the show although I did feel a little guilty about subjecting their delicate sensibilities to such wickedness. Ending back at the Big Mango for a final drink they were so excited they could not shut up about what they had seen. I retired with my nurse for more sweet punishment.

As well as bringing a couple of West Bromwich Albion football shirts (small youth size) I also bring some vibratory sex toys with me on my Siam campaigns. That morning during a long session I found I was beginning to flag (the spirit is willing but the flesh is clearly getting past it) so I was grateful for the assistance of my oscillating assistant. I left it with her whilst I went for a smoke and a rest in the armchairs near the lifts. She probably felt it was a far superior substitute anyway.

I am convinced if English women ever find a vibrator that could mow a lawn or put up shelves, men would be totally redundant in the UK.

That day Pon takes me with her to a large Toyota dealership south of the river to check progress and sort out financing arrangements on a car she was buying. I actually enjoyed the red carpet treatment we received at this very professional outfit as good customer service is a rarity in Thailand and it was pleasant for me to spend time in the company of this charming lady outside of bed.

That evening I left Pon in bed with my inflexible friend for company whilst I hastened to the Big Mango. Tonight was the night of the much awaited Stickmanites Convention. I will not expound too much on the evenings events as that splendid fellow Lector has established a far more eminent and appropriate vehicle for this in his Schoocher forum. Suffice to say it was wonderful to meet the great dignitaries of the site in the flesh. On a purely personal level the nicest experience for me was meeting Cassanudra. I exchange correspondence with many Stickmanites but Cassundra's friendly and amusing missives were greatly appreciated and the sound advice he gave me at that time was particularly helpful. I expected to see a much older guy and was surprised to meet a young Pierce Brosnan look alike.

There were no prizes for guessing that Union Hill and I were amongst the last to leave. But we did have Sick Water Buffalo, a true gentleman of the old school to keep an eye on us. Knowing that Union Hill is permanently thirsty we feel obliged to accompany him for a quick one at the Mandarin bar next door. I had my nurse waiting for me in my room at the Nana hotel. To quote the great philosophers Chas and Dave "I'd got my beer in the sideboard here". I only stay for one and return to her.

Some time ago Dana wrote a thought provoking treatise on the ethical dilemma of wasting the time of decent Thai girls. At the time I strongly disagreed but as I lay with Pon that night I felt a little concerned that maybe she was becoming serious about me and that I was toying with her affections. For the first time I understood the point he was making and I was anxious not to hurt this sweet lady. Fortunately my fears were unfounded. Pon is an astute woman she clearly had the full measure of me and although she declared she had enjoyed the past few days immensely she had no illusions about it. I was greatly relieved and was certain I would add her to the list of friends I keep contact with. I was worried about her losing her heart but instead I lost an Albion shirt and one of my vibrators into her luggage along with all the shampoo and soap from the bathroom she could cram in.

As I am checking out of the Nana hotel I bump into Dana and my journey is delayed by a very pleasant conversation. A little known fact about Dana is the encouragement he gives to other writers on the Stickman site. He has written to me every time I submit one of my modest ramblings and always with positive or helpful comments. When I commented upon this he made a most profound remark that he considers the Stickman site and its contributors as a club and as such it was incumbent on all members to give mutual assistance to each other. I agree with Dana unreservedly on this and must profess the support and guidance I have received through correspondence with fellow Stickmanites has been phenomenal. The sensitivity and value of the advice freely given over the past 2 years has helped me through some difficult times. The community of Stickman readers may be a broad church but its congregation includes some very exceptional people.

I eventually travel to Pattaya by Taxi Limo, it is a bit expensive but I did not feel particularly encumbered by a tight budget this visit and I felt too lazy to tackle the trip to Ekkami and the subsequent journey by bus. I arrive in less than two hours and check into the Opey de place as usual.

That evening I take a stroll down Walking Street to the FLB bar run by Rick. I first met Rick when he was running the Angelwitch in NEP some 3 years ago. I have always enjoyed his company and been impressed that despite his meeting hundreds of people in a season he continually remembers my name. He is a most engaging fellow; we have a few beers and exchange a few tales.

