Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 161

  • Written by Dana
  • January 27th, 2007
  • 13 min read



"With aplomb and style,"

PINK TRANNY SMOKE BOMBS

For those of you debating the merits of an additional lung full of air I have good news. Put down the Googled information on Suicide For Dummies; your salvation is nigh. I am currently working on a book. So far it is blocked out with about 70 stories, forty photos, twenty five sketches, front and back cover painting/graphics, as well as items like preface and introduction and glossary and index and chapter headings and my physical measurements and collar size (holiday gift giving). In addition there will be photos of me in a bathing suit riding a horse on the beaches of Hua Hin, and application forms that you can fill out and mail in for the Dana Fan Club and the Church of Dana. So get your foot off the balcony railing; it is too soon to jump. Ordering information for this book will follow on a need-to-know basis. What I can tell you now is that this will be a limited edition heirloom publishing project with each book numbered, accompanied by a Certificate of Authenticity, autographed by me, and accompanied by an 8×10 glossy photograph of me. The books will be 'pretty damned expensive' or 'fxxxing pricey', or 'holy shitwad that's a lot of money' depending on which category you purchase. Don't think of this as spending money but as making an investment. So if you are poor or have to work just shove off loser. And of course there will be no Money Back Guarantee or Returns Policy or Warranty or Customer Service of any kind. You send the money–I send the book. Hey, it's just like shopping in the friendly exotic wonderful Kingdom full of exotic wonderful friendly people. Gosh this is great: I almost feel like a Thai.

Anyway, as I said: there will be three book categories–the Standard (pretty damned expensive), the Heirloom (fxxxing pricey), and the Friend of Dana (holy shitwad that's a lot of money).

1. The Standard (pretty damned expensive) will be published and printed and bound using the highest quality materials and design and construction. The cost per book will be $172.00 each. Shipping to western countries will be approximately $17.46: shipping everywhere else will be approximately $92.40. And don't even think about ordering from western Greenland in the winter, Laplanders during migration, Terra del Feugians during the rainy season, Matto Grasso people while the Amazon is in flood, the razor back ridges of the highlands of Papua New Guinea, and Aku Aku unless you use the special Noi delivery system. Special same day shipping and delivery by Noi using one of her South Pattaya Go-Go girl jets is available. Shipping cost using the Noy delivery system will be $8750.00. However, if we take Noy's make-up kit and comic books out of the bomb bay there is a 1500 book payload possible. So if you order 1500 books the cost of the shipping per book averages out nicely. Like I said, if you are one of those nickel and dime guys; just shove off loser. And keep your hands off Noi–she's mine.

2. The Heirloom category editions (fxxxing pricey) will be leather bound with embossed letters in Thai elephant ivory and bargirl gold. They will be printed on goatskin parchment with vellum separators between the pages. These literary additions to your investment portfolio will be delivered by a parachuting tranny in an electric blue vinyl dress trailing pink smoke bombs. She will be guaranteed to be brainless, and have bee sting lips that can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. On the order form for the Heirloom you will be able to choose pre-op or post-op as part of the whore delivery system; and of course part of the book price will be sex with the tranny. The book will retail for $6548.00. Pre-ops over nine inches (noted on the book order form as 'logs') will run the delivery cost up another $500 but you knew that. No discounts available for multiple orders, and only one parachuting tranny per order. And if you damage the electric blue vinyl dress you are paying for it. Come on guys–strip'em first. Don't act like animals.

3. The FOD (Friend of Dana) edition (holy shitwad that's a lot of money) of the book will be identical to the Heirloom edition except in place of a parachuting tranny–I will be delivering the book. I will knock on your door, I will introduce myself, I will hand you the book, I will make eye contact, I will shake your hand, I will autograph the book, I will pose for pictures with your pathetic family, and I will smile. You will become an FOD (Friend of Dana). Cost per book: $84,890. No I will not have sex with you. Wait a minute . . . . ok, no I will not have sex with you. And no I will not be wearing an electric blue short vinyl dress. Wait a minute . . . ok, not sure about that. Anyway, come on guys; let's be serious. This is all about writing. You wouldn't ask Shakespeare to have sex with you or poor blind Milton of Paradise Lost to wear a short plastic miniskirt would you? What's the difference?

