The Alien Rectum Scan at Phya Thai Hospital
I have received many e-mails telling me I am full of it, I have often heard of people describe Bangkok / Thailand / Manila / Jakarta / India (*delete as necessary) as being it, and many would generally view life as it too. Well if you are not sure what
it is I am talking about, well here then is a story that literally tells you all about it.
For some time here now I have been having many problems with my innards. My weight either goes up by 5kg or it goes down by 5kgs and no matter what I do, or how careful I eat, I seem to be swinging like a pendulum one way or the other and
for just once I would like to feel settled in my stomach. I have tried to figure out what it is exactly that is causing me all of these problems and have looked at the spicy Thai food, the hot weather, my wife’s cooking and the fact that
either western food is so full of preservatives that my body is reacting badly to eating food cooked without them or to the other aspect of Thai food being predominantly cooked on a metal drum caked in oil with lots of sugar thrown in. I have
yet to figure it all out and don’t know what it is exactly that causes me so much trouble, but sometimes I would like to get off this ship for ten minutes if only to be allowed to settle my stomach for a while.
Some days are great mind and I have found that eating some western food part of the week seems to help a little but then I find that as I do so, I start to gain weight again. So I go back to the rice and the noodles and I start to get the
queasy feelings coming back, with me losing weight and to going back through the cycle all over again. The main problems I seem to get are acute constipation (see I told you I was full of it) and a bloated feeling in the stomach, which I know
is contrary to what most visitors who come to Asia seem to get with them having a quick gallop and trot around the basement clutching their ring of fire instead. So as you can imagine all of this causes me some discomfort in my daily life.
So off I went to the pharmacy to see if there was anything there to help settle the stomach and they just gave me some senocot tablets to help ‘naturally’ fight the solid walls of constipation and some other tablets for flatulence
and trapped wind. Thanks guys!
But all this seems to have done is just make me fart at the most inopportune moments and go in hard solid moments of ‘grunt and grinf’ followed by many rabbit droppings. Surely there is a better way than this. So I hinted at
the wife to maybe undercook some food to see if she could poison me enough to give me quicker dashes to the lavatory (although based on some of her normal cooking she is probably attempting to do this anyway) and I even started going out to the
dodgy rat on a stick vendors to see if that would help get things moving along too, but as I am a vegetarian (with a complexion similar to boiled shite according to one of my brothers) it seems to be quite a challenge to get the galloping trots
from a stick of burnt veggies coated in sugar and oil (Thai cooking again)… so what to do, I cannot keep farting and fermenting my way through Thailand.
While we are on the subject of farting, I have to say that in our first year together, I have been a very good boy and somehow never managed to let rip in front of the missus because I just knew how adverse to smells the Thais could be, and
so far I have yet to give her the delights of sticking her head under the covers as I let a silent but deadly one go, which I know many guys have done with their ladies at some point. She is however beginning to get used to hearing little ‘purp’
noises around the apartment now and then as she is fully aware of my bloated state and has resorted to just blaming it on the lizards and their mini motorcycles every time she hears it. She also knows that if she hears it then the smell is not
going to be bad, but if she doesn’t hear it and smells it first, then she does occasionally comment that some motorbike exhausts could do with a little cleaning and that maybe an oil change is in order… ok point taken darling.
The other misfortunate moments of having a never ending fermenting stomach seems to occur when in public and not only have one or two involuntary green gas clouds appeared as if we were in some world war one movie at a cinema near you (resulting
in the wife laughing and gagging all at the same time), it will also often happen in other back passage danger zones too. Somehow though, I have managed to refrain myself whilst on the BTS thus far and shudder to see what would happen if I let
one go there. You do have to be careful however where you stand with me and it was only yesterday when some poor lady; who was standing behind me on an escalator going to floor 2 in Siam paragon and whose head happened to be in the direct line
of sight of my rear end; received a new hair parting and a glade air freshener powder puff in her face… fortunately for me she didn’t quite get the powder puff in her face until after I had quickly scampered off the top end of the escalator,
and this was only because it was so potent with a heavy air density that it just somehow hung there in the air like a green rain cloud waiting to pour on someone’s day. So as she stepped up and off the escalator, she received the inevitable
mouth full. It was amazing how a face can go through the traffic light colours in such quick succession, Red Amber Green, Green Amber Red as she inhaled that first breath on the escalator. The way I figured it though as me and the wife giggled
our way off around the corner was that it wasn’t me who dealt it because the lady behind me smelt it first, thus conforming to the universal rules of, he who smelt it, dealt it.
