Readers' Submissions

Bar Reviews

  • Written by Zyphur
  • January 9th, 2007
  • 16 min read

Dear Stickman,

I’ve been a long time avid reader of your site and whilst taking the opportunity to congratulate and thank you for your on-going efforts, which I do believe really are much appreciated by those unfortunate souls such as I who do not have the good fortune to live in LOS and who merely ‘survive’ until we receive our next ‘fix’ of Thailand and all it has to offer; thought I would offer up some opinions of my own following my recent visit.

Last month I spent a wonderful few days down in Pattaya, having not visited Fun City for a couple of years. Buzzing around the place, with a different pinion rider each day on the back of my little motorbike [purely to test out which one had the better ‘hold’ on me] I though Readers might enjoy or even find slightly useful my personal observations and views on the…humm…numerous…entertainment venues I slipped in and out of. I should possibly add, that as the evenings or indeed mornings, wore on, it is quite conceivable that my opinions and lusting of the ladies, became distorted by the volumes of Singha & Chang flowing through my veins and the undoubtable influence of my constant companion in these nightly ramblings…my close and dearest friend…Jack Daniels. Over the years and they are now quite considerable, Jack and I have, as close friends so often do, fought numerous battles, with he the inevitable victor and thus it is always comforting to have him by my side to guide and protect me against the continuous [well almost!] onslaught of devils, demons and angels who seek to intrude and undress the inner reassesses of my soul…

Polo Entertainment: Hit this place early on in the evening whilst you still have reasonable control of your lower body movements as there is a mountain of steps to negotiate upto this particular temple of delight. And that’s not the half of it, the top third of the stairs are closely guarded by a bevy of maidens clad in their black bikinis whose gauntlet you must run if you are to penetrate further inside. Be bold, it’s worth it. The bar itself is huge and very, very open with a central stage. It is a bit seedy, but then who really cares; you’re not here to admire the furniture afterall! The shows are excellent, very well put together and imaginative. I really liked the eater of flames, a babe who could and did light the fire within me. Some of the girls are truly model category. Audience participation is encouraged and expected, it is popular with the Asian coach parties, so if you are a little shy don’t sit too near the front or you may find yourself being coerced into performing. All good fun, especially if you liked being rubbed all over by many supple fingers, stimulating every sinew as you strain to retain your composure. Sets of ample melons bob and gyrate against that part of you that is seeking freedom. By now, the girls will have your measure [I hope you come up to the mark gentlemen!] so do not be surprised if, at the end of your performance, when you are least expecting it, a pair of nubile hands tug down the one remaining piece of clothing you have on to fully reveal you in all your magnificent or dishevelled glory!

Shark Club: Now this is a place which really lives up to its name! When there is meat around, sharks go into a feeding frenzy…it’s the same way with the girls here too, each and every one hungry to bite into your wallet. Within seconds of entering the bar, it is really rather small, two ‘Tigers’ had slid up beside me, rubbing their shiny, soft skin against my tingling flesh. Although this is a bar with many stunners, it is far too pushy for my liking and many of the girls have an SDS [shit don’t stink] attitude. On my visit, there were a couple of guys perched up against one of the smaller dancing tables, their ‘private’ dancer sliding up and down the chrome and they, with wads of baht, buying finger insertions and nipple tunings at 20 a shot for each piece of paper they slid, sometimes quite literally, into the girls gaping…jaws!? Cheap thrills, but a little too tacky for my liking. Before I was the next meal ticket, I headed for the door.

Kitten Club: I have always had a soft spot for cute little pussies and whilst ‘Kittens’ is not the purrrfect go-go, it does have a style and flavour all of its own and a visit is recommended, if only just to take a look at the inside. There were a couple of little fur-balls padding around in the Jacuzzi, cat’s don’t generally like water and regrettably a fair amount of lethargy on stage. However, Kittens has the most comfortable seating of any go-go that I have visited. Nice red cushions on which to perch your butt or that of the kitten of your choice. This is a club full of ambiance as it is different from the usual. However there are more than a few puppies up there with the cuter cats, but they all seem to be living harmoniously together and I suppose one man’s pup is another’s pussy…beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

Hot & Cold: I had read a very positive report somewhere about this joint being good fun with a lady and room for a tantalizing 1300 baht, so I decided it had to be worth checking out. Maybe I went on the wrong night, but with only a couple of exceptions the views were less than spectacular. ‘Who let the dogs out’ kept playing over and over in my head in a vain attempt to summon up one of my ice-melting smiles and hope to entice the one nymph I could find amongst all the elves. Eventually my sparkling eyes, but perhaps more likely the 1000 baht note I flashed, won the day and she crossed the great divide to nestle by my side. Although a night when she was flying the red flag of rejection, she was good company and we had a laugh as I told her stories of my ancestors swinging thru the jungles as reason for the copious amounts of hair she sweetly tugged at on my arms and chest. So I was ‘half-Ling’ or ‘half-monkey’, but hey, she had a smile that could have launched another thousand ships and she was making an old man happy. Across the room, pretending she was on a ‘bouncy-hopper’ was the cutest of the elves. Perhaps pushing no more than 5 foot in height she cavorted with such energy that I truly feared for the guy whose lap she was gyrating upon. If his trooper stood to attention and she landed on it and missed the point of entry, it could be snapped clean off…a man broken by his unrepentant Sgt. Major. All said and done, Hot & Cold is definitely a place for some upfront and in your face action. And, if your libations have already exceeded a healthy human limit, the elves may yet have their evil way with you.

