Readers' Submissions

Fair Shake Jake’s Relationship Guide



Aloha from the Big island of Hawaii. Jake Deadman here to share with you all my pearls of wisdom as pertaining to You! That's right Stickmates…You! I have read these submissions with great amusement. "I know I just met her but I'm sure that it is love". "She had a smile that would just melt your heart". And my all time favorite…"She pees honey".

Now Stickies, get a grip on yourself. You've read the stories. Time and time again it is clearly stated in these pages…STAY AWAY FROM BARGIRLS! No exceptions, notta, zip. What is it that you can't understand? If you are 20 years her senior and about 50 kg heavier, you look ridiculous! I'm sorry, you do. If it's just a physical, 'why own when you can rent', go for it. It takes all the footwork out of dating a regular girl, Thai or Farang. A lot cheaper too. However, that does leave us with one small category here. What about the visitor to the land of smiles that is truly looking for a marriage minded, stable, emotionally mature and beautiful Thai mate? Well, Stickies, Jake is here with the answers. Lucky you.

A brief qualification on old Jake's part. I have been traveling to Thighland for 5 years now, 3 times a year for at least 2 weeks at a time and occasionally as long as 6 weeks. I speak enough Thai to order food, take transportation and count change. The minimal basics. My very first trip was a typical one. A real eye opener for the Jakester. I was amazed, anxious and afraid all at the same time. Women would catch my eye as they would glance at me just long enough to let me know that they were available. Of course this was all down on Sukumvit and I would estimate 25% of the girls between 20 and 30 supplement their income by means of evening activities if you catch my drift.

A friend who lives in Thailand took me to the usual place my first night. Nana, and Soi Cowboy. The air felt like it was full of electricity. They were everywhere and most beautiful. I have never been able to re-create that feeling, so I hold it dear to my heart still these days. I was way too shy to "order out" of the bars, so my friend had to baby sit me for some time. Finally in a bar at Soi Cowboy, I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Sound familiar guys? I paid the bar fine and off to my hotel we went. We played hide the salami for an hour or so and it was very clear she wanted it to end ASAP. The usual quotes from her to try to get me going. "Oh, you so big". "I want you cum". It was a turn off for me and I could see immediately that although she had a 'smokin' body, there was little in the way of sensuality and so it allowed me to ponder my involvement in such activities for the future. I said ponder, not curtail!

I had met a female friend in chat, Dim, prior to coming my first time. She had been very clear that there was to be no hanky-panky during the time we were to spend together. I heard the words but had hopes anyways. Along with 2 other Thai girls and a French dude from the UE, we traveled south for 5 days. It was in April and the temperature was stifling! I had a great time and learned a little of the Thai culture from Dim. She had explained to me that Thais do not believe in love at first sight. They look at a mate as a good provider and a stable person. Meaning, are they going to stick around. A big problem in Thai marriages. Farang marriages too for that matter but for different reasons I think. She told me that if love happened later in the relationship, it was a benefit but not a necessity. I thought about this and felt it was totally opposite of what I had always been taught. Mostly through TV and movies. In America we often try to play out our lives with what we view as reality with media. She also told me that marriage is more of an arrangement. She stated that it was ok for the husband to sleep around if that was the arrangement prior to the marriage. She told me that she had once been a 'minor wife' to a married Thai. Dim did introduce me to her parents in the south and I really wanted nothing to do with it. They hinted to her that she should marry me so I could pay them 2 million baht! See ya!

Well, the trip with Dim ended and left me with a few days in BKK prior to flying home. I tried the bar girl scene again only to get the sick mother story and I need dental work. Geez, do they ever have an original story? Did I mention STAY AWAY FROM BAR GIRLS? Well at least if you want a serious relationship. During my last 2 days I had met a young (21 years) girl, Aoy, in an Internet cafe. She was cute and a little tom boyish. Not exactly my type but we got along well. Every trip back to toyland, Aoy and I would co-habitate. Although the social exchange was by far better than that of a bar girl, there was just too much age difference for me. 28 years difference. I struggled with it on all levels. Our interests were not the same, I felt out of place when we did anything in public. I hated feeling that I was viewed as a sex-tourist with a young girl even though we were actually girlfriend / boyfriend at that time and for 3 years to follow. It came down to her wanting to come to Hawaii and finally I ended the relationship.

I sat at home wondering what to do. I wanted a relationship. I wanted to be married again. I had been married 2 times prior. Both US born. I knew I wanted a traditionally Thai cultured woman. I knew she had to be within a certain age variance of myself and I definitely knew I did not want a bar girl. Have I told you yet…STAY AWAY FROM BAR GIRLS! Think of it this way…You do not go to a wrecking yard looking for a brand new Cadillac. Get it? Got it? Good!

So Jake's come up with a sure fire method of approaching the basics if and when you decide to look for the Thai girl of your dreams. Please pay attention, there will be a quiz at the end of the submission. First, there is a point system. That's right, a point system. Basically you assign yourself points based on looks, age difference, social standing, etc. Of you and your future girl. Here is the list for you:-

Hair:- Totally bald 5 points, Partially bald 3 points, Full head of hair 1 point

Weight:- Can't see your toes 5 points, A few kg over 3 points, In shape 1 point

Social:- Lives with Mom 10 points, You rent 5 points, Own a home 1 point.