Anyway, this past month I have been trying all sorts of remedies to resolve the situation and have been eating lots of fruit and lots of fibre based cereals for breakfast and lunch. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and the
week before last was a pretty jolly old week for me as I trotted off to the toilet to shed some of those excess kgs flowing through my intestinal tract ‘every day’… life was grand and I felt like I was back to normal and it was
indeed a rare event since my time in Thailand to be going every day, but then the plumbing clogged up again and I was back to feeling icky and bloated again. That is until Sunday morning this week.
It is a long weekend in Thailand here as we celebrate mother’s day and we spent most of the day on Saturday clothes shopping and buying books to keep our addled brains from becoming less addled. Overall it was a pretty good day. I
personally don’t recall eating anything untoward during the day and we hadn’t been drinking either (the wife doesn’t drink at all) and although the wife did at one point complain that she felt slightly sick, this I admit was
only after her eating her sixth full sized egg with spicy prawn on top and apart from wondering if she was aiming to do a Steve McQueen trick of eating lots and lots of eggs as he did in the great escape, I just thought nothing of it as she wasn’t
puking up anywhere.
We got home later that day and things where fine and we where happy as it was such a good day being together for a change without work getting in the way, but when we went to bed, I personally felt heavy around the stomach and what with the
stifling heat we are having at the moment, I was feeling a little hot despite having two fans blasting down on me. Now, normally I would put the air conditioning on but this past 2 weeks I have been trying to acclimatise myself a little better
by sleeping with fans on instead. As such, I had a pretty uncomfortable night on Saturday night and a combination of brewing gases, clogged up passage ways and the heat all kept me awake throughout the night and sometimes I even had the feeling
of being short of breath too. Off and on all night I was and I probably only got about 2 hours sleep all told so when 5:30am came and I saw the first cracks of light changing the colours on the horizon, I decided to get up and went into the living
room to watch the early morning news on the BBC.
As I sat there, I was actually feeling quite faint and dizzy. I was also still short of breath which started to get me slightly alarmed and no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of feeling lousy and as the minutes
ticked by I seemed to be getting a whole lot worse. So I got up and staggered in my dizzy sickly haze towards the toilet and just pointed myself into the bowl hoping that I could shift some of this heavy feeling away and after a few minutes of
gentle exertion, I managed with a feeling of relief to feel things starting to move. All the while, I was feeling very light headed and actually had my head in my hands for most of the time, and every time that I did look up, the room went around
in several directions and I would groan wondering when it was this ship would dock and allow me to get off. I was just managing to hold on and had managed (thankfully) to finish my business and so I did the usual stuff of cleaning myself etc…
but then as I stood up and turned around to flush and look (as you do) well the lights went out in my head and I went down very fast indeed… Thud!
I have no idea how long I was out for, but I figure it was no more than a couple of minutes, maybe even 30 seconds. I woke up with a gasp and a start in a sweat with my head on the floor of the shower and my legs tucked up underneath me with
me slumped over. I decided to lay there for a little while longer as I refocused and let my operating system re-boot it self. After about 5 minutes, I managed to pull myself into the shower cubicle and using the wall to steady and pull myself
up, I turned on the shower and sat there letting cold water flow life back in to my body.
It seemed to revitalise me for a short while and yet I still felt very dizzy and the bloated feeling still seemed to be there in the stomach although quite not so bad as it was before. I staggered hazily towards the toilet and as I leaned
over using the wall to steady myself as a drunken man would do, I was about to flush away what I had previously done when I noticed what looked like an explosion of blood all over the toilet basin… At first I thought I may have cut my head or
something but the mirror didn’t reveal anything of the sort, and then it dawned on me that the blood must have come from the rear end. But where exactly had all the blood come from? Had I burst an ulcer? Had the haemorrhoids I joked about
getting from sitting down all day actually turn out to be real and had now burst all over the place or had I split a new arse hole as the backed up Canadian river logs came hurtling through? Perhaps it was something more sinister, what the hell!
