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Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 162

  • Written by Dana
  • February 3rd, 2007
  • 8 min read



HOW HAPPY CAN YOU BE?

'Different Strokes for Different Folks' and 'Whatever Floats Your Boat' and 'One Man's Meat is Another Man's Poison' and . . . are all idiomatic ways of saying: people are different. We all have different needs and different dreams. Lucky is the man whose dream has come true. His step is lighter, his need for medication drops, he is more fun to be with, he looks at his watch less, and he worries less. In my case I have lost weight and my diet has improved. Why have I lost weight and why has my diet improved and why is my step lighter?

My dream has come true. My twenty year (please lottery ticket win for me this time) dream has come true– thank-you Jesus: I believe in you now. I emigrated to the Kingdom two months ago (so long United States–it wasn't that great) and I am now long term leased in the 6th floor ocean facing suite of the AA Hotel on the corner of Beach Road and Soi 13/0 in South Pattaya. This is a wonderful little cult hotel, and the best location in Pattaya, and the best view of all the hotel views in Pattaya. I had a friend go out and buy and install all the computer equipment, and I moved the bed from the window that faces the ocean to the little room just inside the door. Normally, for a short term tourist the location of the bed right by the window with the view of the ocean and the boardwalk is a wonderful thing. Whether you are bonking, or dreaming about bonking, or just regrouping; the bed view of the ocean and the sky and the boardwalk right next to the window is an experience rich people would pay for. But I have set up my writing studio in front of the window instead.

Shelves, and reference works, and maps, and computers, and writing table, and printer, and speakers, and stacks of writing and printer paper, and record player and VCR and DVD stuff, and chair, and phone, and TV are all in front of the window and allow me to write looking at the boardwalk and the palms and the girls and the ocean. To be facing the ocean in the morning or the setting sun in the evening and typing a story or an essay while I peruse the boardwalk for lovers is a combination of pleasures that was made for me. I simply can not imagine anything more wonderful for me. It is possible to spot someone on the boardwalk from my 6th floor aerie, dash from the room, bring them back for lovemaking; and then pick up where I was mid-sentence as if it is actually a normal way of life. Believe me when I tell you: this life ain't normal. I am living the life of a king. I have a friend in the States who is going to ship me his tripod mounted WWI spotting scope so that I can view the boardwalk traffic a little more up close and personal if you get my meaning.

I am also going to try something I have not been able to do before as a tourist. Tell me what you think. I am going to have made up some signs that are about four feet tall and about three feet wide that have in big huge letters 100 baht and 200 baht and 300 baht on them respectively. When I spot a nice lady on the boardwalk and get her attention then I will hold up the signs in the window–naturally starting with the sign that says 100 baht. I thought about making up a sign that said 50 baht but I did not want to get a reputation as a Cheap Charley. I'm not Thai anyway so it would probably never work. Anyway, I think this long distance super convenient bargaining idea is a winner. If it works (of course it will work) I may have some window blinds made up that I can just pull down. The blinds will have the baht amounts on them. I'm a thinker. Anyway, tell me what you think.

Before moving in I gave my girlfriend Noy and my friend Gary and his girlfriend Num (my sweet lord what a sexy wonderful woman) a box full of money (I hate shopping) and they went out with a list. Ten days later there was four inch deep purple shag carpet on the floor and on the ceiling, the walls were painted red, and the two opposing walls were alternatively; covered with mirrors (one wall), and covered with fish tanks (the other wall). The reflections of the fish in the mirrors is awesome. Gary has a friend who knows a guy who knows a Norwegian who knows a golfer who knows . . . anyway I had a special electric line tapped into the light pole on the street and brought up the side of the building to handle all of my power needs. Other needs are met by a woman from Soi Pattayaland 2 who comes by every ten days to do my nails, and I have flowers delivered once a week by the Walking Street night cripple who sells necklaces. While I am typing this I am listening to one of my 78 records of surf music. The album is Surfin Senorita by the 3 Balls of Fire and the cut is Lonely Bull. I have a stack of these surf music 78's that I play when I am writing. Sitting in front of the window with jasmine in my hair, and patouli oil on my feet, and incense sticks burning grooves in the plastic computer frame; life is good. Life is good here in Pattaya for Dana.

Holy cowski–I just thought of something (no jokes). Back to the 'sign in the window' idea for negotiating with honeys on the boardwalk. Sometimes negotiating successfully requires some back and forth chatter. How's that going to happen? I mean it's not like I can have 500 of these signs to hold up in the window to cover every little option and variable and currency exchange issue and negotiating point contingency. And what about the woman on the boardwalk? She's got nothin'. Some sort of communication system is needed. God forbid I get myself all excited because I think some woman wearing high heels and a Mickey Mouse T-shirt has waved to me and on getting down to the boardwalk I find out she is a feminazi Baptist minister who was just waving a fly away from her face. Hey, it isn't easy being me.

Anyway, I think you can see the wisdom and the necessity of some sort of mutually understood whore-to-monger communication system and I think semaphore signals is just the thing. You can do that stuff with your arms. Kewl. Problem solved. All I have to do is teach the boardwalk cruisers of Pattaya how to communicate with me by using their arms to send semaphore messages. For instance:

Two arms up–"Yes"
Two arms straight out–"No"
Both arms pointed at their crotch–"More money"
One arm up and one arm down–"Smoke but no anal"
Both arms straight ahead–"Only Boom-Boom"
Two arms pointed down the boardwalk–"I have girlfriend"
Two arms waving wildly–"No condom ok"

Anyway, you can see the wisdom of this semaphore system for long distance communicating and signaling and negotiating. All I have to do is teach the girls how to send semaphore signals with their arms. That's right–I will have boardwalk classes in semaphore signaling. So if you are a newbie and it is your first trip down Beach Road and you see a short expat in black pegleg pants and a pink silk shirt out in front of a line of fifty girls and everybody is throwing their arms around as if they are being attacked by bees; that is me. Or if you are walking up the boardwalk one morning (or afternoon or evening) and you happen to see a man in a hotel window six floors up waving his arms as if he is insane and possible dangerous–once again that is me. Like I said–I'm a thinker.

Anyway, my people are currently negotiating with the Stickmanbangkok.com people to extend my contract for Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes to Part #1000 and at three times the pay. They aren't making it easy because they are Banger people and we are easy going Fun City people but I am sure it will all work out. My people are also negotiating with the Pattaya Mail newspaper for me to do a nightlife column in the manner of Trink in the old Bangkok Post days. I would make regular night cruises of the Pattaya nightlife from Soi 2 to Soi 16 and from Third Road to Beach Road with Gary's girlfriend Num in tow to act as translator and photographer. I have told my girlfriend Noy repeatedly that I am not personally attracted to Num at least ten times so I think that issue has been put to bed. Of course I am lying. Num would give dead men erections if she walked through a cemetery and I dream about her tying my arms and legs to the four corners of the bed and . . . but I digress; hey, I'm in Pattaya; what do you expect? In addition, I am going to rent the room next to mine and knock out the adjoining wall and install a glamour photography studio for bargirls. There won't be any charge to the girls for this. Just my way of paying back the community that has given me so much happiness.

I expect to type and to bonk until I drop. All of my dreams have come true.

Be happy for me.

Dana


Stickman's thoughts:

So Dana wants to retire to Pattaya and become the next Fun City columnist. Rush, rush, www.DanainPattaya.com is still available!