Special FOD book cost breakdowns:

One book–$84,890
Two books–$169,780
Three books–$254,670

Orders over three books: only $84,850 each.

I think you can see that over three books per order there is a built in discount. That's right nimrod–forty dollars off per book if you decide to make a commitment to great literature. So if you bought ten books that would be a savings of four hundred dollars or thirty-two bonks with Pattaya boardwalk cruisers. Who loves you baby? Hey, I'm not really in this for the money. It's all about spreading the love. For instance: if I sell fifty thousand books the first year in the over three books per order category with the built in discount of forty dollars per book I will have sponsored savings to the book buying public equal to one hundred and sixty thousand (160,000) bonks with Pattaya boardwalk cruisers (stay away from Fa). Yeah, that's it jackwad–I be spreadin' the luv baby.

Pre-production run individual copies have already been published to satiate the clamoring celebrity book review market and world leaders and church leaders and those pests at the New York Times Book Review. My agents are already setting up chat show, and internet, and radio interviews; and of course this also allows us at Dana Central to test the various book delivery systems. Some book delivery systems have been tried and rejected including the 'throw it from a speeding car' system, and the 'drop it from a helicopter' system, and the 'strap it to a flaming arrow' system. Rigorous double blind testing and ruthless slavery to the scientific method have reduced from the ridiculous to the sublime and there are now four book delivery systems: the US Mail, the Noy Mail, the She Mail, and the Me Mail. Details to follow.

Below is an example of an FOD (Friend of Dana) book delivery:

— "Ahead and slightly below my line of vision I can see the helmeted head of Noy lolling to one side and jumping to the minute vibrations of the airship. We are above the curve of the earth now streaking towards our destination in the zero gravity wonder of space travel. Waypoint markers beep with the regularity of flat line heart monitors in an intensive care ward. Soon the navigation longitude and latitude notables will increase in frequency and sound until they go to round sound screeching and the klaxon barks. Then it will be time to reorient and wake Noy and start the re-entry. But there are minutes to go until then. Time enough to slit the plastic wrapper on the brass bound teakwood box and take out the book SNAKESKULLS AND ICE CREAM CONES by Dana. It is an FOD (Friend of Dana) category book delivery and I need to autograph it before I deliver it to the buyer:

Dear Book Buyer–

Your check cleared the bank. Here is the book."

Sincerely yours,
Dana

Autographing is a challenge in the zero gravity cockpit but rewrapping the box with the plastic wrapper is even harder. Too many minutes. Suddenly the klaxon bark. Time to start gearing up to drop on down. The nose cone and undercarriage of airship NN1 (Noy's Nookie One) are made of melted G-Spot bar tin tip trays, melted rice farmer daughter flip flops, and plutonium ingots. The computer management and heat shield are non issues. Soon we are dropping like a stone and then gliding like a crippled pelican towards Hawaii. There I make the airship to airship transfer from Noy's needle nosed swept wing rocket to a pink Harrier Jump Jet that left the roof of the South Pattaya Marriott Hotel roof days ago. How did I make the airship to airship transfer at five thousand feet holding onto the teakwood gift box containing the book SNAKESKULLS AND ICE CREAM CONES? With aplomb and style, that's how.

Transfer done the rest of the book delivery is chump change thrown to a beggar. We zero in on the tracking device that was mailed to the customer with the return receipt of his order. He has a name but prefers to go by the Nana Hotel lounge lizard moniker '500 Baht Walt'. Some big Japanese guy who hangs out in the big Nana lounge chairs and couches like a post retirement philosopher who specializes in a personal cult called somnambulism. Ask this guy what he is going to do today and you get a big pause. One assumes that brain neurons are on red alert and standby in case a thought occurs, or that perhaps the pause is the preamble to some well formed thoughts that are about to tumble out. Or it could just be that . . . anyway–ask him what he did yesterday and you get a another big thoughtful pause. Once again many fine things could be going on inside Walt in response to your questions but sometimes the delay between question and answer is so long I actually forget what I asked. Dare to ask him to speculate about tomorrow's activities and you get the porcelain glaze of the cruise control retiree. They should call this guy '500 Baht Big Pause' instead of '500 Baht Walt'. But I digress . . .

