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A Funny Thing Happened On My Way To A Threesome



I rarely get away to the Land of Smiles. And when I do, I have very limited time for the nightlife, so I try to make the most of it. On this particular trip, I only had one night to play in Bangkok. Time was of the essence.

Let me digress somewhat before I get to my “One Night in Bangkok,” to set the stage, so to speak.

A few days earlier, I was idling away the sunlight hours in Jomtien conversing online to my one and only Asian instant-messaging friend, Joana.

Joana lived for a while in the United States with her parents, but moved back to this Asian country when her parents retired there. She owns two shops there, and frequently travels to Thailand to purchase merchandise for her stores. What is intriguing to me is that she has quite a fascination with the Stickman website and the nightlight of Thailand.

The way we first became acquainted is when she wrote to me concerning my article concerning the “girlfriend effect” saga I had with Taeng Mo. Joana, it seems, is intrigued by the farang/bargirl dynamic and was anxious to hear about the explicit details about not only Taeng Mo but my other limited adventures to the Land of Smiles.

Emails turned to instant messaging, and a rather steady chatting relationship was established.

Mind you, there was never once any cyber sex in this relationship, but that doesn’t mean things at least on my end didn’t get a bit – how shall I say – heated. Genuine Q & A sessions surrounding the sexual nature of the universe would occasionally come into play, with explicit answers given as to the predispositions, needs and desires given from the other gender’s point of view. Very enlightening at times. Shocking at others. At times, I was stunned into silence. (Have I led that sheltered of a life?)

Yes, I know…IM relationships are a dime a dozen, usually never lead anywhere, quite meaningless. But in this particular instance, this cyber relationship led to quite an adventure.

Getting back to the story, we were “IM’ing” away and the following dialog transpired:

Joana: You love me, don’t you?
Me: (Surprised – we had never used the “L” word before.) Sure…
Joana: Then I want you to do something for me.
Me: (Pause.) (Very curious.) Sure.
Joana: I want you to have a threesome.

And that’s how it all started. I wasn’t really that interested in having a threesome. I know that may sound dumb, but hear me out. I am your typical used and abused farang who just thinks he has died and gone to heaven every time he is in LOS. Wouldn’t it be tempting the fates to ask for even more?

I was planning to save the “threesome” for that time far in the future where the newness of spending the night and snuggling with a beautiful young Thai woman became “old hat.” I figured in about 33 and a half years, give or take.

Joana was fairly specific in what she expected of me. I told her I was a little bit freaked out by the idea, so maybe knowing at least one of the girls from a previous occasion would help me ease into the transition. Joana told me this was strictly forbidden. It had to be a totally new experience. It was not to be with any of the girls I had previously encountered.

So all of these ideas are clicking around in my mind. It might have happened in Pattaya, but fate had it that, by golly, Taeng Mo was actually there when I walked by her bar late that night. My fate was sealed for the rest of my stay in Pattaya. She pouted quite a bit when she found out I would only be there another two nights. But like I say, that’s another story. Which, as happenstance has it, I have already written and submitted to Stickman. Somehow this current submission got put on the back shelf.

After Pattaya, duty called and I met up with my stateside companion to visit family, swat mosquitoes and rejoice with the wonders of squat toilets.

And then I was free for one night, one night alone in the Big Mango – Bangkok. The lights, the smells, the traffic, the slum we all love along Sukhumvit Blvd. – Nana Plaza!

Now, remember, I am still a rookie at heart. I make rookie mistakes. Go to one bar (Pretty Girls??) where the girls wear short miniskirts but no panties, with a mirrored bar counter. That is always special. Lady drinks and tips. Move to the next bar. Lady drinks and tips. Finally I end up at I believe Rainbow II (??) on the ground floor. Major hot, beautiful women. Amazing.

I kind of lost track on fiscal responsibility. At Rainbow, before I knew it, I was buying lady drinks for three ladies and started negotiating for all three ladies coming back to the hotel with me long time.

Me: How much for all three of you?
Her: 2,000 baht each.
Me: How about special price, 5,000 baht for three lady?
Her: (Very confused look) But that’s not 2,000 baht per lady.

Her look of confusion was real. How the heck could you possibly divide 5,000 by three? Somewhere in there you would have to divide that last baht three ways. She was right…that was waaaaay too confusing.