Employment:-Earns under E20,000 5 points, under E30,000 3 points, over E30,000 1 point

Now, lets look at her and by the way…STAY AWAY FROM BAR GIRLS! Body type:- Nasty c-section job or any other body defects, (this includes any missing parts, fingers, teeth etc.) 5 points., Nice body with limited mileage, 3 points. Drop dead gorgeous, 1 point. Ability to speak English: None 5 points, nid noi 3 points, Can read Thai Fever in English 1 point

Handling of money:- Asks for a new mobile phone once a week 5 points, you give her a 500 baht note to buy water but she never gives you change 3 baht, She pays taxi fare once a month 1 point Storyline:- "There is only you in my life", yet her mobile phone rings every 5 minutes which prompts her to leave the room 5 points, You ask her about prior relationships and suddenly her English is terrible 3 points, Takes you to meet her family 1 point

Now, points based on the 2 of you.

15 years+ difference in age 5 points, 10 to 15 years 3 points, 0 to 10 years 1 point.

Now I know some of you at this point are saying…"Wow, Jake, you're a genius". So let me show you how all this tallies up and what odds each tally can have on your success of a Thai / Farang relationship. You want the points to be in your favor. If the points are drastically against you and she tells you how much she loves you and wants to spend an eternity with you, probably a good time to check your wallet into the hotel safe. Let's take an extreme example here. Your new teerak, let's name her Mam, is 25 with raven black hair. Her body is to die for and you would swear that she pees honey. Give her 1 point. Her English is good, not great, so 3 points.

Takes you to meet Mama and no one asks you for money, 1 point. Finally, she turns down any offer by you to buy her clothing at MBK plaza, 1 point. This gives her a low score of 6 points. Remember low is good. At least for the individual.

Now lets say Freddie Farang, who is 48 years old has an average height but has stretch marks on his stomach. The last lime he saw his shoes is when his mother dressed him at the age of 8. Give him 5 points. Let's say, he has all his teeth but only ? Of his hair, 3 points. Now although Freddie does not live with Mom, he rents a flat in the neon light district of town, 5 points. Finally, after 15 years of working at 7/11, Freddie has been passed over for advancement 10 times, 5 points. Freddie has a total of 18 points. Not looking so good for you buddie.

Looking at the age difference we see together the fall into a 5 point category. So, here is the tally. Freddie=18 Mam =6 Difference of 12 Add differential add 5 This equals 17

Let's take a more moderate approach shall we? Our Farang is 41 and our Thai delight is 32 that gives you 1 point.

He is average height and weight, not as fit as he would like but nothing noticeable, maybe 3 points. He has all his hair and it hasn't even started to grey yet, 1 point. He is a successful software guy, knows how to save money and has recently purchase a little flat not too close to his parents, 1 point for social and 1 point for employment. A total of 6 points.

She speaks ok English and carries around a translation dictionary in hopes to advance her communication skills, 3 points. At 32, she thinks her life is over but in reality, she is trim with those squared off Asian shoulders and still has the energy of a 20 year old, 1 point. She buys Thai food off the street and hand feeds you in order to laugh at your reaction to the spicy food, 1 point (she did buy it). Finally, she confides in you and tells you that she had an Italian boyfriend last year but it is over now and offers you to meet the family, 1 point. A total of 6 also.

Since the age difference is not too great, 1 point.

Him 6 Her- 6 =0

Now add 1 point for the age and you are left with 1.

To summarize, (yes Jake, please do), let's say the scale runs from 1 to 20. If it was 15 to 20 points, there might be little chance of the relationship working out. At 10 to15 points, you would always be in a struggle. Remember Aoy? That's where our score was. 5 to 10 points, it's very doable with a little effort put in by the 2 of you. Of course, 1 to 5 points, you are in Jakester bliss.

Well folks, that's the Jake test for a successful relationship. I have been seeing a wonderful 45 year old Thai woman from Phetchabun. Our score believe it or not is 1. We are like 2 peas in a pod.

Now I know this is going to change the face of Stick's submissions. No more whining about the bar girl that have 7 boyfriends or the girl that just cleaned out your bank account. Lets reiterate one more time shall we?…STAY AWAY FROM BAR GIRLS!

No matter how you dress, how you talk, or what you attempt to get the rest of us to believe in these submissions, bar girls offer a service for money…period. It doesn't matter that she has done it for only 2 months. It was the thinking that preceded the decision to become a bar girl in the first place. That thinking is what you would end up marrying. Aoy once told me that she could do it too if she wanted but felt the girls that did it were just lazy. Aoy had self-educated herself since she was 13. Save a few baht and would attended small schools. Although she did not earn much money, she supported herself and walked with her head high. The poor farm girl that has no choice just did not wash with her.

In closing, I would like to wish all the true romantics luck that read this site and hope to some day wake up beside your one true soul mate. I love it when I come to Thailand now and I get up in the morning to find the toothpaste on my toothbrush waiting for me and my dirty laundry packed neatly away in a bag. Then a smile, a kiss and a "up to you" from my Thai Princess…

Aloha, Jake Deadman

Stickman's thoughts:

What's the bet the tales of woe about guys who got involved with bargirls continue, despite your advice.