I later take a look at the new Secrets bar and was very impressed. I accept its concept of hostesses and coyote dancers may not be to everyone's taste but I felt really comfortable there. The staff was friendly and the food is very good. I stay there for the remainder of the evening eventually bar fining one of the hostesses. She was no great beauty but her pleasant demeanour and natural exuberance more than compensated. She had incredibly long nipples which are of great fascination to someone coming from a generation who were bottle-fed as babies. She was a very enthusiastic bed partner and inquisitive about my vibrator not having seen one before. She soon acquired a taste for it and it was the first time I have had a girl who was more exhausted than me the following morning.

I receive a phone call from my old friend Nat and she arranges to come to my hotel after work to have a coffee and a chat with me. I can tell she is still not very pleased with me because I would not let her and her sister collect me from the airport. I did this for the obvious reason of avoiding the implicit exclusivity. I could have had my sex monger certification revoked. She had retaliated by sending her sister Su back home to Issan so she can not spend the week with me as we had previously arranged.

A central theme in my previous submissions has been my love affair with Nat who was my first TGF back in 2003. Our relationship has changed over the past two years; we have become true friends and regularly keep in touch. She has acquired a rich farang patron, manages his business interests in the Kingdom and lives a very comfortable lifestyle. Although we are no longer intimate I always spend some time with her on my visits. On a previous visit she set up her 25 year old niece as my bed partner and on my last visit encouraged Su her younger sister to stay with me. I had visions that this visit I may have been expected to service her mother.

Su is the type of girl men's fantasies are made of, 23 years old, 5 foot short, intelligent, cute as a button and delightful. She is very light skinned for an Issan girl and has the endearing innocence of a na?ve country lass. It has taken me some time but I have finally figured out Nat's determination to match me up with her sister. With a typically perverse Thai logic she had established her commitment to her patron meant she couldn't have me herself but by assimilating me into her family she could keep me close. The added advantage (if not the primary motivation) would be I would have taken the financial responsibility of her sister from her.

Now Su is lovely and the very epitome of the "nice" Thai girl that most Stickmanites dream of meeting. But she is the baby of a quite well to do family and slightly spoilt. She is a modern Thai girl who has little conception of how to care for a man and can not even cook. I perceive the expectations of me are of supporting a daughter rather than providing for a wife. I suspect part of the expectation was to put her through University in the UK. Much as I really like her, I have neither the energy nor resources to make the commitment to keep her in the manner she has become accustomed.

Nat meets me as arranged and she admonishes me for not falling into line with her plans but we have been friends long enough for her to allow me to sweet talk her around. She also knew I had a special present for her. Since we discontinued our intimacy I have got into the habit of bringing her a new vibrator every time I visit. It started off with a small one as a bit of a joke but have got progressively larger and powerful in subsequent visits. The current one was a most impressive state of the art model requiring 4 batteries and capable of shaking loose the fillings in her teeth. I will probably have to draw a line as the next model up would be more suitable for compacting concrete. When Nat eventually left with her present firmly in her handbag our friendship was restored. Time to don my drinking shirt and hit Walking Street.

I start in Covent Garden but do not recall anything memorable and move on to Super baby a go-go which is one of my favourites. I am a little disappointed, there is not the buzz I have seen on previous visits, the girls are only interested in the Japs and Koreans, so I move on to the Carousel. I had a delightful girl from there a couple of years ago who made a big impression on me but have never seen her in there since. I often suspect that if I had met Da in the first two days of that visit rather than the last two, I would have been queuing at the Embassy for a visa for her.

I am selected by a lively little dark skinned Issan beauty. Two of the dek serves are her brothers which made me a little anxious. I was considering bar fining her when who should come on stage but my sweet Da. She sees me, waves and joins me at the end of the dance. She gives me the full "30 bob" welcome and unbelievably remembers my name (or takes a lucky guess). She is even lovelier than I recall. This left me in a spot because seeing Da I am no longer interested in my first choice but she had already claimed me as surely as if she had pissed on me. With her two dek serve brothers close at hand I doubted I could have taken Da out without a scene. I consider discretion is the better part of valour, check my bin and sneak out alone.

