Something A Bit Different

The other day I had a new experience which spiced up my visit to Bangers. And I don’t mean extra chili in my tom yum goong.

Speaking of chili in your food, I like it very hot and spicy, so I always get extra chili put in it. When I eat in restaurants, food courts, I get amazed looks from the locals. They can’t believe a farang can eat like them! I’ve often heard them whisper to each other and pointing to my plate with their eyes bulging out their heads. They seem to think that their curry and chili is the hottest food in the world. I’m sure they never tried any spicy Indian dishes or Mexican chilies or even very spicy Sichuan dishes. Even some spicy Spanish or Italian salamis, pepperonis, etc would be a challenge for a Thai who is only used to Thai spices. But I digress.

The new experience I was referring to, although somewhat related to food, did not really have anything to do with culinary delights.

I’d arranged to meet some good old friends of mine, a mix of farangs and Thais, and when it came to deciding where we might have some food and drinks, one of the Thais came up with an idea which appealed to all of us. Somchai told us about a “No Hands Restaurant”, somewhere deep in a soi off Petchaburi Road, which he said would be a good place to visit, especially for some of us getting too bored with gogos, beer bars, cocktail lounges and massage places.

Of course, most of us had heard about no hand restaurants before, one well known place being the one in the Galaxy Complex behind the Montien hotel, which is a tourist trap for Asian tours and such. When I mentioned this to Somchai, he replied that the one he wants to take us to is not “same same”.

So we all agreed to give it a go and Somchai hailed 2 taxis to give them directions (there were 6 of us).

I know the soi was off Petchaburi, not New Petchaburi Road, but that’s all I can remember other than the fact that the location was on a corner of a sub soi.

When we all arrived, we proceeded to enter the establishment which was neon lit on the outside, but with more subdued lightning on the inside.

On arrival we were met by the host, a middle-aged gentleman, who greeted Somchai with great ceremony, like a valued customer. Following all the niceties, we were handed over to a mamasan, who said to our leader: “Khun Somchai, Oh maah laow, kittung Khun maak!”
(What else is new, I thought.)

Anyway, she led us up 2 flights of stairs and into a private room, which I guess was designated a VIP room.

The room was just big enough to accommodate a very large Chinese banquet style round table with a spinning top, which was recessed into a sunken position so you’re sitting at ground level but your legs were still allowed to be at a
proper sitting angle. There were plenty of cushions provided in case you felt like reclining.

It reminded me of some sort of Turkish harem scene without the concubines.

But we did not have to wait too long for them to arrive.

While a couple of waiters took our orders for a large bottle of Black Johnny and some mixers, (Thais like to bastardize pure top quality scotch), our mamasan started to bring us a selection of delectable female talent for our selection. The
first thing I noticed about these young nubile creatures was that they were of whiter skin and smaller stature to the usual lasses one comes across in the usual places.

After some to and froing, with the mamasan busy keeping up a steady supply of vixens, we all made our choices and just to be on the safe side and to make sure that we get well fed, we all had two of these lovelies, one on each side, sitting besides us
ready to serve.

Ok, so picture this; that makes 18 people all in all, around this round table ready to feast and gorge ourselves without any of us actually touching the food.

As soon as the food started coming in copious quantities, the girls got busy with their chopsticks gingerly placing morsels of food in our gaping mouths. Imagine a nest full a chicks waiting for Mamma to sustain us.

I had not been fed like this since I was a baby and I must say it felt good!

As I looked around the room, I noticed everyone was more than content.

I tried to actually have a conversation with my two assistants, but speaking English fell on deaf ears and when I switched to Thai, I could tell that was not their mother tongue either.

It turned out that 90% of these girls were from Chiang Rai, Tachilek, Mae Sai and most of them were either tai yai, Burmese or some northern Thai tribal race.

They were quite demure and subservient and seemed to be a bit scared to interact with farangs, as in this place they don’t encounter many of us.

As far as I was concerned it was pretty cool, I felt like I was back in a time tunnel, when I first came to Thailand.

Anyway, as the food kept coming and the Johnny Black got depleted and another bottle opened, we started getting pretty rowdy and decided to see if these youngsters had all their treasures in the right places.

With some monetary inducements (about 50 baht a garment) we managed to cajole them into unrobing so we could send their clothes off to the laundry. When you’re blotto, you say some ridiculous things, not that it made any difference
as they were all for earning their tips, and it was like one in, all in, no more inhibitions.

By this time Somchai noticed that things were getting out of hand, so he put a wedge under the door to make sure that we can’t be disturbed.

Next think I know, there is a girl sitting in the middle of the spinning top of the table and the game of pussy roulette begins. It works like this; wherever she stops facing anyone, the person has to eat furburger irrespective whether it’s
one of us or one of them.

Needless to say, the evening turned out to be an all out orgy, both culinary and the other.
Around 1 AM when we departed, the bill came to around 5,400 baht not counting the tips for the girls.

Not a bad party if I say so myself and a bit different from the usual BKK fare.

Stickman's thoughts:

Get ready for an onslaught of emails asking where that place is! Few farangs make it to such establishments.