The Young Man’s Ego

A young western male comes to Thailand. He has no previous knowledge of Thailand or its people. He is amazed at the beautiful women he sees before his eyes. They are so young and friendly. He is shy at first to be pulled into a bar and getting felt up,
but quickly adapts. He begins to notice that a lot of old ugly, fat men are also familiar with these young girls. A problem arises. The young man was previously under the assumption that these women were interested in him because he was a novelty
and very handsome. The illusion has now faded away. These older men stumble around drunk and grope the young women. The young man is embarrassed. Why do the women work in these bars and sell themselves to old, drunk fat men? For money? Are the
men predators? Have they no shame? The young man pays his bill and a beautiful girl hugs him good-bye and rubs her breasts on him as he leaves. He goes back to his hotel and masturbates. He lays in bed contemplating. If he was an old man, wouldn't
he want to sleep with hot young girls? Can he blame the men? Is lust and sex just a despicable part of being a human being? What about love? How can a man have a meaningful relationship when the pleasures of the flesh are so readily available.
And how about the girls? What a shitty hand they were dealt, and what lucky bastards the old, fat, ugly Western men were to have been born with white skin. But it is not their fault that Thai women are poor. What are they supposed to do? Certainly,
the young man had studied Communism enough to know it was bullshit and their had to be a rich and a poor. What about his shoes? Were they put together by these girl's brothers in a dimly lit factory? The young man felt a great deal of guilt
and shame as he lay in his hotel bed. He also thought of the way the beautiful Thai girls breasts felt on his arm and her perfume and her broken English which rang in his ears like exotic poetry.

He woke up the next day and went sightseeing. He couldn't believe how beautiful Asian women looked in their university uniforms. He approached a few of them and asked them to lunch. Their English was not that great and communication
was difficult. They were older than him, but he thought they looked so young. Still, they lived with their parents and could not go out at night alone. He did not want to return to his hotel room so early. He wandered around the tourist night
market, and soon he found himself back in the bar. Certainly, this was not his plan, but the beautiful girls grabbing him in the doorway didn't leave him much room to object.

He spotted a girl dancing and he wanted her more then anything he had ever wanted in his life. He bought her drink after drink and drank beer after beer himself. He paid the bar fine and took her back to his hotel. He had fallen in love.
He had a disposable camera and they took snap shots of each other. He asked himself how he could rescue her from working in such a horrible place? When they arrived back in his hotel room, everything seemed to change. His angle looked slightly
different than she did on stage in the dim lights. Her skin was fairly dark and she seemed shorter and thinner. Her eyes looked tired and sad. He decided that it would be wrong of him to sleep with her. It just wasn't right. He told her that
he felt sick, and that they could just watch TV. They did for a while and eventually fell asleep. When they woke up, the young man checked out with her and his small backpack with all his life possessions. He felt bad for her, and he felt guilty.
He took 2,000 baht out of his pocket and gave it to her. She didn't hesitate in taking it like he expected a sweet angel like her to do. Well, he told himself, she is desperate for money. They said their goodbyes and went in opposite directions.
He stopped in a 7 Eleven to buy a bottle of water and some Tylenol because he was getting sick, perhaps a nervous breakdown. For a moment, he thought about running back and trying to find her. But what did he want to say to her? He took the camera
out of his pocket and threw it in a garbage can. He tried to stop thinking about her. He even regretted giving her the money.

That night he felt sick. He definitely had a fever and felt as though with each step that he was disappearing. After a shower, he felt better for a moment and decided to take a walk. He knew that he wanted to go back into a bar. He walked
by and when the girls grabbed him he pretended like he wasn't interested but allowed them to take him inside. He watched the girls dancing. They came to sit with him, but he was already sick of talking to

them. He was sick of the same dumb questions. What did he want? Would he allow himself to do what he wanted? Was what what he wanted even here? Or was this place just a dim lited illusion. A place that one could not spend a second in sober because they
would realize the truth? A waitress passed that looked young and beautiful. He talked to her and asked her to go with him. She agreed. He took her back to his hotel. This time, the girl looked as beautiful in a well lit room as she did in the
pink lights. So he did her.

Stickman's thoughts:

Is that a small excerpt from your personal memoirs?!