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On Safari



Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

I met Phil in The Safari Bar in Patpong. We hadn’t been there in ages. It hadn’t changed. Same fat old girls, same snooty younger ones, music, same-same. It always amazes me how girls who dance half naked and sleep with foreigners for money can be snooty at the same time. Just another Thai paradox I guess.

But when you’ve been a regular at Soi Cowboy, Patpong holds little attraction. Girls dancing in bikinis or with those silly little stars covering their nipples just look a bit ‘old hat’. I realise that if you live in Alabama you might not agree but for us old, Bangkok stalwarts, we need a bit more pazzazz than that to rock our boats.

So we drank a few beers, took the piss out of some Italians (well it’s so easy) and eventually got bored enough to decide to beat a retreat to the more familiar dens of iniquity on Soi Cowboy. On the way, Phil commented on how well I drive when I’m pissed. Let’s be honest, anyone who drives around Bangkok sober must need his bumps felt. It would certainly scare the shit out of me.

So pretty soon things were back to normal, if one can use that expression when describing Soi Cowboy. Beer in one hand, naked twenty four year old Isaan princess in the other and I got that ‘gathering momentum’ feeling. I like it but I always worry how far I’ll go this time before I run out of steam. However, I try not to worry so much that it spoils the mood.

Phil’s wife was away upcountry at that moment and I swear I saw the colour drain from his face when, after he mentioned a bar he knew in Pattaya I said only half in jest, “OK. Let’s go there now.” But we didn’t.

On a good night, Bangkok has got everything that Pattaya can offer, except the sea. And anyway, I was getting a bit of a throbbing sensation in the trousers department. The reason for that was called Su. The knicker-less Su was perched on my knee mesmerizing me with her pert and perfectly formed breasts. I sensed another ‘beer and sex’ adventure was about to unfold.

In truth, Su was a bit on the short side for me but she was a beauty. And anyway, they’re all the same height lying down, no?

I paid the bar and left with Su. Phil claimed he was going home and evaporated into the night.

It’s about time I invested in a small apartment in Bangkok. I’m spending a bloody fortune at the Woraburi Hotel these days. I’m never up in time for breakfast and I’m not even getting any frequent flyer points. I’ve abandoned the Rajah Hotel for my overnighters mainly because the place is so damned dirty but also because I don’t really feel safe there. When the receptionist tells you not to forget to double lock your door, it doesn’t exactly inspire you with confidence and then there are the Russians, the South Asians and the murders. Many of the girls from NEP won’t go there anyway because they are afraid of the ghosts. So the Woraburi it is, for now.

And that’s where I woke up with the delightful Su cuddling up to me the following morning. The sex was not blindingly brilliant but Su was / is a very pleasant little creature. And, if there is any such thing as bad sex, I’ve never had any.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these girls are only good for drinking and sex. What else are you going to talk to them about? I have never been interested in forming a deep and meaningful relationship with a go-go doll but Su starting talking to me in the shower and I could be mistaken but I swore she had some opinions and a sense of humour. Or maybe I was still drunk. But anyway the next thing I knew she had skillfully guided me to Robinson’s Department store because she needed a new skirt. The white one she was wearing the previous evening had picked up a stain. Surely not.

So I bought us lunch at the MK Restaurant. After that Su picked out a new skirt, some new underwear and a new pair of shoes. I could have called this expedition off at any time but I quite enjoyed buying these things for her and watching the look of sheer delight on her pretty little fizzog. It wasn’t expensive and it’s at times like this that you learn things that you always knew existed but shove to the back of your mind.

Over lunch, Su talked about some of the other girls working in her bar. She mentioned two that I knew by name. I was horrified to hear that one is only FOURTEEN years old and the other is seventeen. The seventeen year old only does ‘short time’, typically four times every night. Her father is terminally ill with cancer and this is how the medical bills are met. I have no reason to suppose that Su was making this up. The fourteen year old is just a walking tragedy. She’s probably an alcoholic and is basically homeless.

This somber mood didn’t last long and before lunch was finished Su had put her happy smiley face back on. When the shopping was finished I took her home. I gave her some cash and calculated that the whole experience had cost me about eighty quid or USD 150. “See you next time” she squealed as she grabbed her shopping and scampered off to her apartment.

I got back in the car and should have gone home or at least I should have gone to see what was happening at the office but of course, I was now ‘On Safari’ and the call of the wild needed to be answered…

I turned back into the Sukhumvit swamp and decided that one of those sloppy, oily massages was in order. I hadn’t had one of those for quite a while. I selected a place near the Emporium. I couldn’t think of a better way to waste a couple of hours. That’s half my trouble, no imagination when the bars are shut.

A very nice naked, young lady gave me an oily rub and what I call the SF&S treatment (you’ll just have to go and find out for yourself). When that was finished, I was ready for another beer. It was now after four o’clock and at least some of the bars on Soi 33 would be open.

I was now ready to tackle some seriously big game.

I let a couple of Soms, a Ning and a Da stalk me for a while but I cleverly remained on

step ahead. Around eleven though, I got careless through one too many Singhas and received a nasty mauling from Miau.

Union Hill the hunter became Union Hill the prey, again…

Union Hill

Stickman's thoughts:

I thought the Mrs. had you under house arrest?!