Anyway, to say that '500 Baht Walt' is on retiree cruise control is an understatement. Except for expats, Walt has probably logged more hours in the Kingdom than many but they have not exactly been 'Stanley-and-Livingstone-in-Africa' explorer hours. I once asked him if he wanted to go next door to the Rajah Center and play pool at Ball-In-Hand. You would have thought I had asked him to get fitted out with butterfly net, shotgun, putees, pith helmet, and safari suit for a major expedition. We never made it. He started hyperventilating like a fish out of water at the prospect and I just left. Another time he mentioned to me that he had been 'all the way up to the 2nd floor' of the NEP. I almost mentioned that there was a third floor but thought better of it. Once I carelessly mentioned something about us going to Chatuchak market which you get to by taking the Skytrain to Mo Chit station. Or, we could get off one stop earlier at Saphan Khwai and walk north negotiating the sidewalk vendors along the way and participating in Thai culture. I had to jackknife out of my chair and tap him on the back of the head to keep his eyeballs from rolling back. Chatachuk market? You might as well try to get a retired astronomer to take an interest in things out beyond Pluto. Too far man.

A couple of years ago he confided in me that he had been as far as the Ploenchit department store on Sukhumvit just past the Bangkok Marriott Hotel near Soi 2. He told me this in the public space of the Nana Hotel lobby but with the bent over close talking conspiratorial manner of someone who is telling you something almost too amazing to credit. Equal mixtures of incredulousness and pride quavered in his voice as he let me in on the Enigma encryption communication code of Hitler's German U-boat fleet. Let's see–Soi 4 to Soi 2 by foot. Get the gun and the native bearers–Walt is going on a shopping safari. Send the Thai bearers out front to beat on drums and clear the way of tuk tuks, and sidewalk blockers, and slow walkers, and wandering tourists. Probably filed a flight plan with the US Embassy prior to departure from the Mothership. Smart.

I was impressed and imagined him leaving the lobby, navigating through the carpark, making his way down Soi 4, rounding the corner by cutting through the gas station, finding his way down Sukhumvit in the heat and humidity to Soi 2 and beyond, and then climbing the stairs at the entrance to the department store. This personal travail of risk and adventure to buy a pair of AA batteries brought to my mind the labor and focus and perseverance of the first white explorer as he climbed the last African knoll and witnessed Lake Tanganyika. 500 baht Walt on sighting the steps leading up to the doors of the air conditioned store must have been filled with the same inexpressible chest bursting feelings of euphoria and personal pride. Set a goal and go for it. If a biologist were to fit '500 Baht Walt' with a radio tracking collar the resulting map would show meandering zig-zags from his room to the breakfast buffet to the lobby chairs to the Mini-Mart across the street and then back to the lobby chairs. An inexperienced big University biologist would assume that Walt was leading a limited life of social deprivation. But that bone head biologist would have no knowledge of the Nana Hotel parking lot before, during, and after the Angels Disco gets out. Hey, they don't call this guy '500 baht Walt' for nothing.

Usually I have no idea who I am delivering my books to but in this case I know Walt because we have crossed paths in the Nana Hotel lobby many times. I love this guy. There have not been enough Walt's in my life. Great guys who make great neighbors and make you laugh. Men who have been successful husbands and fathers and businessmen and citizens. Men with interesting stories to tell. Men who love to brag on their children. Winners. And, not to put too fine a point on it, his check for $84,890 cleared the bank.

Oops, there he is now up on his roof wearing a silly grin and a speedo (Christ on a cracker there are not enough decency laws). Go-Go pilot Fon and beach cruiser navigator Pim start to ease the jet down as the fans go from horizontal to vertical and . . . "

Anyway . . . there is hope–my book is on the horizon. You can buy one or more than one, and you have multiple categories to choose from, and you can have it delivered by US Mail or Noy Mail or She Male or Me Mail. If you have any questions or suggestions or want to get involved or make a contribution or help or volunteer with this project in any way–well, you must be on drugs. Just save it. I could care less. Anyway, the book is coming so hang in there. Soon your lives will be bathed in a golden light–either that, or you'll go blind from pink tranny smoke bombs.


Stickman's thoughts:

Comments to follow….I am too sick to be able to enjoy this, so will wait until I feel better to read it and enjoy it.