Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 152
Ok, maybe I should explain (Christ on a cracker I'm at the age now where I have to explain myself ). Ok, Dana–deep breaths. Alright, I'm better now. Anyway–Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 150 was my retirement submission. And Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 151 was a post retirement Addenda essay on fiction so that didn't really count. Sort of an epilogue. So why am I sending in this Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 152? Because the retirement is over: that's why.
I didn't write anything for weeks and the almost numberless Pattaya sunups and Pattaya sundowns of doing nothing night and day, the intellectual ennui, the hundreds of thousands of supplicant emails wanting to know why I had abandoned mankind, the telegrams from world leaders, the hand painted cards from school children, the medication sent in from pharmaceutical sales reps, and the empty hours without purpose or direction nearly killed me. I'm only human. Well, actually I'm not; I'm on the way to God status but just go with this literary convention for now.
Anyway, the second time I was picked up by the police and taken to Pattaya Memorial Hospital off 2nd road because I was staggering down the street with what looked like a combination of Tourette's Syndrome and Parkinson's disease I decided that I had to make some decisions. Hour after hour after hour after hour after hour after hour of starring at tranny websites is simply not enough. A man needs more (hey, surprised me too).
So I am back. I'm rested and I'm wired and I'm going to take names and kick ass. Don't mess with Stickmanbangkok.com writers when they come out of retirement. I've got a bumper sticker on my turbo charged tuk tuk that says: BACK FROM RETIREMENT and I'm flying two white-on-black field Stickman Writer flags from the front bumper that say BFR. My tuk tuk has been fitted with a nine-cylinder R-1690 Hornet class Pratt & Whitney airplane engine rated at 875 horsepower in the rear and I have a big Florida airboat prop on the shaft. Start this turbo charged tuk tuk honey up in front of a sidewalk noodle seller in Maha Sarakham and they have noodles in the sky over Borabu.
Primetime Bangkok TV News Report: Ka today ka white noodle ghosts ka were seen in the sky ka over Borabu. Ka ka. Khop Khun Ka. Ka. . . . ka.
So if you are out in your front yard in beautiful Amnat Charoen (I love a laugh) jabbing a bent stick under the porch looking for snakes and you hear the distant whine of a turbo charged nine-cylinder R-1690 Hornet class Pratt & Whitney airplane engine; well, I guess that could be anyone. But if you see a guy reclining in a beach chair on the front wearing a silver flight suit, snorkeling mask, white Go-Go boots, women's sized Harley Davidson gauntlet gloves, and a mahout's hat– that's me. And the aluminum foil antennae on my head? That's how I receive messages from the spaceships. I get ideas.
Anyway, all I can say is get your dogs out of the road. I'm not retired anymore, I'm writing for Stickman again, I've heard there is a story in Loeng Nok Tha, and I'm coming through. Hear that sound at 120 decibels that sounds like a long wet fart from a German expat? That's my horn. You've been warned. And what is that thing on my lap? It's a laptop Mr. 'I Majored in Creative Writing'. I'm writing and driving at the same time. Ninety five miles per hour and typing at seventy five words per minute. Try it some time. Jacked baby–Kamalasai to Roi Et in sixteen minutes. Try that Mr. Rural Expat with the words HEMI stenciled on the quarter panels of your red pickup truck.
Actually, there are now sixty of these turbo charged airboat propeller tuk tuks in the Kingdom as part of the Dana story program racing from bar to farang to bargirl to town to village to prison to hospital to proconsul to airport to beach to jungle to various governmental agencies and hotels tracking down stories for Stickmanbangkok.com. So if you are fishing in Khon Kaen, or flying a kite in Hat Yai, or swimming in the Mekong at Bung Kan and you hear the whine of a nine-cylinder R-1690 Hornet class Pratt & Whitney engine then you are near a breaking story and Dana or one of his crack investigating reporters is on the case. In fact, if you have a wallet in your pants and a tranny is sneaking up on you; you might be the breaking story. Suffice it to say that if you fart in Phra Nang or burp in Betong; we will know it, and we will report it, and you will be able to read it in black and white .com text.
