Hopelessly Hopeless Part 3

If you have read and still remember my previous two submissions ("Hopelessly Hopeful" of August 27th 2005, and "Hopelessly Hopeful 2" of December 12th 2005) you might rightly wonder why you find yet another sequel under the same title here. Well, to be honest, judging by how I ended my last submission on this subject I should be surprised myself, as I didn’t expect to see things develop the way they have.

For those of you who have not read Part 1 and Part 2 of the story, it should be easy to follow this piece, yet in order to fully understand the context and for being able to see the greater picture, I would recommend you to go back and read the first parts before you move on to reading this.

Either way, if you continue reading I believe you will find yourself immersed in an emotional roller coaster ride rivalling in drama the cheesiest Latin American telenovela and the most twisted mid-afternoon soap opera. As a matter of fact, at the time when I started putting this submission together, the roller coaster was still in full swing, but finally came to an abrupt halt somewhere half along the way in the writing process. Mentioning this, you might get the wrong impression I have been in a cheerful mood to tell my story all along, yet I can assure you I was not. Just like everybody else I have my very own way of dealing with matters of the heart. Writing this submission, just as it was the case with the previous ones, served as a collecting pond for my emotions and a means of processing my thoughts. I admit to having been a bit harsh and unforgiving in my last one, so I want to try balancing my words a bit better this time. So if you are interested, bear with me and read on…

After me returning from my last trip to Thailand in early December 2005, I thought there would probably not be any further progression in my relationship to that particular little girl called Nok I had become so fond of in the second half of the bygone year. You might remember how I ended my last submission writing that I would try to distance myself from her, after her telling me she needed to draw a line and end the affair she has had with me. Despite her saying this, I never intended to completely cut ties with her, as I have never been a friend of extreme measures.

Still, I believed it would be of paramount importance for my emotional healing not to be in touch with her as much as I used to be in the previous months anymore. So I did what I had had in mind, and substantially cut down on the number of emails I wrote to her, and reduced the phone calls to maybe once in every other week. I was realistic enough to know that by doing this I would not automatically rid myself of all the feelings I had developed for her, yet I believed I could deal with the situation reasonably well in this way and at the same time move on with my life.

The first two weeks after my return were rough for me. All the memories of my trip were still fresh in my mind, and I had difficulties to adapt to life at home again. At the time of writing “Hopelessly Hopeful 2” I was partly feeling bitter and frustrated about the whole situation, which was definitely reflected in my writing style and content.

Anyway, I knew that time would heal me and eventually I would be getting back to normal. I wrote an email to Nok in which I explained my motives for not wanting to be in touch with her so much anymore. She was very sad to hear this, and actually started crying on the phone, repeatedly saying how much she was afraid of losing me. I explained to her that she had had it in her hands to keep me in her life the way she said she wanted to, and that I just didn’t think I could stand to be in the runner-up position with her boyfriend being in the pole any longer. She understood, thanked me, and apologized a million times for being so selfish.

So the last weeks of 2005 passed by without me showing so much initiative to stay in touch with her, yet her efforts to be in touch with me multiplied. As I didn't call or write much to her anymore, she suddenly started to call me several times a week. One day I found a note in my mail box telling me that there was something waiting for me to pick up at the central post office in the district where I live. It turned out to be a present from Nok, and a letter in which she bared her soul with regard to our situation. Again she said how sorry and desperate she was, and how important I was actually to her.

Around three weeks after my return, I called her and informed her about the low, but still existing likelihood of her possibly being pregnant from the time we had slept with each other without using a condom. When telling her I made sure not to give her the impression as if I was trying to push her to take a test. I merely explained to her that a friend of mine who is a doctor gave me the recommendation that in a situation as ours, in any case taking a pregnancy test would be a good idea and the right and responsible thing to do. I felt a bit awkward talking to her about it, but she took it well and thanked me for showing so much concern. She never told me whether or not she would take a test then, and I seriously doubted that she would. She told me that anyway she believed everything would be alright. Finally, when I came to see her in March now, she told me that she had actually taken a home pregnancy test after my call, which turned out to be negative.

