Stickman Readers' Submissions May 22nd, 2006

Phuket Simulator

By PhuketSim™

Welcome !

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Sawat dee ka, farang! Congratulations on purchasing PhuketSim™, a real-time simulation that lets you experience the thrills and spills of a one-week vacation on Phuket. You need to keep a close eye on beer consumption, pushy bargirls, sun exposure, incoming tsunamis, traffic and deceiving katoeys. Increase your score by picking up girls in Patong’s Banana Disco or in one of the many sois in Bangla road. Avoid ugly scenes of jealous "girlfriends" on the dance floor and stay away from menstruating freelancers. Keep up with deleting angry text messages and always check your condom quota. PhuketSim™ guarantees days of fun and excitement at a very competitive price.


Insert the PhuketSim™ CD in your CD drive and follow the setup program

Character configuration

In the beginning of the game you can choose your basic outfit, including clothes, shoes and jewelry. Try to get some classy trousers, a tight shirt and a pair of decent shoes. Do NOT try to dress like Japanese tourists! Wearing slippers in the disco is a guaranteed way not getting laid. You may choose to wear a fake Breitling right from the start or buy it later on the street. Be careful not to overpay and check for scratches and other shortcomings. Be aware that wearing a flashy time-piece will trigger constant exclamations like "You look cool man" or "Rolex ? Breitling?" from salespeople, which will increase your annoyance level.

The arrival

After arrival in Patong look for a good place to stay. Consider price and distance to Bangla road. Also make sure there’s no extra fee involved for visiting guests. Good hotels or guest houses feature supportive desk clerks who cheer you up with a big smile, asking "No lady?", should you ever return alone one night.

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Getting around Patong

The preferred method of transport in Patong is walking. If you chose your accommodation in the center, walking distances are usually short and you don’t use up too much energy. While walking on beach road, keep your focus always away from merchants’ faces. Ignore tuktuk drivers altogether. Alternatively you can increase your score by inquiring them about the fare to the airport. Enjoy watching a 2-3 drivers vigorously competing for you as a customer, while you only wanted to know the price… for the fun of it. Never touch any of the "hey, just shake hands" people. They are suspected to be transmitters of nasty infectious diseases. Your health level may subsequently decrease.


Always look at both sides when crossing the street. Watch out for elephants. In case you’ve already acquired a weapon, you can shoot the elephant for extra points. A popular form of urban transportation in Thailand are motor scooters. You can rent them everywhere for the price of two beers. Refuelling is easy: big public petrol stations as well as private backyard stations can be found all around the island. If you have a vacuum pump in your inventory you can also transfer fuel from other bikes, which will gain you extra points and street cred. While in scooter mode try to overtake other vehicles from both sides, alternatingly. Never under any circumstance use the indicator! Indicators are gay and their usage will cost you valuable coolness points. On some roads regular police controls are conducted, so keep your license in your inventory while on the street. Police officers may try to deceive you by saying things like "this not your name on license". Verbal or physical aggression is not appropriate here. In most instances the officer will hand you back your license saying "judd joking". Don’t confuse police officers with ladyboys hanging around police controls. They will jump in front of your bike stretching out their hands yelling "stop!!". You’re instinctive reaction will be the right one: Run them over with your bike before they take advantage of you. Mind the nearby police officers.


Before going out at night you should treat yourself with a massage. A traditional Thai massage will increase your health by 10 points, an oil massage by 20 points. An additional 20 points are added to the score if the lady tries to mount you.

Get some food prior to hitting the road. A small Thai dish will be sufficient. You’ll get enough additional calories from Singha and tiger beer. The time between dinner and disco is tricky. You may use the in-built fast forward function, or alternatively hang out in Soi Gonzo for a game of four-in-a-row. Be careful: Two man-years of work went into the accurate modelling of the playing abilities of an average bargirl. Should you win, your respect points will drastically increase. Next, try out the ping-pong show. Try to spot the sleaziest pimp and let him take you inside the bar. Enjoy watching a chubby girl squeezing eggs out of her pussy. The arousal level will be minimal and comparable to watching someone take a dump, but you can motivate the girl and hope the egg falls into the glass. 5 extra points. Don’t pay any tips or 10 points will be subtracted.

At 11 it’s time to go to the Banana disco. The dance floor will steadily fill with people until it’s packed at 12. Here you’ll find a completely mixed population with westerners as well as groups of Koreans, Japanese and the sporadic Chinese. Although also many Thai girls hang out here, you should now focus your attention on other nationalities. Don’t try to bother the Koreans, they don’t like you. Japanese are out of question due to in their weird pyjama-like outfit. You may have spotted some hot Russian blondes, which would be a good choice. However a simple "privet" will not get you very far. There are some other nationalities to choose from, but avoid Americans who are too fat or English who are too drunk.

At 1 relocate to Tiger disco. Although the entrance coupons are only valid for beers, hundreds of willing Thais will compensate for it. You can get yourself a girl straight away or wait a while. If you manage to stay alone for more than 90 min you’ll be awarded an extra 100 coolness points. Note however that this is exceedingly difficult as you will be constantly dragged by girls from all sides. Some reckless ones will even push their friends towards you. Try to dodge them by quickly moving aside so they stumble into the void. 20 extra points. After about 2 hours showing yourself without a girl your market value will have increased by 100%. Find the most beautiful girl in the room (let’s call her Tittiporn), do the usual ritual and take her home. If she stays over night, 200 points extra. If you don’t pay in the morning, 300 points. If the girl gets too clingy, pay her until she leaves. In case you take her as your ‚girlfriend’ make sure you feed her at least once a day and satisfy her sexual desires. If you mistakenly took home a Katoey, minus 500 points, or if you did the deed – game over.

Managing several girls at once

After a couple of days you’ll have accumulated a significant amount of women and chances are big you’ll meet 1..n on the dance floor while you’re having fun with a new one. Things are even trickier if one of them is your ‚girlfriend’. Apart from having to hide in some remote corners in Tiger, you’ll also have to come up with creative answers to text messages like "where u now?". Try something like "I’m tired from my trip to Phi Phi, will go to bed early" and switch off your mobile phone. Depending on your skills you’ll get away with it, otherwise be prepared that Tittiporn will write you an angry message like "I thought you night guy. I hope never see you again." Delete the message immediately.

Now have fun playing with PhuketSim™

Known bugs & issues

– The signboard of the ‚Warm water divers’ says ‚Charming divers’.

– The travel agent near the golden beach resort mistakenly sells his sister, instead of his sister’s apartments.

Stickman's thoughts:

No comments today, too busy, sorry.

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