How Can I Be Such A Fool?
Ok then, this is my story and I hope that it will be a warning to all you guys out there. I am not a shy man nor an overly confident man either but I do not believe in paying for sex. I just do not enjoy it. I think the whole act is rather false, has
no achievement except that of exchanging body fluids which I think in today's climate is extremely dangerous, especially in countries where medical help is rather inadequate and only rich people can afford it.
Over the past few years I have read many of the stories on this site which seem to be mostly about being ripped off by some sexy bargirl and I would say it serves you guys right. Anybody who has to procrastinate themselves and allow their personage to be violated because some European male wants to do some perverse act on them for a few lousy baht deserves some form of punishment. And the bargirl who has to suffer the shame would most definitely learn the harsh realities of life quickly in order to increase their status by ripping Farangs off, to me this seem quite reasonable. This is my belief, what’s good for the goose is absolutely right for the gander, whatever country one is in.
However the idea of having a family, having an Asian wife (I just love the Asian look) is / was extremely appealing to me. I’ve had many relationships here in the UK however when one gets older the choice diminishes and by the age of 45 all one can get is divorced women with other people's children, which is not so bad, but looking after other people's children is odd. I’ve had three long intimate relationships here in the UK with divorced women who’ve already got kids and yes it’s OK, but it’s not ones flesh and blood so to say.
After being single for a while (getting over the last relationship) I decided to take the plunge and see if I could find a wife. There has been so much publicity about Thai wives on the www, on the TV, in the papers, and Stickman’s website about bargirl etc.. There must be something in it? The latest news on the BBC website is 70 men in the UK a week marry Thai girls. Anyway this turned out to be a very big and stupid mistake for me to undertake and I have learnt my lesson the hard way.
Every time one opens the internet one sees “Date in your area”, “Lonely, find a partner” …etc. Nearly every page that pops up has some form of ‘get your leg over’ by clicking on this website and of course ‘cough up’ whilst you’re at it. So like a fool I’ve tried them, met some very stupid people and nothing that fantastic happened. I actually met one woman who is now a good friend but that’s about it. So maybe I’ll try further a field. Thailand came to mind, why not the Land of Smiles, that is the first thing on sees on the net, sounds very positive. One will also find that the women over there are very pleasing and loyal, it’s part of their culture you know. So the more one looks, the more one finds rather good things to be said about the place. OK there are one or two bad things said but that’s said about most places. What do I know about Thailand? Nothing! I started reading posts on Stickman’s site and thought that many of the letters where rather negative, degrading and rotten scathing attacks on a culture that was not conducive to the individuals’ palette.
So where / how / when was I going to meet this fantasy Thai woman? Silly me, I found a marriage agency, of course on the internet. Run by a Welshman who after e-mailing him and speaking to one of his happy customers (who I spoke to many times and e-mailed) convinced me to go and have a look at a cost of course, well one has to pay for services. Remember I had never been to this part of the world and I knew nobody in the LOS.
I was very sceptical and still am. I did not believe for one minute that a middle-aged westerner with a beer belly (I like me drink) can find love, affection, from a beautiful Thai Lady who would actually like me. I’ve been on some rather expensive holidays before and going to LOS which as we all know is rather cheap and it is not so much of a handicap paying an extra grand to be introduced to a future wife etc. At least one gets to meet the local talent (not bargirl) as the agency supposedly checks them out so they say.
The agency picks you up from the airport and takes you to your hotel. I liked the look of the Ambassador and still do, so I stayed there. There are many a men standing in the foyer waiting for that special person at The Ambassador. I was also taken out for complimentary dinner and discussed business.
