Readers' Submissions

Today I Am Dirty, Tomorrow I’ll Be Just Dirt

  • Written by Anonymous
  • June 23rd, 2006
  • 10 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

So far, I just have the title for a new submission and I don’t know what am I gonna write. Actually I have really no idea, and it’s kind of a challenge for me, but that is what a real essay is all about. You start and you don’t know where you end up, it’s like life itself. Many readers tell me, hey Statler, write another submission, but to be honest I am tired of writing how I screw Thai girls and how they screw me. And actually my private life is quite happily balanced at the moment. You will hear more about it when it has capsized again, as usual. Yesterday I saw the sentence “Today I am dirty, tomorrow I’ll be just dirt.” on the cover of a German horror movie called “Schramm.” I found out just now that they quoted an American serial killer called Carl Panzram.

When Panzram was asked by the executioner if he had any last words, he barked, "Hurry it up, you Hoosier bastard! I could kill 10 men while you're fooling around!” Lot’s of what we know about Carl Panzram was written by the Robert Stroud, the birdman of Alcatraz (famously played by Burt Lancaster), who was Panzram’s cell neighbor if I am not wrong. Well we know that Carl Panzram hated human beings. He especially hated women, because from the first sexual intercourse he got some STD and that would make him switchover to men, but of course, some men would not survive the pleasure. Ironically, to my knowledge he spared women from his rage and his murder victims were mostly men…

Now, what has this all got to do with me and how is Bangkok related? I have no idea, let’s draw the parallels. First of all, I have to confess, that I also got an STD from my first sexual intercourse, of course not HIV, but gonorrhea. My father was a businessman and when the iron curtains opened up in 1989 we flew to Moscow. I was 17 at that time and very eager to get laid for the first time. I was a bit appalled by the hookers sitting around in our hotel ‘Cosmos’ a huge 1500 room hotel which was built for the 1980 Olympics. Well, time passed and I did not find a girl. On the last evening I went to a local bowling alley with two other western guys. There I met Ruta, a student from Latvia. Somehow we ended up in my hotel room and we did it. Actually it was very nice, well I had trained for almost five years for it… However, a couple of days later back home, going to the toilet was a painful experience. When I told my good old doctor about the symptoms, he almost fainted. He was a friend of my father and could not understand how I got this already at the age of 17. Well, the treatment was very simple, an injection in the backside and some antibiotic tablets. Of course this experience did not turn me into a monster, like Carl Panzram. Maybe it made me come to Bangkok. Maybe more on that later.

Well, some people always claim that they had a bad childhood and excuse their wrong doings with their past experiences. I am not one of these people. I think I had a horrible childhood (I will spare you from details) and took heavy drugs until the age of 21. I only stopped because my best friend died of an overdose of heroin, which I bought for him because he had no money at the time and he was desperately asking me to buy it for him. I had half of the stuff. He died and I was as high as a kite. It was the best stuff I had ever taken. Well, but how could I explain this to his family? That I had a good time while he died from it? The best thing I could do was to ship myself into a kibbuz in Israel, far away from my old neighborhood and become a reasonable person. Well I am still far from being a reasonable person, but at least, I don’t take heroin anymore.

“Today I am dirty, tomorrow I’ll be just dirt.” Looking back at my life in Bangkok, I have been just dirt many times. Bangkok does strange things to a single white man. This is a man’s world here. You can have sex with four girls a day if you wish and you can have it for free. It’s hard not to go insane or become depressed. You may ask, why would one become depressed with all these beautiful girls around? Well, because one would ask, is this all what life is about? Chasing girls, changing pussy every night? Has life no other meaning? The best time to quit smoking is to start on a day with a hangover and cuffing your lungs out from the inhaled smoke from last night. Maybe the best place to overcome a sexual fixation is Bangkok and actually most men have a sexual fixation, don’t you think? Bangkok has told me many things about myself. I found out that I was not gay. I hear you laughing. Sometimes I wondered, because many people in central Europe thought I was gay. It’s not just because of the hair. I have blonde hair. So in central Europe it’s almost like a trademark of being gay. And I am not a macho type of guy, I dislike macho guys, although I hung around the 81s for quite some time. My best friend is a long time member, he is probably the coolest 81 in the world, rides around town on a bicycle. He is also a great cook. One thing you can say about these people, is that once you have their friendship and you don’t betray them, you will be their friend forever. Anyway, I am not sure if I would say the 81s are machos. Also I knew some skinheads back in my home town. I actually had great fun hanging around them, although I disliked their ideology. I thought they were quite sensitive young people, maybe a bit misguided and misunderstood. Some people, if they are very soft inside, put on a macho image. I am the opposite, I look like a soft and nice charming person, but if one messes with me I can be quite unpleasant.

