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Fast Eddy And The Femme Fatalle – Part 2

  • Written by Mikey Mike
  • October 20th, 2006
  • 11 min read


By MikeyMike


Norman explained to me that the longer the amount of time that you have to spend in Thailand, the less money that you have to spend.

"Once you get outside of Bangkok things can get really cheap, especially in places like up North. You get incredible discounts when you rent out hotel rooms or furnished apartments on a monthly basis.


Even in Bangkok you save a fortune when you rent out a hotel room for a month. You learn your way around on the public transportation and don't have to pay for taxis. You learn how to eat at those corner noodle stands and you don't have to pay for food in restaurants all of the time. You learn how to negotiate prices and shop for you clothes in Pratunam market and you can stay in-country a long time spending very little money.

Your biggest expense ends up being the poo-ying. These Mates from Down Under lose their minds when they meet the Thai poo-ying!"

"Well why is that Norman?" I inquired.

"They are just not used to being treated like that by a female. In Australia, or in the States, women just do not treat a man the same way that a Thai female treats her man.


The men have never experienced anything like that before and they lose their minds."

Norman showed me how to get back on budget in Pattaya after blowing out a hole in your wallet in Bangkok.


He showed me where to get a good $10 per day room right on beach road at the Charming Inn. It had a small swimming pool and a decent lobby. The rooms had air-conditioning but no television sets and there were safety boxes to lock up your valuables behind the hotel front desk.


The best thing about it was the location right across from the beach. Norman loved to idle away the hot afternoons in Pattaya on the beach. He would engage other tourists in friendly discussions and keep big wide open eyes to see everything going on around him.


Norman would even kick around the soccer ball with the Thais on the beach. Occasionally he would get battered around a bit as there was no referee and the Thais could get quite competitive over a friendly little beach game.

"You see that Sheila over there. Yeah, the overweight foreign one with the dark tan and the dyed hair. Her husband died and left her some money.


She buys herself a Thai boyfriend. She gets him a motorbike and gives him a place to stay and feeds him and gives him money.


As soon as she is out of town for a few days you ought to see the way that Thai guy behaves. There he is lying on the beach with all of his Thai friends.


Look at her though, isn't she a horrible creature? Careful, she is coming this way…"

Norman showed me how to pass away the early evening in Pattaya at Best Friend Bar watching authentic Thai boxing matches. These club fights were vicious and the fighters were fighting for peanuts as far as pay is concerned.

"Do the Thai fighters always win in the matches with the foreign fighters?" I asked.

"Well usually, but one time they sent in this team from Japan that beat the piss out of the Thai fighters. The Japs seemed to be a lot better kickers and won all of their bouts" responded Norman.

Norman also showed me the ropes at the Marine Bar in the latter part of those Pattaya evenings.


"Just remember that they are a tight knit little group in there. Sometimes it is difficult to tell the katoeys from the females. Keep your eyes and ears open and the other katoeys will let you know whether or not the person you are interested in is a katoey or not.


You can save a fortune on bar fines by going to Marine Bar but be careful when you get back to the hotel. Keep all your serious money locked up in the safety box at the front desk.


Lock up the rest of your money in the room and always agree on a price with the Sheila beforehand. It can save you a lot of trouble in the morning.


Well …if they get up in the morning. You see these bar girls love to do nothing and sleep in all day and …"

Meanwhile 60 something year old Fast Eddy on his first excursion ever outside of Oz was turning into quite the man about town with his 30 something year old Thai girlfriend that he met at a shopping mall in Bangkok.


She took him to the beach in Jomtien. She took him to the water park. She took him to the elephant kraa. She took him to the movies. She took him to shoot pool. She took him bowling. She took him to see Buddhist temples Oh did she ever love to take Fast Eddy shopping and shop she did. She would return from the shopping sprees with bags and bags full of goodies all financed of course by Fast Eddy.

One evening Norman, myself, Fast Eddy and his Thai femme fattale were dining in a good Thai restaurant in South Pattaya. The Thai woman excused herself to use the comfort room for a moment and Fast Eddy followed suit.

"Did you see that?", asked Norman.


She has really dug her claws in on him now. Did you see her order the most expensive dinner item on the menu? Did you see her order those expensive bottles of wine and guzzle them down?


She is going to move in for the kill any moment now. I am really worried about poor Eddy."

Fast Eddy returned to the dinner table. He was such an affable chap. He had on a fine set of trousers and a holiday shirt. I was constantly flabbergasted by the enormous size of his schnozola. Those nose hairs growing out of the end of it seemed like they hadn't been trimmed in the past century.


Fast Eddy commenced his dinner lecture. That pronounced accent from Down Under was so heavy it was borderline Cockney from beneath the Towers of London in need of translation to be intelligible to a native speaker of the King's English.

"This Sheila is falling hard for me, mates. It has only been a week and she is talking about marriage all of the time. She knows she's got a good catch in me and I treat her good."

