Stickman Readers' Submissions January 19th, 2007

The Chronicles of Foster Foskin’s Adventures in Thailand #12

Now that the Professor was freed, me and Bluey was feelin’ a bit wrung out and in need of some R&R. You know, Rumblin’ and Rootin’. While I’d been rescuin’ the professor, poor old Bluey had got his knickers in a bit of a knot over at the Eden club. He’d gone one better than most blokes and taken three shielas with him. Dunno why he didn’t take four, after all, he has two arms that could have been busy at the same time, but that’s me old mate. Never greedy.

Well, one of them shielas really laid into Bluey and the silly bugger fell in love! Must be somethin’ in the air, because I was still puzzlin’ what to do about the beautiful Nok too. So, there was Bluey, humpin’ away when this sheila reams out ‘is engine block so expertly he didn’t want ter walk out of there without her.

If yer ever met Marc the Frenchie landlord of the Eden you would probably figure that wouldn’t pose a problem. But what Bluey wasn’t countin’ on was that the shiela was one of Marc’s favorites. After a frisky session upstairs, he dragged ‘imself downstairs draped all over the shiela, muttering sweet nothin’s in her ear, “C’mon me love. I’ll give yer another good screwin’ again when we get to me hotel. Yer’ll be walkin’ bowlegged fer a week, and lovin’ it, eh?” She was all giggles.

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So they get downstairs and Bluey beckons to Marc and says, “Hey Frenchie, how about I take this little beauty back ter the hotel with me fer the night, eh?”

“Zat is absolutement not goeeeng to ‘appen!” Marc exploded.

Bluey was a bit taken aback. He hadn’t expected that reaction, so he said, “And why not me old snail slurper mate?” Bluey always was a diplomat.

“I vill keel you first, you ignorant, peer slupping, neanderthal! She ees mine ant I weell nefer let her sleeb weeth a peeg like you again!”

Well, Bluey will take just about anythin’, but call him bloody ignorant and he gets his back up faster than a cocky’s crest. Yer already know that Bluey is a fair hand at the ol’ fisticuffs, so out shot a straight left that should have dropped the froggy to the ground in one second flat. But that didn’t happen. Instead, that sneaky wine slugger held up a large plank of wood and Bluey’s hand smashed into that instead. It turns out that Frenchie keeps this wide angle paddle handy just in case law abidin’ blokes like Bluey ever turn up.

So, while Bluey was lookin’ at the froggie in astonishment, Marc steps up and before yer could say, “Ned Kelly” he lays a swift jab into Bluey’s midriff, and then a solid whack on the side of his head with that bloody paddle. Poor old Bluey didn’t have a chance. He just wasn’t expectin’ the weedy frog to hit back with such ferocity.

Down he went.

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Marc’s boys dragged Bluey outside and threw him onto the road. I suppose yer have to give the Frenchie some credit. His boys could have emptied Bluey’s pockets if they’d felt inclined, but they just tossed him out like a bit of garbage.

Anyway, a few minutes later Bluey comes to, shakes his head, and starts bangin’ on the door. But it’s barred shut and there’s no answer. He gets a bit tired of that after a few minutes and heads back to the hotel, arrivin’ just as I got out of the taxi from me dinner with Nok. Bluey takes one look at her, shakes his head in wonder, and says, “You daggy bastard, mate. Where’d you snag that beauty from?”

“Long story mate, but not fer tonight. We’re goin’ ter get some well-earned sleep. We’ve just had a slap-up dinner on the river and it’s time to work orf some of that weight we gained. You have a good sleep mate. It looks like yer could use one.”

Yer might be wonderin’ why I didn’t comment on the bruises that decorated Bluey’s face. Ya gotta remember that we’d been around the block a few times together, so it didn’t surprise me to see a few black and blues on him. Par for the course, as we say back home.

Besides, I was far more interested in getting Nok up to me room where I could begin to explore our relationship a bit more. I tell yer what, I felt like bloody Livingstone that night. I reckon I found the source of the Nile, anyway. Bloody wet, it was. What a way ter spend a night!

The next mornin’ we woke up early about eight, and I ordered a room service breakfast. We sat at the big plate glass window watchin’ Bangkok comin’ awake. It was a romantic moment, and one I won’t ever ferget. Nok sat in a big cane chair, her long black hair hangin’ down around her face, her smooth skin glowin’ like a mixture of honey and cinnamon had been smoothed on. Cripes! She sounds even tastier than she looked that mornin’. No wonder I was fallin’ in love with her.