I decided to stick with my plan of returning to Bangkok in March 2006. I thought it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense if I tried to completely cut ties with her until then, as I had already decided to meet her again upon my return to Thailand. Saying this I have to mention that she was not the only reason why I decided to return though. I never mentioned it in my previous two submissions, mainly because I believed it to be irrelevant with regard to the original story, but I have a good friend who is living in Thailand right now. He is a Greek lawyer, 27 years old, who is currently studying at Chula for his postgraduate degree. Let's call him Mike.

I met Mike many years ago on a sailing cruise through Queensland's Whitsunday Islands, and we have been in touch ever since. The story of him and his relationship to Thailand and its women is one that would actually warrant a whole series of submissions alone. Almost needless to mention, it was a girl who originally induced Mike to come to Thailand to pursue a postgraduate degree there. With that relationship of two years finally falling to pieces shortly before him arriving for his one-year stay in the Kingdom, he has not failed to have gotten himself involved with a series of girls who all, without exception, had issues of one kind or the other. His first 4 month lasting relationship quickly turned into a disaster, with his internet girl darling turning out to be madly jealous, insanely hot tempered, and trying to control every part of his life there.

After much well meant counselling from my side, in the meantime Mike is doing much better already, fortunately having broken up with that control freak and being together now with a girl who is much more balanced on the emotional side. Yet, she is a converted Christian of half a year, with all its implications. So it really does seem like my friend is incapable of meeting just a regular girl without any issues. But then again, after reading all those stories on this website, one has to wonder if there are a whole lot of those out there anyway. On the other hand, look who is talking. It's not exactly as if I was in a much better position than him. Anyway, I digress…

So with things going between me and Nok the way they had, I at least had made up my mind that I wouldn't spend the whole ten days of my vacation being around her. Spending the weekdays hanging out in Bangkok, waiting for her to come home from work in order to spend the evenings together would have been alright with me if the situation between us had been different. The way it was though, I really didn't consider this to be an option anymore. So I proposed to Mike to join me in leaving for Hong Kong for a few days during that week. I knew that Mike had had in mind to travel to Hong Kong for a long time already, and so had I, as I had heard so many good things about that place. So my plan was to stay for the first weekend in Bangkok, then fly to Macau with Air Asia on Monday, and return to Bangkok for another weekend before finally flying back home again on Sunday night.

Mike was delighted with the idea, but told me that he couldn't confirm any time soon because university hadn't provided him with the schedule for the next semester yet. At the beginning of the new year he finally told me that he wouldn't be able to accompany me after all, as he was scheduled to go to the US on a study trip to Chula's partner university there on the very Monday I had in mind to leave for Hong Kong. That study trip was later cancelled at short notice Thai style, five days before the scheduled departure date. Anyway, I stuck with my plan and booked the flight to Macau for me alone, following my prepared schedule, intending to spend 4 – 5 days there seeing something new instead of sticking around Bangkok with my friend not being there most of the time, and thinking that being around Nok for the whole ten days would probably not do me too much good on the emotional side.

Before I booked the flight however, I wrote an email to Nok, telling her among other things of my plans not to be with her in Bangkok for the full length of my stay. Primarily, I wanted to see what reaction that would evoke from her. I admit to subconsciously hoping she would ask me to stay with her, instead of going to Hong Kong, leaving her behind.

Surprisingly so, in her next email to me she never mentioned what I had told her about my plans. Disappointed in her indifference, I went ahead and booked the flights, which were actually a bargain at 85 Euros return.

Interestingly so, two weeks after me having done this, she suddenly brought up my planned trip to Hong Kong while we were talking on the phone. She asked me if I was still planning to go, and whether or not my buddy Mike would accompany me, if I went. I told her, yes I will go, and yes I have booked the flights already. I also mentioned that I was surprised that she hadn't asked me about this earlier, to which she replied she didn't think I would make my decision so quickly. She was openly disappointed about the fact that I would not stay with her for the entire length of my vacation, and tried to convince me to reconsider. Nok had been to Hong Kong before, and in any case couldn't take any leave from her job as she was still within the 6 months of probation period in her company. I told her that I had made up my mind, and explained that I would probably go by myself, as Mike had other plans with university. In the end I told her that the ticket was cheap and I could still reschedule on short notice if I wanted to, which comforted her a little. After we finished our conversation on the telephone, I sat down and wrote her a short email, pointing out my reasons for not wanting to stay with her for the entire ten days. I basically told her that I wasn't sure what that would do to me, as I still had strong feelings for her, and that for this reason I simply preferred going to Hong Kong alone rather than being around and close to her all the time. One day later she sent her reply, telling me that she understood this, but still would very much like me to stay with her the whole time…