Angelwitch Rock: A perennial favourite. In my opinion, this one is even better than its counterpart in Nana. I am a personal supporter of anything which wraps a lady up in a spiders web of gossamer black lace and this place is very, very good at doing just that. The girls are all cute and attentive without being overly pushy. My particular black widow was a huntress from Laos whose piercing smile tore open my soul leaving me as helpless as a fly stuck fast and waiting to be devoured. Up on stage the shows are alluring with some tasteful displays of body painting. The highlight was watching girl after girl slide from ceiling to stage until it was awash with a seething, writhing mass of coffee flesh. Throw one of those ubiquitous ping-pong balls and its like rush hour in Hong Kong…if it were not that most of the girls are neatly trimmed, fur would be flying all over the place in the rush to get the ball into their fishnet stockings. Good music and not too loud so you can actually have a conversation with your honey…all in all, a must visit.

Misty's: What a disappointment, this used to be a fun place. Sadly it lacks any sort of atmosphere and the girls are as lively as the stiffs in the local morgue. Did meet a nice service girl who spoke remarkably good English, which eased the otherwise painful time spent here. There is something very wrong indeed when there are half a dozen punters sitting alone and a bunch of girls chatting amongst themselves or slumped, wearily on stools willing the night away.

Whats Up: THE hot spot! Great girls, great atmosphere and more fun than even a night on the town with Sandra Bullock on heat could offer. Excellent sound system, lots of chrome, from poles to ceiling rings from which are draped nubile, writhing, naked bodies which can drop down on your face or lap without warning. This is Paradise…Pattaya style! Significant nudity abounds and lots of naughty shower activity underpinned with the now popular rubber-tube whipping antics choreographed to get you in that ‘can’t resist’ mood. There was more exotic fruit on sale here to satisfy even the most demanding gourmet. Some of the juiciest morsels are offered before you, so close, you could almost sample before purchasing. I could not fault this place…miss it and you have missed the current heart of sin city.

Coyote: Again, heard a lot about this go-go and so had certain expectations. Although I hit it early and maybe that was the reason, it was for me, like Xmas without the fairy lights and presents. Well maybe not strictly true, the presents were there and some, deliciously wrapped and full of promise, but Coyote’s gave me the ‘shark’ feeling…it all seemed a bit ruthless. Good sound system, but not too sure about the atmosphere, it’s what I call a ‘new-age’ go-go, all very white and bright; a bit overbearing. There are lots of different dancing stations and a posh upstairs bit which was empty when I was there. Barfine a showgirl and you get no change from a 1000, so be warned. For the regular girls you get a price hike after 11pm to 800, so if you want to feast on their lovelies, dine earlier rather than later. Overall, for me, a disappointment…needs to get that ‘ugly’ bit from the movie injected to give the place some raunch rather than Roadrunner feel.

Babydolls: This is an interesting one. Long narrow room with only stools and tables for aficionados of the flesh to sit at; which is hardly conducive to a bit of close personal intimacy. The girls, in the main, were standing, propped up against their chosen meal tickets who in vain attempt to caress something soft had arms draped around them like some form of maimed octopus. The dancing, a 50/50 mix of nude and bikini is done on tiny round platforms running the centre of the bar upon which the pole clingers do their thing. For gentlemen whose tastes lend themselves to ladies whose bra sizes exceed more than a handful, this could be your Nirvana! There was a plethora of 36C+ bobbing around on my visit and more than a couple with targets so large, Stevie Wonder would have no trouble finding them with his arrow. This coupled with a selection of nipples so erect I could have hung my hat or if passing too close could have taken out an eye, makes Babydolls a real possibility for those who like their melons big and juicy.

Windmill: Another new style go-go with about 4 dance platforms and sadly rather uninspiring. The only saving grace was that instead of the usual football, patrons were treated to the real game…rugby, being shown on the big screen.

