Thailand – Who Can You Tell?
I have been visiting Thailand on and off for almost 25 years, sometimes on business, sometimes for pleasure. This year, my work has meant I have had to be based here, dramatically expanding my growing list of Thai stories. In recent times, I have been
joined on my Thai expeditions by some good friends, and it is the experiences and laughs we have shared that have, as I approach “middle age”, been some of the highlights of a very active and fulfilling life. I have never laughed
so long or hard as I have in the past few years with our adventures in the Land Of Smiles.
It is very hard in a written format to sometimes capture humor and situations. Nevertheless, and in no particular order, I have tried my best in this Stickman submission to convey just a few of the many stories that bring a big smile to my face whenever I recall them.
In my early visits to Thailand, I struggled to learn the language so as to better impress the ladies. On one visit to Pattaya, my friend was trying to help:
Friend: “Look, it is really simple, when you want to say ‘hello’ you say ‘sawadee krap’. If you say it fast enough, and bad enough, it sounds a lot like ‘suck my dick krap’”
Me: “That’s a good way to remember it – try to disguise the ‘suck my dick krap’ and make it sound like ‘sawadee krap’, saying it quickly and badly. OK – I’ll try that”
We approach a beer bar on walking street, with thoughts of my first Thai language lesson in my head. As we move towards one bar, a stunning girl stands up, smiles, slightly bows with her hands together and prepares to greet us. Forgetting everything, I blurt out in plain English, all too loud for everyone within 20 metres to hear:
“Suck my dick”.
My friend is now lying on the floor, clutching his sides as he convulses with laughter, while the girl behind the bar looks slightly stunned, but still smiling, and her friends giggle uncontrollably.
I’m in a hotel room with Ae, a lovely lady from Carousel disco in Pattaya, whose English is about as bad as my Thai.
Ae: “Mai keow chai, I don’t understand”.
Me: “Sorry, I don’t understand Mai keow chai”
Me: “What do you mean, Yes?”
Ae: “I don’t understand, mai keow chai”
Me: “What is so hard about ‘yes’ that you don’t understand?”
Ae: “Mai keow chai”
Me: “I don’t understand!”
Me (becoming exasperated): “Look, what does ‘mai keow chai’ mean?”
Ae (also becoming exasperated): “I don’t understand!”
Me: “Oh for Christ's sake – I don’t know how to say it another way. I don’t understand what mai keow chai means!”
Ae (now nearly screaming): “Yes!”
Me: “Don’t say ‘yes’ again please! I am confused. Mai keow chai – what does this mean?”
Ae: “I do not understand!”
Me: “Oh, forget it, I just don’t understand either!”
Ae: “Yes! Mai keow chai!”
Me: “Suck my dick krap?”
In a bar in Soi 33, Bangkok:
Me: “The Mama-san is really great here – very helpful. I think her name is Meeow. Shame she is a bit old and not too hot”
Friend: “Yeah, Meeow is a bit of a woof”
Me: “I had my first squirter yesterday. The sheets were soaking!”
Friend: “I never understood the science of squirters. I mean, where does all that liquid come from? Why do only so few girls squirt like that when they come?”
Me: “I don’t know. I met her last night at Nana in G-Spot”
Friend: “Well, sounds like you found hers!”
One evening spent at an S&M bar on Soi 33, Bangkok. I’d never been before, and wondered what the hell I’d let myself in for as I was asked to put on a black shirt behind curtains on entry, and heard the snap of what sounded like a whip come from inside. As we sipped our first drink, my friend and I exchanged glances as a grey-haired farang guy was led past us, naked, on a leash and on all fours by a lady dressed in leather. While at the bar, my left ear kept being hit by something, but when I turned around, could see no one there. After about an hour, I finally saw my friend with a long horse whip flick my ear with his hand behind his back and behind the girl between us. We retired to the back of the bar, and were given fine, personal, service by a bevy of beauties as we sat in small, metallic chairs.