In the following weeks I continued trying hard to move on with my life without thinking of Nok and of what we had had together. I kept myself busy with my job and my studies, and even dated a girl I had gotten known to while having lunch at a Korean restaurant close to where I live. That girl, a bright and actually very attractive business university student, was the daughter of the owner of that place, and sometimes helped out in the restaurant if need be. We went out a couple of times, and I actually cooked for her at my place one night, but nothing much came out of it. As attractive, smart, and interesting as I thought she was, it just didn't feel right to me. We got along fine, but didn't really connect. With hindsight I am glad nothing came out of this either, because in the meantime I have learnt a whole lot of things about her that actually put me off significantly. She seems to be living on a different planet, and I am not talking about the "men are from Mars and women are from Venus" thing. It's just that her way of life and her attitude do not match mine at all, so looking at her from this perspective she just doesn't interest me, neither romantically, nor sexually. For me, sex is very much a mental thing. I wouldn’t say that I have to be madly in love with a girl to have sex with her, but I definitely need to feel some kind of a connection and familiarity. With that Korean chick, I never felt any of that. I guess if I had taken my chances and made a move on her, she wouldn't have pushed me away. Still, I don't regret not having done so. I just trusted my gut feeling, and anyway I am not much into one-night-stands. We are still in touch, and even though I wouldn't call her a close friend, I sometimes enjoy talking to her or going out with her. Either way, I cannot deny that the fact that Nok was still so strongly on my mind inhibited me to pursue this any further too. Actually it's quite absurd that I would have second thoughts about engaging with another girl while she has been together with another guy all along, and I had never been much more than her affair.

And this was exactly the point actually…

On my last day of being with her in December, I had asked Nok when her boyfriend would come to see her in Bangkok next time. To this she replied he had said he would come to see her around New Year's, but she wasn't sure if he would manage that. So pretty much every time when I phoned her throughout the next few weeks I expected him to have arrived finally. Every time when she didn't pick up the phone or the line was busy when I was calling those unpleasant thoughts and suspicions flooded my brain that he must have had finally arrived, and she couldn't talk to me because he was around. At times this really was a sickening feeling, yet I did tolerate it because I knew either way it was unavoidable if I wanted to stay in touch with her at least until my return to Bangkok in late March.

Still, during all those weeks and months between my first visit in early December and my second visit in late March I was never really under the impression as if he was there with her at any time. Sure, at times it was difficult to reach Nok, and sometimes I had to try a couple of times to get a hold on her, but usually she would be available to talk. I only remember one single time when I didn't manage to reach her and was consequently convinced that now finally the time had come for him to be there with her. I remember that moment very strongly, as it definitely threw me off balance. I am not generally a very jealous person, but the thought of them being together just gutted me. Still, I finally believed that I had been wrong, and my assumptions were not based on anything else but my imagination. As I usually called her in her late evenings, I was convinced that she was always alone as I didn't think she would be able to talk to me for an hour while lying in bed next to her boyfriend.

As you can see, I really had a rough time shaking off my feelings for her and not feel bad about the situation. You don't even have to tell me that I alone am to blame for putting myself in such a position. I am well aware of it. Either way, I accepted it. I guess I just cared too much about her to act differently.

Indirectly, the impression that her boyfriend had obviously not come to see her started me wondering if maybe things had finally gone awry between Nok and him. When Nok and I were talking, I never addressed this subject, as I was obviously not interested to discuss her boyfriend with her.

So the weeks flew by, the end of March approached, and it was time for me to return once more to the LOS.

