Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 143

  • Written by Dana
  • August 12th, 2006
  • 9 min read


Attn: Official open letter to all non-Thai adult male Earthlings in or out of the Kingdom– (8/8/06)

CHURCH OF DANA

"In Pattaya did Dana Man
A stately Churchure Dome decree."

Ok, it's not

"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan–
A stately pleasure dome decree."

by Coleridge; but it's the result that counts. I am going to start a Church of Dana. Let me repeat that:

I AM GOING TO START A 'CHURCH OF DANA'.

Thirty thousand Stickmanites, and tens of thousands of resident Kingdom farang, and numberless visiting farang, and a few non-Western non-Thais (Japs and Chinks), and every single Pattaya expat can't be wrong: and what they tell me is that they want a Church of Dana. Actually the constant Refrainius Messegium is more like they need a Church of Dana like a hot slavering soi dog needs a drink from the toilet. But enough of iconic religious imagery: a CHURCH OF DANA is going to be formed.

Sound of trumpets and kettle drums and orgiastic moaning . . . . . followed by tens of thousands of — "Honey, I'll have a beer."

And I already know what cerebral diapason has burst from your brains–

"It's about time man . . . . . we've been waiting to worship you in a formal setting for years dude. What took so long man . . . . . we're totally stoked and pumped man; and for sure this is the most awesome knarly thing that has ever happened man . . . !"

and from wealthy condopats living at least above the 6th floor–

"Indubitably: and notify my retired Oxford proctor now; I am a very happy chappy–a most auspicious announcement not out of keeping with the heartfelt civilized spiritual wishes residing in every educated farang and . . . .ok, what I really want to know is . . . do we get to do any bonking most esteemed Kuhn Dana? I haven't Isaan slammed my University educated Stoke-on-Trent pecker in months and if I have to go to one more expat club meeting and get appointed to blow up balloons at one more orphanage I'm going to jump."

Anyway, a Church of Dana (COD) is going to be formed. I know extreme happiness can sometimes cause shock so I'll just give you some time to rebound and regroup. A cog has slipped forward in the machinations of the Universe and change is afoot. With the delicacy of a butterfly's wing and the rumbling onrushing fate of a freight train a new day is dawning. So I'll repeat it. A Church of Dana is going to be formed. This will be a world wide religion based on me. A 540,000 word 72 chapter specialized treatise monograph outlining and announcing the Church of Dana will be appearing on this website. It will be a testament to inclusiveness, and open arms, and no judging, and love for all (except the French). Stay tuned. Subjects such as protocols and hymns (songs to Dana written by me) will be presented and explained.

Example Hymn:

UNTO DANA

Unto Dana be all glory, honor, and praise–
Flow from his throne, unto His own, his anthem raise.

So exalt, lift up on high the name of Dana,
Magnify, come glorify Dana all the Kingdom's days.

Glory Glory Glory
Praise to Him all knowing . . .
Holy Holy Holy
Look to Him when Pattaya A-Going . . .

I can hear my Dana calling,
"Take thy beer and follow, follow Me."
Where he leads me I will follow,
Whether beer bar, or Go-Go, or freelancer by the sea.

Because Dana lives I can face tomorrow–
Because Dana lives all fear is gone;
Because I know he holds the future,
Whether it be teeruks, or trannies, or best price for Fong.

Holy Holy Holy . . .
Listen well to his advice.
Glory Glory Glory . . .
Judge not and treat everyone nice.

Unto Dana be all glory, honor, and praise.
So exalt, lift up his name all your Thai days.
Magnify, come worship and sing–
Let your cares like your morals take easy wing.

Because He lives I never use condoms.
Because He lives I never overpay.
Life is worth living–
I sing his praises every LOS day.

Unto Dana be all glory, honor, and praise.
Flow from his throne, unto His own, His anthem raise.*

* CD's and DVD's of the All Isaan Church of Dana Choir will be available with the linguistic charm of the letter l's becoming letter r's and the letter r's becoming letter l's; as well as dropped word endings, and other spoken mysteries.

Example:

"Groly Groly Groly . . .
Hory Hory Hory . . .

Unlu Kuhn Dana be arr groly, honol, and plai." — etc.