After a long slow shower together, we were ready to go and pick up me money from the Professor. We jumped into a cab and off we went. About twenty minutes later we pulled up outside Earnshaw’s hotel, and asked for him at reception.

“He no here now, suh.” the little Thai receptionist whispered. “What you name, please?”

“Me moniker’s Foskin, love.”

“Oh, so solly. You not he.”

“Er, I’m not?” I asked.

“Oh no sah. I waiting for Mr Foreskin, fliend of Plofessor.”

“Well, that’s me.”

“Eh? You not Plosfesor.”

“No love, I’m Foskin.”

She looked at me with eyes wide and said, “You Mr Foreskin?”

“Well, more or less, love. Yeah, that’s right.”

“I so solly. I tink you say name you Foreskinlove. Tee hee!” she tittered all embarrassed, “I haf big massage for you sir. Plofessor Earnshaw, he very funny man. He say I must only gif big massage for you like this.” And she mimed the Prof makin’ a serious face and pokin’ the air at about her eye level.

“Well, that’s very nice of him love, but as you can see I have company already and I don’t really need a massage right now. I’m feelin’ pretty relaxed as it is.”

She laughed with another embarrassed titter and said, “Oh no, sir. You no understand. I gif you big massage. I no marssage make you relax.”

“Er, so how do you give this big massage then? With yer feet?” I couldn’t figure out what was goin’ on here, but it was definitely soundin’ a bit kinky.

With that, she bent down below the counter and hauled up a small suitcase with straps around it. “The professor, he say gif you this big massage, sir.”

Crikey! The penny dropped. She was saying ‘message’, not massage. These Thais! Jeez.

Nok and me walked to a far corner of the lobby and sat down. I opened the suitcase, and there was me money, along with a bunch of bloody clothes, including some monk’s robes! Darned if I know why he did that, but I wasn’t gonna keep ‘em. Look at what had happened ter him when he wore ‘em.

I stuffed the wads of notes into me pockets, shoved the clothes back into the suitcase and hid it out of sight behind a pot plant. We both got up and walked out of the hotel into stinking hot Sukhumvit road. Nok had ter get ter work, so I popped ‘er in a taxi and waved ‘er goodbye. Even though she was only headin’ orf ter work I still felt a bit tight around the chest. I haven’t ever felt like this about a sheila before. I wasn’t sure I liked it. Somethin’ kept naggin’ in the back of me ‘ead that I was headed fer trouble if I let things go on. But ‘ow do yer walk away from someone like that without feelin’ bad? I looked around fer a bar so I could mull things over.

“Sukhumvit Soi 4” the sign said. I sqizzed me eyes up and spotted a bunch of bars down the road a bit. That looked like the place fer me. There was one long bar at the front of a hotel so I ambled over and found a seat. Not that I ‘ad ter look too ‘ard. As usual, there was a bunch of shielas willin’ ter help me out. I was beginnin’ ter understand ‘ow frustrated old people must feel when they can’t do fer themselves any more.

Of course, the waitress wanted ter become an instant girl friend, but I wasn’t in the mood so I told ‘er ter just put down the drink and leave me alone fer I while. I wants ter do some thinkin’.

“Ah, you haf girlfriend, eh?” she asked knowingly.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Ok, I no bother you, but you need lovely lady take care, I be here.” She said as she sashayed off with a beautiful swing to ‘er hips. If I do decide ter let things get serious with Nok I can see I’m gonna have a hard time stayin’ faithful to ‘er. Better give that some more thought too.

A few beers later I was still tryin’ ter figure out what ter do when I looked up as a strange apparition slid onto a stool opposite me. Actually, he didn’t exactly slide….’e had ter climb up ‘e was so short. It wasn’t easy because the pink satin shirt kept making ‘im slide back down. It was only when one of the servin’ shielas came up behind ‘im and grabbed ‘is nuts that ‘e got up there pretty fast!

‘E ordered a beer and sat nursin’ it for a bit before ‘e spoke. I looked ‘im over. He had a lived-in face with short sandy hair and intelligent eyes. Yer can tell a lot about a bloke if yer know what ter look for. This bloke looked like ‘e knew what was goin’ on and how ter enjoy life. The laugh lines around ‘is eyes were a dead giveaway fer a start.

“You got troubles buddy?” he drawled. He stretched ‘is vowels, so ‘e sounded a bit like a pommie, but I could tell ‘e was a Yank.

“Ah, nothin’ yer can ‘elp with thanks mate. I’m Foster Foskin. Who are you?” I said extendin’ me hand. His grip was firm, which was another point in his favor.

“I’m Dana from Boston. I’d guess you are on holiday, right?”

