Readers' Submissions

Tony Takes A Break In The Land Of Smiles

  • Written by Tony
  • October 27th, 2006
  • 9 min read

Whilst pondering my first submission, it crossed my mind how the British PM, Tony Blair (TB), would cope if he had to deal with his first-time adventure in the ‘Land of Smiles,’ on his own. (Humorously of course!)

Scene 1 – Welcome to Thailand

billboard bangkok

The first scene opens with TB clearing customs and very quickly, he falls foul of taxi touts, who take him to his hotel in Nana Plaza, via Laos and Cambodia. The taxi driver explains that he had to take a slightly longer route, because he was afraid of ghosts and was concerned about his own sick Buffalo. (Yep, Thai men have sick Buffaloes too!).

TB eventually arrives in soi 4, and straight away hears something very strange from one of the local girls,

“Yoo no very hansom man!”

butterflies bangkok

She then proceeds to ask for a tip.

TB does not understand this 'custom' and simply remarks, "Have you tried some Shin-Corp Shares?”

The bargirl does not fully understand or hear this, as the operation to remove her mobile phone from her ear had not been a complete success.

TB checks in and is amazed that the smiles he is greeted with are faker than his own!


Feeling hungry, TB decides to try some of the local dishes and orders up some 'spicy salad'.

Soon after the hotel reception has a request from TB's room, asking where he can buy some more underpants and the urgent requirement for a bucket of ice to sit on.

Having now lost 95% of his body mass down the pan, TB remembers he is here to do work and requests that the Thai PM, Thaki, meets him.

"Yoo wan see Thaki?…Yoo don no?…He in England!" reception chirped

"Gosh and wow!" TB retorts "Better get back then."

But now there are few problems to getting back.

TB's wallet, cards and passport have been 'borrowed' and there are 2 large ladyboys banging on his door, offering to help him with his sore ring, which is now flapping like an old wet blanket in a stiff breeze.

Scene 2 – Party Time, Thai style

Our story left off with TB in his hotel room in the nana platz, minus his wallet, cards, passport and a great deal lighter in body mass index.

With his shoes laces now tied together, to prevent his legs opening too wide, TB hopped to his door to see what all the banging was about.

The two big ladyboys stood there smiling, one holding a big tub of KY jelly and the other was grasping a large plastic implement that looked like it could be used as some sort of traffic calming measure.

"Hi, what can I do for you guys? You look like you're looking for some kind of party!" quipped TB.

"Herrow Tony, my name be 'Plick Yai' and my friend, he name 'Plick Nit Noi.'

“You friend in England, David Camelot, pay us to come see you and take care you!"

"Gripes! Well you look like party guys, come on in!"

"You guys want a drink?" (Stupid question but still polite anyway)

Five minutes later the boys had emptied the entire contents of the mini-bar and were just about to start on the duty free's, when there was a knock on the door.

Tony hopped over and pulled open the door.

Standing there must have been at least 30 Thai people and a Buffalo that had somehow managed to plod up the 72 floors via the fire escape stair.

"Hi," grinned TB, "What can I do for you?"

"Herrow Tony! We family 'Plick Yai' – he say we come eat stay wit yoo!"

"What?…surely some mistake…I…I…"

At that point 'Plick Yai' leaned over TB's shoulder and muzzled his neck with his stubble.

"No problem Khun Tony, this traditional here, I already order many food, jai yen yen!"

Well, the room was full now and Tony had started to relax in the company of his new guests.

He declined to eat anything as he realised that any more fluid loss could be fatal. The hot spicy food was naturally causing no problems for his guests, and even the Buffalo had started to munch on the rooms furniture. Sabai sabai.

The party was going well until…

"Would like to see some photos of my family?" TB enquired.

"This is my wife, Cherie."

The photo was past around.

It started as a murmur…then slow groans…then blood-curdling screams of fright and fear. Never had these people seen such a creature. The Buffalo took his chances and jumped out of the window. The others simply vanished like a magicians trick and the room was empty again.

"Wow! Such friendly people, the boys even left their toys" TB remarked to himself.

Another knock at the door and this time it was room service.

"Herrow khun Tony, I message for yoo, it say…err khun Tony"

the bellboy stuttered…"where you shirt?"

Tony looked down.

Yep, no shirt.

"Well I guess the boys must have borrowed it…I’m sure they will give it back" said TB.

The message read:

Meet me in the Hollywood Bar in 10 minutes. You will now who this is as I will be wearing, a one-size fits all tee-shirt, elasticised shorts, cheap sandals and all my hair will be shaved. Don’t bring the photo.

"Gripes! The Hollywood Bar…must be some sort of big film premier!"