It’s amazing what runs through your mind at moments like these and I found that the more I thought, the more anxious I got, and the more anxious I got, the more I thought that something else more serious was wrong and so I started
panting in short breaths, and with each short breath I had, along with the bloated feeling in my stomach area, well I started to believe that maybe I was having a heart attack and although I had no pain in the arms or chest… well you just think
what on earth is happening to me… puff, pant, gasp, panic! Puff, pant, gasp, panic! Anxiety was getting a grip and I was losing it.
So I pulled myself out of the bathroom and as I made my way into the living room, my mind was racing. What do you do in Thailand when you are this sick? Who the hell do you phone? Do I really want to get picked up by the hurtling morgue vans
from the local hospitals? Why am I bloody panicking? Why do I feel like shit? Groan!
I manage to sit down and get my shit together (not literally but you know what I mean) and remembered back to some remote first aid training I did and decided that I needed to calm myself down first before my beating heart jumped out of my
chest and joined Ripley on alien resurrected. So I grabbed a paper bag from the draw and stuck my mouth in it and started blowing hard and breathing in some carbon dioxide and continued this until I managed to gain some composure again. My heart
was still racing but I had managed to stop bloody panicking like a big girl and so it was time to get into crisis mode and get myself to hospital.
I got up and stuck my head into the bedroom and quickly woke up the wife and as she bleary eyed looked up at me, I said “Honey, I don’t feel too good, I need to go to hospital” and then I collapsed on the bed again feeling
all faint and dizzy. The wife, who was still waking up, just leaned over and patted me on the head, and then continued to just lay there. So I had to say it again and told her to get up as I needed to get to the hospital quickly. So she wearily
climbs out of bed and instead of jumping into the shower and then getting ready as I expected her to do, she starts making the bed and tucking the corners away neatly as well as smoothing down the rumples. It felt like an eternity and all the
while I was thinking ‘Great! Here’s me dying and here she is just making the bloody bed.’ So I lifted my heavy dizzy head back up off the bed again and said more firmly “Honey, I need to go NOW!” and slumped
back down again in a ball of sweat. At this and with a jump and a start it suddenly dawned on the wife that I was not quite as well as she thought and was actually feeling seriously sick this morning. As such it finally got her into rapid action
and it was amazing how quickly she managed to make a process that normally takes her 1 hour most days into a 10 minute one and that included her still managing to get some resemblance of a face on. I noticed as she was getting dressed and talking
to me that there was a distinct warble in her voice and I realised that for the first time in our marriage, the wife was genuinely spooked and worried sick about her man. It is very rare that I get sick enough for a hospital visit and this in
fact was a first for me in Thailand. The wife also knows that if I am asking to be taken to hospital, then it must be serious as I am not one to cry wolf. In this instance though I let myself be guided by the wife as it was her country and she
would know best.
Now I have both standard Thai employment health insurance provided by work as well as hospital and life insurance for when or if I ever get admitted. We decide to pitch for the nearest government hospital to make use of my employment health
insurance as this would be the cheapest solution. So I somehow get myself dressed with the room spinning at several rates of knots and get into the lift and out of the apartment block. It was about 7:30am now and the streets where only just beginning
to wake up on our soi with it being a holiday and all and so I had to get up to the nearest main road to try and get a taxi. When we got there and waved down the first couple of taxis, they refused to take us because in all reality it was only
a short walk to the nearest hospital… bloody lazy sods, it would have been an easy 35 baht. So in the end, I decide to just stagger my way there instead and 20 or so minutes later we rolled into the government hospital. I slumped myself wearily
down into a chair and the wife went off to see what the process was to get me seen. Anyway, after 5 minutes she came back exasperated that they wouldn’t accept me because we didn’t have my passport with me and they also told her
there was a reasonable sized waiting list ahead of me. I sat there and thought, ‘sod this, I cannot compromise my health like this’ and so told the wife that we where off to the nearest private hospital which happened to be Phya
Thai number two. We got up and walked back out from the government hospital and walked towards victory monument and jumped into the nearest taxi that we could find. This time there was no nonsense from the taxi driver and we were in the private
hospital within 5 minutes.
Immediately as we walked in, I was surrounded by orderlies and nurses. What a difference to the government hospital and they where very happy to accept my wife’s ID along with my life insurance card as evidence that I was who I was.
An orderly tried to get me into a wheel chair and despite how rough I was feeling and despite the world spinning in opposite directions, I refused to get into one because I firmly believe that as long as I have legs and can use them, then that
is what I was going to do. Call me stubbornly proud if you will.
