Stickman Readers' Submissions December 20th, 2006

A Thai Wife – The Real Deal

What is it really like being married to a Thai woman?

So she has a slightly dodgy background, a tattoo of a butterfly just below her navel and she bangs like a barn door in a gale. Her phone goes off at odd times of the day and night but it’s always a wrong number. At least twice a week, your routine is disrupted by some little drama involving either, one of her friends or a family member. Her smile would light up a church hall and she knows how to massage your ego and your todger with equal deftness. Her English is not really very good but you compensate by degrading your own spoken English so that it becomes impossible to hold a meaningful conversation. You start introducing words like ‘na’ and ‘kap’ and ‘chai-mai’ into your conversations because you think she might understand you better.

She never has any money in her purse no matter how much pocket money you give her. When you ask what she spent it on she pouts and sulks and becomes incapable of answering a straight question with a straight answer.

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But there’s always that beaming smile, that long black hair, those beautiful eyes and that magnificent body. Ah yes, that magnificent and soft and yielding body. Good god, it surely is heaven being married to a Thai woman.

Well it might be for a while but it sure as hell won’t last. It was never supposed to. This is what you get when you marry a sex bomb from Buriram. You always knew, deep down that it would end in tears. It was always just a question of time and the form of calamity that would bring about the end of the relationship. There’s never any doubt that end it will.

If you had not allowed your wife-selection thought process to get sabotaged by too much Singha and an overdose of sex, you might have stood a chance. Yes, but Christ man you came to Thailand to enjoy yourself not to get emotionally mugged by an angel in thigh high boots and black bikini bottoms. You weren’t prepared for that. There are some things you should never do whilst under the influence of alcohol or hallucinogenic drugs. Drive cars, operate heavy machinery or propose marriage in Thailand. The results of so doing are surprisingly uniform.

If you have got yourself into this kind of a marriage or you are about to or you have just extricated yourself from one, I’m afraid you only have yourself to blame.

Fortunately, that is not how things worked out for me.

I am a little reluctant to talk about my wife. Mainly because a very select few Stickman contributors have actually met her but also because if she ever read any of this, she would certainly kill me. Inspite of the risks, I have decided to throw some light on my private life so that I can share with you some of what really goes on indoors, if your spouse of choice happens to be Thai.

My wife doesn’t have a dodgy background or any tattoos.

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In fact she is a very conservative woman. To fully grasp what I mean by that, it is necessary to consider the meaning of the word ‘conservative’ in it’s broadest and fullest sense. My wife is conservative in thought and deed. Traditional family values are very important to her. She is careful with money. She dresses conservatively. Her hair is conservatively cut and she wears conservative shoes. She prefers to cook her own food rather than go to a restaurant. She is an extremely good cook. She drinks alcohol only occasionally and in moderation. She doesn’t smoke. She doesn’t like noisy bars and she is very shy around people she doesn’t know. She will not tolerate any show of affection from me (toward her), in public.

She gets uncomfortable watching kissing scenes on TV or at the cinema. There is no snogging on Thai TV.

She can’t dance. Oh sure, she can do that hand gesturing, Isaan thing, but that’s not really dancing. She never shouts. There have never been any screaming fits or throwing of breakable objects in our house. Unless that is, I did the shouting and the throwing. She prays before she goes to sleep every night and at least a couple of other times every day. She is deeply respectful of everything Buddhist.

Without going into any bawdy detail, our bedroom activities are also godfearingly standard. Were I ever to mention trying anything even slightly unconventional, my wife would be horrified. I cannot imagine what her reaction would be if I were ever to produce anything battery powered from the bedside cabinet.

Before going to bed my wife still emerges from the bathroom wrapped in a towel. She will change into her nightdress somewhere out of my line of sight or at the very least, with her back to me. Still shy after eleven years together.

I have not pressed a shirt or as much as washed a cup since I met her. There is toothpaste already on my toothbrush when I go into the bathroom in the morning. She takes care of me.

By saying these things I am most definitely not complaining. This is my married life and I am very happy with it. We are happy together….most of the time.

The point I am trying to make is that, assuming you are not married to a Thai woman, you might imagine that it would be different from the reality, somehow.

Being married to a Thai woman : just another typically Thai experience.

Union Hill

Stickman's thoughts:

She sure does sound like the traditional, conservative type that was very common in the past, but a little less common now (at least if one's hunting grounds are limited to places popular with tourists.)

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