Next day I was picked up by the man who ran the agency and was taken to his office not far from Sukhumvit Road. Prior to our meeting in the UK I had already chosen 15 women from his website with the age range from 32-45. I was not that keen on younger women as I was more interested in life experiences etc.. Out of the 15 women only about 8 turned up. I found the meetings rather dull and one of the women who I was very keen on turned out to be the worst meeting I had which I was disappointed by. Ok so I chose to take two of the women out for dinner etc. I did not have such a wonderful emotional time but they where both very polite, charming and appeared to be sincere and did not understand a word I was talking about as I have a thick Northern English accent. This was my second day in Thailand and I was enjoying myself (no sex), all above board. The next day I was introduced to all the ones I had chosen and did not get along with any of them nor them with me. So it was back to the drawing board and search again. The secretary showed me a few of their large books with photos in and I started rummaging through. I felt like a bit of an idiot. What the hell am I doing here in this office in Bangkok looking at would-be wives? The agency man took me for a very cheep dinner and then we went back as his secretary had chosen some women for me. I think it must have been the third person who entered the room. It was to be a big mistake. She actually put on a performance on for me and was exceptionally positive (could have been nerves or an act I do not know). I was rather taken back by her simple yet optimistic attitude. DONG! I liked her. This is where all logic goes down the drain and emotions take over. Go on, show off, show her what you got. So I did.
We went for a good meal at a seafood restaurant, the one where the lobsters are picked out of the fish tank and there is a Thai dance performance accompanied by authentic Thai musical instruments. What a tourist I must have been. Anyway I was enjoying myself and it was all very innocent. I like it like that. I’ll call her ‘S’. She seemed to like me. I was not expecting to meet a woman like her as she was not what one would call your typical submissive Thai (what do I know) and she would say what she thought. I also think that there was some sort of commonality as though we both had some shared experience that we could communicate through etc. Is this a load of trash or what? Well we seemed to be enjoying ourselves. So I asked her to take some time off work and see if we could get along. She agreed. We had a choice Singapore or Phuket. I had always wanted to go to Singapore as my Dad was stationed there during WW2. S always wanted to go to Singapore as well, so we went. S was fairly attractive and she reminded me more of a Vietnamese girl more than your typical Thai (she has an excellent figure) however I thought she was inventive and caring, thoughtful. Well I did like her and she had some very positive attributes. We had innocent fun in Singapore and I must say the Chinese food there is fantastic. On the whole it was a fantastic holiday. I did not think that I would have ended up in Singapore with a very nice Thai woman arranged by a wedding agency, it all seemed rather surreal. On the way back to Bangkok we realised that the tsunami was under us. Yes we flew over it, we where thinking of going to Phuket. Well, if we had we could have been goners.
So the word from the agency was that S wanted to marry me. So like an idiot I agreed. I had only been in Thailand for less than two weeks and only knew S for 10 days and I am already proposing to her. What a complete schmuck I must have been. Of course it would be going through anybody's mind. Am I doing the right thing? Am I an idiot? What the hell? Also S must have been asking herself similar questions etc? I did fancy her and I did find her very interesting. I was not in love with her yet I could see it was not too difficult for me to love her. Whilst we were in Singapore I asked S many questions, to see if we where on the same wave length etc, like what would you do in the UK? What would your plans be in the UK? Do you like sex? Do you have any problems with intimate relationships? The list goes on, we where both eyeing each other up continuously to see if we where compatible. All went well and there was no pressure on either of us. The discussions and answers all seemed to be fine, no conflict, I was assuming S understood what I was talking about and she seemed to be. I might have been jumping to some sort of conclusions about certain issues but humans are flexible and anything in the future could happen. So no future plans were being hatched from me anyway. Put it like this, S came across as being genuine I am a trustworthy guy and do take marriage very seriously. S came across the same. One of my concerns was that we had not kissed each other or touched each other. I was showing my respect to the Thai culture but was also worried that maybe this could be a complete hoax. S was educated, she had a degree in business studies and she worked for Bangkok Bank as a secretary to the manager. She is polite, has got a good sense of humour, took care of herself, presented herself as a modest woman. She was 27 then. I thought her to be a bit too young for me but she wanted to be with me. So I took the plunge. Being ripped off did not occur as I did not see what she could get out of me. She was prepared to give up her job and come to live in a foreign country which was far away form home so she must have liked me, so I thought. The word love had not been used between us at this stage. All I know is that I was just about to leave Thailand. I bought her an engagement ring, told her of how my love for her will grow and that we shall have a happy life together in sunny UK.
So before we left the agency informed us both about what we had to do to get the spouse's visa. We also discussed with the agent the amount of the sin sod but not gold. Gold was not mentioned. After a short debate I agreed to £3,000 as she was not a bargirl and she had been educated. Well anyway I thought it was worth it, however I was not in full agreement to this procedure, as in the west it looks like one is purchasing a woman. It could / is perceived as a sort of hidden slave trade. I asked her, who will keep the money. Her reply being ‘I will’. We were informed to keep in contact every day by the agency and keep all records of contact e-mail, letters etc. This we did and I still do not know whether this created a false relationship. Some of the communication was important and I did learn more about her and some of it was to me bogus.
