Readers' Submissions

My Life In Shadows: Part I

  • Written by Shadowman
  • January 9th, 2007
  • 13 min read


This is the first episode in a series intended to document details of my rather confused and perhaps pathetic life in Bangkok. I've recently moved here to take an extremely exciting job. The offer to make a decent salary AND live abroad was something I just couldn't pass up.

Unlike a lot of guys here – I'm not trying to experience the bar girl scene, and I'm definitely not trying to get married. That kind of thing just doesn't interest me. Too many responsibilities and or problems come along with that road. Now, that's not to say that the girls don't interest me. Believe me – I love intimacy and sex. When I lived in the States, I almost always had a girlfriend, and I'd have sex every night.

What stops me are fears. Lots of fears:

A fear of diseases A fear of losing all my money A fear of commitment A fear of getting a girl pregnant

Short pause. How come nobody on this forum talks about this as a possibility either with a Thai GF or a bar girl? In the U.S.A lots of girls use this tactic to trap a man. Not here? Surprising. It seems scary as hell to me!

A fear of being "found out" by my Thai friends, farang boss, and co-workers. A general fear of "losing the plot"

But, fears or no fears – I mess up. I've been here a month and a half and have already screwed up twice. This might seem funny to some guys who sleep with 3 or 4 girls a day, but it's a big deal to me. Actually, that's most likely why I'm submitting this. In a way, I feel as if I provide a differing opinion. That, and, you guys on here have been so helpful to me with your stories.

As a note: Please don't think that I'm a depressive maniac. I'm loving this city. I've been to every stop in this lovely burg and have sucked up as much food, drink, and culture as I think I can get my grubby little hands on. I'm out every day and every night, and consider every waking moment a gift. And while I know some of this will fade, I already know that whatever problems I have here, I'll not give up on this city. I'll brave it out. In a way, I can tell that I don't even have a choice. This is my home. I've got to either get a hold of myself or "lose the plot".

Withdrawing is not an option.

So, anyways, onwards – you can see that it's not 95% of my life here that is the problem. It's that pesky 5%. It's that this city of angels can be a lonely goddamn place. It's that I'm here without a girlfriend in a place where most expat ladies seem certain that all males here are sex tourists. It's that I don't want to try and screw backpacker girls even if I could pick one up. Whatever. I'm just making excuses. The point is.. Every once in a while, I get myself into a state where I feel driven to sample the carnal offerings of this city.

This is what I call "My life in shadows". It's awkward, seedy, risky, confusing, and probably pathetic. But, it's me. So – feel free to read about it if you want. You guys have poured so much reality to me that I feel that I need to share.

Incident #1

I'd been here for just one week. Just like any other go-go bar, I said to myself. That's all. I've been doing good at those! A drink or two, turn down offers for lady drinks – get sauced and look at the damn fine ladies. Nothing wrong with that. Totally safe.

Riiiight.

That's easier to believe with 3 or 4 Chang beers in you, huh? I knew what the Kangaroo bar was. A blowjob bar where sometimes leaving your seat is not a necessity. But, just a beer is just a beer, no? I just came to drink. And honestly, that I really did believe. Getting a beer and offers for more was just about all I really wanted. Or maybe at maximum get a girl to take off her shirt, or get a handjob… but no more.

Well, good friend and compatriots – let me tell you something about the Kangaroo bar. You just don't go there to enjoy a a beer and ogle the ladies. There's other bars for that, but not the 'Roo. Why? They know if you're there, you might be on the fence, but you're looking. Their response is to hit you like a ton of bricks. I didn't have a goddamn chance. My 90B beer had just been opened when not one, but two hot little numbers had their hands on me over my shorts, stroking me and offering to take me to the back room. When I dumbfoundedly failed to respond, the hands searched deeper, touching me bare.

Within seconds I've negotiated a 700B price and am in the Kangaroo's dirty back room. This lovely, skinny little minx is doing things to me so good that it'd make Stickman blush to describe. Fifteen or twenty minutes later, I've left my full beer at the bar and am walking home with a night ended at around 9 PM absolutely baffled at what I did. The concept of a condom never even crossed my mind! Maybe it was because this was my first mess up. Maybe I just didn't expect this to happen and didn't come prepared (I'm larger so I really don't fit into regulars). Who knows?

Overall, I think getting a BBBJ is dangerous and I hope to never do it again. But, honestly, the idea of covered is so boring that I think I'll just steer clear from them as a whole. While this was a dangerous thing to do, at least I enjoyed it quite a bit. Chalk it up as a one time thing, right?

Incident #2

It had been a few weeks since my Kangaroo bar incident, and I was getting riled up. But, after that, I've wanted to be safer. But good goddamn, I gotta do something fun every once in a while – right? So, I settled on the perfect night being a nice massage and hopefully touching and maybe an "only hands" happy ending. This seemed realistic and safe. But, where to? What place caters to this sort of thing? There's an outskirts massage bar in Patpong that I've walked by a few times that I wanted to check out. This one seemed like a "mix" perhaps of massage and sex, so I thought I'd give it a try.

The mama-san asked me if I wanted a one hour oil massage for 300B. Of course I did – that's only nine bucks! However, as soon as I got in the door – I knew the place was a bit shadier than I'd expected. Dirty carpets, and the like. It was like the back room at the Kangaroo bar, but this time I hadn't been drinking. But, I came in anyways. Dumbass. There were girls sitting around, but I didn't even get offered to make a choice. This didn't seem wierd, since I didn't even know if it was legit massage or not. If it was really legit, why should I choose who massages me? But, I doubted it was, since it seemed pretty dingy. Imagine a U.S. 40 dollar motel or one that pays by the hour and you'll get my drift on this place. As a note, I wasn't very attracted to my assigned girl. She seemed older, had small breasts, but was skinny and nice enough. We even got to joking around together about the fact that we didn't understand one another hardly at all.

