Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 158

  • Written by Dana
  • January 8th, 2007
  • 8 min read


Are you like me? Have you gotten carpal tunnel syndrome Googling the net and you just can't find anyone who sells monogrammed colostomy bags? I know, it is disappointing. I feel your pain. You have a reasonable desire and no one cares.
But still, it is only a disappointment. Disappointments can be dealt with.

It is the shocks in life that can set you back. And they can not always be dealt with successfully. Sometimes they are the kind of shocks that are called after-shocks. It is already too late. So–no monogrammed colostomy bags? A disappointment.
You can move on. But shocks in your life are something you need to be vigilant about. Below is an essay about shocks. It is entitled:


Do you know anybody who can tell the future or have you personally ever had the experience of being able to see the future? No? I have been able to see the future and I believe you can too. All you need is a cheap camera and your teeruk in
Thailand. You know the one I mean. The woman you are crazy about. The woman you are having serious long term mature responsible bonding dreams about. The one who if she brought up the word marriage–you wouldn't run, you'd ponder.

Well, consider this: Photo Shock. To wit–

I once picked up a woman at the Carousel bar at the Nana Entertainment Plaza in Bangkok and because she was cranked on ya ba and I was stoked on Viagra; I (and we) had the two most amazing nights of sex of my life. But it was more than animal
coupling that went on from 11:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m. because we were both full of drugs: she was cute and fun and smart, and cute and fun and smart, and cute and fun and smart, and cute and fun and smart . . . you get the idea. The second night
I picked her up we walked down Sukhumvit to eat some of that Essan food. On the way back I bought her a teddy bear. In the room at the Mothership I took her picture standing against the wall smiling and holding the teddy bear.

Ok, here comes the 'reading the future' part. When I got the photos back I was stunned to see that she had a big wide squash nose. Where did that come from? How come I never noticed that before?

So what's the point? Am I that superficial? The point is that standing in the room staring at the picture of the woman with the big wide squash nose and looking at her face and her figure suddenly I could see her future. She was a rural
Thai woman from a faraway place so different from me that our lives could only be measured in our differences. All of her big body parts were going to get bigger and her stomach was going to blow out and she was someday going to be shaped like
a bowling ball with a big squash nose. She would still be the same wonderful person full of hopes and dreams and happy smile but she wasn't my person. She wasn't my future and I wasn't her future. Starring at the photo I could see
a future that I had missed in person when distracted by the smile and the eyes and the figure and the sex. I didn't go back for her a third night.

It is really all about dimensionality. Three dimensions delivers different information than two dimensions and both sets of data count. In three dimensions I had not been able to see some things that a two dimensional photo would deliver.
Thank god for photos. Think I am being superficial? Ok, you marry her. I'll check up on you in ten years. She'll be chopping up mystery meat at a sidewalk table on Soi 4 and you'll be sitting beside her on a white plaster bucket
selling lottery tickets. And you'll both have the same figure. Thank god for cheap tourist cameras and photos.

Another example: For two years I had been besotted with a woman named Noy who I had met at the NEP one night when she was working as a doorgirl. I was so green that I thought doorgirl was her job. I didn't even know she was a prostitute.
Green as broccoli and dumb as paint. I'll spare you the details of those two years because it reads exactly the same as every other similar story. I think I am smarter and cleverer than everyone else but my story is exactly the same. Hey,
how did that happen? Anyway, one day we went on an all day beach and boating trip to Ko Larn off Pattaya. I took pictures of her on the beach and in the water. Later when I got the pictures back and looked at them I went into photo shock.

My Noy and my future had a mustache. Hadn't noticed that in two years. Not a bad thing really. Asian women have jet black hair and a little darkening under the nose and over the lip is normal. No big deal. But what disturbed me was that
in spending two years with this women on the most intimate basis I had not noticed it. What kind of knockout gas was I under? Hey, let's check the photo to see how many arms she has. Maybe I missed something important there too.

And she also had dead eyes. I always thought she had happy eyes. Happy eyes and happy to see me and happy about life. The eyes of the woman in these photos were dead and uninvolved and uninterested. And I was taking the picture. Again, nobody
has to look like Miss Fantastically Happy all the time but how come I had never noticed these eyes before? What else had I not noticed? And her figure was that of a rural daddy's girl far away from Essan. Curvey now but soon to run to fat
and shapeless middle age as she lumbers into the body of her mother. Call me selfish but being mated to that future is not my dream and I could see the future on the laminated cheap photo in my hand.

Again, think I am being superficial? Ok, you marry her. Get a truck in Essan and go into the business of delivering and servicing propane tanks. You and Noy can have a fantastic life together driving the truck around to businesses and homes
putting propane tanks on and off the truck. Sounds great doesn't it? A business in Essan and a life with an exotic Thai woman. Except for one thing. Remember the photo? Dead eyes. Is that your dream? To live with a woman with the eyes and
the cerebral bonding involvement of a lizard? Get a camera. Start taking pictures.

A woman's body is her joy and her curse; and time and hormones and pregnancy can visit upon them unwanted changes in their figures. Not their fault. But not my fault either. It is said that you better love the women you marry because
the women you marry is going to change and only love will endure. I held the pictures in shock. Quiet shock. Did I love Noy enough? I could see the future in the pictures and it was not a future I wanted to be a part of. Without the photos I had
not seen the future. Distracted by her voice, and her movements, and her three dimensionality I had not picked up other important harbingers of the future. A future that did not charm me. We are no longer together.

So what is my conclusion? My conclusion is that the artificial two dimensional world of the photo can sometimes allow you to see into the future. Your future with your Thai heartthrob. Take some pictures of your girlfriend before you say
"Will you marry me?". Not naughty pictures but just some pictures of her face and figure. Your future is on the laminated photo. The two dimensional photo is almost like a window into the future. Study it carefully and alone without
the distractions of the sound of her voice or the movements of her body or the nearness of her sexuality.

What will you see? Well, I don't know. She is not my girlfriend. But you may see that East is East and West is West and Never The Twain Shall Meet. Of course the right thinkers, and zen centered, and socially sensitive will pop up like
politically correct meerkats when they hear this but they are not standing in a hotel room staring at a picture of their future. And they have not got their life and their heart on the line. Away from the free spending, and the girlfriend support
group at the bar, and the noise, and the music, and the sex; what have you got? Try an eleven hour bus trip out of town. You won't talk because you can't talk. She will be waiting to arrive at your destination so that she can communicate
with her kind. After four days in her village you will be scanning the horizon for farangs. Hell, I'll even look good to you . . .

"Hey Dana how are you?"
"Fine–I thought you found my character lacking?"
"No man–luv you man–just keep speaking English."
"Okkkkkaaaaaaaay . . . "
"Say Dana–can you lend me
Bangkok bus fare?"

Stare at the photo brother–
Stare hard and long.
You have children and she is the mother?
Was she from the Pong?

If her eyes are dead
Looking at you–
Why would you wed
And live a life of rue?

Consider the photo
A gift and a clue.
Pack and run–
Find another to woo.

Photo Shock is better than the alternative: Life Shock.

Stickman's thoughts:

Many Thai women are photogenic. Obviously though, your camera cannot get drunk like you can and many women look a lot better when you're wearing your beer goggles.