Scene 3 – For Whom the Bellboys’ Toll

The bellboy also had a package, which he handed to TB.

"What’s this? I only bought a suitcase,” said TB.

“Man who gave message said give yoo. He say it Thai survival kit,” replied the bellboy.

TB looked puzzled; who was this person? What did he want? Why was he helping me?

Even stranger still, looking at the bellboy, how did these people manage to hold such a big beautiful smile and talk at the same time?

TB opened the package and laid the contents over the bed. He stood for a moment and pondered the significance of the contents.

They items were, a Thai / Icelandic phrase book, 2 Chang beer tee-shirts (x-large), some baggy shorts, cheap sandals, the address of local barber who would shave all your hair off for 20 baht, farang extra strong sun block, a sun hat, 10 packs of diarrhoea pills and an assortment of maps.

An unopened envelope was also amongst the kit, and he opened it up.

Inside were flight tickets to Phuket and Udon Thani, a bill for all the enclosed items and brief note, which read:

'Listen carefully Tony, I shall say this only once' it began.

"Wow! Sounds familiar already,” thought TB.

It continued;

'I have arranged for a friend to bring you to the bar. The clothes in the kit will enable you to blend-in and not attract too much attention. Be ready!!!!'

TB changed into the new clothes and stood in front of the mirror. He placed the cap on his head and noticed the 4 large letters on the peak spelt, D.O.R.K.

"Must be the local football team!" he chuckled.

A knock on the door.

TB's colon had now settled down a bit and he was able to walk without the assistance of having his shoelaces tied together.

He opened the door and standing there was a smiling man wearing a brown military type uniform.

"Sawasdee kap khun Tony.”

“My name is Police Sergeant Lieutenant Major Colonel General Admiral of the Fleet Somchai Rama-Langa-Ding-Dong-Bing-Bang-Bong-mines-a-Jonnie Walker-Black Label.”

” But Yoo can call me Bob.”

“I have come to take yoo to meet your contact at the Hollywood bar.”

“Are yoo ready?" Finished Bob with a cheesy politeness.

Now something had begun to unnerve TB.

The officers English was good…too good, what were all the medal ribbons for? This country had never been at war. Why were they all so friendly and smiling? It was not like this at home. You were lucky if you even heard English being spoken when you walked about in your own town these days. It had only been his second day here, and already it was getting to him.

Too late, the rollercoaster ride had started and there was no way to stop it!

He had blagged his last election with only 31% of the vote, so surely this adventure should be a doodle.

"Khun Tony…khun Tony…yoo okay?" said Bob softly.

TB came around from his daze.

"Hey? What? Yeh I’m fine! Shall we go then?"

Nothing had prepared TB for his first introduction into the Nana area at night. He felt sure that he had been slipped some sought of hippy pill that was making him see these things. The bicycle light on an elephants tail, a man with only half a body sped past on a tray fixed with roller skates, endless flashing neon lights, the heady aroma of petrol fumes and cooking stalls.

Oh yes, and the noise, continuous and unrelenting…Was this really happening to him?

The 2 turned into the Nana courtyard and Bob led TB up some stairs, along a passage, and pointed at a black curtained entrance door.

"Here it is Tony!” “Chock dii kap!"

TB turned around to thank bob, but he had vanished into the Bangkok ether.

“Please come in, we were expecting yoo,” said a voice behind the curtain.

A smiling Thai man appeared wearing an immaculate shiny black suit.

At last, TB was about to meet his mystery contact.

He was led to a bar and told to wait.

A hand touched his shoulder.

“Yoo wanna beer?”

TB turned to see who had asked.

“Who are you?” he squeaked, not really able to read the face in the dim light.

“Are you the contact?”

“No. I Mamasan. You wan beer or wah?” she shrieked.

“Love to, but I lost my wallet and…”

She stopped him in mid-sentence.

“Huh, yoo just Cheap-Charlie, you go now!”

“No, my name is Tony and what is going on?”

Just at that moment, the doorman appeared and escorted him over to a large table. Behind the table was a chair, which was facing back to him. A man whose face he could not see was talking into a telephone. The language was a type of English countered with a soft Scottish drawl. It sounded familiar. What was that he mumbling?

“Fiscal policy…Prudent spending…Interest rates…Want Tony’s job…”

The chair swung round to face TB.

“TITTY CHRIST!” gasped TB.

Just what was his nemesis, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, doing here?

“Gordon Brown-Nose!”

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“All in good time Tony, all in good time” said Gordy, “Please, take a seat.”

On the table TB noticed that all his missing things were lying there.

(To be continued?)

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