My wife was by now complaining that I had for some odd reason very cold hands and was doing her best to warm them up, and as she was doing so, was telling the nurses that I was feeling light headed and short of breath. After a quick explanation
about other symptoms from me, the nurses where quick to tune in and I was whisked merrily up to the forth floor, to the department of gastro and bowl diseases. Very astute of them I thought because they could so easily have mistaken my symptoms
for heart trouble. Anyway, the wife registered me in and we sat ourselves in for a long wait but no sooner had I sat down when I was being whisked away for a weight check… It appears that I am on the 5kgs up pendulum cycle this week –
oh well never mind! They then checked my blood pressure and although I was expecting a racy number based on how I had been getting anxious earlier on, I had by now managed to calm myself down as I was now in their hands and was surprised when
she came back with a reading that showed me as being calm, relaxed and totally within normal limits. I guess all that walking I do around Bangkok is keeping me fit after all.
After this, I went and sat down again and waited for the doctor to arrive for the examination. As we where waiting, my bloated stomach churned over once or twice in its efforts to make butter and as it did so I felt a bubble form in my underpants.
I was thinking (as you do) ‘is this a fart bubble or a turtle’s head that’s just formed?’ Well, no matter what it was going to be, I decided to test the water and to my relief it came out as a long quiet rumble and
along with it went the bloated feeling and feeling of giddiness that I had and up from below went a huge mushroom shaped green cloud. Immediately the wife got out one of those smelling sticks and had somehow managed to wedge it three cm’s
up her left nostril and was merrily sniffing some other fragrance through the other one whilst whispering through her tightly controlled lips “Tod Chai mai?” and with a nod from me, she started giggling as best as she could without
shooting a smell stick off up the corridor like a torpedo.
Finally, and probably thankfully for those around the radioactive vicinity of the green cloud, we heard my name being called by a very cute nurse and off we went to see the doctor. We sat down and in this very small cubicle examination room,
were me, the wife, a lovely female doctor, and two stunningly beautiful nurses. Then the Doctor started asking me the usual ‘what’s wrong’ sort of questions and as we where discussing diet and other things, such as how I should
eat more fruit, vegetables (despite me telling her I was a veggie) and more fibre to overcome my constipation issues. She was well on her way to writing me out the usual Thai catch all remedy of several prescriptions (one of which was an antibiotic
– for what I have no idea) when I told her that what concerned me most ‘right now’ was the blood loss I had evidently encountered from the wrong end that morning and also the short breath I had been encountering. Well both
of these revelations suddenly changed the course of events, and as she put down her pen, she said several things to me with one in particular making me go say “oh!”
The first few things that she mentioned were that she wanted me to have an EKG on my heart (presumably requested by the wife to make sure I had one). She then wanted me to get an x-ray (presumably to give the wife hard evidence in print to
show that I had a heart), and finally to go for an ultra scan to check out all my innards to make sure that indeed that they where all in the right place. Now as if that wasn’t enough to think about, least of which was the baht signs that
were already cher chinging up in my head, she then proudly declared that before all of that could commence however, that it would be best if she could also physically check me over, so up onto the couch I was ordered.
I kicked off my shoes and was told to lie down. So I did. The curtain was closed over and although the wife was obscured from what was going on, she was still allowed to be in the room and was able to listen. Now the doctor checked me over
as they do with her stethoscope and after she had finished prodding me and asking me if the hand she had just put 5 inches into my spleen, liver and stomach had hurt, she then asked me to whip off my trousers as she wanted to check me on the inside
because of the bleeding that occurred.
Slightly taken aback I said: “Excuse me, come again?”
Very Cute Nurse: “The doctor requires you to take down your trousers”
She then leans over and before I even have time to react, she adeptly unbuttons my jeans and quickly whips them down to somewhere down near my knees. Fortunately for me I always remember my mum saying that I should always wear clean underwear
because you just never know when you are going to get run over by a car… and well her teachings seemed to have paid off today. The cute nurse then gently rolls me over with a beautiful smile onto my left side and tucks my knees up to somewhere
under my chin.
