Readers' Submissions

The Chronicles of Foster Foskin’s Adventures in Thailand #13

  • Written by Marc Holt
  • January 30th, 2007
  • 18 min read

Now Khao San road’s a funny place
Yer’ll see it all if yer stick around
A couple of Mossad blokes, scowlin’ faced
An ancient hippie, not yet in the ground

Over there yer’ll see a pair of Euro lovers
One is German; she’s got hairy armpits
The other is French, a big fat mama
With no bra and a pair of huge floppy tits

Khao San road, yeah Khao San road
Yer’ll never see anythin’ like Khao San road

The hippies are still comin’ ‘ere
All these years off the hippy road
They’re all stoned, but not on beer
Hash, grass, ecstasy, takin’ dope a la mode

Their hair is long, and their eyes are red
They stink the place up pretty bad
I think they sleep six to a bed
But not fer the sex, which is pretty sad

No shielas fer these poor lost souls
A smoke of dope and a plate of rice
They never see our Nana waterin’ holes
The bar girls there wouldn’t look at ‘em twice

With tattered clothes, and sunburned skin
Yer gotta wonder, eh? Where the hell’s the fun?
They don’t eat much. That’s why they’re thin
Roll another number, let’s toke another one

Khao San road, yeah Khao San road
Yer’ll never see anythin’ like Khao San road

Bluey, Dana and me, we’re here slummin’
We found a boardin’ house with a meager bed
No air, no curtains, and some bloody awful plumbin’
At the price it ain’t so bad, s’about all that can be said

We sit around and drink our beers
Watch the scene that’s passin’ by
Are those two dykes, or maybe queers?
Who knows if one’s a shiela? Perhaps she’s bi

Look! Here come’s a bunch of Thais
I wonder what they’re doin’ here? Are they
High-class bitches lookin’ for low class guys
Or maybe they’ve come ter watch the gays

Khao San road, yeah Khao San road
Yer’ll never see anythin’ like Khao San road

No matter what yer come ter Khao San for
Yer’ll find it all: The hippies and the hi-so’s
So c’mon and join us. It’ll never be a bore
It’s fun, it’s sad, an more than a bit on the nose

"Crikey Bluey, see if yer can bludge a couple of cigarettes, will yer mate? I need ter stick the bloody filters up me nose. This place is really on the nose. The stink in 'ere is enough to melt the paint orf the walls!"

We were sittin' in a little hole-in-the-wall restaurant on Khao San road. After all the excitement we'd generated around Sukhumvit we thought it might be time ter lay low a bit. Yer can't get much lower than Khao San, that's fer bloody sure.

Seated at tables all around us was the weirdest assortment of people yer ever likely ter see. Over there were a couple of seedy lookin' characters with 3-day beards, dirty shirts and stringy hair hunched over beers. They were talkin' quietly and intensely to each other, arguin' over a book lying' on the table between 'em. I'd bet me left nut they were Israelis. They 'ad that look of desperate paranoia, as if an Ay-rab was gonna burst in and bomb 'em any minute. I looked around a bit meself, just ter be sure. But all was quiet. I'm not paranoid, but it doesn't hurt to check anyway, eh?

At the next table was some bloke with dirty long blonde hair and big coke-bottle glasses, lookin' smart enough to have more degrees than a thermometer. He was hangin' onto the hand of a good lookin' blond shiela tellin' her fortune. She was dressed in a long gypsy dress, a white blouse decorated with spangles and what looked like astral symbols. Dunno what she was smokin', but she had a big grin on her face as the bloke intoned, "You vill meet a tall, handsome man. He vill take you away from all this. He vill be a bit rough around the etches, but he has a good heart und he vill treat you vell." And so on. I'd 'eard it all before. Actually, me new mate Dana said much the same ter the shielas over on Sukhumvit soi 4.