I finally calmed down just a bit and decided on just two.

Since I planned on this being such a special night, I was thinking to myself, why not try Viagra for the first time? The gay male attendant offered to get a tablet for 300 baht. No problem. When he came back, he told me he made a mistake, it was 460 baht. And by the way, can I have a tip for the doorman for blah-blah-blah reason. I knew I was getting ripped off, but I was in mai pen rai mode. It was my fault for giving him a 500-baht note when he said 300 baht. I didn’t want to make waves. So, bang, there I am with the blue pill in my hand for the first time.

I remembered my friend saying, being in my 40’s and fairly healthy, I could probably get away with half a pill. So I popped half the pill to see what happened.

Now, how much of an effect it had in the arousal department, I couldn’t be sure, since I was already motivated by the sights and sounds around me, but I did notice a very definitive feeling of being flush and warm in the face. I have no idea if that is a common effect.

The girl sitting to my right, in my mind, became the “lead” girl. Let’s call her Ann. The girl sitting to my left wound up not leaving the bar with us, and the girl sitting waaaaaaay far away on the other side of her, even further to my left, well, that’s notorious Lady B. Why not personalize it and call her Bee.

Why am I going on and on about seating arrangements? This is where rookie mistake one was. Attitude, generally speaking, is important. Sanuk is a large part of the package, along with the actual sex. And since Bee was sitting soooo far away from me, separated from me by one of the other girls, I didn’t truly get to appreciate the depth of her personality before we left the bar.

As soon as we walked out of the bar, Ann walked next to me holding my hand, very chipper, and Bee walked – where??? Bee started walking on the other side of Ann, with Ann walking in the middle between us. Already I was thinking, What the f***? Didn’t I just pay 600-baht bar fine (multiplied by two) and agree to pay 2,000 baht per girl for the night? Wasn’t I supposed to be the middle of all the attention?

But I went into my karmic recitation of mae pen rai. It’s all good, and why should I sweat the little things when I was going to get these two nubile young women naked in just a matter of minutes?

Then another thing dawned on me. It appeared these girls barely knew each other. They were talking to each other as if just introducing themselves. Would they really feel comfortable having a threesome together?? Ah, not important. Mai pen rai.

Walking toward Sukhumvit, I mentioned possibly taking the skytrain back to the hotel, since the lobby of the Asia Hotel is directly in front of the station. Bee gives me a look of utter disbelief, rolls her eyes, and suggests a taxi instead. Actually, in hindsight, it made sense. It was much faster and just as cheap. But I didn’t appreciate the gestures. So we hopped in a taxi and headed toward my hotel. Bee seemed somewhat disinterested and basically had no interaction with me. No smiles. I wasn’t very happy about that. To me, I was looking for a night of fun…not just a slam, bam, thank you, ma’ams.

But I was trying to keep my mai pen rai attitude and figured Ann would take the lead, and she was quite pleasant and attentive.

Bee mentions she is hungry and wanted to go eat. Well, maybe it was the Viagra, but I was quite anxious to get back to the room and let the fun begin. I was already envisioning the three of us in the shower together. I was a bit annoyed by that, as the only place I knew to go eat at this late hour was at the hotel itself, overpriced as s***. Ah, well, 1,000 more baht is going to be added to the tab. Mai pen rai.

Bee also mentions she wants to go dancing.

“No. No dancing. Hotel. Eat. Room. Boom-boom.” Not exactly verbatim. But something to that effect. The last thing on earth I wanted was to go dancing. Duty called. Bee gave me a look as though I was being a bit abrupt in my comments. Uh, yeah, probably so.

Okay. Deep breath. Mai pen rai. We can eat within an hour. We go to the hotel’s restaurant. I am not hungry…they order a miniscule amount of food for a total of 800 baht. Life in the fast lane. No worries.

I am not a big drinker, and since I already had a few beers scouting the different bars, I order a Coke. And guess what? Bee again gives me “the look” like I was a complete idiot and rolled her eyes.

I was beginning to get pissed off.

I was trying to figure out what was going on. The heat I felt earlier from – what? – seemed to increase. And the agitation. Was this girl “that” out of line or was the Viagra having an overly aggressive effect on my behavior? I couldn’t figure it out.