The next day I meet Nat for lunch in the Sizzler restaurant in the Garden Plaza. I must confess I hate the place almost as much as I hate McDonald's KFC and its Japanese equivalent MK, but she likes it. I can tell my present had put me firmly back in her good books because she had a smile like a Cheshire cat and had bought me a beautiful shirt and tie. The majority of Thai girls have no dress sense but Nat is an exception having exquisite taste. We spend a pleasant afternoon together as only old friends can. She explained she was reconciled about my reluctance regarding her sister and appreciated I lacked the wherewithal to support her. She understood my problems with English females and has always acknowledged my fascination with Thai women. She did however give me a lecture, the gist being every time I come to Thailand I start again with a new batch of girls and I never develop any meaningful relationships from previous visits. She worried that I was becoming the eternal butterfly and was concerned that unless I made some commitment soon I would end up in danger of becoming a lonely old man. I could not argue with her reasoning and the criticism was well deserved. I acknowledge I must make some decisions about my life, but that is for tomorrow. Today I am a sex tourist in Pattaya and tonight I am off to Walking Street again.

With Carousel out of bounds I visit Living Dolls. This is more like it with some absolutely gorgeous girls on stage. I had been enjoying the show so I hadn't noticed I had been in an almost an hour before I got a girl to join me. When one did she was a cracker, 21 years old very dark and exotic. She had full luscious lips that western women would pay thousands having fat tissue transplanted from their gargantuan arses to achieve. I bar fine her with unseemly haste.

In my newbie days I would work hard trying to show these girls what a great lover I was. These days I let the girls do their job. And this girl certainly knew her job. She was amazing. On the rare occasions you meet a girl who knows her craft and exudes such raw sensuality you get an insight into how the sexuality of queens and courtesans in history like Cleopatra, Theodora, and Salome held great men in their thrall and influenced empires.

It puts into perspective the vacuity of those bimbos from "Sex in the City" that have become icons to western women. I wonder how their tiresome discourses about commitment, communication and entitlement would have fared with Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar or Genghis Khan.

I awoke the next morning deliciously exhausted but felt obliged to take some exercise and end up in a quiet bar in Walking Street.

I spend an aimless hour or so playing the girls for drinks at that daft dice game they play, when a Katoey comes and sits near me. Whilst fairly tolerant of these people I prefer to avoid them if possible. One of the girls must have noticed the expression on my face and remarked "you don't like Katoey do you?" I did not answer but she continued "but this one is OK, she has a Swedish boyfriend and has had the full operation already". With this my curiosity is aroused and I turn to examine him/her with a new perspective. Many of them are stunning creatures but this one was exceptional. I buy her a drink and strike up a conversation. I explain I had never met a post operative Katoey before and was curious.

Fluent in English and surprisingly articulate she related her life story and described the processes she went through to achieve her present condition. I was fascinated and politely asked "Any chance of a look?" She turned on her stool ensuring her back was to the street and opened her legs wide revealing a tiny pair of pink panties. The first thing I noticed was a thin vertical line of moisture at the gusset which indicated they covered a feminine organ. "Just flick your panties to one side" I requested in my most courteous manner. She did so without protest and I was treated to my first ever view of a man made artificial mudgeon. I will not disturb the delicate sensitivities of my readers with too graphic a description but suffice to say other than two faint vertical scars it was a faithful facsimile of a ladies front bottom. It struck me that in the dark you would not notice the difference.

"I have a room upstairs if you want to try it out" she kindly offered.

I must confess I was very tempted it being on my list of activities to try before my eventual demise, but I was exhausted from the ministrations of my previous evening and suspected I would not get stiff enough to do it justice.

I politely declined.

On reflection I would have had enormous difficulty trying to explain or rationalise my actions if I had accepted. Judging from the reaction of Phil and Union Hill when I recited the tale a few days later, I made the correct decision to decline. My eldest son (20) confirmed this a few weeks later. His comment was that at the end of the day, no matter how attractive he/she was, he was still a bloke and it is still technically "bumming". He further suggested that it would have been a bridge too far even for me. However my youngest son (18) said he would have definitely gone for it, suggesting he is far more ready for a trip to the Land of vertical smiles than his older brother is.

I make my way to meet my football supporter pals in a bar Soi LK Metro. This new Soi is an impressive new development reputed to be the future site for the Pattaya branch of the Eden club. It is already the home of another Bangkok favourite Lolita's and looks set to be an up and coming location.