These tuk tuks will be dispatched every morning from tuk tuk barns in Bangkok and Nakhon Si Thammarat and Ubon Ratchathani and Phitsanulok and Khon Kaen and Chiang Mai and chase down story leads that have been faxed and phoned and carrier pigeoned and mamasaned and emailed the night before into the central story lead distribution center in Pattaya. Story lead central and story lead distribution will be headquartered in the sixth floor ocean facing suite of the AA Hotel on the corner of Soi 13 and Beach road. Ever seen a Thai rustic throw a net over a school of minnows? That is what we are going to do in Thailand with stories.
So, now on to the main event–a story called: WHAT I MEANT WAS . . . Enjoy.
Boy oh boy can there be slippage between two lovers of different languages. Communication between fated lovers destined to share every future sunrise and sunset with each other is so so important. Nobody is more sensitive to this than me. Hell, I'm so damn sensitive about stuff some people think I'm gay. But that ain't it. I'm just a highly evolved human being totally tuned in to the heart and mind of my teeruk and super anxious to share my thoughts and feelings with her. Right now her English is not that good and my Thai is not that good either so sometimes a little translation between 'What I Said' and 'What I Meant' is necessary. My fondest wish and deepest desire is that someday my Thai lover and I will share a common language with such effortless linguistic facility that I can share my feelings with her and she will know exactly what I am thinking. Wow it'll be as if we two have become one (maybe I am gay). Anyway, communication is so important. Gosh I almost might cry this stuff is so special. So read below some of my true life instances of 'What I Said' and 'What I Meant'. I'm sharing here people (Christ–am I gay?). I think you'll find it instructive. I think if you use me as an example it will be all about karma (don't ask me–I don't know either). Maybe someday you can be as evolved as I am evolved. Probably not but everyone needs a dream. At any rate: below are thirteen examples of 'What I Said' and 'What I Meant'.
WHAT I MEANT WAS . . .
"I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord please don't let me be misunderstood." *
* The Animals–(Animal Tracks-Sept/65)–60's rock 'n roll band
1. Honey lover, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When I said I'd love to go to your village and meet your parents and your sisters and your brother and your grandmother and your favorite monk and your pet chicken and your family's buffalo what I meant was–
"I wish I was dead. Please someone shove an icepick in my brain. But at least I'll get to see her naked again."
Please don't let me be misunderstood. Honey lover; please don't let me be misunderstood.
2. Honey Fa, my beautiful Fa: I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When you asked me on our first date to the Royal Palace if you could bring your sister I said Yes–What I meant when I said Yes was–
"I can't believe it. It's only our first date and this almond eyed prostitute is already working me!"
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.
3. Honey baby, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When I met you in the bar and told you how attractive you were what I meant was–
"Let's go to my hotel so that I can pull down your pants. The Viagra has kicked in and I could drill holes with my dick."
Oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood.
4. Baby Baby, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When you suggested I buy you out of the bar so that we could spend all of our time together and I said Yes; what I meant to say was–
"Somebody please take a chainsaw and cut off my nuts and dick. It would be less painful than spending all my time with you."
Please don't let me be misunderstood.
5, Daow, my dimple cheeked Essan wonder Daow; I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When you asked me to take you to the Big C and I said Yes; what I meant to say was–
"Sweet suffering Jesus now I'll have to buy shoes and jeans and a purse and some octopus snack food crap for this idiot when all I want to do is tie her up and pile into her rear."
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood. Daow, honey; I love only you.
6. Speaking of buying things. Na my heartbreak Na; I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Remember when you bought me the gift (with my money) in Pattaya? Remember what it was? It was a tourist T-shirt size large. I am not and never have and never will be a size large human being. The T-shirt that you presented to me as a gift and as an example of caring was the wrong size. Really the wrong size. Not even remotely the right size. I could have worn this T-shirt like a dress. Remember what I said Na? I said "Thank-you (with big fake happy eyes)"– but what I meant to say was:
"This is a thoughtless gift from a thoughtless person who does not value me or us. This is crap and she is crap."