I sat in my chair very calmly analyzing my emotions. There was this intense, yet subdued anger, not quite rage. Yes, Bee was a bit “nonchalant” about my “very special night.” Though I felt the anger, I was trying to quietly analyze where it was coming from: the Viagara? or Bee?

There was a piano player in the restaurant…fat, happy and gay. I went up and asked him to play a Christmas song. And guess what? Bee gave a look of total shock that I would request Christmas music… Well, since it was a few days from Christmas, I didn’t see it was that out of line.

Even though I was getting a bit “exasperated,” I took a deep breath and stayed calm. I started thinking of how the dynamics of the “relationship” would work out. I still was very happy with Ann’s presence. I am sure Bee could play some role, and if she didn’t smile while I banged her, well, would my happy little world come crashing to a halt? Hmmm.

I started a discussion with the girls that what I was looking for was a good time…that sanuk was just as important to me as the sex. I told them if they were happy, I was happy. The second girl just gave me a blank look.

Bee again starts talking about going dancing. That’s the last thing I had in mind. My mind was blinking in red neon – hotel room, hotel room, hotel room.

Somewhere in the mix of conversation, the Maginot line was crossed. I was angry. But mind you, very quietly angry. Angry with a smile on my face. This was my night, and Bee was f***ing with the quality time I had been so looking forward to.

Directing the conversation to Bee: See the piano player? I think he knows what sanuk is and you don’t. I would rather go to bed with the piano player than you.

Now, the piano player, he was so epically gay. He exuded gayness. And on top of that, he was happy. He was just this big, fat, happy gay piano player. So I go up and invited the piano player to my room. He gave me a big, fat, happy grin. I was just joking, and that might seem a bizarre thing to do, but I saw some humor in it at the time. I was reaching a critical point that I couldn’t back away from. I knew where this was going.

Now, I am an easy going guy — you may not believe me after reading the next few paragraphs — but at this stage I had decided I was not going to spend the night with Bee. I smiled as big as I could and said to Bee: Do you know what “bugger off” means? No response.

I wasn’t through yet. I was waiting for a reaction.

Do you know what “piss off” means?

Ann, the cute young thing who had not been causing any issues, practically jumped out of her chair.

I tipped the piano player well, paid the bill and walked out of the restaurant. Instead of walking toward the elevators, I walked them to the front door, explaining to Ann that her friend had a piss-poor attitude and the date was off. In hindsight, I should have just sent the one girl away, because I really liked Ann.

As I walked out the front door, Ann apologized, said she was sorry, and I slipped her 1,000 baht for her trouble. I probably shouldn’t have given anybody anything, but the last thing I wanted was a scene in the lobby of the hotel. Wasn’t sure what the “cancellation policy” is.

Now it was getting late, the Viagra I am sure had kicked in, and mind you, I ONLY HAD ONE NIGHT IN BANGKOK!!!! So I started from scratch. And it was late.

I actually went back to Rainbow II, and if I saw Ann again, I would have again taken her back to the hotel. But she was nowhere to be seen.

There was, however, a girl on the stage who had this casual eye contact with me through a number of songs, and I panicked when I couldn’t find her after she left the stage. I finally found her sitting at the bar alone and quickly made arrangements. She wanted 4,000 baht…settled for 3,000 baht. Yes, I know, I know. 1,000 baht more than the norm, but the clock was ticking.

I paid my third bar fine for the evening, went back to the hotel, where the evil capitalists charged basically the “fourth” bar fine to get her up to the room. Grrrrrr.

A shower, a bath, a beautiful Thai girl for the evening, and my life was complete. I failed on my mission, but I didn’t fail on a great evening. Oh, yes. Her name was Pree. She was beautiful and sweet. I will stop there. Sigh.

And I have one JPEG of her I am willing to share if anyone is interested.


If I may segue for just a moment to discuss how much an unprepared farang can blow in a single evening in the land of “cheap sex.” After figuring up all my costs for the evening, I wound up spending at least $250. It’s hard to be exact, with all the lady drinks, tips, and a few brewskies. It all blurs together.