As we left, I turned to my friend:
“Those chairs in that S&M bar were bloody uncomfortable”
Friend: “Well, it is an S&M bar you know”
We met up with some friends, who were unaware of our earlier adventures. After a few more drinks, and forgetting who we were with, I blurted out to my friend for all to hear:
“Christ, it was bloody funny when you were whipping me in that S&M bar earlier”
Postscript: The next day I had a series of business meetings in Bangkok. I struggled to get up, put on a suit and drag myself off to the Silom area. As I entered a large bank building, I noticed my shoes looked strangely white. I bent down to check, and realized they were still covered in candle wax from my previous nights exploits. I got puzzled looks from the bank receptionist as I asked for some tissues to clean off the candle wax from my shoes.
Me: “The security at my apartment building is great – I think there is so much because the Egyptian embassy or something like that is on the 20th floor”.
Friend: “Really? An embassy in your building?”
Me: “I think that is what the head security guy told me. You can’t tell, I mean I didn’t notice many people coming and going that look like they were visiting an embassy”
Friend: “Why? Don’t they walk like Egyptians?”
In a car on our way down to Pattaya. We plan on having some business planning sessions while we were there, to give the trip at least some justification other than the obvious. Our Thai friend Surapong is joining us later, but for now he is still in Bangkok.
Me: “Better send an SMS to Surapong asking him to bring a projector. We might need it”
Friend: “Good idea….OK sent message ‘please bring projector because we forgot to bring’”
A few minutes later.
Friend: “SMS Message from Surapong just arrived,…. he says ‘get your own condoms’. Uh?”
Me: “Get your own condoms? What the hell is he talking about? Try calling him to find out what he has been smoking!”
Friend (on phone): “Hey Khun Surapong. What do you mean ‘get your own condoms’?…………..protection? No ting tong, our message said ‘projector’, not ‘protection’!!”
Friend: “Amazing day yesterday. Met a lovely young lady in Soi 4 called Ping and had some afternoon delight. Then later that same day, approached by a girl in a club. She wasn’t that hot, but as soon as she told me her name, I knew I had to have her that same day”
Me: “And her name would be Pong?”
Me: “You are right, had to be done”
I had a visitor, a businessman in his 40s from Australia who has never been to Bangkok before. I took him for lunch across the road from our office, where about 300 University students also eat every day. As we surveyed the simply incredible number of hot girls wearing their uniforms, we talked.
Me: “Who can you tell? I mean, when I say that I lunch with a lot of hot Uni students, it somehow does not convey the sheer amount of talent here wearing ultra-sexy tight, black short skirts with white blouses at least 3 sizes too small for them!”
Friend: “You know, a lot of the girls here look really young to me”
Me: “No – they have to be at least 18, 19 years old to be going to Uni”
Friend: “Well, you know, I think that IS pretty young. You have obviously been in Bangkok too long already!”
Me: “Oh yeah, sorry, I forgot you come from normal land”.
After an intense night, where more than the usual quantity of drinks had been consumed, in a hotel suite shared with a friend.
Me: “Well, that was a hell of a night. When you found out that Pu and Bo were sisters, and then their friend Noy tagged along, I never thought all five of us would end up in one bed together”
Friend: “Yep – something about sisters in bed together, ultimate fantasy and all that”
Me: “I mean I have been around, done that. But last night was a first – one girl bouncing up and down on my dick, and another with her tongue up my ass. I was so busy I didn’t notice what you were doing”
Friend: “Just as well, because what makes you think it was a girls tongue up your ass?”
In Pattaya, after I had personally drank the entire contents of two large bottles of tequila the night before.
Friend (knocking hard on my door): “Get up you lazy sod – we have our car waiting and flights to catch”
Me (after somehow getting up, noticing a girl in my bed for the first time, and other things, and staggering to the door): “Some bastards thrown up in my bed!”
Friend: “I think I know who that bastard is, you should see yourself! There is something seriously wrong with your eyes”
At this point I go to the bathroom mirror and scream. All of the whites of both eyes are blood red – I burst the vessels behind the retinas when I threw up in my sleep.
Later that day, wearing sunglasses, I go through Bangkok airport immigration.
Immigration lady: “Can you take off your sunglasses please?”
Me: “Er, yes, I guess so…” and slowly remove them.
Immigration lady: “Aaaarrrggghhhh!! Ok Ok – you can put them on again, please please!!”
On our way to the airport, after another splendid trip to the Land of Smiles. My friend has just brought a plastic bottle of coffee milk from a 7/11 and is desperate to get at the drink.
