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The Lure 3

  • Written by Idle Hands
  • August 4th, 2006
  • 5 min read


On day three-and-a-bit of my inaugural Thailand adventure, I decided to turn six days in Phuket into an anthropological study. The aim would be to determine if bargirls were the ruthless, manipulative creatures they are regularly purported to be, and indeed whether farang tourists are the gullible, hopeless souls that crop up so often in these stories. This was also a convenient excuse for me to hang out in bars all afternoon and night, since I didn’t have any other company available.

After spending the daylight hours refusing to buy any tailored suits (just the occasional fake Diesel T-shirt) and discovering that Beer Chang is incorrectly labelled paint-stripper, I headed once more into Soi Eric. This time I found myself at a bar with plenty of girls, all surprisingly different looking. I sat across from a beautiful creature whose English was far too good to have been picked up at the bar. Having said skills, she helped her fellow BGs muscle in on the dice game so pretty soon I was buying drinks for five or six girls. The ones who stand out in my memory were a very sexy item with no English at all (but plenty of personality… and great tits) and a woman in her late thirties whom I mistakenly thought was the mama-san. I guess the bar owner wanted to appeal to every possible taste.

After flipping the numbers for what must have been hours, Mehkong and Coke got the better of me. I suggested that I’d like to barfine the girl with the good English and she seemed quite shocked. “You want to take me out?” she asked, as if no-one had ever suggested such a daring thing. The girl with no English didn’t seem quite as surprised, though, as she flipped a condom onto the bar and started making some fantastic noises. If my Thai was better I might have chosen her instead.

Walking down the road some Thai guys hanging around the tuktuks made a remark that made her stiffen up. What did they say? “They ask why I don’t go with them instead.” The look on her face suggested their language had been rather less polite. “I don’t like Thai man.” Well, that was a familiar line. She then pointed out that she had another job starting at midnight, so she could only do short time. Actually that wasn’t what I had in mind, but in the interests of my anthropological study I decided to take her back to my hotel anyway and see what eventuated (anything for science).

She was at pains to point out that she only went with a man once or twice a month. I couldn’t decide which of us was meant to feel better for hearing this. After a very expensive ‘joining fee’ and separate showers I discovered the meaning of the word ‘starfish’. She was so unresponsive I completely lost interest. It was amazing really, in the bar she had been captivating, but even lying there naked she managed to lose all of her appeal. In the end I was just paying her to leave. A disappointing evening in the bedroom then, but I really had fun in the bar with all those girls. In all it didn't cost much more than a decent night out in Sydney. More importantly, I was still yet to hear any sob stories, or any unreasonable requests for money, so it was back to the bars the next night.

Avoiding Soi Eric, I allowed myself to be ushered into one of the few go-go bars in Patong. What a dive. The deafening PA was on its last legs and the already deaf DJ seemed to have only one CD. Numa numa and so on. The girls wandering around the poles seemed as bored as me and only the ugly one had her top off. What the hell am I doing here? Soon enough a smile appears next to me. Presumably trying to surprise me with her original banter, she asks where I am from and what my name is. Not more than two questions later she asked if I would pay her barfine. I couldn't blame her really, I'd only been there a few minutes and I was pretty keen to leave. I wasn't all that keen on her though, so I pointed out that I wasn't interested in boom-boom. This didn't bother her at all.

It turned out that she was a mad football (soccer) fan, who had money on a European game. We went to a bar in Bangla road where she thought she could watch it, but they had to close around the time of the kick-off. Her desperation to see the game was cracking me up. Since I had cable in my room it seemed only fair to invite her back… after a bit of fun at the Banana Disco. In the spirit of the no-boom-boom agreement she managed to evade the security so I didn't have to pay the joining fee. Not long after we got into the room she got a call from her 'boyfriend' in the UK. She gestured to be quiet as she snuck out onto the balcony. I could hardly resist laughing out loud.

"I miss you daahling, I hope I win bet because if lose I have no money for food and I have to borrow money my friend so I can buy noodles. If lose please send money so I don't need borrow money my friend." Fantastic, just my second bargirl encounter and the deluded farang had already appeared via cell-phone. The second half had just started and already she was hoping that her team would lose, as she had only bet 7000 baht, but her boyfriend said he would send 20,000 if her team lost. I imagine 2am in Phuket was just working late in London.

I said I was impressed that she was so honest about herself in front of me. "If I make real then maybe you like me how I am." Don't know about that, daahling, but thanks for the laughs. Sure enough her team had a miraculous win and you have never seen a more down-hearted winner. Then she perked up a bit, "It's OK, I get him send me money anyway."

(Sorry Stick, I'll cut to the chase in the next one)

Stickman's thoughts:

You'd better cut to the chase because this is getting TEDIOUS.