That evening I join Rick in the FLB and spend a few hours in his amusing company before ambling down to the Angelwitch. Although the shows are ostensibly the same as in Bangkok, the Pattaya version being a larger stage is better. The ambiance is more relaxed than Bangkok and I had an enjoyable couple of hours there.

I am as refreshed as a newt as I later enjoy a gentle saunter down Walking Street with the intention of returning to the hotel alone. I espy a Germanic looking guy walking just ahead of me dragging a couple of girls with him but notice the one seemed reluctant to go and was slowing his progress. I caught up with them but remained just behind them as I was inquisitive and saw an opportunity for mischief. The reluctant honey turned around and I noticed what a looker she was with full lips and come to bed eyes. I gave her my most charming smile and remarked "he is a very greedy fellow wanting two beautiful women". She disengaged from her friends grip and came to me explaining she did not want to go with him; her friend had dragged her along not wanting to be on her own with him. She then asked if she could stay with me. The guy stopped and gave me a menacing look which I returned with the regulation English football hooligans grin which seemed to dissuade him from taking it further. I proposed that I would go and have a beer in the ZAB music bar opposite and wait 10 minutes for her. My Teutonic rival seeing me depart continued walking with his captives in tow.

I had hardly taken the skin of my beer when my little refugee returned. Cutting to the chase I asked how much she wanted to stay the night with me and she threw a little tantrum telling me she was not a bar girl but worked in a shop in Bangkok and was in Pattaya on holiday. She had a lovely face and I thought if this was the role she wished to play then who was I to dissuade her. I played along with the charade which pacified her. In her early 30s, Nen turned out to be a smart and intelligent girl and we spent an hour or so chatting until the bar closed. I asked if she wanted to come back to my hotel, she agreed with the proviso I did not mention money again. Although she displayed an enthusiasm in the sack there was a naivety which suggested an amateur status. She had not shaved her mudgeon which was as moist as a mermaids flannel. This is a deciding factor for me and prompted me to suspect she was what she professed to be.

I am acutely aware there is no such thing as a free lunch so the next morning I offered her money suggesting she buy herself a little present, she still refused but was not offended. We spent the morning together and she told me more about her life. I concluded that she was in fact an ordinary shop girl who had come to Pattaya to find a farang boyfriend but found herself well out of her depth. By mid day it was time for me to return to Bangkok. I was beginning to develop rather a fondness for her. I suspect I have not closed this chapter yet.

I returned to Bangkok by taxi and booked back into the Nana Hotel, the old people's home that Dana refers to as the Mothership. I had arranged to meet someone that evening but she did not turn up so I repaired to the Big Mango to regroup. I fancied seeing the show at the Angelwitch but was a bit reluctant as I tend to encounter problems and hassles whenever I go to the Bangkok one. I bar fined my two favourite girls from the Big Mango to accompany me to the Angelwitch and protect me. I enjoyed the show immensely in particular the act with two girls ironing their clothes and getting dressed. However my two companions later reported a number of incidents where the dek serve girls were unpleasant and downright rude in demanding that they force me to buy drinks for them. There was one particular aged hag who was so persistent that my one Mango maiden told her in no uncertain terms that if she was so old and ugly that she couldn't entice a drink from a customer without employing these tactics she should retire immediately from the bar.

I am awakened by a phone call from Ana apologising for not being able to contact me the previous evening. Ana is one of my respectable girls; we met on the internet and have corresponded for about a year. She is 30 but looks 16 and teaches accountancy at a university in South east Issan. I find her enchanting and best described as the pretty but gawky Head girl we all had a crush on in High school. She was in Bangkok for a conference during my second week which was an opportunity for us to get together.

We meet up in the Nana lobby with the ubiquitous friend in tow as chaperone. I take them for lunch at the Bus Stop then catch the Sky train into Siam square for some shopping. We end up eating in the inevitable Suki bar. I fail to comprehend the attraction Thai girls have for establishments like MK and Suki but it seems inescapable that I will spend some time in one every trip. Ana buys me some anti wrinkle cream which she finds amusing and I wonder if she was trying to tell me something. The chaperone Pa is a pleasant but nondescript girl who appears decidedly uncomfortable in the company of a farang. They want to go to the open market so I leave them to it and arrange to meet them later.

