Readers' Submissions

My Name Is Steve, And My Friend Homo Erectus Thinks I’m An “Idiot!”

  • Written by Anonymous
  • January 31st, 2007
  • 11 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By Steve aka “Idiot”

Yes, it’s me, the one that so many of you have commented on; good and bad, The “Idiot”. I believe that everyone will enjoy this, whether you live in Bangkok, have traveled there many times, or are planning your first trip.

It is true, on my third trip to Bangkok, I met a Thai lady and in the first 15 seconds (no joke), I told her “I am going to marry you”. I spent three weeks with her, and still told her I was going to marry her. Flew back in August, spent another three weeks with her, and felt the same way. So the next trip in September, we got married. That much of the story Homo Erectus got right. Homo has some of the facts right, others so-so, and others are plain wrong!

In my defence (sp) Homo’s spelling not mine (I would spell it defense), plus my spell check caught it. I will provide my side of the story.

Homo got the part right about being well-educated, well-traveled, and from a good family. I lived with an Asian for 11 years, proposed at eight years, and never tied the knot. I am proud to say that I was true to her for all those years, and still consider her a friend. Some things are just not meant to be.

I think I am OK looking; not Brad Pitt, but certainly not Kojak, (Who Loves Ya Baby!) who by the way strongly resembles Homo. As was mentioned, I also like to have a beer or two or three, or more every so often, and I know I get smarter the more I drink, because by the end of the night, I am a genius and can explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity where even a simpleton can understand it. It’s either that or my drinking buddies are just as drunk, and just shake their head in agreement. I prefer to think the earlier.

Since the ex had moved out about 18 months before, (things had gone downhill 6 months before that), and I was tired of doing the local dating thing, it was time to try something new. So I thought what the hell, I have money, I am going to go to Thailand. Actually that is partially right, I have a lot of money; just sold my house in Honolulu for triple what I paid for it! Yea for me!

As Homo mentioned, I was planning on going with three other guys, but as usual, they all bailed for various reasons. I thought what the hell, I am going anyway. Homo did provide an excellent map of the places to go for various forms of entertainment, which I am grateful for. My first two trips I did everything and anything possible. Some of the things that were done, I am still trying to figure out how, because I know it is physically impossible! How did she do the pretzel? I will say that I treated them with respect, bought them things I know they could use, and treated them like a lady. Was I used? You bet. Do I regret it? Hell no! I had the time of my life, and enough for the next one. I hope everyone has one or two memories that they will remember all their life; where the atmosphere, music, food, drink, lady (add anything that fits here) is perfect. Shit, I was having four of those a day, thinking the entire time, “Screw those bastards working back home, this is the greatest!” As Homo stated in his commentary, “I shot more than my share of fish in the barrel”.

This is an oxymoron, but God bless Thailand and double God Bless Thai women.

Here is where the story differs. My wife is not a “stereotypical” Rainbow 2 girl. Before you say “bullshit”, let me explain. I did meet my wife at Rainbow 2; her sister works there as a waitress. I met her through a lady that works as a hostess at Nana Plaza. I will call her Idiot's Friend (IF). Being in her late 60’s I can assure you that IF is not dancing on stage.

Idiot went to IF’s club to hook up with a particular pair of girls to go party and ….you know. Idiot was really eager, and Idiot was a lot early. No one was in yet, so Idiot started drinking. Imagine that! IF told me she has a lady she wanted me to meet, which I said “No Thanks I have plans for the night”. IF came around with another beer, and said “Idiot, I really want you to meet this lady; she is a good friend and a good hearted lady”. I told IF “Not interested, I’ll wait for the tag team duo”. I think by the 8th or 9th beer, (I was starting to attain Genius Level at this point, IQ around 150 to 600) I was about to leave and walk around, but IF told me she “had called this lady at work, and my ass was not going anywhere, that she would be here soon”. As hopes of my tag team duo vanished, I figured what the hell; I can buy her one drink, ditch her, get the hell out of Na Na and go find another duo. Now that I think about it, I might be the first person ever set up with a blind date at Na Na Plaza? It is kind of sad when you think about it.

Anyway, IF said “lets go to Rainbow 2, where her sister works, and I know the Mama San, I really think you will like this lady”. So off we go for the big intro. All I can say is what happened next has never happened to me before, nor will never happen again. It was exactly like you see in the movies; fire works, lights, weak knees, and all of a sudden very sober. You name it, it happened to me within a span of 15 seconds. I am not going to try to explain it, because I can’t; except to say that the most beautiful lady I have ever seen stood in front of me with the most gorgeous smile and body I have ever seen. She spoke good English, and said she had just come from her salon, which is named after her nickname. I looked her in the eyes and told her I was going to marry her. She could have said anything at that point, because I was smitten. I do remember her saying she thought I was Mao lo (drunk), and laughing. The next three weeks flew by in a flash. (I can tell all you reading this that this is where Homo is shaking his head and smashing his computer screen).