Of course Dana was with us. He had come when we announced we were going somewhere a little quieter so we could plan the upcoming golf tournament. As Bluey and me had already played a game at Phoenix we knew a bit more about the place than Dana did. When we started plannin' this caper I'd called up the club captain and explained what we wanted ter organize. So we now had a date in a week's time. Plenty of time ter get our plans in place, issue the invitations, and have some more fun in Thailand.

We were discussing whether ter order another beer when this lanky bloke sits down at our table. He was about six feet four in his socks, had a thatch of dirty blond hair, and wild staring eyes. But he had a big grin on his face so we figured he was a friendly native.

"Hey you guys! My names Kevin. How are you?"

"G'day mate. Nice ter meet yer. This is Bluey, Dana, and I'm Foster Foskin."

We shook hands and I was pleased ter note that the bastard didn't make any cracks about me last name. He told us that he was originally from Guam where his father was a US government official of some sort. He wouldn't say much about that, but he was obviously in a party mood and we started ter catch it from him.

"So what are you guys doing over here at Khao San road?" He asked.

I was just about ter answer him when me phone rang, so I left it ter Bluey ter do the honors.

"Hello darling. Where are you?" I grinned. It was the wondrous Miss Nok.

"G'day love. We're over at Khao San road layin' low. Just sittin' around a beer and discussing a golf tournament we're organizing." At that moment Kevin got up from the table saying he would be back in a minute. I turned me attention back ter Nok.

"Would you like me to go and see you, Foster?" She asked. Is the Pope bloody catholic? I told her where we were and she said she'd be over in a flash as she was in Silom road at the moment. "I'll be there soon, Foster. I miss you very much." Crikey, her bloody grammar was good.

I hung up and was just about ter talk ter Dana when the phone rang again. It was the Professor. "I say, Foster my good chap, I seem to be in a bit of bother again. Would it be possible for me to go and see you?"

I sighed. The Professor was in trouble again. "Sure, Professor. Come on over. I was going to talk to yer anyway to ask yer to join our golf tournament."

"Oh, I say! That sounds super. Where can we meet?"

So I gave him instructions and we hung up. At that moment Kevin came back to the table bearing a plate of chocolate he put down in front of us. "Here you guys. Here's some magic Guam chocolate. Guaranteed to make you feel good."

I looked. It was obviously home made. But I'm a sucker for anythin' sweet so I tucked in. Bluey had a couple of blocks, Dana grabbed a handful, and Kevin downed a couple too. It had an interesting taste. Not too sweet, with an almost 'earthy' tang to it that was quite pleasant. There seemed to be some chewy bits in there too. The chocolate melted in me mouth. Delicious! I reached out ter get a couple more pieces but Kevin grabbed me hand and said, "Better let that settle first, Foster. Like I said, this is magic chocolate and you won't feel the full benefit for about twenty minutes."

I cocked an eyebrow and asked, "Just what is in that stuff, mate?"

Kevin laughed and said, "Well, there's some special Lebanese blond hash, a bit of ecstasy, and a few good Thai heads all mixed up in it. We'll all be flying in about 20 minutes!"

I shook me head. "Do yer mean ter say yer just slipped us some drugs?"

Kevin sat back grinnin' like a bloody Cheshire cat. "And what will these things do, Kevin?" I asked.

"Ah, don't sweat it buddy. You'll love it. Just sit back and enjoy the ride."

Well, I've done a few things in me life so I thought why not? Meanwhile, a couple more beers wouldn't go amiss so I ordered another round and we started discussing the golf tournament.

About twenty minutes later I started to feel weightless. Me feet felt like they were wrapped in cotton wool, and I grabbed hold of the table to make sure I didn't float upwards. This was gettin' interesting.

Just then, in walks Nok, and did she ever look beautiful. I waved her over and stood up ter give her a seat. I sat down again. Whew! That was strange. I felt about ten feet tall and growin' when I stood up!

I said, "Yer'll have to grab yer own chair love. I'm feelin' a bit too woozy to stand up right now."

Nok looked at me strangely. But she found a chair and joined us. "What have you been drinking, Foster?"