I nodded.

“And you’ve met a girl and fallen in love, right?”


“Bar girl?”

“Nah. I met ‘er on a bus from Chiang Mai. She’s a law professor at a university here. That’s what makes it so bloody difficult. If she was a bar girl I wouldn’t be worried about it. Plenty of them ter go around.”

“Yes, I see your problem.”

Right then, I had ter go point Percy at the porcelain, so I got up off me stool and asked a waitress where to go. She said as she pointed, “Ova there. I take help you, yes?”

“Yeah, that would be good love,” I retorted, “the doctor told me not to lift any heavy weights.”

I left Dana laughin’ as I made me way ter the pisser. I got there, lined up and started sprayin’ as instructed. There was a sign on the wall that said, “We aim to please. YOU aim too, please!”

Well, I did. I aimed at the floor, the ceilin’ and the bulkhead. Hit them all. No sense in doin’ half a bloody job is there?

By the time I got back Dana had set up a couple more beers. Just then I spotted Bluey walkin’ down the road lookin’ like he was a man on a mission. I called ‘im over and introduced ‘im to Dana.

We ordered one more beer fer him and settled down ter some steady drinkin’. I had ter admit, I took a likin’ to this Yank. His taste in clothes was atrocious. I mean, who wears a pink satin shirt topped by a blue polka dot bow tie, with purple braces holdin’ up a pair of red trousers? I wasn’t sure if he was a poofter at first, but when ‘e started rattlin’ on about the shielas in Bangkok I got the feelin’ ‘e knew what ‘e was talkin about.

After a bit of small talk Dana pulled out a deck of cards and spread ‘em across the table top. A dangerous move that. Bluey is always a bit unsteady and has been known to clear a table with one sweep of ‘is hand while ‘es talkin’. Must be a bit of Ayetalian in ‘im there somewhere, I reckon. Y’know there’s only one way to shut an Ayetalian up? Tie ‘is bloody hands together!

Dana shuffled the deck and then told me ter pick five cards from the fan he’d made and place them face down on the table. I grabbed ‘em from different places and did as he told me. He picked up the first one and laid it face up. The queen of hearts. He grinned and said, “That’s your woman buddy.”

Then he picked up the next one, the king of spades. “That’s you. Looks like you get into a bit of trouble now and again.” I nodded. Bastard got that one right, didn’t he?

The others were number cards and he laid them either side of the two picture cards.

Some of the shielas servin’ table had seen what was goin’ on and drifted over ter watch. Dana pointed at a five of hearts and said, “You are having some doubts about your new girlfriend. You could go either way right now, since the 5 is the midway card.

I nodded, not sayin’ anythin’. Since I hadn’t really told him anythin’ about me worries, he was doin’ pretty well so far.

“The seven of diamonds means you are very lucky, but that’s tempered by the 3 of clubs here, so you need to be careful to think carefully before makin’ any decisions.”

“Yer got that right mate. Not bad. Where’d yer learn that?”

But I got no answer because suddenly he was swamped with sheilas wantin’ him to tell their fortunes too. He chose the prettiest one and got her ter pick some cards. When ‘e laid them down he said, “You are going to meet a handsome man and sleep with him tonight. He will shower you with much money.”

Her eyes widened and she got all excited. I guess it doesn’t take much fer these shielas. They only have ter hear the words ‘handsome man’ and ‘money’ and they get all wet.

Dana turned to me and asked, “Do you happen to play golf?”

“Oh shit! Do we play golf? Bluey and me scored a few holes in one on our last game, didn’t we mate?”

Bluey just looked at me with a big grin and nodded. He knew I was settin’ Dana up fer the sucker bait. But Dana beat me to it and said, “Well, I’ve been thinking about organizing a charity golf game down in Pattaya. Would you guys be interested in joining?”

Without thinkin’ I said, “Only if yer name it after me, mate.”

So that’s how I got dragged into the Foster Foskin Pro-Am Golf Invitational to be held in Pattaya. That sounded like a bonzer idea. I reckon another round with me little black beauty could be just what the doctor ordered. But before that Bluey and me were goin’ to sample some more delights of the big city. And I still had ter figure out what ter do about Nok. With me excitement at meetin’ Oy again that probably wasn’t a good omen, was it? But we’ll just ‘ave ter wait and see. I still had a few more days in town ter spend some time with ‘er. Plenty of time ter make a decision.


Next, Foster goes to Khao San road and meets a bunch of hippies…

© Copyright 2006 by the author.

Stickman's thoughts:

Very good, except I think our Dana doesn't drink!

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