Three months went by, phoning her at work, e-mailing and letters, she occasionally phoned me. Of course she wanted a wedding so I was asked to send £2,000. I was told her mother would arrange everything so do not worry. I was also asked to send other monies for English lessons, medical stuff for her skin. She had to give her flat and job up so that she can arrange everything for the wedding so I was sending her £300 a month plus expenses. As one can see I was starting to get very worried. I hardly knew this person and having much time at hand reading all these stories on Stickman’s started to make me a lot. However S sounded very positive on the phone, sent me lovely postcards with lovely words and this definitely put me in a false sense of security. I explained many times that the UK is a very different place and that it will take time to adjust and that she will have to change her way of thinking which I believe some people just can not do. She said that she was prepared to change and that she wanted to be a Westerner. This adventure of mine started to cost me more than I originally planned and I had to borrow money from the bank to pay for the cost of flights, sin sod, honeymoon and all the rest of it. Gold was mentioned just before I was to leave to be wed so I had to borrow more money.
Arriving back at Bangkok to be legally wed was arranged by the agency. This was the first time I met my future mother-in-law and some of S's family. They all seemed to be very happy. S was also very happy. We were all very happy. After the legal matters we then bought the gold, I think about £300 (I do not know how many baht that is). Everything was going smoothly. So far this adventure had cost me flights, hotel, agency fee, wedding, sin sod, gold, application for spouse visa, and honeymoon about £10,000. I started to feel very much out of my depth and was very worried about being in this what seemed to be a good family with a nice daughter. I was thinking all the time about whether I was doing the right thing. Remember I had no idea about Thai culture, about their attitude nor what they expected from me.
S’s mother seemed very happy (well everybody in Thailand seems to be very happy). So off we went up north to her family’s home. I was paying for everything. Even though S and I were legally married she would not sleep with me until we had the Thai wedding. For three or four days I sat at the family home meeting all the friends and family. I started to feel welcomed and reassured that everything was working out and that I was not being used. However still in the back of my mind S’s attitude towards me was a bit flaky. She was not behaving as she was when I first met her. However I was introduced to a neighbour who was on holiday. She had married an Australian. At first when I met the neighbour I did not even realise that she was Thai as she had taken on the whole western thing. My wife said to me that she wanted to be like her. This confirmed that she wanted to be western and this made me more at ease. So I stayed out of the way not being able to speak the language. I met many of her friends and family and experienced life in rural Thailand eating fried beetles and mountain moths, drinking home made whisky. It was just like being in a squat in South London. Yet what was pressing me was the relationship between me and S, I did not get many feelings from her. I was informed that she had had only one boyfriend before, so by giving her the benefit of doubt I let it rest. They say that western men need that reassurance all the time. Well it is true. And love and affection is a western thing, so do not expect it from Thai women. This is a very convenient situation for Thai women to get away with falsehood.
I was very shocked at the amount of people who turned up for the wedding, about 500. It was rather bemusing and I found my wife to be the perfect host. What also shocked me was that we had another party in the main city near by Chiang Rai (this is why it cost £2,000). I was rather annoyed. We did not need two weddings. On the whole I was feeling very out of it as I can speak no Thai and I had absolutely no conversation with anybody and my wife was talking to everyone except me. I really became worried at what as going on. I was also absolutely shattered (jet-lag plus a few whiskies) and went to bed quite early at the hotel where the wedding party took place. I was woken by my wife and in the morning we consummated the marriage (I think my wife was shy which I perceived as a good thing). On the whole I wanted her to feel close to me. Yet in Thai culture it is rather difficult to do in public as they do not hold or kiss each other. I took all this on board and knew that in a few years she would change and there would be nothing to worry about.