600 baht times four for barfines,
including the hotel: 2,400
tip to Ann: 1,000
for Pree’s time: 3,000
dinner: 800
taxis/skytrain: 200
viagra 500
piano player 100
drinks/tips/lady drinks Rainbow 900 ??
drinks/tips/lady drinks other 600 ??
Total, give or take a few thousand baht: 9,500

If I am ever to live in the Land of Smiles, a little bit of fiscal responsibility hopefully will kick in.

Sorry to get distracted. Let me get back on track. Now, after is all said and done, I was looking for the right theme to tie the story together. Something to the effect of: You may be looking for a threesome, but just banging a single hot Thai girl can also rock your world.

Hmmm. That doesn’t quite have the ring I was looking for.

Another direction I was thinking of was to have flashbacks to my earlier life, and how totally f***ed up it was in certain areas, which I feel has caused me to be sooo appreciative of the “spiritual purity” of being with beautiful Thai women. I could share flashbacks to my oppressed dealings with the Jehovah’s Witnesses cult, being interrogated in the star chamber by the elders, repeatedly being questioned on my conduct with another young “sister” in the congregation: Yes, BUT WAS THERE PENETRATION? WAS THERE PENTRATION??

(For some reason, I didn’t feel like divulging that information.)

Naah. No need to dwell on such nonsense.

There was the “sanuk” versus pure unadulterated sex angle. No. I think I have done that already. I really need to move on.

Ah…here is a nice little ending I had drawn up:

One day I may get to the threesome experience, but I am in no hurry. Life is good. As my spiritual advisor always says, and may all of you find it on your own personal path: Peace, love…and harmony.

That’s a very positive ending. Not too bad.

So while trying to figure out the perfect ending to my story, the months clicked by and I never quite finished this report. My next semi-annual trip was approaching.

Correspondence continued with Joana through these intervening months. And shortly before I was to leave for Thailand, I received startling news: Joana was going to rearrange her schedule to fly to the Land of Smiles so we could “possibly” meet up for coffee.

In the back of my mind, (actually, in the front, middle and back part of my mind) I had this very entertaining and enduring little fantasy: What a freaking great ending to my story it would be if I wound up having my first threesome with Joana.

(I forgot to mention the beautiful pictures I had been drooling over for the past year of Joana in her bikini at Boracay…and how wonderfully endowed she is…)

My inner critic pondered this scenario. Yes, yes…that would be a much better ending…

That being said, I must make one correction to this submission. When I started writing this, I mentioned I had never met Joana. That’s no longer the case. Which reminds me: One day in the very near future, I really need to tell you about a funny little thing that happened on the way to having a threesome…

To be continued…

Okay. I won’t keep you in suspense. Let me keep this ball rolling.

Joana informed me of her plans to go to Bangkok and meet up for coffee, and see if possibly, possibly she felt comfortable enough to come see Pattaya with me. (She would get her own hotel room, of course.) She had read so much about Pattaya and really wanted to experience it.

She then contacted me and was quite distraught. Upon telling her farang boyfriend, who works in Japan, (not where Joana lives), about her next planned trip to LOS, he surprised her by saying: Guess what? Looks like I can meet up with you in Bangkok.

She then told her boyfriend about possibly wanting to meet me for coffee and he freaked. Arguments ensued.

Joana then asked me if it would be okay for the three of us to get together for coffee. I said, well, that is kind of different, but I eventually agreed that whatever happened — happened.

And no, no, no, no…we did not end up having a threesome together! I just didn’t want anybody getting the wrong idea here!

Fast forward to Thailand. I am spending quality time near the end of my trip in Jomtien when I get an email from her saying she is in Bangkok and ready to meet for coffee.

I was quite surprised, because I assumed Joana and her boyfriend had better things to do.

She informed me her boyfriend did not come after all. I was finally able to reach her by phone and told her I would jump in a cab immediately and head to Bangkok.

I took the cab to the Amari Watergate, and I was quite intimidated by the surroundings. It was very upscale and wondered why Joana was slumming with the likes of me. I looked at the small backpack I was carrying with all of the frayed pieces of thread and felt a bit self-conscious. Uh, it had sentimental value. That’s it. I had taken that backpack on many memorable outdoor adventures in the past! Yes, yes…that sounded good…and it was even true!

She finally met me in the lobby, and explained she was actually staying around the corner at more reasonable accommodations, and that I had misheard that her hotel was “at” rather than “by” the Amari Watergate. I actually relaxed a little bit after that.