Well, love, it's nothing to worry about. I'm really happy ter see yer. It looks like being an interesting night. Here, have a couple of chocolates.

Her eyes lit up and she took two pieces. "Oh Foster, how did you know I love chocolate?"

Well, if she thought she liked chocolate now, just wait until she'd eaten that. I didn't let on until she'd swallowed them. She looked a bit surprised, but then she grinned and said, "I will follow you anywhere Foster."

Strewth! How could yer not love a shiela like that?

At that moment Dana stood up and started howling like a male cat in heat. He roared and ran through the tables ter sit down with two of the most beautiful shielas I had ever seen in me life. I mean, they were perfect. Flawless skin, impeccable clothes, tall, elegant. What the hell were they doin' slummin' at Khao San road?

But I had more immediate concerns. Nok was cuddling up to me. How could I ignore her?

Just then the Professor walked in looking myopically through his new glasses as he searched for us in the crowd. He spotted me cocky's hat and made a beeline for us. Along the way he bumbled into chairs and tables, almost knockin' over a few beers amid a stream of apologies, but he made it safely and plonked himself down next ter Bluey.

"G'day mate. 'Owareyer, orright?" I asked.

He blinked and looked at me. "Er, what did you say Foster old chap?"

"I asked how yer are yer bloody galah. Yer look a bit upset. Let me order yer a gin and tonic and yer can tell us all about it."

I waved to the waitress, ordered another round and a G&T for the Prof, and then turned back to the task at hand. "Here, Professor, have a couple of chocolates. They'll calm you down and give yer time ter get yer thoughts in disorder."

He looked at them thoughtfully, obviously torn. But finally he reached out and took one. "I'm trying to lose some weight old chap. But I'll have one to be sociable."

I said, "Have another one Prof. Yer need it. You'll feel much better with a bit of chocolate in yer system. It's rumored ter be very beneficial fer the nerves."

So he took another one, popped them all into his mouth and a look of bliss appeared on his face. "I say! These taste rather good, what? Do you mind if I have another?"

"Sure, why not?" I could see he needed some help to relax, and these chocolates were definitely doing that ter me.

He took the last two and sat back chewin' on them happily. Just then our beers arrived and we toasted each other, and then another toast to the success of the golf tournament. Crikey! It was getting' hard ter concentrate on the plannin'. I looked around. Dana was still over at the other table chatting animatedly. One shiela had 'er hand snuggled down somewhere below his belt. Maybe that explained the cheshire cat grin.

I turned back to Nok and asked her how she was feelin'. "Oh, I'm feeling very good thank you darling. In fact, I feel very, very good. Can we go dancing somewhere?"

Well, I gotta admit, I was feelin' pretty frisky meself, so I said to Kevin, Bluey and the Professor, "Sorry boys, this first meetin' of the Foster Foskin Pro-Am Golf Tournament is adjourned to a more salubrious time. Let's go dancin'!"

We downed our beers, stood up and made our way through the maze of tables to where Dana was. He introduced us to his new friends. "Everyone (giggle, giggle), this is May and Ling. May and Ling, this is everybody you ever need to know!"

The girls smiled and gave us a beautiful wai. May lisped in a deep voice, "Nice to meet you."

Strewth! What had Dana got himself into? He obviously hadn't twigged yet that these were a couple of shims. Or had he? Yer never know with blokes like 'im. Anyway, I grabbed 'im by the elbow, said goodbye to the shims, and steered him out the door before he realized what was goin' on. I looked down. Crikey. He'd cracked a fat so big 'is bloody trousers were bulgin' like he had a rampant goanna in there.

"C'mon mate. We're goin' dancin'. And yer'd better put that away before we get there. Yer might not get through the bloody door!"

He was in such a state that he just grinned happily and let me lead 'im down the road. "Does anybody know where ter find a bloody disco around here?" I asked. I must of used me stentorian voice because half a dozen hippies grinned and pointed up the road, tellin' us ter go to the Blue Duck.

