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Cry Freedom



In a rather disturbing turn of events this week, one of Bangkok’s most colourful expats fell fowl of his Mia Luang and sparked a controversy that shows no signs of abating any time soon. The political fall out from her ensuing actions has been felt around the western world and there have been emotional outbursts in Soi 4, Patpong and Soi 33. Mobile phone lines have been jammed by bar girls calling each other with offers of moral support and grim expressions replaced normally radiant smiles as the news spread around the go-go bars.

An embassy official who asked to remain anonymous tried to shed light on this rapidly developing story by issuing the following statement.

-STATEMENT-

Currently, Mr. Union Hill is under house arrest at an undisclosed address on the outskirts of Bangkok. His confinement is subject to strict conditions as defined in an emergency charter issued by ‘She Who Is To Be Obeyed’ or SWITBO, for short.

It appears that his ‘crime’ had been to go out drinking with his mates, chasing women and generally have a good time around the nightlife scene in Bangkok.

Following a recent dalliance in Pattaya, SWITBO declared war on her husband’s infidelity and launched a vicious crackdown designed to eradicate this type of behaviour from Thailand, permanently. The consequences of this crackdown are expected to be far-reaching. Questions regarding the legality of such a crackdown are sure to be raised in the House but so far the authorities have refused to comment, describing it as a private matter.

SWITBO has agreed to allow her husband out in the morning to go to work (after all, No Money……, you know the drill) but he must be back inside the estate grounds before dark. SWITBO is toying with the idea of hiring a Private Driver to ensure there is no deviation from the Conditions of Confinement (CC) but for the moment, Union Hill is still allowed to drive himself around during the hours of daylight. He accepts that his daytime movements are probably under surveillance.

The penalty for any further indiscretion or non-compliance with the Conditions of Confinement is unspecified but SWITBO has put an intimidating array of garden implements on display in the tool shed and invited the Thai press to photograph them. These implements include a hedge trimmer, a pair of pruning shears, a hoe and a bow saw. It is unclear if this is intended as some kind of veiled threat, or an invitation from SWITBO for her husband to learn how to use these things. Either way, Mr. Hill is giving the tool shed a very wide berth. One can only imagine the mental anguish he is having to endure living next to these implements of torture.

Sources close to Mr. Hill revealed that in spite of the mental and physical strain, Union Hill remains positive and in good spirits.

The source went on to say, “Fortunately, there’s plenty of football on the box at the moment to help him wile away the time and there is a supply of Heineken in the storeroom which could last a few weeks if it is carefully managed”.

“The real test will come after the World Cup has finished” she said “But we hope to have this matter fully resolved by then and hopefully things will have returned to normal”.

The source went on to say that incase legal and diplomatic means failed other precautionary measures were being taken in hand by Mr. Hill’s supporters.

“An Escape Committee (EC) has been formed and its inaugural meeting is due to convene on Thursday afternoon in a downtown Bangkok bar. Subsequent meetings will be held every four days. Different locations will be selected for security reasons. I can’t tell you where the Escape Committee will be holding its meetings because disclosing that information would play into the hands of SWITBO but there are various venues under consideration such as Victoria’s Secret, Emmanuelle and Darling. Top of the agenda is the establishment of a ‘safe house’. A condo building on Rama 3 has already been identified for this purpose. It is hoped that a jailbreak does not become necessary but that very much depends on SWITBO. We are not ruling out anything at this stage”, concluded the source.

On the diplomatic front a popular campaign is also gathering momentum.

‘Free Union Hill’ Campaign manager, Khun Nam Neamtheong told local reporters this morning that she could mobilize thousands in support of the campaign and urged SWITBO to reconsider her position adding that there was more than one person’s interests at stake here.

She went on to say, ‘Free Union Hill’ and ‘Union Hill Is Innocent’ baseball caps are in production at the moment and will be available throughout the city within a week. They would be available nationwide by the end of the month. The campaign is expected to garner worldwide support and is aimed at securing his unconditional release by peaceful means”.

We urge all parties involved to be patient and await the outcome of the extremely delicate negotiations, which are on going. The embassy is doing everything it can to help bring this matter to a speedy and satisfactory conclusion.

SWITBO was unavailable for comment when this report went to press.

-END OF STATEMENT-

Stickman's thoughts:

A very enjoyable read!