The honeymoon was sort of fine, however I did expect more of a loving romantic paradise. My wife did not seem to care. She just wanted it all to finish and showed very little affection. After the second night we were together I went to give my lovely wife a big kiss, she pulled back and told me she did not like to be touched. What the hell is going on went through my mind. She said in Thai culture intimate relationships are frowned upon. I was getting rather nervous. I could not work out what she was trying to pull on me. I am not a wealthy man, there is very little to gain from me. Why the hell marry a man and then tell him that you don’t like sex or to be touched. Remember I asked her before we got married in Singapore if she had any hang ups. So is this person a liar or what? We were both committed by now. I tried to explain the situation that part of the world of marriage is physical contact. Was she playing me along? I must have been a fool. I admit that there is some truth about her culture but from what I could see there were loving close relationships going on around us. So like a big soft idiot I am I gave her the benefit of doubt and she said that she was prepared to change when she gets to the UK. I was not demanding sex, all I wanted was some love and affection. The woman I married did not have a clue how to give me some loving. I was starting to become very worried. She kept on telling me she loved me but I did not believe her as her actions were just wrong. Her body language was not right. Ok so maybe Thai culture is different. I really did not know who to ask or who to turn to for advice. I have found many websites that explain Asian people do not know what romance is so I accepted this and expected my wife to learn the ways of the west when she got here to the UK.
The honeymoon was OK but I had expected a lot more form S, some form of participation doing things together. I got the impression that she was already bored with me. We did some things that were very touristy, which was OK. Also I was running out of money.
I left Thailand fairly happy knowing that S would be with me in a few months. It took 4 months to get the spouse's visa. I was sending her money £300 and her mother £50 a month. When she got the visa I sent the air fair. Within two weeks she was here in sunny UK.
I explained to her that she was my number one priority and that I would do anything for her (within reason and can afford). I found my wife to be very careful with our money and trustworthy. All the things that people say about Thai girls seemed to be false. I was on to a winner here. But where was the love? I got the very rare hug and the occasional kiss on the cheek. But it all felt false, no spontaneity, nothing. There was no passion coming from her and if I started to give her a real hot hug then she would start backing off. I did like her a lot and could quite easily fall in love with her but it takes two to tango and no one was tangoing. She just could / would not give herself over to me. I do not like falsehood and I was feeling rather empty about it all. I explained and explained. I think she knew what I was talking about but she would not give in. She was very obstinate and I can now say she is very selfish.
No lying in bed together late on weekends, no rolling around with hugs and kisses, no affection at all. This woman was like an ironing board. Why was she acting like this? She kept on telling me she loved me but she did not behave like it. “Thai culture, Thai culture, Thai culture.” That’s all I got from her. Within six months of the marriage S suggested that I find myself a girlfriend for sex. This was the last straw! I have never been so insulted in my life! She thought it was a good idea. It was starting to become quite obvious that this woman never loved me at all. I do not think she ever did. So why the hell did she marry me? What was her game? There were many little things that made me realise that there was a cultural difference. So I kept on giving her the benefit of doubt and being PC (politically correct) and excepting this ‘Thai culture’ thing. I bought ‘Thai Fever’, showed it to her and asked her to read it. She didn't.
When S arrived in the UK we were all excited to start our new life together. At first it seemed to go rather well. I’m sure S was nervous, so I made allowances for her; I gave her space and showed much understanding which I never got any appreciation for at all. I showed her around town, where to buy food, clothes etc. I noticed that she was very careful with our money and she would only purchase bargains which was fine by me, however I explained that some times saving money on an item would not necessarily mean that one made a saving in the long term. I got her a computer so she could use the internet. I got her loads of learning English stuff and signed her up for private English classes and local college classes. I showed her much devotion and gave her anything she wanted (within reason). She kept on wanting me to buy her ‘Bling’. I said only on occasions. I was more interested in her getting warm clothes for winter as it gets cold where we live. On the whole she appeared happy and was fairly good company.
I asked S where the sin sod and gold was. She told me she gave the sin sod to her mother contrary to what she told me she was going to do with it a few months ago and that the gold was being kept safe at her mothers’ house. For sure a wooden hut without a lock on the door. I was getting very suspicious.