Back to the story: many people thought, yeah I am this closet gay or I would not say that I am gay. Sometimes I thought maybe because homosexuality is quite a stigma in good old Europe, I would not try it. Honestly, try to be gay in a small village in Europe, that is no fun, it’s like being gay in Kansas. But then, here in Bangkok with one quarter of all men being openly gay, I never had the desire to sleep with a guy. So thank you, Bangkok for telling me that I am not gay.

What about Shemales? Well I have to admit that I tried that. I met a katoey on a job, related to media publications. We became quite close friends, but we never did anything naughty. He or better she was just a funny person to be with. Well one day, I could not contact any of my girls and I called him, because I was desperate that day. At least he looked like a women. It was not really something I would do again, but I am not unhappy about trying it. Now I know how it is and we are still friends. Sometimes you just have to try things out.

In the old days of Bangkokchat I met a guy on the net who’s pseudo was ‘Five men for one girl’ I thought that nick was quite interesting. So we met up in person. He was a very nice Jewish guy who was doing business in town. He had these bukkake fantasies. I had never even heard that word before, but I was willing to listen to what it all was about. So we decided to do it. The funny thing was that it was very easy to find a girl for such activities, and we did not recruit a professional for it, it was a normal Bkk student (whatever a normal student in Bangkok is). The hardest thing was to find the right guys to join. All kinds of psychos and weirdos were easily available, but we were very selective about who would join. Finally we found another two guys. We did it in my apartment. I was actually kind of nervous about it, but the girl took the initiative from the start and I have never in my life seen a person more sex hungry than her. She could go on for hours, but in fact she was such a tiny person. I remember two things: I was totally turned off to see naked guys in my room. The other thing I remember quite well is that after the session she wrapped herself in a towel and locked the bathroom. I mean what’s the point of that after having an orgy? This is typical Thai, and we all laughed about it. After we all went for drinks, but I never wanted to participate in such a performance again. Having sex with multiple girls is another thing. I think it is every guy’s dream.

But I once had a bi-sexual girlfriend and she constantly wanted me to get girls for her. She had a good paid job at an international company as programmer and she was very bright actually. So the (her?) pleasure became my headache. I refused to recruit any professionals; even though she asked me to do so. I was looking for normal girls who had a lesbian touch, but all the girls I could find were impolite and selfish brats. Also having two or more girls in the apartment is a nuisance. One gets a phone call, then the other one wants to shower in the middle of the night and the third one snores. No thanks. Sex with two girls should be a spontaneous thing, which happens every blue moon. For those who desperately want to try it I recommend the Eden Club. Also one has to consider the emotional triangle. It looks good on the paper, but in reality, the dream can turn into a nightmare. I am pretty much cured from these fantasies. Thank you, Bangkok.

Yes, there were times when I looked in my bathroom mirror and I just saw a piece of dirt. Sometimes I even thought, what has become of me here in Bangkok, but then I would close my submission again with my favorite quote of Henry David Thoreau’s Walden:


“There is a solid bottom everywhere. We read that the traveller asked the boy if the swamp before him had a hard bottom. The boy replied that it had. But presently the traveller's horse sank in up to the girths, and he observed to the boy, "I thought you said that this bog had a hard bottom." "So it has," answered the latter, "but you have not got half way to it yet." So it is with the bogs and quicksands of society; but he is an old boy that knows it.”


Stickman's thoughts:

You are absolutely right. Some of what we get up to in Bangkok (or Pattaya) is the sort of thing we would never even dream of (or have nightmares about) back home. This submission really does get one reflecting.