We squeezed our way through the crowds, me with Dana giggling all the way in one hand, and Nok jumpin' up and down in me other hand. I was hard put ter stand up straight meself, but we made it to the disco and trooped in.

The beat hit us and before we even got to a table Nok and Dana took orf fer the dance floor. I watched 'em go feelin' a bit lost. But not fer long. This gorgeous waitress took us in hand and plonked us down at a large table with a plush sofa wrapped around it.

We ordered drinks and then I turned to the Professor. "Now, me old mate. Why don't yer tell me what's troublin' yer?"

He stared at me for a few moments, lookin' like a stunned mullet. Then he shook his head and said, "Do you know old chap, I can't think of what the trouble could be. I feel so good that any problems I might have had just don't seem important any more. With that, he held up his beer, and shouted, "Whooeee!"

Well, no point in belaboring the point. I fell back into the velvet softness of the sofa and let the music waft through me body. I dunno how much time passed, but when I became aware again Nok was sittin' beside me, all cuddled up and lookin' very snug. She fitted perfectly. The Professor had snagged a beaut lookin' shiela from somewhere. Kevin was gone, probably dancin'. Bluey was curled up with a beer and a reasonable lookin' shiela. She wasn't no beauty queen, but I wouldn't toss 'er out of bed ter get to youse. Dana had two good lookin' shielas hangin' off him too. The whole team was havin' a good time, but I had a naggin' feelin' inside me. Somethin' just didn't feel right. Call it that old Foster insight if yer will, but I had a feelin' we had ter get out of there immediately. I get these feelin's sometimes, as yer know. I've learned ter listen to them, and this one was really shoutin' at me.

"C'mon me old mateys, it's time ter get out of here." There were howls of protest from everyone. "It's only midnight!" They said, but I insisted.

I paid the bill, gathered everyone up and we trooped outside. I led the way back to our guest house and we sat out on the veranda skullin' a couple more beers and suckin' on a joint. Nok was givin' me the old glad-eye, so I knew it was time fer bed.

We said our good nights and headed upstairs to the best night of bliss yer could ever imagine. Nok and me did the most amazing things together that night, makin' soft tender love one minute, and then bangin' each other like a loose tin roof in a hurricane the next. Strewth! What a night! We finally ran out of steam about the time the sun was comin' up. We hadn't stopped makin' love once in all that time. And all the time my feelin's fer Nok were growin'. I dunno if it was the magic chocolate, or whether it had just amplified what was already in our hearts, but we were both very much in love. And that couldn't be a bad thing, could it?

By the time we woke up about midday we were feelin' pretty bushed. They say a bout of sex is equivalent ter runnin' the one minute mile. I reckon I set a new world record about 10 times last night.

We had a long leisurely shower together and then headed down fer breakfast, where Bluey was already nursin' his first beer of the day. The Professor was there too, with a bonzer dark little darlin' sittin' on his lap lookin' like she'd just won the lottery. Obviously the magic chocolate had improved his performance too. We sat down and Bluey threw the paper to me.

"DISCO IN KHAO SAN ROAD RAIDED. OVER 200 ARRESTED FOR DRUGS!" The headline screamed. No wonder me bloody instincts were twitchin' last night. I read the story, and it appeared that a squad of police turned up at the Blue Duck about an hour after we'd left, and raided the place. They conducted urine tests and nabbed all those people fer drugs. I bet that wouldn't do the tourism business much good. Maybe it was time ter get back ter civilization down in Pattaya.

Just then Dana staggered downstairs trailin' his two shielas. "Hey mate. I reckon it's time ter go back ter Pattaya. Things are getting' a bit hot around here. Read this." I said, handin' him the paper.

———————————————

Next, Foster, Bluey and Dana head off for Pattaya to get ready for the mother of all golf games

Copyright 2007 by the author.

Struggling with the Australian slang? We call it Strine. Go here to find out what it all means: here or here.

Stickman's thoughts:

Any submission where Dana is one of the characters is a hoot!