Readers' Submissions

If It Waddles Like A Duck…

  • Written by Anonymous
  • May 13th, 2006
  • 8 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By Long Timer

There seems to be some confusion about what constitutes a sex tourist so I thought it might be helpful to set the record straight.

The clue is in the name. Sex. And tourist. If you come to Thailand and pay to have sex, then you are a sex tourist. End of story.

So let's not have any more 'I'm not a regular sex tourist but….' postings shall we? Let's be honest. If it waddles like a duck and it quacks like a duck then it's a duck.

And no more bollocks like: ‘I am not the conventional sex tourist but rather a great fan of the country, its climate and its people in general. Of course I have never been adverse to the charm and beauty of Thai females. The only difference to many other of my brethren is that I am extremely fussy as to the quality of available partners.’ Right, so you’re not a sex tourist. Just a fussy sex tourist?

It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, fit as a butcher’s dog or have a colostomy bag strapped to your waist. If you come here and pay for sex then you are a sex tourist. Embrace it, proclaim it, but please, don’t insult our intelligence by trying to deny it.

What’s sparked this tirade? I think it was the guy who proudly boasts to have been coming to Thailand for thirty years, almost always to Pattaya, who wants us to believe that he comes here for the temples and the climate. Err, no mate. You’re a sex tourist. And when you brought your son here to get laid, you became a procurer and he became a sex tourist.

What really annoys me are the sex tourists who object to paying the rising prices. Excuse me? You’re baulking at paying twenty quid to sleep with a girl half your age? A girl who wouldn’t look at you twice in England? Mate, if you’re unhappy, go back to England and give your right hand some exercise. Take your son with you, too.

Most of the sex tourists who are here are here because it’s cheap. All this ‘I love Thai girls’ is crap. I’m sorry, but it is. If Thai girls charged a thousand quid for sex and Eskimo girls charged £10 then there’d be a flood of sex tourists buying igloos for their ‘teeracks’. Sex tourists come here for cheap sex. End of story. If they had real money they’d pay for sex with Thai girls back in the UK. Why don’t they? Because they can’t afford it, that’s why.

That’s the main thing that annoys me about the bulk of the sex tourists that come to Thailand. Generally they are guys without much money. Whelk-sellers from Scunthorpe, fork-lift truck drivers from Durham, mobile phone salesmen from Nottingham. They can’t get laid for free and they can’t afford to pay for sex in the UK, so they come here.

You don’t have to fly to Thailand to have sex with Thai girls. There are plenty of Thai hookers in the UK. Thousands, I’d say, and I don’t mean the ones that have married the whelk-sellers, fork-lift truck drivers and mobile phone salesmen. I mean working hookers. In the provinces they charge £100 an hour, in London it’s £150 an hour and more. An all-nighter with a gorgeous Thai hooker in London will cost you £1000. Maybe less if you’re a regular.

I can hear the sharp intakes of breath from across the North of England already. What? A grand? Who can afford that?

Here’s the bad news, mate. Loads of people. You might not have money, but these days lots of people do. Go to Google and put in ‘Thai’ and ‘Escort’ and ‘London’ and see what’s on offer. And look at the prices. And take it from me, those girls are working every day. Usually two or three times a day.

Not only that, but their customers are generally nice guys. Well educated, well spoken, guys the girls enjoy spending time with. Generally not with shaved heads, tattoos and earrings. Real men. And these guys don’t bother coming to Thailand to pay for sex. They get all they want back in the UK. There are guys out there paying more for a night of sex than you earn in a month. Think about that. Maybe then you’ll start to empathise with the Thai men you meet here on your sex tourism outings…

One of the things that always makes me smile is when the Cheap Charlie sex tourists complain that standards among the bargirls are falling. They’re not as customer-friendly as they used to be, and not as pretty, are common complaints

That’s a discussion I have had from time to time with my friends who’ve been here for a while. We’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that it’s more a case of us becoming jaded as the years go by.

But the one thing we all agree on is that the standards of the guys visiting Thailand have plummeted. It used to be that the guys you met in Soi Cowboy Or Nana Plaza were professionals with a good reason to be in Asia, or maybe the Middle East. They’d be in town to blow off a little steam. These guys would never quibble a bar bill or try to bargain with a bargirl. They were in town to have fun and it cost what it cost.

These days, the majority of sex tourists are on a budget, and a tight budget at that. That’s why the difference between 1,500 baht and 2,000 baht is worth arguing about. And why they’d prefer to go short-time in massage parlour than barfine a dancer.

Now the economy sections of planes leaving Heathrow are packed with guys, young and old, who aren’t very bright and who don’t have much money. Most of them would never in a million years describe themselves as sex tourists, but that’s what they are. They live in provincial towns, mainly, or on the outskirts of London, have average jobs and pull in less than twenty grand a year. They are not life’s winners, but in Thailand, for the moment at least, they can live like kings.

Ask them why they’re visiting Thailand and you’ll get the same sort of crap as you get on the CVs of guys applying for jobs out here. They love the food, the climate, the people. Yeah, right. Which is why they sweat like pigs, eat a full English breakfast every day, and talk to no one but bargirls, is it? Ask yourself, would anyone other than a sex tourist spend thirty years visiting a country and only be able to speak enough Thai to negotiate a barfine with a hooker? Or have visited just three places – Pattaya, Nana Plaza and Patong Beach? We know why they’re coming, and they know why they’re coming. They’re coming for sex because it’s easier to for them to get laid in Thailand than it is back home.

News flash from the real world. Rich, good-looking, young guys get laid all the time for free.

Rich ugly guys, young or old, get laid all the time, but end up paying for it, one way or another.

Young, good-looking guys with no money can get laid, but it’s a struggle and frankly, they don’t get the pick of the bunch.

Ugly guys with no money, young or old, have a hard time getting laid in the real world. Which is why they come to Thailand. Now the bars are full of them. Inane conversations about football or their last shags. Barely a brain cell between them. Getting into fights because someone looked at their bird. Fighting with the Thais and getting their heads kicked in. Sex tourists, one and all.

Now, the bad news for these guys is that prices in Thailand are going one way. Up. It will never again be as cheap as it is now, and by my reckoning prices are going to go up quickly.

There are precedents. I’m old enough to remember when an all-nighter in Wanchai (that’s in Hong Kong for all you sex tourists who only ever visit Pattaya) cost £100. Last time I checked it was £350 and there are plenty of guys paying that. Singapore prices have pretty much doubled over the past five years.

I’m also old enough to remember when there were no go-go bars in Nana Plaza. Just a couple of beer bars. I remember the first go-go bars setting up there. And I remember the first Japanese tourists coming and then leaving, shaking their heads. Now, as the

Honourable Stick will confirm, the Japanese are there big time and have virtually taken over some of the bars. The Japanese pay 4,000 baht and more short-time. And there are girls now who simply refuse to go with farangs. That’s going to become the norm over the next few years, trust me. And on the horizon you have millions of Chinese, who have yet to discover the joys of sex tourism. There are literally millions of guys with money in China who can’t get near a Chinese girl because the single-child policy has meant that young men now vastly outnumber women. Any guesses where they are going to be coming for sex? I reckon that within the next ten years the price of sex in Thailand will have quadrupled…and the low budget sex tourist will no longer be welcome.

So, all you cheap sex tourists out there, enjoy it while you can. But please, don’t pretend to be anything other than what you are.


Stickman's thoughts:

Shockwaves just went through the north of England. I could not disagree with anything in this submission. I really think you got it spot on. Great stuff.