Readers' Submissions

Incountry #11



Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

Since I am on a kid kick I thought I might as well tell you all about my adopted daughter.

She is from Chiang Mai and tall, light complexion, braces, a University student from a wealthy Thai family. She is 20 years old and has a good singing voice and a lovely, if very slim body. Her name is Nung.

I didn’t adopt Nung, she adopted me.

Why Nung wants to hang around with a 60 year old Farang I have not figured out. She and Princess get along well but I doubt if she would be here if it was only Princess in the equation.

She mostly pays her own way and her cellphone cost four times what mine did. She lives in the same apartment building and it’s not cheap.

One night after riding to many Red Horses I decide to take Princess on a vacation for her birthday to Pattaya and Bangkok. Since I am reading Stickman and decide to stay at the Pig and Whistle in Pattaya. Not bad actually but bring your own toilet paper. Damn, the stuff there is rough. The food was great and the staff friendly if a little curious about my comings and goings never once complained about me having four women staying in my room.

Staying on Soi 7 in Pattaya is an interesting experience as is watching the punters with the ladies having breakfast in the morning at the Pig.

I figured Pattaya would be safe since it has been a year since I was there and most of the women I had there last year would either have forgotten me or become otherwise occupied.

Our first night there was a little disconcerting. Princess had not mentioned to me that she had a close friend living in Pattaya. Tip had recently returned to the city of sin after a three year Farang marriage which left her with two new cars and a house. Not bad for a 23 year old Thai woman.

I took them to dinner and out on the town. The next morning Dik from Bangkok showed up and I took the three of them out to dinner and out on the town.

That was it for me. Something inside of me popped. I had spent a considerable amount of money entertaining everybody except Mr. Happy.

I did my best impression of a twelve year old temper tantrum and everyone knew that I was extremely unhappy.

I told the Princess she was just like a Farang and the bar ladies were ripping her off just like they ripped off Farangs and she wasn’t even getting laid in the process. I reminded her that I paid the bills and my cardinal rule “no honey, no money.” I could have stopped there but I was wound up. I started with the you have no friends routine. When you sick, who take care of you? When you want clothes, who buy? When you want to visit parents, who pays? You don’t even go to the cheap Thai hospitals, you go Farang hospital, same same Farang puying. You eat Farang food. You drink Farang Tequila. Damn woman, you are turning into a Farang. Next month you lose hair and grow pot belly just like Farang. She of course kept telling me to shut up because I was getting worse by the minute.

I finally went downstairs to the pub to cool off. An Old Speckled Hen took the edge off my anger. While at the bar a whirlwind looking vaguely like the Princess storms by me and out into the night.

A half an hour later I was engaged in conversation with two older likeable Brits about politics and bargirls when the Princess makes her grand re-entrance. And she is not alone. In tow she has two ravishing creatures with hardly any clothes on. Slightly drunk they dance into the bar with some remnants of Thai folk music playing in their heads.

She moves with her contingent straight to my seat and requests very loudly, CHECK BIN KA.” The bill comes in seconds and she takes out her purse and throws 300 baht on the bar and turns to the nice English gentleman and says, “Sorry Kelly not talk you now. Kelly ow boom boom.”

With that one grabs my beer and the other two me and we head upstairs to our room. I have to give her credit. She is not a feint little flower. She never uses a feather when a sledgehammer will do.

The next morning was not easy. Absolutely the only reason I got up before noon was the thought of the sausages, tomatoes, eggs, baked beans and bacon for breakfast.

That night was more of the same. Princess had her two friends and made sure I had at least two to keep me occupied and not constantly questioning the cash flowing out of my wallet and into the entertainment venues in the pearl by the sea, Pattaya.

I was ready to skip town. Calling my usual hotel in Bangkok I found it booked so Princess called a long time friend who booked us a room at the hotel she manages. I was skeptical because of its location on Soi 7. It seemed too close to Club Eden. I have never been to club Eden (why pay for what I get every night) but I had heard that Eden was using the hotel next door for its activities.

I tried to communicate this to Princess but her response was, “You want Club Eden? No problem.” “No, that’s not what I meant dear, we have whips and things in suitcase.”

It was a difficult thing to communicate. I said, “I think it is a short time hotel.”

She said, “Yes, so?”

Where do you go from there? I went along with the plan. 800 baht for the cab from Pattaya to Bangkok and the driver tells me he wants a 200 baht tip. That was fun. I told him I am not a Farang, I am crocodile farmer from Pichit. And would he ask a crocodile farmer from Pichit for a 200 baht tip. While he was thinking about that we made our getaway to the hotel.

The first thing I noticed upon entering the hotel lobby was the smell of good cigars. I smelled Cuban. There was a small bar with decent Cognac and a bald French guy sitting on the couch, obviously the owner.

Princess’s friend started crying and hugging Princess and they wanted to show me the room but I was concentrating on the large humidor and the cigar room and noting that my favorite cigar in the world was only 300 baht.

I checked in and the girls went upstairs to get situated.

I had a cigar, a little Cognac and just mellowed out.

The lady behind the bar cut the tip of the cigar and brought me wooden matches and helped me light the small treasure.

I was in a euphoric state of bliss.

The girls came downstairs and we went to Gulliver’s where I had a filet wrapped in bacon. It was edible but white like veal and about the same size as a large cow tenderloin. I really don’t know what it was but the French fries were good.