For those not smashing their computers, I am going to pause here for a minute or two so everyone that has read this has time to wipe the vomit off themselves and there computer screen. I know it is sappy and enough to make you sick, but be patient, Idiot is almost done.

My feelings grew stronger in Hawaii. The day I got back to Hawaii, I booked a return flight to Bangkok for the next month, August. As was mentioned earlier, we spent another 3 weeks of bliss together. When she worked during the day, I golfed, shopped, and played tourist. I told her many times during this trip that she was going to marry me, and I meant it.

Came back to Hawaii, booked another trip in September to return and get married, and have been going back at least every five weeks to see my bride. The hardest thing I have ever done is go to the airport and leave my wife in Thailand. I have done it three times, and will probably have to do it at least two more times before she receives her American Visa. I did not think it was possible, but it gets harder each time I make the trip. The hardest being after New Years, and the nine bombs that went off at two of the markets we were at on the day of, or the previous day. The only saving grace is knowing that I will see her the following month, and that with four senators and four congressmen involved, I can in some way get her an earlier interview with our embassy in Bangkok.

Let’s say she gets to Hawaii and hates it, doubtful, but still a possibility. I take early retirement and move there. She owns her own condo, and 37 acres south of Bangkok with rubber trees. Cool, I will be the best tree farming Son of a Bitch anyone will ever see. Who’s an idiot?

Worst case scenario; let’s say she moves here and hates Hawaii and me. A divorce costs me nothing, and her visa is pulled. She goes back to Bangkok with nothing. On paper I am worthless. Where are all my assets? Gee I don’t know, I hid them and forgot where. Oh well, it’s back to Bangkok for me for more tag team wrestling. No skin off my nose.
Who’s an idiot?

For all of you that have never felt the way I feel now and every day since I met my wife, I hope some day you do. Life for me is so much better, I can’t put it into words. After 12 years of so-so, and being number two in someone’s life, it is the best to finally be number one! If it is an act, she is doing a hell of a job. Again, if this is so, refer to the previous paragraph. Who’s an Idiot?

I will wrap up by saying this. True friends want to see you happy. I am, more so than I have ever been. I would not trade the last seven months for anything. I do not want to sound like a prick, or I guess an “Idiot Prick”, when I say this, but if someone is concerned about me from the stand point of not wanting to see me get hurt emotionally or financially, thank you, you are a true friend. If you want to judge me that is your choice, and as far as I am concerned wasted energy. I will be the last person to judge anyone. I am no better than anyone else, and probably worse than most. If it is because you are leading a miserable life and are tired of seeing the same fat thing beside you every morning, too bad. Your wife probably thinks the same thing. I am sure your wife was a virgin when you married her. For those of you that are married and travel to Bangkok for your one or two weeks of fun and pleasure every year, and leave your wife and kids at home and call me an idiot, you can kiss my ass, look in the mirror. If you think you are any better than the ladies you see, most would think you are mistaken. As long as I am married, I will be faithful. That is just me; again I am not making any judgments here.


If you are a single male and have never gone to BK, do yourself a favor and go. Do not sit on your ass and say next moth or next year. Book your ticket today. It is everything you have heard about and more. Go do something that 99% of the male population will never experience, due to LOB, lack of BALLS.

Am I an Idiot? I don’t think so. I have found the love of my life, my soul mate, my wife. If it shows later that I am, so be it. I have had a hell of a ride, and I have NO REGRETS!

To be continued…

Sincerely,
The GENIUS IDIOT

P.S. I got in to two fights where pigs, (I won’t call them men) treated the women like meat. In my opinion, all these “bar girls” are still ladies, and are still human beings. If there are 200 ladies working at a bar, there are 200 different reasons why they work there. Please do not judge someone until you have walked in their shoes. My guess is that anyone who reads this is probably not from a Third World country. If you were, what measures would YOU take to feed and clothe your family? Think about it next time you see someone less fortunate than you.


Mahalo Stick for the chance to voice my opinion. If you do not add it to the web, or it is too long, that is fine, The people that need to see it have been sent it via e-mail.

Keep up the great work,

Steve

Stickman's thoughts:

.