Anyway, preaching will start on the steps of the Royal Palm Plaza in South Pattaya and as the church grows will move to the maritime park. Services will include singing my praises, a choir of dancing Go-Go girls, fireworks, free drinks, roadkill roast, drunken Honda Wave races, moon dancing monks, and lots of naked smiling laughing Thai women. The inaugural service will be marked by Noi and her girls doing a 100 plane flyover at 18,000 miles per hour. The girls will have their teddy bear co-pilots in the cockpits with their gas masked plush fur faces and button eyes pressed against the windshields. Purple smoke oil jet exhaust will sky write the words WE LOVE DANA. Following that will be a flyover of 100 pink C-130 Hercules transports with 100 big bulge parachuting trannies per plane. Stripped of armor and ordinance, and altered with extra large control surfaces; the C-130's will do a 360 degree loop right off the beach and disgorge the trannies at 20,000 feet. 10,000 parachuting trannies with pink parachutes trailing pink smoke bombs. On the way down they will first form into the shape of a vagina and then regroup and form into the shape of a penis. The Church of Dana accepts all persuasions. Big bulge parachuting professionals volunteering their time in service to their new god Dana. Now that's a way to inaugurate a religion.

Since Pattaya has no volcanoes there will be no volcano sacrifices of vestal virgins but the Church of Dana will be doing something with virgins (if we can find any). Actually I haven't had contact with a virgin in so long I'll be taking suggestions on what to do with them. One thing's for sure–you won't want to miss services at the Church of Dana. Oh, and one more item. Free cheese for everyone upon joining. Free 60 year old U.S. military grade surplus government cheese. I worked a deal. No need to thank me. Worship of me is enough. If you are new to the Kingdom and the goddamned chilies have made you a little loose in the caboose I recommend you chow down on some of this post WW II cheese. You'll be stopped up tighter than a cork in a cockroach. Again, no need to thank me. You know what you have to do.

Anyway, a Church of Dana (COD) is going to be formed. An opportunity for you to worship me and to see naked women wearing heels and gold chains around their waists passing the collection plates. Stay tuned on this website. There is no God and life has no meaning; but we are saved. There is Dana and the Church of Dana. It'll be a 'no worries mate' religion (at last a reason for Australia). No confessions. We aren't confessing anything. And no belief in reincarnation. We aren't saving anything for the next life. It's going to be a pedal to the metal, balls to the wall, no lookin' back religion dedicated to three words: Now and Fun and Dana. We ain't thinking of the future and we are not apologizing for the past. And there aren't going to be any cell phones. We aren't taking any calls and we aren't making any calls. If it is not on impulse we are not interested. It's DanaTime kats and kittens and all you need to know is Now and Fun and Dana (NAFAD).

What kind of religion will it be you ask? It will be a secular religion devoid of exclusionary intellectual fascism. In other words we aren't really going to believe in anything except NAFAD (Now and Fun and Dana). Complicated belief systems and ancillary notions lead to rules, and rules lead to rule breakers, and rule breakers lead to punishments, and punishments lead to fascists. Welcome South American priests plunging obsidian knives into still beating chests. That kind of thing has already been done since the beginning of time. The only thing we are going to be plunging is olives into martinis (extra dry). This will be a new kind of religion. The emphasis will be on the cult of me and on a cult of fun. As long as it's an inclusive rockin' party there won't be too many rules. In fact at the end of every service parishioners will point the bottoms of their bare feet at each other and at me. On special Church of Dana holidays we will do the same thing with genitals. It's a religion. It's a cult. It's a party. It's the Church of Dana.

A Church of Dana is going to be formed. An opportunity for you to worship me and to see naked women passing the collection plates. Tranny skywriting postcards, plush Noi teddy bears in silver flightsuits, plastic C-130 Hercules transport model planes, CD's and DVD's of the All Isaan Church of Dana Choir (with grammar translations), bedsheets with my likeness (you can worship me and you can sleep with me), hymns about me so that you can sing my praises at home, collection plate dolls wearing gold waist chain and heels (dashboard or life-size), NAFAD tattoos, four volume autographed box sets of COD announcement monograph, and gift wrapped packages of US grade 60 year old military surplus cheese (tell someone with the galloping shits you love them) will all be for sale in the church gift shop (next to the open bar).

Whew . . . I don't know about you but I am exhausted. Same feeling I get after thirty minutes with Fa. But remember: this is only the 'Official open letter to all non-Thai adult male Earthlings in or out of the Kingdom– (8/8/06)'. Stay tuned on this website. A 540,000 word 72 chapter submission outlining and announcing the Church of Dana will be appearing soon. Learn to spell and sing Hallelujah because that will be your life.

See You On The Boardwalk–
Pastor Dana


Stickman's thoughts:

I'm not a religious man, so I do not feel qualified to mane any comments on this one.