Happy a go-go: This is one of the bars serving draught beer at 55 baht a glass, so that, coupled with the fact that they have one of Pattaya’s real ‘stars’ dancing on stage and gyrating her hips to the sounds of Shakira are possibly the reasons that this place was bursting at the seams with customers. But you have to hand it to this little fake blond bombshell, she really knew how to turn it on. Even an old hand like myself had to focus hard on keeping my mouth closed and my tongue firmly shut up inside. I even had to wipe the dampness from the sides of my lips. She was the Cobra de Cobra and the crowd loved it. There were more ping-pong balls flying in here than at a training session for the Chinese national team, so many in fact that I would swear a couple of girls could contemplate retiring from the bar scene at the end of the night. Everyone was happy and so the bar lived up to its name.

Spicy Girls: Sadly, it’s seen better days but then suffers from being surrounded by numerous gay outlets. Only the brave and fearless tread the path down Pattaya 2 road past the sickly sweet advances of those persons of persuasions different to my own; actually it’s less painful if you come up from Beach road. The bar was quiet apart from those I took to be falang regulars, but the ladies [I use the term advisedly] are friendly enough: well it can’t be easy trying to turn a trick when the rabbit has already left the magicians hat and the testosterone level has fallen below zero.

Star a Go-Go: This is an unexpected gem in the ocean surrounded by those bloody sharks! Quite a small, but very intimate [the girls certainly are] bar. The girls are alarmingly attentive and some quite attractive. Cheap draft beer, dim lighting and plenty of groping in all four corners made the experience a lot of fun. The ladies tend to hold a little more flesh about them than the average Thai nymph but that made for a pleasant change and for once there was some nice extra soft skin to cuddle and caress. I have a soft, invariably hardening, spot for this bar.

Super Model a Go-Go: The most boring of all the places I visited. Despite the absolutely stunning minx who really is a wasted asset in this place which otherwise lacked any form of atmosphere whatsoever. Despite trying to win her over with my recently acquired whiter than white smile, she only had eyes for another – I bled inside and my eyes glazed over, but there again he was a fair few years younger than I and considerably better looking. I guess these two were destined for each other. The best can always choose the best…were these two to become the Posh & Becks of Pattaya? I threw back head and with it the last drops of JD slid down my throat…I left to enjoy a spicy sausage from my friendly neighbourhood vendor at the end of the Soi.

The Castle: Pattaya’s only S & M club and a ways off from the main entertainment areas. Readers may also wish to cast their eyes over the earlier, excellently composed report written by another Reader on his experiences here. I for one fully agree with and endorse everything he says. Once you have been accepted by the dungeon mistress, a very sensual dominant who speaks perfect English, you will be led straight into the main dungeon area and bar. Sit and watch the scene for a while before choosing your own personal favourite slave or mistress or multiples thereof. The activity will get the blood coursing through your veins: 3 girls were bound, their nipples pegged and the application of hot wax had them whimpering and yelping with expectant delight. Two more young things were crawling around on the floor, their neat, rounded buttocks receiving the occasional whack from the Mistresses paddle. Like the Readers posting before me, this is not a place to watch your money. It’s B900 to get through the Portcullis, which does get you your first drink admittedly, but the girls here will mostly drink spirits, the Doms to strengthen their steel to whip the spirit out of you and the slaves to relax their bodies for that which they are about to receive! Two nurses were on hand this night to administer those special internal examinations much loved by people with significant shareholding in Baby Oil. Prices for activities are negotiable directly with the girls and start at B1500 upwards and really depend on what you require them to do to you, or that you are going to do to them, to realize your wildest fantasies. If the girl is going to need an extra bit of TLC for the next couple of days, make sure she is financially compensated for it…the girls here are excellent at their chosen work and deserve to be recognised for that. There are about 8 semi private areas plus the main part of the dungeon but this is an S & M club so be prepared to be on display to a certain extent. My choice and an excellent one as I was later to discover, was a very attractive and accommodating slave whose obedience was justifiably rewarded with a handsome tip at the end of our session. There is no P2P allowed but other than that, oh and that you must wear a black shirt, there are few rules except those established between you and your players. All of the girls I spoke to and indeed from what I was informed by my chosen slave are more than willing to consider your darkest desires. They have been superbly trained by the dungeon master, a very affable Frenchman. Whether you are a seasoned S & M aficionado or a first time curious, the Castle delivers its product tightly bound and full of promises to be fulfilled. So much so, that I returned the next night…for an even better experience.

And so my bar reviews were cut short, I had been lured back into the temple of delight, my will power sucked away and I felt, by the end of our second session only half the man I was at the beginning…she was that good and I was supposed to be the dominant one! Well, she had turned out to be more than I could ever have expected and despite being a bit long in the tooth when it comes to being entrapped by the ladies of the night, their deep sniffing, passionate kissing and words that batter like rams against your strongest defences, I was feeling, like so many Lemmings before me, rapidly advancing upon the mountains ledge, knowing, yet totally unable to do anything about the imperious danger of launching myself into the abyss. I was a man bewitched…only time will tell if I can brake her spell.