Before I know what’s going on, I hear a squelch of what I can only think of as KY jelly, and with a slight stab of pain and a jerk up from me, I feel the sensation of an unwanted finger in the nether regions – ouch! Well they
do say you experience many firsts when you come to Thailand and this was most definitely a first for me. What was more disconcerting was that while I am biting down on my lip and humming to myself, I was also preying that I wouldn’t release
like an unplugged bottle of champagne when she withdrew that digit as I am sure I couldn’t have lived with the embarrassment. Fortunately for me I didn’t. Now as if that wasn’t bad enough, she then gets out what I can best
describe as an old grammar phone ear trumpet and proceeds to shove the thing right back up my KY jellied sodden ring again. I could sense from behind me that she had leaned down and was now looking up through the larger end right up my back passage
and as she did so, an image of me playing the game ‘up periscope’ as a kid came into my head and I couldn’t help wonder as she twirled the thing left, and up and down and around, if she was trying to count the number of holes
it would take to send a torpedo up to sink my battleship. It’s astounding what thoughts slip into your mind isn’t it.
Thankfully, with a little pop and a squelch and a bum wipe from the very cute nurse who I wouldn’t be able to look at again in the same way afterwards, I was allowed to get my trousers back up and around my waist. I swung my legs around
and as the curtain was swished open again, I got off the bed and walked with a slight tip toe action back to be in front of the Doctor again at her desk. The wife looked at me with astonishment and asked me why I was tucking my shirt back in and
I mumbled a ‘tell you later’ to her. In the meantime, the Doctor was sketching a picture on her notepad of what I believe she saw up my rear end through the anal trumpet. When she finished her picture, she asked me if I knew what
it was she had drawn. Ooh Goody! I got to play a game of pictionary at the hospital…
Now I think I knew what the answer was but I couldn’t help myself and with a voice that had now gone up an octave or two I squeaked, erhum… down an octave, I said in my now forced deep Barry White voice; “Three Mexicans sitting
around a well?”
Doctor: [A slight smile on her lips] “No”
Me: “Three solitary peanuts having a chat in a dish then?”
Me: “A toothless old ladies mouth?”
Doctor: “No, I am glad you have kept your sense of humour. Last guess…”
Me: “Oh ok then, it looks like haemorrhoids to me”
Doctor: “Very good. Yes, you do indeed have three very small ones up there and I believe that they may have been responsible for the blood loss you mentioned today. I will like to run the other checks first however to make sure there
is nothing else as your tight chest and fainting has me concerned.”
Phew! That was a relief… well ok not as much as a relief as sitting on a rubber ring surrounded by ice might have been but a relief that it wasn’t anything more sinister, and as I sat there now half listening, I thought about my
current job and how sitting around all day writing and surfing the internet was probably responsible. Now before this day I always believed that you got haemorrhoids by sitting on cold radiators in England… which goes to show you that you shouldn’t
always believe all those urban myths you get told as Thailand funnily enough doesn’t have any radiators, let alone cold ones.
The Doctor told me to come back a little later and we where led away to go and do the other checks she had prescribed for me. First I went off and had the EKG and this was uneventful although she did have trouble getting them to stick on
my hairy chest. She even mentioned at one point that it was like being with a ‘Ling’ (monkey)… the cheeky mare, and for good measure, when it was all done and dusted, she whipped off the electrodes and off went half of my hairs
with it too.
After that, I was led down to the x-ray department where I had a chest x-ray. The guy stuck two bits of tape to my nipples (I thought to protect them from the radiation) and told me to stand there with my arms in a ‘my little tea pot’
position with my chest pushed forward onto a metal plate. Now as I stood there, all I could think of was of the status quo record ‘rocking all over the world’ and had the plate not been there I would have started swinging around
my left shoulder in and shaking my hair to the music in my head like all those heavy metal freaks like to do. Afterwards, we waited for a few minutes and the guy gave me the x-ray picture to take back up to the Doctor and as we walked towards
the next room to have the ultra scan, we had a quick look at the x-ray to see if there was anything untoward on it. Now apart from the x-ray showing that I looked like I had ingested two stables into my lungs (the tape on my nipples apparently
had a staple in each one to show where my nipples were on the x-ray to show my chest proportions) I was happy to see that I had a healthy pair of lungs too without any obvious lesions and the heart looked normal size… but hey what the hell did
I know, I was only mimicking what I saw them doing on hospital shows on TV.
