Readers' Submissions

Just Another Day In Paradise

  • Written by M
  • July 20th, 2006
  • 7 min read


Hi Stickman & Readers,

Thought I would put pen to paper, or at least fingers (2) to keyboard and send in a few short stories on the life of a Pattaya bar owner. I’m sure to many readers, this would be their ultimate job, running a bar full of young, sexy 20 year old Thai lovelies, well I’ve got news for you, IT IS, IT'S GREAT, but a word of advice, if you are thinking of going down this road, do your homework first, don’t go off and hand out money to the first bar you see for sale.

Before I go into the stories of this past month, I better say that I joined a big band of expats 4 weeks ago and did something that every Falang has or will do in the future – I fell off motocy, well not only me, the girlfriend fell off as well. What happened?, well it was 3:30 in the morning, just finished for another night and decided to go for a run from Jomtien to Pattaya, now GF did remark that she would rather be in bed and that “honey, it phon tok mak mak 2 minutes” (it's going to pish down rain), you crazy Falang!!

Of course coming from Scotland we know what real rain is, so off we sets, and she was right, down it came, so now coming back to Jomtien heading down the hill to the Threppasit Junction only doing around 25 km/h and the truck in front pulls to the right, by this time the road is like a river and covered in grit and sand. Then out of the gloom it appears, a bloody baht bus sitting in the middle of the road stopped, shit, I then did the one thing you are not meant to do, especially in the rain and going down hill, I grabbed a handful of front brakes, bike goes one way, we go the other.

I should add that at the time I was slightly sober!!

Anyway up we get, no harm done, and a friendly Thai runs onto the road and helps me pick up the bike, he is thanked by the GF and given the compulsory tip of 50 baht for helping crashed Falangs. (I wander if he sits there all night every night, just waiting!!!!)

So we make it home, bike looks fine, check it in the morning.

Next morning GF complains of a sore tood (backside), and I can hardly move because of sore ribs. (Note: remember this later) Now the GF is a smart cookie and tells me, “honey you maybe broke rib, nothing can help, it get better, you no die” I then went on to explain an old Scottish remedy, this being if she gave me at least 5 blowjobs per day it would help the healing process, (or at least dull the pain), she did not seem to fully believe this remedy.

I tried to explain that this remedy comes from the country that gave the world Penicillin, Television, the Telephone, the Steam Engine, the Bay City Rollers and Andy Gray, so it must be true!! (Apologies for the last 2).

“You crazy falang, let's go shopping’….

Right, where were we, so much for this being a short story, oh yes, as every bar owner will tell you, when you have family or friends over you become official taxi driver and tour guide, this is actually good, cause you can turn to your teeruk and tell her, Honey I take friends to Walking Street, I don’t want to go but they might get into trouble, I will look after them, this is ALWAYS followed by a “I won't be too long”.

On this occasion we had 2 old lads from Glasgow and an offshore friend of mine from Canada, and a few more of the mates and customers came along to watch the fun as it was their first experience of Thailand, Pattaya and Walking Street.

We get into Pattaya and set off down Covent Garden to Le Boesche Gogo, now do you ever notice that when you are walking with older guys they seem to get all the attention, we had to practically wrestle the bar girls to get the newbies down the street, it was like they had a big flashing neon light stating “first time in Pattaya”.

So in we all go to Le Boesche, obviously the ex-pats are leading the way, if you let a newbie go in first you get stuck at the door as he starts chatting up the girl holding the curtain and you are all standing outside like lemons.

For the readers that have never been in here – go, it's probably one of the best at the moment, well it was 4 weeks ago, things change fast. Upstairs is a glass floored stage with chrome handrails, on the stage are up to a dozen girls sliding around and trying to dance in the soap / foam with not a stitch on.

So we all grab our seats and notice one of the old lads (think he was in his 70s) has left us, then we see the reason why, this guy is a quick learner, he spotted an empty stool right next to the shower cubicle where the girls go when they go off stage which is in the corner of the seating area. He duly appoints himself shower doorman, at that moment with beer in one hand, shower door handle in other and 2 girls inside he had the look of the happiest man alive.

So after a few beers and a good laugh at the expressions on the new guy’s faces we set off again, we did mention stopping at Sally’s Star Bar, but decided that this might be a bit much for their first night, so eventually ended up in one of Sticks favorite Gogos, I’ll let you guess witch one……

Now we were not in the place 1 minute when the mamasan came up to me and asked if I would go onstage, (I think I have one of then faces, gullible), now not being the shy retiring type I readily agreed.

So a few minutes later a bed appears on stage and I am led down to the stage where they proceed to tie me to the bed. I don’t know why they felt this was necessary I wasn’t going any where.

So the music starts and a load of girls slide down the poles from above and start the usual dancing around me, then the open my jeans, it was at this point that the thought did occur to me that maybe I should have worn something under my jeans. But fair play to the girls they never missed a beat and started straddling me, about 5 of them from head to toe.

Then it happened, one of the more bouncy girls bounced up and down on my ribs, jeez, I was seeing stars, well at that moment I was seeing a lot more than stars as one girls had a leg either side of me face, I’m thinking Christ that’s definitely my rib broken now, I’m also thinking that’s quite nice of them giving me a free blow job (ahem simulated!!!!), all too quickly the music stops, I remember it was a Queen song, cant remember which one but do remember thinking pity it wasn’t Bohemian Rhapsody as that takes about 3 days from start to finish.

So they start to untie me from the bed, and I can’t move, they must have what the F**k, why isn’t he moving, they basically had to pull me off the bed, if only they knew the pain I was in

Right one more quick story, this is a conversation from last week with a Katoey who works close to our bar. Let’s call her Daeng.

Me – Hi Daeng, how are you tonight?

Daeng – Allo, not good, tonight I have broken heart.

Me – Oh, that’s a shame, what’s happened?

Daeng – My boyfriend, he say he come today and we get married, but he no come.

Me – Ah, you know what Falangs are like, it's still early he maybe appear in little bit.

Daeng – (With tears in eyes) I no think he come, he say he go marry me.

Me – Maybe you see him tomorrow, better go, sharp exit left..

Ten minutes later I’m at the bar talking to my mate and telling him about poor Daeng with the broken heart etc.

He starts laughing; no he says you have got it all wrong, Daeng has never actually met her ‘boyfriend” it’s a cyber space relationship.

What?

They have talk, talk and sent emails, but no meet yet, (as you can see my mate comes from Glasgow but has got pigeon Thai down to an art)….

What??

He say on email he want marry Daeng and he come today, but no come yet.

Mmmmmm….

You want another beer?

Aye, give me a Singha,

Ckok dee Khrap………

Stickman's thoughts:

You gotta laugh.