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Thai Faults And Misanthropes Part 69

  • Written by Dane
  • January 23rd, 2007
  • 8 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


Thai women… on one hand, oh so pretty and, on the other, oh so dumb. They can’t remember the tiniest of details for mere seconds. It really oughta be a crime to be so dumb. All I can say is “Thank Dane they have their looks going for them”. Sit back, kats and kittens, and let me spin a little yarn for you that illustrates what I mean.

Strolling along Jomtien Beach one fine afternoon when a vision of loveliness comes into my field of view. And you know, being me, she didn’t stand a chance. Like a deer caught in my headlights, there was really only one outcome to this encounter. Let’s call her Toy. After all, that’s all they really are. Can I get a Hallelujah from my chorus of true believers? Amen to that, bruthas and sistas. Now Toy was one fine specimen of Thai femininity. She truly was. Hell, I even saw BKKSW scopin’ her out. But no one, and I mean no one, stands a chance once Dane sets his sights on something. I can’t really explain to you lesser mortals about the mysterious hold I have over these girls. The Thais have an expression for it; I’ve heard it said often. Sa-tang. I’m not really sure what it means but I’ve got it baby and they all know it. BKKSW, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry man. Didn’t mean to send you away with your dick in your hand like that but followers have to stand in line.

So, where was I? Oh yeah, me and Toy head back to my place for a little carnal delight. She takes a quick shower and I start unpacking my pleasure chest. Realizing that we’re gonna be busy for a while, I didn’t bother with the Viagra before hand and so took one now, figuring I’d be good and ready for action by the time it kicked in. I’m just finishing getting undressed when my lovely little Toy walks out of the bathroom. When she sees me, she stops dead in her tracks. Mouth agape, she’s looking at me with this bewildered look in her eye. “What is it?” I say. And she says what sounded like ‘mimey Jew’. Says it twice while pointing at my wonderful manhood. First of all, I’m wondering how the hell she could think I was a Jew. After all, I’m sportin’ a full hood. Second, I’m trying to figure out what mimey means. Best I can figure is it must be some Thai expression meaning ‘Dear, sweet, Dane – my eyes have never beheld such a glorious sight’. And that scores her some serious points. But I need to take care of this Jew business before we go any further. So I grab the bull by the horn and say “Jew not have, Jew not have” while motioning with my other hand. She looks at me and says “Lou”. No darling, my name’s Dane. Again, she says “Lou”. Sweet Jesus on a Biscuit, how dumb can this broad be? If she can’t remember my name for two seconds, I don’t want anything to do with her. Looks or no looks, baby, when I’m paying, I expect five-star service and that means you have to remember my name.

She couldn’t understand why I sent her away and she was seriously pissed when I wouldn’t pay her anything. But like my dear Mama always used to say, ‘No play, No pay’. Still with plenty of time, I head off to Walking Street. This is not my usual M.O. as I prefer to just pick up my skanks off the street. But right now, I wanted a concentrated selection and a stroll along the beach just wouldn’t do. Now, remembering the experience with the last girl, and figuring they would all have the same preconceived notions, I wanted to head off this Jew business early. So at each place, the first thing I did was tell the first girl I saw “Me No Jew”. I don’t understand the expression that kept coming across their faces but they would scamper off like little roaches, when exposed to the light, whispering to all the other girls. Then a big discussion would ensue. I know hardly any of what was said but I think I recognize how they all ended. After a lot of babbling, as girls are wont to do, one of the girls would blurt out “chemo” to which the first responded “ching ching”. ‘Chemo’ must have something to do with this being their lucky day. But ‘ching ching’. Come on, I know their English is bad but how hard is it to keep ‘Cha-Ching’ straight? Why they would say this is perfectly understandable. They must have figured on a big pay day knowing that I wasn’t a Jew. Their reputation as being tight-fisted seems to have even reached this wonderful paradise. For those readers who may not have ever had any contact with Jews, let me just tell you that it is damn hard to get any money out of them. Don’t believe me? Do you know how copper wire was invented? Two Jews found a penny. That’s how damn hard it is. But back to my little missive. I’m not as tight as a Jew… who is, after all… but my momma didn’t raise no fool either. I already knew these girls were gonna want too much for that little patch of real estate. It might not be so bad if it was a virgin piece of soil but we all know these fields have been plowed so many times that most have lost their fertility. No sirree, jim bob. Thanks, but no thanks. You won’t find me investing heavily in any planting if my seed won’t sprout. So it’s an abrupt about face and towards the door I go. Usually I could hear ‘ting tong’ and ‘Lou’ as I left. Best I reckon, ‘ting tong’ must mean “don’t go” or ‘come back’. And, really, I can’t blame them for trying but I ain’t over-paying these shabby little people for no overworked sex box. But I would like to meet up with this Lou guy. He sure gets around. Me, I’m one happenin’ dude. And if they are confusing us, he must be one kool kat.

Only one thing left to do now. Head back out and find me a tranny before the effects of that damn pill wear off. Although in the case of trannies, I can usually manage a go at it on my own. Off to the Jenny Star Bar I go in search of some new prey. Imagine my surprise when I spied Akulka among the seekers. Now, if you’re not used to seeing ladyboys, let me just tell you a little something. The most beautiful “women” you will find in the P4P scene are ladyboys. But by and large, ladyboys are, pound for pound, uglier than Linda Tripp’s ass. And that’s pretty damn ugly. Trust me on this. Just please don’t ask me how it is that I’ve come to know this. So, knowing that Akulka has a serious predilection toward fat, ugly chicks, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he didn’t realize he was in tranny central. But one thing's for sure, you can bet I’ll be keeping an eye out for him on my future forays.

Most people talk about trannies,
You know they be talkin’ ‘bout cars.
But the ones get my motor goin’
Are found in Pattaya bars.

I’m taller than a midget,
But just by an inch.
Girls all laugh and giggle,
But my boys don’t even flinch.

Be it 2nd Road or Walking Street,
Or the far reaches of Jomtien Beach,
Kindred spirits so easy to find,
Katoeys always within easy reach.

Lithe and lean.
Tall and tan.
All I could ever
Want in a man.

Pick me up.
Put me under your arm.
Out on the soi,
Keep me from harm.

Your place, my place.
What bliss, what joy.
Tonight I’m such
A lucky boy.

Take my mouth.
Take my ass.
Order doesn’t matter.
Just take me fast.

Boys with tits.
Chicks with dicks.
Call ‘em what you will.
U know they do more for me
Than any little blue pill.

Alone or in pairs,
I have not a care.
Throw in a rugby scrum.
Take that big ol’ powerful train
And drive it straight up my tight, little bum.

Now an offer to all you Gentiles
Spending time in the Land of Smiles.
My brown-skinned beauties are not quite so big.
So if you get the urge for something darker,
U can come make me squeal like a pig.

I’ll next be in LOS in May. Any of you guys want to hook up for some fun and games, drop me a line at [email protected]. I promise you won’t be disappointed. A special invitation goes out to my dear Mr. Korski.

Dane out.

Stickman's thoughts:

An absolute classic!