We then made the mandatory stop at Voodoo in Nana. I know everyone who works there, and you would think that they would cut me a little slack. Nope. They hustle me just like any other dumb Farang. Maybe even more so. I buy a fifth of Thai whiskey, 500 baht and pour everyone I know drinks and the darn waitresses are still hustling me for cokes at some God awful lady drink price.

Voodoo tripped my trigger again and I had another adolescent hissy fit. Damnit woman, you are getting hustled again. 2,000 baht for drinks in two hours. And don’t hook me up with any of these ladies because I have been there and done that and there are more starfish here than in the Indian ocean. <That's a GREAT line!Stick>

She is up to the challenge. That’s why I love her.

We trot up to Sexy Night and she announces upon entering in a loud voice, “I horny, I want a lesbian.”

This narrows the field considerably. Sexy Night ain’t much but there a couple of women there who seem up for just about anything.

Later that evening I finally see the hotel room. It has a mirrored ceiling and one big bed and a TV with a video player. I say, “Princess, there is no chair, there is no table, there is no balcony!”

She responds, “take off clothes, take shower and get on bed you crazy man.” This answer, of course makes perfect sense to me and I comply as the two ladies frolic around my reclined figure.

By four AM we are asleep when there comes a knock on the door. The girls are passed out so I answer the door. It is my 20 year old Hi-So adopted daughter fresh off of the train from Chiang Mai come to visit.

Nung has never seen a hooker, let alone a short time hotel room. I know this is going to be an interesting experience.

I get her settled in bed in her granny nightgown and I now have Princess, a lesbian from Nana and my Hi-So uni student in a king size bed with a mirrored ceiling.

There are perhaps better places in the world for a man to live than Thailand. But somehow at the moment the names of those places escapes me.

The French hotel owner is going to get a kick out of us in the morning.

Eventually my entourage wakes up. Cheery as usual I ask where for breakfast. The Nana girl suggests the Beer Garden. Princess is up for that and Nung, like a wide eyed Barby doll, nods her head.

So Kelly bluebeard follows along.

Breakfast was interesting for the uni student from Chiang Mai. I was trying to imagine what was going through her head. Her eyes were as big as saucers.

After some minor shopping we decide on the Cathouse for drinks and Nung sees Nana Plaza for the first time. I am laughing so hard at her questions about the people passing by that I manage to forget about my expenditures for the past couple of days.

An hour later it is my turn to be surprised. A large new BMW pulls up outside Nana and a good looking young man dressed in a suit steps out and begins waving at us. Nung waves back. I ask her, “who the heck is that?”

She responds casually “oh that my doctor friend, he want to give Honda Jazz for present. We go out dinner tonight.”

Nung skips down the stairs at Nana to her waiting date.

Just when I think I have things figured out a Thai moment happens. I was actually worried about the young woman and the impressions she might be getting about the big city. She has everything under control even at 20. I should have known.

Not long after Nung leaves the girlfriend of Princess who manages the short time hotel, Dip, arrives and old home week begins. The girls are drinking heavily because Dip is crying about her Farang boyfriend who she has not heard from in a month and wants me to explain to her why he has lost interest in her.

Next stop is Foodland where we buy enough food and booze for 50 people and head back to the short time hotel.

We are of course joined on my king-sized bed by the front desk girls and I have spilled beer, booze and fried insects all over my bed. About two in the morning the party going fine Nung shows up from her date. Anxiously I ask her about her date. She says, “Pa, doctor man want boom boom me.”

“Well? Did you?”

“Maybe have Honda Jazz I kiss him little bit but no boom boom him crazy man.”

I don’t think I am being hardcore but I really don’t worry too much about Thai women being taken advantage of.

The next day is Princess's sixth birthday party this week and apparently the big one. She won’t tell me where it is or who is coming but from my incredible ability with the Thai language I have determined it is either at the headquarters of the 32nd Thai Airborne Division or at a brothel with whips and chains (who says I don’t speak that well?)

To prevent me from jumping out the window Princess has told me the rest of the vacation is on her including the big birthday bash.

I finally get to sleep my feet resting in a little puddle of Leo beer.

The revelers begin to arrive at noon and we take a small flotilla of taxis to a small restaurant close to the airport. The restaurant is populated with men from the 32nd Thai Airborne Division and girls from a brothel that use whips and chains along with her other friends including, one research doctor, a banker, a loan shark a bevy people from all walks of life, Hi-So, Low-So and No-So. Kids and old people.

There is a band and a karaoke system and an incredible amount of inedible jungle food. There is the parts of chicken that no right-minded person would eat soup. There is the raw marinated pork that looks cooked but isn’t. There is the parts of the pig stew. There is the usual whole fish with so many peppers as to make it totally inedible BBQ.

Why do I always get the babies and dogs and drunk Thai guys at these kind of parties? I am holding two kids who appear to be about six weeks old, a dog is asleep on my feet and there is a drunk Thai guy sitting next to me singing to me. At least no-one is asking me for money and she is having one hell of a party.

Thankfully the 10,000 watt amps and spotlights blow the power around midnight and the party slides to a quiet if completely inebriated end.

God save the King and a happy birthday to everyone who has a birthday. I am going back to Chiang Mai and it will be at least a year before I do this again.

Stickman's thoughts:

There were so many strange characters in that story that I was half expecting Dana to make a grand entrance at some point.