Friend: “How the bloody hell do you open one of these?”
Me: “Simple, You put your finger in the hole, push it hard, wriggle it around, pull your finger out, and you can taste the result”
Friend: “Are you talking about last night or this bottle of milk?”
Three of us in a taxi on Sukhumvit – all farangs. The taxi driver does not speak a word of English. I’m in the front seat, facing front and listening to my two friends in the back who are talking about last nights exploits.
Friend 1: “She was hot – not the greatest looking girl in the world but once back in the hotel room – she was bouncing off the walls”
Friend 2: “That hotel has thin walls. I could hear you going at it all night, and her screams too! What the hell were you doing to her?”
Friend 1: “Oh, well, she had never had anal sex before….and, er, well, now she has”
Me: “Jep dout mak mak” (this is Thai for “my ass hurts”).
At this point the taxi swerves all over the road, and the driver is giving me a very strange look. All of us realize, that from his perspective, I have just blurted out, for no reason and to no one in particular, that my ass hurts.
I was in Delhi, and had been in India for a week. I was ready to bust a nut to get to Thailand, and two of my best friends were already there. I call them, and tell them I arrive the next morning on the red eye, getting into Bangkok at about 5:30am. They tell me they will have a nice surprise waiting in my room.
When I do arrive at my hotel early the next morning, I find two gorgeous young ladies in my bed, naked, waiting for me! This was a surprise – not the two girls part – but that they were stunning – my friends are known for pulling dirty stunts and as soon as they told me last night that there was a surprise for me I was actually quite worried.
I throw my clothes off, and jump into the bed. About 20 minutes later, I’m in the very middle of proceedings. One girl is on top with her pussy in my face. Another is riding up and down on my dick. Life is good, I’m glad I have friends like mine. Then both girls start giggling and singing “Happy Birthday to you”, which is a bit odd in many ways, but mostly because it is nowhere near my birthday.
Later that day, I finally meet my friends, and relay not only my thanks but my birthday story. They crack up, and tell me the only way they could convince these two to stay in the bed and wait for me all night was to tell them it was my birthday!
The Penthouse hotel in Pattaya is one of a kind. Inside it is like some surreal Dali painting, with rooms that look they were designed by a porn movie director on an acid trip. It is the only hotel I know that actively seems to encourage room visitors, the more the merrier. In particular, the Babylon party room has to be seen to be believed. Three enormous beds, 3 jacuzzis big enough to hold 20 people (we proved this one night), several sex swings (with instructions), dentist chairs, about 10 dancing poles, disco lights and system, several plasma screens with in-house porn, and mini bars stacked with drinks, snacks, condoms, lubricant, vibrators, dildos – anyway, you get the idea.
I have stayed there a few times with two friends, and we have a simple rule – when you have a room like this it would be criminal to return to it without at least 15 girls in tow. On one famous trip a few years back, we emptied a few go-gos of dancing girls and were accompanied by at least 20 girls on walking street making our way back to the hotel. We looked so outrageous, that some Thai guys took offence and started to throw bottles at us. What a night that one was, I don’t think I will ever forget the line used by one of my friends as he called room service at 4am:
“We need 18 more towels please”.
Me “Just exactly how many pussies did you decide to shave in the middle of the night?”
Friend “Dunno – but it had to be at least a dozen. It was like a production line. I nearly ran out of shaving cream”
Me “But what happened to all the, er, pubes?”
Friend “What do you think they use for pillow stuffing in this place?”
On our way back from that trip to Bangkok, I kept throwing up and having to rush to the closest bathroom (I don’t like to think where my tongue had been the previous evening) while another friend started to look distinctly weird. His ears and nose swelled to two to three times their normal size, and he told us that was not the only parts of his body reacting. He had taken Viagra for the first time last night, and told us it had not worked. Well, now it seems as if it had a delayed reaction, making everything on his body grow except that part for which it was intended!
Back in Bangkok, we met my Bangkok girl of the time who had a friend we had never met in tow. Within minutes, I was in my room with my girl, my friend was with the new girl in his (this kind of thing can only ever happen in Thailand). About an hour later, my hotel room phone rings, my girl answers and is busy talking in Thai to her friend from the next room. In the middle of this conversation she turns to me and asks:
“My friend want to know why your friend has such big balls?”
