Readers' Submissions

Fast Eddy And The Femme Fatalle Part 1

  • Written by Mikey Mike
  • October 19th, 2006
  • 5 min read


At the time a quick and easy way to get from Bangkok to Pattaya was via a reasonably priced air-conditioned mini-van that picked you up at your hotel in the City Of Angels and dropped you off at your hotel in Gammorah. On one such journey I experienced a chance encounter with a mate from Down Under who went by the name of Norman (real name).

When the minivan arrived at Norman's hotel he was in a state of exacerbated agitation. Oh yeah, some Thai financial duplicity came in the front door and Norman's jai yen went out of the window.

"Don't you understand? It is the principal of the thing. You can't get away with this! It is the principal of the thing!" shouted Norman as he plopped down in the seat next to me with his leather briefcase.

"What is the matter friend?" I inquired.

"The hotel that I just stayed at promised me 7 days for the price of six when I checked in and they just charged me for 7 days when I checked out. They know what they are doing! The same person that promised me the discount charged me the full price when I checked out. It is NOT the money, it is the principal of the thing!"

"How much money are we talking about?" I asked.

"About 500 baht (the equivalent of $20 US at the time)."

"Friend, this is Thailand. I can understand your being upset. The principal of the thing is that it is about the money. They are ripping you off because they can get away with it. Try not to be so upset. By the way what is with the briefcase?"

"Well the briefcase is great if you bring a Sheila back to the hotel room with you because you can lock up your valuables in the bag and then they can't take a pinch when you're drunk or sleeping unless they steal the entire briefcase which they are not likely to do."

"Hey, that's a great idea!"

Just the other day I was really drunk and had a few Thai ladies back in my hotel room with me, a really nice hotel. I woke up in the morning with a terrible hangover. When I counted up the dollars and baht in my wallet the next day it seemed a little light and I couldn't figure how I had managed to spend all that money while out in Bangkok that evening" I replied.

"You see! You see! They got in there while you were sleeping and took a little pinch!" laughed Norman.

"You just can't trust these Thai woman. They're after your money!"

"You got that right!" I responded.

Norman turned out to be quite an interesting fellow. He was ethnically Burmese but presently an Australian national who resided in Manly Beach in Sydney and worked as a merchant marine ships engineer out of Singapore. He did 6 months on (out at sea on a ship all full of Chinese men with occasional stopovers) then 6 months off (with pay). I really liked the 6 months off part. Norman was of the opinion that you really needed a long time off for rest and recreation to get over that half year of hard work.

Norman was a frequent visitor to Thailand and seemed to really know the ropes. Because of his appearance he was frequently mistaken for a Thai. He said that he had not seen his mom or his dad since he left Burma many years ago. His mom was a protestant missionary with some hill tribes in rural Burma. His dad ran a business in some urban community in Burma.

"Those military generals in Burma are stealing so much that they make that Marcos fellow in the Philippines look like an amateur.

You see mate, these ignorant military people send these 16 year olds with guns into your business and then they tell you how to run it. Who do they think that they are?"

Norman's travelling companion was named Eddy. Eddy was riding in the front of the bus with a 30 something year old Thai lady.

Eddy was in his 60's and it was his first trip outside of the land of Oz. He sported an extraordinarily large schnazola and bore a remarkable resemblance to Jimmy Durante. He spoke English with one of the heaviest Australian accents I had ever heard.

"Oh I am so worried about Eddy, mate" said Norman.

"He met that Sheila in a shopping mall and she took up with him. I know that she is just working him for his money. I am holding his money for him for his own protection.

He has only known her for 48 hours and I can see her digging her claws into him already. You wait and see. You just watch."

Eddy approached Norman and me at the back of the bus.

"Norman you have got to give me my money. My girlfriend says that you are treating me like a little kid by holding my money for me. I am an adult and I am old enough to hold my own money, Norman. Let me have my money!" snorted Eddy with his hand extended.

"Eddy, I am telling you…you have plenty of money on you already. Your money is perfectly safe with me. I am going to keep holding your money Eddy for your own good. I am your best friend and I am not going to let you lose all of your money.

Eddy, that woman is going take all of your money from you if I give it you. You hardly even know her." said Norman.

"Well she is talking about getting married to me and she says that I should be in charge of my own money when I am in Thailand" said Eddy.

"Eddy, you sure know how to pick them. Go back up to the front of the bus and don't worry about your money" stated Norman.

Eddy nodded in agreement and went back up to the front of the bus and took a seat next to his Thai lady companion. The Thai lady exchanged a few words with Eddy and looked towards the back of the bus with a facial sneer directed at Norman and me.

"Hey, your friend Eddy works pretty fast" I joked with Norman.

"He is working that Thai lady so fast we should call him 'Fast Eddy' "

"That is a good one!" laughed Norman. "Fast Eddy"

"Hey, could you please help me out with this one? asked Norman as the minivan pulled into Pattaya.

2 B Continued

Stickman's thoughts:

The author has sent part 2 in already and it will be run tomorrow so I let this go…