When I meet up with Ana and Pa that evening it appears I have gained a third chaperone. In fairness Rene is quite interesting, with a European boyfriend her English is fluent and she was quite astute. It is still early so I take them to the Angels disco in the Nana Hotel. The Angel dancers are just about to give their show and I love to watch their innocent and charming dance routines.

We have a pleasant dinner in the Nana restaurant. They tell me they have never seen a go-go bar so I offer to show them the Nana plaza. We go to the Angelwitch and they are absolutely mesmerised. Anna is particularly thrilled and joked if she had the nerve to tell her students they would consider her the coolest Arjan in the school. We end up in the Big Mango. It is still only 11.30 but a story has been circulating about a taxi driver attacking a young female Japanese tourist and the girls are scared to travel late at night. I offer to pay for their taxi but surprisingly Rene interjects that I have spent enough that night (I was beginning to warm to this girl) and they decline my offer. I am certain that without the presence of her chaperones Ana would have happily stayed the night with me but mai pen rai. I see them off in the taxi and return to the Big Mango. I tell my favourite girl in the Big Mango about the anti wrinkle cream I had been given but she remarked that it was far too late for it to work on me.

The next morning I go to the Golden bar almost as it opens. It is a Kings day and all the girls are wearing yellow shirts with the exception of my little Gae and she looked forlorn and out of place. I asked her about it and she claimed because she was new she had forgotten the custom. I had a walk up the Plinochet mall near the Marriot and purchased one. When I returned and presented it to her the look of surprise and gratitude was well worth it. I barfined her and spent a very pleasant few hours exploring her delectable little body again. We had a late lunch in the Nana restaurant. I was amused by the incongruity of a farang eating a modest green curry and a Thai girl weighing less than 40 kg devouring a massive T bone steak. I let her go home about 4 o'clock and returned to the bar to meet up with my old mate Phil. Phil had brought along a colleague from KL. Ian was an eloquent and charming fellow and proved to be delightful company. We are soon joined by Union Hill and when Jim arrives the gang is complete and I suspect a serious drinking session is on the agenda.

One of the well known Nana Tai hawkers approaches me trying to sell me a watch, telling me he has no money to feed his children. I have purchased a few decent copies from him over the past two years but I have now exhausted the number of people I can give "Lolex" watches as presents. I decline and explain I have no money myself. He proceeds to loudly rebuke me "you know your problem, you spend too much money on drink and women and you have no money left to buy anything from me". His admonishment was given without any sense of irony and was quite serious. It was evident that he considered my single reason for existence and only purpose to be in the Kingdom was to provide an income for him personally.

I receive a call from Ana informing me her conference was running late and her friends were reluctant to travel at night. She was returning home the next day so she would not be able to see me. Whilst I declare a real affection for Ana I was somewhat relieved as these respectable girls are proving quite expensive to entertain.

The gang cram into a Taxi to Soi cowboy but the traffic is so heavy it takes us 30 minutes and we are too lazy to get out and take the 5 minute walk. We are early so we have a beer in Cowboy before settling in the Dollhouse. Union Hill was on a mission and went to the Long Gun. Phil Ian and I repair to Rawhide as Phil has his eye on a cutie there. We enjoy a pleasant hour and I am considering bar fining a promising looking filly when Ian is quoted 5000 baht for long time by her friend. This changes my mind somewhat and prompts Phil and Ian to depart nearer home. I return to Nana Plaza and explore a couple of go-go bars but could not get enthused and inevitably end up in the Big Mango. There are some lovely girls there and a couple who are quite stunning but I must confess I was enamoured of one girl in particular who seemed to draw me there like a moth to a light bulb. I think I buy enough drinks for most of the girls to achieve their monthly targets and end up so totally refreshed and legless I return to my hotel alone. But not before making tentative arrangements with my favourite girl for the following evening.