The ultra scan I had to attend was the exact same one as used to check when a woman is pregnant and to see if the alien inside of her is a male or female and doesn’t have three heads. So as I lay there on the bed, another cute Thai
nurse came in and whilst saying ‘excuse me’ proceeded to push down my jeans to just above my scrotum area… She could of asked of course, but hey erhum, later dear, later! The wife just sat there with an amused grin on her face.
Anyway, shortly after this event, a female Doctor came in and squelched a load of very cold KY on to my stomach and chest and off with the scan we went. It was quite surreal to see images of my own kidneys, spleen, liver, stomach, gall bladder,
intestines and heart showing up on the screen in front of me and I was so thankful for the one year of human anatomy that I studied many years ago in my early twenties as I knew what I was looking at. I was tempted at one point to shout out loud
‘it’s a boy!’ but I decided for once to keep quiet and was very happy to see that my liver looked healthy and that my gall bladder didn’t have any stones in it. Also from what I could see of all the other organs there
didn’t seem anything untoward going on there either. She did have major trouble finding my Pancreas however and was complaining to me that my stomach was so full of gas that she couldn’t quite get a clear enough picture to see it,
so I may have to go back later for them to check it out depending on how well I respond to the treatment. All the while, the lady was taking Ultra scan photos of my organs and afterwards I was handed a report card with nice pictures of my inner
organs to take back upstairs to the Doctor.
When the ultra scan was over, we went to see the Doctor again and were told to go and have something to eat and to come back in 1 hour after she had checked the results of the various tests. So we took the opportunity to go home and to pick
up my ATM card whilst there as I was having some suspicions that this may turn out to be expensive. I asked the wife to have a guess at how much it would be and she said 6000 baht and I said I think it would be 5000 baht. Anyway, we had a quick
snack and I was feeling much better by now, although still slightly dizzy. We got back to the hospital and went to see the Doc again and we managed to catch her just in time before she got up to go for lunch. She sat me down and explained that
all of my tests came back as normal but that should I still have problems, that they would want me in for a CT scan on my pancreas and to also stick a bigger tube in me to do a physical check of my stomach to see if I had an ulcer or something.
Hopefully both of these additional Alien scans won’t be necessary but I was also surprised that they handed me the x-ray and the Ultra scan pictures of all my bodily organs along with a report and these I was told I could keep. Totally
different from back home were the hospital would never let you see them let alone keep them. It was interesting to note that both reports from the x-ray and the ultra scan reported that everything was of normal size and proportion with nothing
untoward to see. It’s a good job that I don’t have low self esteem however because the x-ray report did mention that I had an ‘unremarkable chest’… hopefully they meant my chest didn’t require any remarks rather
than being that of someone who doesn’t put body building high on his agenda. Sniff!
She then went on to explain all about my medication in detail and what each one was for and how I should take them. I did have some questions for her but she seemed to be in such a hurry for lunch that I didn’t get the chance to ask
them, and I kicked myself afterwards because the most important one I wanted to ask was ‘why didn’t they do any blood tests to see if I had any abnormal enzymes floating around’… So I’ve made a mental note to ask
this one straight away next time should I have to go back. We said our farewells and went and sat at the prescriptions and payment counter. As we sat there waiting, I couldn’t help notice how quick the Doctor was up and out of the building
on her way for lunch… I wondered if she would be having any chocolate brownies for desert today and I wanted to warn her not to lick her fingers afterwards… just in case you know.
When we got the bill we found that we where both wrong and the actual total came to 4,167 baht with the medication (1,365 baht) and the ultra scan (1,500 baht) being the two biggest costs. The Doctor cost me 600 baht for her time and I had
to pay 50 baht for the nurse’s time and she was really cute too. Hell some people pay more than that for a night out in Patpong.
Anyway, I am now sat at home resting and positively rattling with all the pills that I have to take both before and after I eat. I have to admit that I am feeling a whole lot better today and the pills have most certainly started to settle
my stomach down. Maybe it was just a bug I have caught and the bloated feeling seems to have gone away somewhat too but only time will tell of course how long I will refrain from being a total gas bag and full of hot air.
So should you ever find yourself in Phya Thai hospital complaining of tummy troubles, well you will most certainly will be very well looked after, but try not to be too surprised when you hear the twang of a the rubber gloves and a scrape
of a metal object that old granny wither spoon once used for her poor hearing being readied for the alien rectal scan that they like to perform there… or at least don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.