We decided to have coffee right there at the coffee shop at the front of the Amari, which was very nice…and quiet…compared to the pandemonium across the way at Panthip Plaza.

She was just as beautiful as the pictures I had seen, which is impressive, as everyone knows how deceptive pictures can be. She was friendly, yet reserved, and I was thinking: Yep, this is definitely just coffee, so just enjoy yourself and her company for the next 30 minutes or so.

I have little memory of what we talked about, but at the end of it all she goes: Okay. Ready to take me to Pattaya? I was totally shocked.

She told me later she too was convinced it was just going to be coffee.

She goes back to her hotel so she can pack a few things. She makes it clear she is getting her own separate room. No problem. It’s cool. We have been friends, via instant messaging for a long time, and that’s how I was going to approach the situation, friends.

So we grab a taxi right before dark to head back to Jomtien/Pattaya. I am doing my best to keep pure thoughts and somehow Joana works into the conversation: I want to watch you have sex with another woman.

Now, in all honesty, this subject might have been broached before, as we had discussed all kinds of things, but I just put it in the “fanciful talk” category. But here she was, in flesh and blood, and telling me her “fantasies.”

So that, needless to say, gets the ball rolling.

Now, that having been said, you have to remember, I had not held her hand. I had not kissed her. I knew her from a year’s worth of conversation, but we had just met. So it was this strange mixture of “knowing” and “not knowing” this person. This was different than any other experience I had ever had, so I was having a difficult time “profiling” the situation.

As she reminded me, I was quite excited by this prospect, but I wanted to tell her what I had in mind. It wound up that what she envisioned and what I envisioned were two different things, so we actually got into “negotiation mode” going back and forth on who was going to do what and with whom.

Now, that may seem strange, but in a way we were having fun planning and talking about the event, but the other part of it truly became a negotiation. I can’t think of another word to describe it.

Of course, I wanted a full-blown threesome, and any nuances of what she felt comfortable with (or didn’t) would have been fine by me. But her idea was exactly what she said: I want to watch you having sex with another woman.

Hmmmm. That’s a bit different when you really think about it. She explained if it was up to her, she would actually like to be out on the patio, or at least off the bed viewing from a different part of the room, with her having no physical contact whatsoever during the event.

I was quite emphatic on the point that I wanted her in some form or fashion to be involved, even if it was just on the bed touching some part of my body, to be a part of the experience. At the very least, for her to take off her clothes, or at least her top, so she would visually be part of the experience.

We went back and forth, and I must say, Joana held her own. We made it to Jomtien and never reached an ultimate resolution.

We drove to Jomtien and I checked her into a hotel that I felt she would be comfortable in. I went to my condo briefly to straighten things up and went back to pick Joana up. We then had a nice dinner on Walking Street on the pier and then starting club hopping to look for our partner.

We had quite a bit of difficulty picking out the right girl. We discussed later why I had certain predilections, but we wound up with a girl that we chose jointly but I would not have chosen by myself. We chose her because she seemed to have lots of energy, but once I got to talking to her I just got the impression she was a “true professional.” I usually go for the girls that seem to have at least a “touch” of innocence left in them. Otherwise, as I told Joana later, I could just go with hookers in my own country, which I am not interested in. I won’t go on and on, but I like to think of Thai girls I meet in Pattaya as “rice farmers that are trying to help out their parents.” Yes, yes, I know, a bit of selective mental processing, but it makes me happy.

In fact, after we paid the bar fine, we almost decided to get another girl, but I was thinking my hesitations were just mental, because the situation was quite bizarre.

Joana later told me she felt like pulling me over to the side and backing out on the way to my condo, but she never got the opportunity. She was both reticent and adventurous at the same time.

We get back to my condo and the gogo girl and I jump into the shower. She is quite playful and flirtatious, but she just wasn’t my type. Too “professional.” But it’s all good, clean fun.

I come out with a towel wrapped around my waist and sit up on the bed, my back up against the backboard, and it takes no time at all for Miss Gogo (let’s call her Dee) strips off her clothes and is jumping all over the top of me.

All this time, Joana is sitting over by the window taking it all in. I tell Dee to hold on a second, as she is all hands, grabbing underneath my towel and my precious commodities.

