Against Knowledge & Better Judgement, A Broken Dream
This FR is based on a late-night excursion in January, 2006.
You know the story… Bargirl girlfriend – the dream, fantasy or lust that you had comes crashing down around you. Heard it a million times I bet, me too. Only this time I'm involved and it’s different!
Facing Up to Myself
I was in lust with Lee; I have been in lust a million times over and over. Not just in Thailand. I do it in the UK, Spain, Malaysia, Cyprus, everywhere I go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no sap or mug for the ladies. I am the player – I play the game – show me something I can't have and I'll take it! My friends tell me I live for the chase. I am beginning to realise they are right. As soon as I get what I want, I lose interest. This time it was different – a different challenge.
She was the short time bar girl that couldn’t give a hoot about anyone other than her dream before I met her! See, maybe I am clinically sick, because to start with I believe in this lust and desire – oh, do I believe! I try and convince myself and everyone else around me too. My friends have heard it a thousand times and they laugh when I say it. “No, no, n o I honestly really like this one”. I think my own mother has given up hope of me ever sticking with one girl. She says she could write her own book on the excuses I have given for ditching girlfriends. When its all over I realise I have done it again, played with and broken someone’s heart! I don’t mean to do it intentionally, like I said, maybe I am clinically sick!
I just have to admit to myself that I am a pussy chaser and learn from this.
No, she never went with anyone else (not that I know of – who can ever be sure?), she never asked me for an exorbitant amount of money, none of the usual tales to listen to here. Something slightly different. I spend 4 weeks away at work at a time and this young woman had done absolutely everything possible to keep me happy. Telephone was answered at all times – no matter what time, day or location. So why was I so desperate when I got home to go with someone else..? Nature was calling – I had been with her faithfully for 5 months! It just starts to get the better of me. I never cheated on her but I was certainly thinking about it and she knew it! She gave me the green light to see how I would react. She said I could go with other girls but I must:
1. Wear a condom at all times.
2. Not dine downstairs.
3. Not tell her about it.
She even offered to take me on the scooter and drop me off down a short time street but I declined that offer. I love my penis and I didn’t fancy having it chopped off! She had also slapped me once because a woman was dancing beside me, not with me! I could see where that would lead.
What I had set out to accomplish had been completed and I lost interest. It was hurting me inside. Where had all this feelings of lust, desire and want that I craved gone to? They were replaced with boredom, resentment and ill feeling. This poor woman has done nothing but succumb to my every desire over this 5 month period and now I’m bored!
What a so and so I can be – but I can't be mad at myself, can I?
I play the game hard. One of the first things she ever said to me was to slow down and that she never wanted a boyfriend. She had her plan, her vision and goals. I hadn’t destroyed any of these, but I had changed them with my sweet mouth. I’m sure some people won't believe me, but to be honest that doesn’t bother me. I can talk my way into a woman’s heart. I can talk my way into a woman’s head and easiest of al, I can get myself in to a lady’s bed! Sure when you're paying for it in Thailand it's easy for everyone, but like I did stop paying and see whose bed she sleeps in! Tell her you slept with someone else and in the same breath ask her to get into bed. That’s not easy!
What really hurts is telling her its over, asking her to shift out of your 157 square metre, 2 bedroomed apartment back in to a tiny room with nothing in it. I’m not embarrassed to say I cried a couple of days after she had moved out. I went round to check on her, to see if she had gone back to the bar. It would have been easier for me if she had! The poor woman was in this squaller of a room cleaning ferociously and smiled so deeply when she saw me at the door that it melted my heart. It brought me tears aAs I thought of all the promises I had made her, all the dreams I had given her and seen the position I had now put her in. She asked me to reconsider and I did for a day. I wanted to waken those feelings of lust or love or whatever momentary feeling I had with her previously. I liked it, I wanted it back, but at the same time there was the feeling of all that I was missing out on. The boys are planning a trip to the Philippines soon and I ain’t missing that! See there’s me again caught between what could be and what should be.
What I can and can't do. I can go with as many ladies as I like – that’s the easy option! Stick with one that deserves to be loved and be faithful. That takes a real man! Will I ever become that person? I hope so!
I can't continue to build people up and break them down like this. It's horrible. No matter how many times I do it, they always end up being friends with me and I don’t deserve there niceties. The should see me for what I am.
I am sure this sort of lifestyle would get boring fairly quickly….