She spent many hours a day on the internet MSN chatting to her friends in Thailand. I explained that if you speak Thai all day then learning English was a waste of time. I knew that she was lonely but if she really loved me as she said she did then being with me should satisfy her. I was aware that there was a small Thai community in the city we lived in so I got in touch with them and introduced her to these people. I still today do not know whether it was a good idea. Anyway she was happy to meet these people and started doing things with them. I started to notice that she was not interested in doing anything with me. I also noticed that she never cooked for me either. S made herself Thai food which I do like however her type of Thai food was saturated with sugar and salt (a lot) and pig fat (also a lot) which is bad for my health. Every time I asked for food without salt or sugar I got nothing. I also noticed that she did not have a clue about cleaning a house. She had never used a vacuum cleaner before.
On the whole her attitude was exceptionally ungrateful. I was paying for her to stay in my house whilst she could do whatever she liked. I had set up a joint bank account so that she could purchase food for the house, buy herself clothes and pay for petrol. I let her have the use of my car most days. I walked to work – it is good exercise for me.
I explained to her on the first day she arrived that this account was for us and that if she ever got her own private account then it would be the end of our relationship. Well ten months down the line she went and set up her own account without even telling me.
On the whole I found S to be very stubborn (all her Thai friends have said the same). S was not prepared to change her Thai ways. She said she wanted to but she had absolutely no intention of doing so. S showed particularly no interest in European or UK culture. S did not want to know about anything that was not Thai related. All she wanted to do was speak Thai to her Thai friends.
We had many bad arguments all about our relationship. She did not understand why I was getting very upset. S turned out to be a stupid, selfish, horrible woman and I assume after reading many of these stories that all the men agree. Thai women are not good people. The article ‘Why I Never Married A Thai published on 4/7/2005 by Arthur’ that I thought to be wrong and a scathing attack on Thai women has so many truths about the type of people they really are.
I put up with this unloving relationship for too long and asked S to speak to these Thai friends of hers to see if they could help her adjusting to western ways and find out how these Thai women make their husbands happy. Everything I did was for her. She was not interested in doing anything for me.
Playing around with people's feeling for selfish gain to me is a crime and can be perceived as a form of extortion. S did not care about my feelings and she did nothing for me. She did not care if I was happy or not. I suggested on many occasions that we go to ‘Relate’ but she showed no interest. I had explained that there was something wrong with our relationship and that it needed sorting out, after S suggesting I get myself a girlfriend to sleep with I had had enough.
A major change in my / her life was just about to take place. I had decided to give up my career for a more lucrative one as I / we was hoping to start a family. S was not that aware of home economics in the UK and I was not that certain that the work I was doing then had much of a future in it. So after many discussions on what we where going to do S’s reply was always ‘Where you go I go’ & ‘It’s up to you’. This was quite an undertaking for both of us as looking for a business in the UK takes a lot of doing. I told S that she would be able to work with me and get a good salary, also my / our income could double. So my / our house was put on the market, we managed to get a buyer, so it was just a question of finding the right place to buy. At first this journey was rather exciting, taking and showing S different parts of the UK but this started to lead to many arguments and after a few visits to various shops S lost interest and showed little concern. We had a big row over her lack of attention and her disrespect towards me. We were in a dodgy situation, the house was nearly sold, both of us unemployed and looking for that family business. The last thing I / we needed was a bust up. When S and I started this journey for a family business S was very positive and was looking forward to work with me in the shop. After a few months she started questioning whether we would get on working together, she also started suggesting hat I had no idea about businesses and that I had no experience and that I would be wasting my time and money. S became very negative and did not want to move.
I knew she was friendly with a Thai / Farang couple ‘R&N’. I spoke to R&N asked for some help as our relationship was not going to well. R&N came over trying to help. S got a bit worried. I explained what had been going on and that S was not being close to me and how she was rude to me on the last tour for a shop. R&N were very helpful and suggested one or two things. S tried to be nice to me but it was all in vain. Something very fishy was going on. We had another row. S was making the home feel very uncomfortable, and I could not put my finger on what was going on. Everything seemed so false; I could see right through her – she was not genuine. She did not want to have a relationship with me at all. She did not love me and she could not even stand the sight of me. She started to sleep downstairs on the couch. This was odd behaviour. She was seeing another Thai woman friend a lot at this moment, ‘T’, who apparently was from the same village as S. I was getting bad vibes man, it was not pleasant. I asked S to leave the home, she left willingly within two hours. T came round in her car and S packed and left. The house felt at peace. I immediately phoned R&N telling them what had just happened. They informed me that S had planned the whole thing from the start. S had been telling everyone (Thai community) that I was a bad man doing bad things (What? I do not know) and that she never loved because I was not a nice person. Her plan was to divorce me when she got her full British passport. This was her plan right from the start. I could have been anybody – she did not care. It took me from 24th of December 2004 to the 28th of July 2006 to find this out. I have never been so duped in all my life, what a charlatan. Well she knew that she was going to be rumbled as R&N eventually were going to inform me and that’s why she left in a hurry.