The girl, I'll call her "Lisa", led me down a hallway full of teeny little dingy rooms to our destination. Upon seeing the room, I realized that this place was probably much more geared for seedy sex romps than massages. This hypothesis seemed confirmed when she closed the door and asked me to remove all my clothes. I really doubted that was part of a regular massage routine. But, I still did it, and laid down on my chest. Things started innocent enough, neck rub, back rub, leg rub. After that – she traced her oiled fingers along places that seemed highly inappropriate, and I thought I just might end up ok :) When she turned me over, I was obviously erect and this seemed absolutely unsurprising to her. She started stroking me a bit, which while arousing, seemed confusing to me. We hadn't even negotiated anything! Things were fine until she opened her mouth to take me in. Forget that! "Only hands!" I told her, and she stopped. However, ten seconds later – I feel her mouth start to touch the tip. To my second "No" she actually laughed at me and said "I forgot, I forgot!".

Red flag one – don't do anything unsafe to me if I tell you not to do it. Should have left there.

Next, she wanted me to touch her, which I did. This got her excited enough to take off all her clothes. She got into the little cot with me bare and started wiggling against me. Ok, so now I'm rubbing against her which I shouldn't be doing – but I'm ok with it. Being stupid. It's nowhere near penetration, but my base is rubbing against her. How dangerous is that anyways? My brains telling me not much, but I doubt that.

The, red flag too. I'm talking real red.

She's moving against me, and is obviously moving in a way so that I "whoops, accident!" Will slip into her. I'm watching her do this purposefully, and I'm not even wearing a condom. This girl definitely wanted me to do her. Even crazier, it seemed that any hole would do. She tried this with both. Now you might think that I'm crazy, but I'm not making this up in my head. This was real. You'd have to have been there to get it. It's the kind of thing you do to your 16 year old girlfriend, right? Baby, I just want to rub around it, I just want to touch the… oh my god, you're so tight! I've done it before, but was surprised to be on the other side! I just couldn't take the risk of accidentally barebacking this girl, not least due to the fact that she seemed so ready to that sort of thing. It seemed "safer" to me with a condom. In hindsight, that's a stupid decision for lots of reasons. Anyways, I was so weirded out at this point that I wasn't really into to it, and essentially took a risk for nothing.

Afterwards, I didn't know what to do. Did I owe her money? I guessed I did. I asked her if she wanted some more money and she said she wouldn't mind a 1000B tip. Now, I didn't have that much on me, so I offered her everything in my wallet. This was around 700B, and she happily took it, saying that we didn't negotiate beforehand so anything would have been fine. I wonder, is this common? Also as a note to self: carrying less in the wallet, but making a big deal about giving the girl all in there seemed to make at least this one happy.

One big wonder: why was this girl trying to do me so bad when she should have known all she needed were her hands? Maybe she thought I'd offer less if I didn't penetrate her. I don't know. Also, why did we not negotiate before hand? Am I being naive? Am I just an obvious trick? This seems like a bigger screw up than the Kangaroo. Goddamn it.

Closing thoughts:

I need to get my shit together. Not only am I being unsafe, I'm not even enjoying all the risks I'm taking. Also, I get myself into situations where I'm not in control. Why do I do that. Also, am I getting into the "seedier" side of the sex industry here? Blowjob bars and outskirt massage joints? What?

Come on man, clean it up.

Maybe I should find a Thai girlfriend like that guy in "Ten Weeks with Non-Bargirls".

Although, I really don't need as many as he seems to. What an inspiration, no? At times I wonder if that article is BS, but it seems pretty legit. What a cool dude. So much "freer" than me in lots of ways. Anyways, one decent girl would probably do it for me. Keep me off the streets in a way, something to think about.

Wait a second, backtrack. You know what blows my mind is about the "Ten Weeks with Non-Bargirls" thing? Some people gave that dude shit about that series for being unethical or whatever. Come on. That raises all kinds of questions. Is there really a responsibility for us to only date Thai girls if we think there's a chance for marriage? Why would somebody say that? Who made that rule? And, does someone who frequents the sex industry here (me, too, as a note) really have a chance to make that ethical argument? Is serial dating really worse or better than prostitution?

What if sleeping with a regular Thai girl or two, or three :) keeps my partner count down? What if it keeps me from bar girls? What if that keeps me from contracting HIV, and saves my life? You might say yes, I might say no – but the issue's obviously not closed. It's up for debate.


Anyways, I haven't started dating – but some girls have seemed to border on offering. "Do you have a girlfriend?" Seems a common phrase over here. Nowhere near the luck of the "Ten Weeks" dude, though. But, if I was to find a girl I really like – I'd date her without even thinking of marriage. Maybe someday, but it's not in my cards, and I'm not going to kill any possible relationship cause of it. So, deal with it.

Oh, yeah, where was I? Getting ahead of myself. Forget about girlfriends for the moment.

Just stop fxxxing up.. Stop fxxxing up… Idiot!


Stickman's thoughts:

I fear that you are already on the slippery slope… That you acknowledge it suggests that you're aware of it and ready to change. Good luck.