I started to explain something about our previous nights exploits and Viagra, but gave up as I just could not stop laughing, which was bad news because when I laughed, I was not sure what was going to happen to me – I was very fragile and leaking all ends.
We decided we needed to visit Bumrungrad (which, in my case, seemed like a very appropriate name) – things were serious. My friend was in with the Doctor there for quite a while, emerging to tell me that the Doctor wanted to know why a 34 year old needed Viagra.
Friend “I tried to explain, but when I mentioned the 18 girls bit, he gave me disapproving looks”
Me: “So what is wrong with you?”
Friend: “He said that he had some bad news, that I was allergic to Viagra. I told him that he had no idea how bad this news was, since I plan to visit the Babylon room many times again in the future!”
Me (rolling around on the floor laughing) “Stop! Stop! When I laugh bad things can happen. Oh Shit – never mind – tell me again!”
Postscript: Some years later, my friend had a poisoning incident in his home country. When asked on hospital admittance if he was allergic to anything, he told them Viagra. For the next three days, he thought it was odd that all the doctors, nurses and visitors giggled and laughed when they passed his bed. Only when he got up to leave did he notice the huge sign behind his bed and above his head that screamed “Allergic to Viagra”.
In a club in Bangkok:
Me “You know, you could at least try to look good when we go out. You are wearing old shorts, some naff T-shirt and Jesus sandals. You wouldn’t even get allowed in to most bars in Australia wearing that. How do you hope to pick up decent talent wearing that crap?”
Friend “So what? I’m wearing my best wallet!”
Later, I noticed he was absolutely right. As he spent up big on drinks and generally looked happy, he was surrounded by the best looking ladies in the club.
The Eden club on Sukhumvit Soi 7/1 is famous in Bangkok. You can only take two or more girls from the bar, the prices are set and very reasonable, and the ladies are all more than happy to enjoy their female company – especially if you let the first one you choose pick her friend to join you. When the time comes to pick your lady, they all line up along the bar – some to the right of a huge yellow line that crosses the entire room, others to the left. Those to the left are, shall we say, more liberal in their sexual attitude than those on the right – being partial to anal play.
My friends and I have been there many times. On at least three occasions I have taken different bi-sexually inclined lady friends in there with me (one of whom was a stunning black model from Australia – but that is another story) – and a good time was had by all.
But one friend, Tom, had never been. Tom had just opened his own bar in Bangkok, and sent us an SMS to tell us he had gotten as close as the door of Eden but had chickened out. My friend Alan and I were in Hong Kong on business when we got this news. We were eating in a restaurant in the airport, about to fly to Bangkok.
Me: “Tom has chickened out of going into Eden? What is wrong with the man? We have to do something when we get to Bangkok about this!”
Alan: “I know! We need to go to his new bar and present him with his own yellow line, and make him walk up and down it!”
Me: “But where do we get a long yellow line between now and going to his bar in Bangkok later tonight?”
At this point, we both realize that the place mats in the restaurant are all bright yellow.
We asked a rather baffled waitress for a dozen place mats. When we got to our hotel in Bangkok, we asked an equally baffled girl at reception for scissors and tape, and proceeded to make a long yellow line that could be rolled up and hidden in my pocket.
On our way to Tom’s new bar, we stop in at a small, hole-in-the-wall bar we had never been to before just for a quick drink and a game of pool. We started talking to one of the other customers playing pool, a guy called Steve who had been coming to Bangkok since the 1960s. He asked us how well we knew Bangkok – we replied that we thought we knew it pretty well, and had good friends here who owned bars and stuff like that.
Steve: “Yeah – but have you guys ever been to a place called Eden on Soi 7/1?”
At this point, I reach into my pocket, and throw the yellow line (all 10 metres of it) across the floor of the bar, saying:
“Not only do we frequently go to Eden, but we even take our own yellow line with us when we go to other bars!”
I don’t think I have ever seen such a stunned look on anyone's face before or since, as Steve just collapsed with laughter.
Thailand. Land of Smiles. Who can you tell?
No comments from me. What could I say if I did comment? Dana, care to give me some text to put here?