How did R&N know all this? Well N was S’s best friend and you know how Thai women have secrets, talking to each other in Thai and not letting their husbands know the true story. My wife S had a big mouth and could not keep anything to herself. She had told R&N many months before what her devious scheme was. R&N believed that I was some horrible bloke and thought that it served me right to be turned over, however after meeting R&N they realised that I was on OK chap and realised that they could be perceived as being part of this dastardly plan. R&N had told S on many occasions that her plan was stupid and that she was a stupid girl and that she will not get that much as there are laws in the UK for distributing wealth after a divorce. They also explained that she was getting a good deal from her husband anyway. So what was her problem?
After putting up with all this for about 12 months now knowing that she married me with the intention of divorcing me after two years of marriage has really upset me. I was not 100% in love with S as she kept her distance and would not let the bond develop. But I did like her a lot and could say was 75% in love with her and to know that this was a scam by some stupid person makes me feel very much a fool, and rather sick in my stomach. I feel very hurt and wounded. My heart has taken a serious blow. I also feel very ashamed to have to go through a divorce. Remember I am divorcing my wife which is rare in the UK, only 20% of men divorce their wives in the UK. However the laws of divorce are complex in the UK and I do not know fully what is happening as it takes up to six months.
Also women are much protected here in the UK and my wife has placed a ‘Matrimonial Home Rights’ on my house. This has stopped me from selling or purchasing a business. This has made me very angry as my life has now stopped.
As far as S getting a full British visa, the answer is no way. The British Government has been informed that S has left the matrimonial home and that is a breach of contract for the ‘Spouse's Visa’. She will have to go back to Thailand by July 2007.
The Thai marriage agency told me that if the marriage breaks down then the Thai wife would gladly have a divorce in Thailand and ask for no money, as they are not greedy and good hearted people. What a load of rot.
S's plan was to go for ancillary relief (she expected to get 50% of what I owned which could have been £100,000 + cost). She would also be entitled to a British passport. Once she got the passport she would have gone for a divorce. This woman had absolutely no intention of staying with me and the whole relationship was a hoax. S married me under false pretences. She did not care about hurting my feelings or using me. I can not forgive a person who has done such a nasty spiteful thing.
This is surely the way of the Thai person, only out to cheat and swindle without care or how it would have an effect on other people.
How could I be such a fool?
I would never have anything to do with Thai culture or its people ever again in my life.
The Thai community in the area we live is currently supporting her. This has made me even angrier as they must agree with her attitude. Many husbands of Thai wives in the area I live are also very worried as this could lead to many divorces where the Thai wife could demand child support as well as ancillary relief etc.
One thing I do not fully understand is that S does not seem to like anything that is not Thai so why does she want to stay in the UK? She seems adamant to stay here. She has no UK friends only one or two Thai friends that live in the same town. Also why does she want so much money? She has asked for a very large amount for a settlement which I and my solicitor think is outrageous. R&N have suggested that she owes a lot of money in Thailand and that she can not go back until she pays it off. This I know nothing about. So far my solicitor has had no correspondence form S's solicitor; we find this to be very odd.
I’ll let you all know what the outcome is in six to eight months from now.
This is a very sad story indeed. While I am not blaming you for what happened, where is a list of some of the mistakes
– marrying a woman after knowing her for such a short period – you need to take your time to get to know a woman and two weeks on holiday is just not long enough.
– marrying her before you had ever bonked her – the physical part of a marriage is important, especially in the early years and if things are not good here then everything else is affected.
– believing that she would change – people don't change and you just have to accept them how they are now.
– failing to utilise the services of the marriage agency – their job is to help you with all of these problems.
– choosing the wrong marriage agency – of course you weren't to know but this outfit gave you some very bad advice.