This Special BG: I Decided
I am still the young man of the previous submission.
As some readers asked me to post about the evolution of my story here it is.
The last posting was not very positive, I admit I tend to "think too much" or in other words I tend to over analyze added to that the cultural difference and the problem that arises when two persons have to communicate in a foreign language (English in this case).
Anyway, after my last submission I thought I made up my decision but it was the brain's decision and the heart decided to piss the brain off.
I sent her a stupid email and I am quite ashamed of it as a friend told me that he stopped writing these kind of letters/emails when he reached the age of 25…….
Here follows her reply:
– —————————- Hi!
The old experienced with my ex-boyfriend and because of my job right now can not make me love someone so easy like that there must need time, the past gave me such a painful and I don't really to be hurt again and again because it was too much for me to handle it and now all I can think about is to work only and meantime to look for someone as well but to stay with someone and move with them in next 2-3 years I will think about settle down with someone who I know for long time and do understand me just the way I am quite well.
I do like you and want to see you again in July but please don't expect me to love you by now, and what thing have drive you to think like that or you hear some jealous news again. When you hear something you should listen by50% and don't trust them all and you are not a kid and you are adult so be grow up!!
I am so get sick of a bad gossip stuffs and all the girls jealous and all the bad information and all the over panic of you.
I do not post her SMS message as it is really straight to the point. My first thought was that it is refreshing to read such honest things. Then, I had absolutely to cool my head or I would get mad.
The day after, she messaged me and I stupidly answered…….
Then I became angry, totally furious reading her messages, sure the analysing part of my brain told me that I maybe misunderstood as my English is not very good and hers too but I asked myself: Is she trying to milk me like a cow? She was not asking for money but we were talking about money issues.
I asked stick once more to make an investigation, I mean I did not doubt she was lying but I wanted another opinion about her from someone who is not blind due to excessive feelings.
I did not email or messaged her the day after. She messaged me asking me if I had a problem with her. I said yes but that I did not want to tell her right now as I may be too aggressive and not nice at all and so I would hurt her.
– ———————– can u tell me please, what have I do to make u upset on me and I am sorry for that and hope u would forgive me for thing I don't know what I did to u
– ——————— Quite typical answer on her part but I felt I had to give her an answer or she would have called me to tell her…..
I told her what I felt was wrong with her, I tried not to be rude.
Her very long message
– ——————- I am not upset u at all or sad and I have to thank u for telling me the true and I am so proud in u so much and I may explain at things u upset me, at first about barfine and stay in BKK. I want to go with u to Europe and I've never been there before and I trust to go with u but I think if we stay in Thailand would be more cheaper than travel in Europe as it cost u a lot so I want to save u money but if u don't mind high cost the its up to u, but stay in Thailand or in Europe we still together. About learning Dutch and German because u speak Dutch and in long term if we're have relation together so I want to speak it so we can get more close. And learning German because I want to learn it for long time already and my work need to use it sometimes. And I always have very good feeling to u and I think I like u more than before a lot a lot now, miss u.
Damn, this is the first time she told me something sweet like "miss u". She never asked for money, never told me "I love you", admitted she was not in love but just liked me but that maybe love could grow up. We exchanged a lot more messages this day and she arrived late at the bar so stickman had to wait for her……..to continue his investigation. The day after, I received an email from stickman and it was kind of strange and even him did not understand her behaviour of the night. Me, I understood it quite well I think and I was kind of proud of her. (even if she wanted to bed the investigator but he is a nice man in her eyes).
Then, I decided to let my heart guide me, no more "thinking too much" and I will do my best to make it work and see if we have a possibility to go further. Will be there in July and I hope it will not be the last time we meet. My heart tells me she could be the one, but I will have to be (like an expat said) a rock for her. I will have to secure her about her life and her future and I will have to stop "speaking and thinking too much".
I am making the big step forward in the unknown but I can not doubt anymore.