Oh, Lord please don't let me be misunderstood.
7. Min, my lovely Min; I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Remember when we were walking back to the AA Hotel on Soi 13 in South Pattaya and you asked me if we could stop at the jewelry store and if I could buy you a pair of gold earrings–AND YOU WERE ALREADY WEARING GOLD EARRINGS? Well, I said Yes didn't I Min? What I meant to say was–
"No you stupid grasping ignorant greedy fool I won't buy you anymore junk. Now just come to the hotel and earn your money."
Please, Min, don't let me be misunderstood.
8. Nan, my one and only; I'm just a soul whose intentions are good and I love you more than the smile on my daughter's face. Do you remember when 2500 baht went missing from my wallet and you said you didn't know anything about it? Do you remember me smiling at you and saying 'mai ben rai'? Well, what I meant to say was–
"I'll get that money from you if I have to sell your blood."
Nan, my one and only; please Nan–don't let me be misunderstood.
9. Noi, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. Remember the first night I took you out of the bar and you said you had something in your eye so we couldn't go boom-boom? Remember, the second night that I took you out of the bar and you said your stomach hurt so we couldn't go boom-boom? Remember me saying I was sorry about your eye and your stomach? Well, what I meant to say was–
"I hope you burn and twist in the fires of hell for eternity you manipulative thief of my time and my money and my emotions. You have absolutely no value to me now. You're nothing but toilet paper (if you can find any in this country) on the bottom of my shoe. I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Tomorrow you get no money from me and no respect from me and I am going to get Derrick from the group of lounge lizards in the lobby of the Nana Hotel to help me talk to your mamasan."
Oh, Noi–don't let me be misunderstood. Bitch. Sudd-Na-Rock.
10. Wan, my heart attack lover Wan–I'm just a farang soul whose intentions are good. Remember when you asked me to give you 20,000 baht so that you could help your brother who needs an operation? You said the doctor in Pai Doc Rat Mae Hong Bung said your brother needed to have his clitoris repaired. And do you remember me saying I would give you the money in two days? Well, what I meant to say was–
"Two days my ass. I'll be at Don Muang airport tomorrow. Her brother needs to have his clitoris repaired? These dumbasses aren't even intelligent enough to be stupid. It'll take another 5000 years of evolution in this country before they can be classified as stupid. In the meantime I've got one more day to drill this woman"
Please Wan, my gentle feminine beast of love, don't let me be misunderstood. I love you so much.
11. Honey teeruk, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When I said I was thrilled and flattered that you wanted to come to the airport to see me off what I meant was–
"Christ will this never end? When am I going to be rid of this mind numbingly boring sex object?"
Honey baby, Don't let me be misunderstood.
12. Honey lover, I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When I said I would send you money every week until I came back what I meant was–
"Not in a million years am I sending this lazy crap starfish trash anything. I'd dig out my eyes with a wooden spoon before I would send money to this slack stomached sexually boring mustachioed future bag of fat."
Oh honey lover, please don't let me be misunderstood.
13. Honey baby my beautiful lover Sunee; I'm just a soul whose intentions are good. When you called me in Boston on my cell phone and I said I was excited and happy to hear your voice what I meant to say was–
"Holy crapola, I've got to change this cell phone number, and change my name, and quit my job, and move so that this crazy Thai whackjob can never find me again."
Oh, Sunee my one and only love; please don't let me be misunderstood.
So to review: there is nothing more important than love and one of the wonders of sharing lives of love and commitment is communication. I think you can see by the above examples that even though I do not speak Thai fluently that my heart is in the right place. I am a giving sharing sensitive man. I can't brag. It's a gift. Plus I can lick my own balls. If you want to email me and share your thoughts on this important subject you'll have to wait until I have moved. That Sunee bitch who called me in Boston is on my trail and I've got to haul ass.
"I'm Just A Soul Whose Intentions Are Good
Oh Lord Please Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"
At the end of a long week, it is nice to know that we have our weekly Dana to read and enjoy. I know there is a small number of readers who are perplexed by Dana's writings, but the fan club numbers continue to swell. Welcome back.