The Thai woman sat down next to Fast Eddy with expensive earrings dangling from her ears and enough gold chains to weigh down a pachyderm draped around her neck.

"These politicians are no damned good in Down Under either mate. They're always thieving. Then they get caught with their hand in the cookie jar and they're skirt chasing after some young Sheila or dodgy with their trousers down looking to bugger some young boy.


That's when the lose the election!" Fast Eddy bellowed rather loudly throughout the restaurant.

The Thai lady meekly smiled and sipped her expensive wine. Fast Eddy carved out a huge chunk of prime beef and scarfed it down whole followed by a hearty swig of ice cold ale.

"Now a good lawyer. A GOOD LAWYER …" he reiterated with an increasing decibel level "is worth a million dollars to a man in trouble!"

Fast Eddy stood poised with another gargantuan piece of prime rib at the end of his fork ready for the fast journey down the esophagus to the stomach. He pointed his knife and fork in my direction demonstratively.


Fast Eddy leaned directly across the table in my direction. He shook that enormous schnazola about a centimeter away from my face and howled at the top of his lungs.

"YOU HAVE TO VISIT DOWN UNDER MATE…YOU HEAR ME…YOU HAVE TO COME VISIT DOWN UNDER"

After we paid the bill and left the dinner establishment Norman and I did not need a prescient view of Fast Eddy's immediate destiny. We could see that big freight train with a huge load of pull labeled TROUBLE rolling down the main with a full head of steam headed right in the direction of Fast Eddy.

The next day Norman did his thing with some gorgeous Thai playboy centerfold type at some Pattaya soapie and I spent a couple of hours at the gym. When I got back to the hotel Norman and Fast Eddy were seated outside by the pool at the Charming Inn.


Fast Eddy was obviously rattled. He was physically shaking and his complexion was so pale that you would think he had encountered Genghis Khans ghost.

"Go ahead Eddy, tell him what happened. Oh you sure know how to pick them Eddy. You sure know how to pick them." said Norman

"Well I was walking through the market with my girl and I was a few steps ahead of her. It was a Thai market and there weren't any other foreigners around…then she hollers at the top of her lungs 'YOU OLD F…K. YOU OWE ME 250,000 BAHT. GIVE ME MY MONEY YOU OLD F…K.'


Then she starts chasing after me through the market and she is hitting me on the back and hitting me on the head. 'YOU OLD BASTARD. GIVE ME MY MONEY. GIVE ME MY MONEY NOW OR I'LL KILL YOU.'


So I get back to the hotel and she comes running in after me screaming at the top of her lungs. She is threatening to call the police and she is hitting me and screaming and crying and carrying on. So I got Norman to help me. What do you think we should have done mate?"

"Tell her to go ahead and call the police." I replied.


"You didn't do anything wrong plus she assaulted you. In the meantime I would have pushed her into the swimming pool, got the tourist police, have hotel security escort her off of the hotel grounds and given her exactly enough money for bus fare back to Bangkok. Then you either switch hotels or get out of town. End of problem.


So what did you do?"

"Well Norm here negotiated her down to 10,000 baht (about $400 US at the time) She takes the money and all of her stuff and she storms off.


Did you hear that Norman? She wanted no part of this Yank. She done this when he wasn't around. He would have thrown her in the pool.


That's it throw her in the pool. That's what she deserved…" said Fast Eddy.

Norman, Fast Eddy and myself eventually returned to Bangkok and stayed at the old Century Hotel at 9 Rajaparop Road, not too far from the Victory Monument. This was when it cost around 30 dollars per day and was run as a quaint provincial residential establishment in the middle of downtown Bangkok. Now I understand that it has been leveled and replaced by a $100 per day plus 5 star hotel.

Fast Eddy came down to visit us in the lobby in the late afternoon.

"Now what is this that I do with these pills again Norman? asked Eddy.

"Eddy you sure know how to pick them. You keep taking them 2 or 3 per day and space them out.


Don't forget to take those pills Eddy. She gave you hot dick. You got to keep taking those pills for 2 weeks to make it go away.


You sure know how to pick them Eddy. On top of all that she goes and gives you hot dick.


What have you been doing all afternoon Eddy?" inquired Norman.

"Well mate, this fine hotel here give me a room overlooking the swimming pool and this woman from India lays down to sunbathe underneath me hotel window. So I looks out and she takes off her bathing suit top and she greases herself up with some sun tan lotion.


Norman she had the most enormous hooters that I have ever seen. I mean these things were absolutely gigantic. They had to be the size of huge melons. I mean really huge melons.


I can't even understand how she could walk around carrying those things Norman…you should have seen them…and right underneath me hotel window in the hot tropical sun.


That was a good room they give me Norman…"

Fast Eddy got his first soapie in Bangkok on that day and enjoyed it enormously. I never saw him again but have been told that he is alive and well and living in the land of Oz.

He sure knew how to pick them.


Stickman's thoughts:

He sounds like a character.