It is Tuesday and my full last day in the Kingdom. I am astonished to receive a succession of phone calls from Phan, Pon, Nat, Nen, and Ana all wishing me a safe journey home which seems to take up most of my morning. I join Phil and Ian in the Booza bar on Soi7/1. It is the first real opportunity Phil and I have to have to catch up on each others gossip. Phil is a unique character; he has lived in Asia over 20 years but he will still stop a conversation dead to point out any exceptional honeys that happen to pass by. He still does this with the enthusiasm you only usually see in newcomers to the Kingdom. Ian is delightful company and even laughs at my jokes. He also gives me a copy of his latest book. We pass a pleasant few hours but I am on a mission.

I return to my hotel shower, put on my dining shirt and make for the Big Mango where I bar fine my favourite girl. We take a Taxi to a fancy new Thai restaurant on Sathong Rd. The d?cor and ambiance are impressive but the food was indifferent. I note the majority of diners are Japanese business men and I anticipate it will be expensive. When I receive my bill I was not mistaken.

However I can not fault the company that evening. My little Muang is one of the most astute and perceptive girls I have met on my visits to the Kingdom. Despite a rudimentary education she had a natural intelligence and self-assurance. If she had been raised in the UK she would either been mistress to a senior politician, a high class call girl or CEO of a Financial institution in the City of London. The morals required are similar.

We returned to my hotel I was not disappointed she delivered on all that her sensuality promised. When we fell asleep in each others arms I felt a real contentment. I am painfully awoken a couple of hours later with a violent attack of Thaksin's revenge, otherwise known as the Siamese squirts. The next few three hours are spent sat on the porcelain throne. Dean Barrett's book "Murder at the Horny Toad bar" got me through the experience until the Imodium took effect. My ass was like a flag of Japan. I must comment this was the first time in 6 visits I have had this problem. I eat street food and in modest restaurants with impunity so it is ironic the first time ever I get the Thailand trots it is from an expensive restaurant.

I catch a couple of hours sleep until my little Muang wakes me at 8.30 for a morning session. With most of my insides now in the Suhkumvit sewers I did not have the strength to shag her properly. Reluctant to let my gorgeous companion go to waste we indulge in an extended session Nippon style.

Of all the girls I have met this trip she is the one I entertained delusions of developing a relationship with but she was far too shrewd a business lady to get involved with the likes of me. We had breakfast together and once we said our goodbyes I checked out and left for the airport.

As I settled myself in for the 12 hour flight home I had time to reflect. This had been one the best holidays I had since my maiden voyage to the Kingdom in November 2003.

My three year love affair with the Land of vertical smiles has admittedly been a real obsession but also a voyage of self discovery. I can not deny my life is somewhat schizophrenic I am the metaphorical king in Thailand and farmer in England. For two weeks every six months I feel alive and actually feel like a man. The female attention I receive is in stark contrast to my apparent invisibility to western women for the remainder of the year.

My family and close friends gently admonish me for only living on a six month horizon till my next trip. My middle class, middle England friends and acquaintances however are disgusted with me and berate me for my obsession. They consider me a dissolute and frequently take pleasure in pointing out that I have now burnt my bridges with English women. I am well aware that my Siamese sojourns are an anathema to English women and evoke some quite violent reactions on occasions.

Whilst bemoaning this situation to a rather perceptive friend he suggested that I was being too hard on myself and there may be more than a slight element of envy in the remarks of my critics. I can not fail to discern that many of my detractors are little more than a beast of burden to their ungrateful and embittered spouses and their only topic of conversation is how the value of their houses has risen. My pal made the further observation that although I may lament my dearth of feminine companionship, I answer to no one. I enjoy an enviable relationship with my sons without the cost and heartache of supporting their mother. I can indulge my passion for football at will and the 8 hour Sunday drinking sessions I have with my brother and eldest son are the stuff of legends. I use the local casino like a social club and when I win I am known to blow it in the nearby lap dancing establishment. I get to Thailand twice a year and cavort with soft skinned lovelies younger than any of my beraters have experienced for 30 years. I live a better lifestyle than most 20 year olds and nearly all of the 20 year olds I know, rather than consider me a sad old tosser surprisingly have a mild admiration for what I do.

I returned to Blighty completely refreshed and relaxed knowing my hardest task in the next few days will be to explain the total absence of a suntan after 2 weeks away.

And I still have the finest photo collection of Thai girls in West Bromwich Albion football shirts (small youth size) in Christendom.

Stickman's thoughts:

Another nice addition to this series!