Readers' Submissions

In Praise Of Mr. Anonymous

  • Written by Anonymous
  • January 11th, 2007
  • 7 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok



I just love to read the submissions in Stickman. In my opinion the ones by anonymous are always the most interesting.

Wait, let me say that the most interesting and intelligent stories are by far are the ones by Korski, BKKSW, Hans Meier and Pothole Research. Hold on, how many people is that all together?

No matter. My main topic here is to thank all those nameless, and unsung heroes out there – sharing their trials, tribulations and sometimes triumphs with us. If they would only leave an e-mail address I could write to them and say thanks for their words of wisdom but mostly it seems that it's their words of experience that give us a better understanding of life here.

All those stories of getting screwed by Thai girls, all the misadventures, buying bars, lending money, trusting them, all the brainless ignorance of the new and sometimes not so new arrivals to the Land Of Smiles.

I can understand why they might not want to be identified – too embarrassing, humiliating even too dangerous, and yes, I regret to say, way too stupid.

I wish they would make up a second e-mail address just so I could talk to them but I don't even know their names.

Possibly like the contributor from Phuket who says he never learned how to speak Thai as he doesn't want to speak to these people (can't blame him) – maybe the essayists do not want to speak to me either.

I can understand this because as soon as I have finished a story and have it neatly tucked away in my computer, I feel so much better just by releasing it from inside of me. But hey, if you can vent on a public platform so much the better.

Ever read something on Stick that you have just been thinking about? And you jump up and say, "That guy's hit the nail on the head."

I have, plenty of times.

Anonymous from Phuket writes that he has never seen such a bunch of ignoramuses and idiotic, moron farangs as here in Phuket.

And I'm thinking, 'You know the guy has a point there.' I can only suppose he has never made it to Pattaya where the farangs there make the ones here look intelligent and gracious.

I stopped going to bars in Rawai. They are filled with loud mouth drunk white people.

Heck, I didn't go to bars like this back in the United States and I am sure not going to start now.

Okay, you all can say that Americans, like me, are idiots, but I have never seen people as rude as the Europeans that come here on vacation and that goes for the ones that live here too.

The Thais hate us, yes they do, make no mistake about it. But at least they do it with a smile when they step in front of you in line at the grocery store, shortchange you, overcharge you or run you off the road, it's always with a smile. Not so with the Europeans who just bump into you and think nothing of it or park their trucks in spaces meant for two or three cars.

No apologies, just an angry look.

On my way to the beach in the morning I always pass a bunch of white guys sitting at these makeshift tables outside the small Thai stores drinking the cheapest beer they can buy and it's eleven in the morning and the table is filled with empty beer bottles. What's going on here? Is this what people do all day in Phuket. Is this the white trash Anonymous is talking about?

I'm tempted to reply to some of the anonymous submissions with a submission of my own -as its the only way to reach out to these unidentified writers.

How many anonymous corespondents are there? Does one anonymous write most of the stories or just more than others?

Do you maintain your anonymity or simply remain anonymous? Does it matter?

The stories by the incognito wordsmiths are either so illuminating and interesting or so damn stupid that they cry out for response.

But I quit since my hip hopper reply submission. It was unkind of me and it flooded my mailbox for a week with emails.

(Which was okay with me) I will leave it up to you to imagine what they said.

When I was younger and visiting Thailand each year I was just knocked out by the pleasantness and friendliness of the Thai people -all those bows and wais.

Jeeze what a wonderful country with beautiful people. Now that I live here I realize what Mr. Anonymous said was correct. 'They only want your money.'

Yes, I know that a bar girl does not represent Thai people at their finest, but visitors to Phuket often only meet salespeople of all kinds. I don't even want to think about the Indian tailors. My friend Mike from New York stays at The Safari Hotel in Patong. It's a beautiful place which he refers to as ground zero. He loves it there. He was puzzled about something and asked me about it.

'I went to a bar on Soi Bangala and all the girls smiled and called out to me. I stopped in for a drink and everyone was as friendly as could be, climbed all over me. I was enthralled and delighted. It was wonderful.'

(Actually he said he was pretty excited, no one from New York City says enthralled.)

Mike continued, 'When I went back the next night I was the invisible man. No one and I mean no one spoke to me.

It was eerie, unbelievable after the reception I got the night before. My question is-What happened?'

'That's an easy one,' I told Mike. 'How many drinks did you buy for the girls?'

'None.'

'How many girls did you bar fine out at that bar?'

'None.'

'There you go. You're dead wood. Do you think those girls are from the Thai Welcome Wagon or the Red Cross?

No my friend. They are not there for their health. They are there to make money.'

'But they were so friendly the night before.'

'Forget it.'

Well, let me ask you another thing, he continued. 'I did barfine out a girl at another bar.

Everyone was so nice and friendly that night; it was a lot of fun. I went back the next night and they said my girl was home sick but might be back the following evening.

I bought a drink and hung around thinking that I might take another girl home as there were some cute ones there.

And do you know what? (much to his chagrin) No one would bother with me. What's happening with that?'

'Your girl and I use that term loosely was probably barfined out before you came but you have to realize that once you barfine her out, you are her customer.

I know that you are a salesman in the States; suppose someone invaded your territory, took a customer away from you.

Would you be angry?'

'Yes, you bet.'

'Same thing here. You want a different girl- you go to a different bar.'

'So, it's okay for her to go out with ten different guys from that bar but I can go out with only her?'

'Welcome to Thailand my friend.'

But back to Mr. Anonymous. Maybe it's a better idea to remain unidentified if you don't want any mail, especially if you're going to act like a baby if you get a letter you don't like.

I once sent a Stickman writer a flattering (I thought) letter praising his work and merely suggested that if he tightened his submissions up just a touch they would be so much better. He went off the deep end and sent me an irate email foaming at the mouth.

Actually I wanted to say 'Why not cut all the crap out of them- say slash them in half at least or throw seventy-five percent of it into the garbage. Oh well, what do they say about free advice, worth what?

Wait! Is this just the same guy that said he was under a deadline pressure and had to work hard and edit his submissions?

You mean all that babble doesn't fall unwittingly from his head, bypassing his brain, going right out through his fingers onto the keyboard without a second thought? Maybe he has confused spellcheck with editing.

One scribe comes up with the brilliant deduction that most Thais are racist. No s**t. Really?

Earn respect from Thais? Do you really want to? If so, you don't have to marry a beautiful girl or learn how to speak high class Thai. All you have to do is be a mean, hard nosed son of a bitch.

Little wonder these authors don't want to sign their names.

Stickman's thoughts:

I have to smirk!