I tell Joana: Come on, you need to at least take your top off so you are a part of the experience.

Joana became suddenly shy and encouraged us to go on without her and there was a bit of a pause in the proceedings. Joana told me later she was getting very close to at least taking her shirt off down to her brassiere, at least, when other conversation ensued.

Nonstop in all of this Dee was going for the gold trying voraciously to get that towel off from around my waist, but I was holding on to that towel for dear life, trying to cajole Joana into stripping some clothing off.

It was like: Dee, slow the f*** down!!!

And: Joana – well, I was trying to apply gentle pressure, but Dee was just bouncing off of me like – well, like a naked gogo girl trying to get down to business.

Then Joana tells me – and this conversation was purely innocent on her part and well-intentioned: You’re being unfair to Dee taking so much time. It’s not fair that we are taking so long.

Pause. Time out.

I forgot this one point. We never negotiated a price before we left the club, but somewhere along the way I did ask what she expected and she told me 2,000 baht short time – twice the going rate.

The last thing I was worried about was being fair to Dee about her time.

Since we were having such an honest dialogue all night, in the spirit of communication I replied: Joana, look, Dee is getting 2,000 baht short time. She has all the time in the world. It’s all good. Something to that effect.

Joana, God bless her, in her innocence replies, afraid of being impolite in front of this seasoned bar girl: Don’t talk about payment in front of her. You don’t want to embarrass her. Words to that effect.

Me: Joana, don’t worry about that. I am sure it doesn’t bother her. I just want you to know we have all the time in the world. That’s double the going rate.

Joana: Something to the effect of not embarrassing Dee by talking about pricing again.

Somewhere in there, now appearing to be on the clock by both parties, with a naked hooker bouncing on me, with a beautiful extra looking on, I said: I may look easy, but I’m not.

I always wanted to say that with a young naked woman bouncing on top of me. In America, such occasions don’t roll around too often.

Joana was now upset and said she was going to leave. I jump up to stop her and I tell her that it’s okay. I want her to stay, that Dee can leave. Joana, not wanting to interfere with my fun, insists I go ahead and have a good time, but I wanted none of it. I wanted Dee to leave right then so Joana and I could talk this over, so that I could apologize for the way things went, and to tell her I just wasn’t interested in Dee, that she was a hardened professional and just not my type.

But Dee just wouldn’t leave and kept jabbering away. I gave her 1,000 baht for not completing the deal. (I am not completely easy, like I say. She didn’t follow through so I wasn’t going to pay double for that.)

All this time Joana was trying to leave, Dee was trying to stay, and it was a bit perplexing. I was like a traffic cop trying to get Joana away from the door and Dee out the door. I finally, finally, finally got Dee out of the door, breathed a sigh of relief, and immediately hugged and apologized to Joana for the way the conversation went.

I told her I wasn’t the least bit upset with her, that I didn’t like Dee, but more than that, that I just felt weird being “observed,” versus her being a part of the experience.

It finally dawned on Joana how I felt, that without her at least taking off her clothes or her top, I felt like an “object,” rather than part of a communal experience. Does that make any sense at all?

I won’t go on trying to describe the sensation, but it wasn’t pleasant. I figure you will understand or you won’t. That being said, if I would have picked another young Thai beauty, who knows what would have happened. There is a very high possibility things would have turned out different, very high, with hopefully Joana adding in her own way to the festivities.

We made amends, and I accompanied her to her hotel room, where I assumed I might get a kiss goodnight…maybe. She said I could stay, but I was still 100-percent convinced that nothing would happen.

Another thing I forgot to say is that in the taxi ride to Jomtien, although I was quite excited about this whole adventure, I thought over and over to myself that all I really wanted was to spend the night and make love to Joana.

And the way things happen, without divulging any detail, that’s the way it all turned out. Very happy ending. And it probably wouldn’t have happened if events at my condo had turned out otherwise. Funny thing, life is.

And I guess you could say another funny thing is, I still haven’t had a freaking threesome! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

Joana and I remain good friends and we enjoy planning our future adventures in LOS. I never quite know when Joana is referring to fantasy or possible reality. I guess I will just have to wait to find out.

Stickman's thoughts:

No time for me to comment on the long submissions at this point in time, sorry!