After landing in Bangkok on an early Thursday afternoon, I called Nok from the airport, intending to tell her that I had arrived. I expected her to be at work and still would be until at least 7pm, but found out that she had actually stayed at home that day because she was feeling ill. So instead of meeting up with Mike to spend the afternoon enjoying a lazy drink or two, I took a taxi straight to her place. She had left the key card to her apartment in an envelope with the security guard in the lobby of the building, so all I had to do was pick it up and walk straight to her room. I admit, I was pretty excited in that moment as I was about to finally meet her again. She opened the door and my god she just looked as cute as ever, even though she was just wearing her pyjamas and her hair was messed up from lying in bed. Anyway, I was happy to find out that she had left most of her sick feelings behind and was starting to feel better. We hugged for a long time and sat down on the bed and started talking. I had bought a few presents that I presented her with, and she happily received them. I hadn't made as much of an effort in selecting the presents anymore nor had I spent as much money on them compared to early December, as maybe you remember Nok never cared to wear the crystal earrings I had taken along for her the last time I was here. Anyway, Nok was very appreciative to receive the sweets I had taken along for her and looked genuinely happy about seeing me again.

After I had unpacked some of my bag and taken a shower, I lied down next to her on the bed as she still felt like resting and recovering from her sick feelings. After less than 15 minutes of talking she was lying in my arms, and another 10 minutes later we were hugging each other and kissing as if it had never been any different. So much about drawing the line…

Anyway, I couldn't help it, and I definitely didn't push her to do anything she didn't feel comfortable with. It was a very nice feeling to have her so close to me again, and once more I pushed away any doubtful feelings or thoughts that might have popped up in my head for the sake of not ruining this special moment. We didn't do much anymore on that particular day, as she was still not feeling too fit and I didn't mind resting after having spent 11 hours on the plane either.

Nok was back on her job the next day, so I finally met up with my friend Mike at his apartment Friday morning. We talked for hours and went out for lunch with his new bible freak girlfriend and one of her friends. Mike had some nice stories to share and we had a good time together. Anyway, I will not bore you with the details of this.

In the midst of all this, I should mention something that I am not very proud of. As a matter of fact, I feel disgusted at myself because of it. Well, some people would argue everything is allowed in war and love…

As I have mentioned above, despite my suspicions and occasional attacks of jealousy I had come to the conclusion that her boyfriend had not come to see her since I had been with her in November. I was still wondering why that was the case, and started thinking that he might have lost his interest in pursuing this relationship any longer, but was not man enough to tell her yet. I admit so seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, feeling hopeful that maybe, just maybe he had made a quiet retreat, and I would not have to worry about him anymore. Hope is a treacherous little beast. Anyway, I should come to the point…

On the second day of me being there, while Nok was taking one of her really long showers in the morning, I went through her mobile phone. She had left it in plain sight, sitting on her desk there in the room, and I just spontaneously got up from the bed and picked it up. My hands were shaking, and I tried to hurry to navigate through the unfamiliar menu of her newish Sony Erricson phone until I found the text message folders. I browsed through the Inbox, and found heaps of messages from Thais. I didn’t bother to look at the messages any closer. All I wanted to find out about was if her boyfriend was still in the game as much as he used to be. To my disappointment, I found plenty of recent messages from him. There were lots of recent messages from me too obviously. So I looked into the “Sent Messages” folder, but didn’t find anything else interesting in it. So at last I looked at the archive folder, to see what messages she had kept in there. In it, I found one folder named after her boyfriend, with dozens of messages in it. I briefly browsed through a few of them, and what I found out hit me like a sledgehammer. He definitely had been there at the end of December, just as she had told me he would before I left in early December. My whole body suddenly started feeling like the blood was rushing through my veins at twice the speed. As far as I could take from the few messages I read, he spent around ten days with her around New Year’s! How could I not have noticed?! We talked almost every week, usually twice, and in the evenings! It’s impossible he wouldn’t have noticed if he had been around! Sure enough, as I mentioned before, there were those times when she didn’t pick up the phone when I called, and didn’t care to call me back either. Anyway, even at those times I eventually reached her some time later on the same day, usually when she was lying in bed at night! How could she do this? I couldn’t comprehend it. I remember one time when she told me on the phone how she had been watching the Godfather trilogy, which I found a little odd because even as the movie freak that I am it took me a lot of patience and persistence to sit it through. Sure thing, those are fantastic movies, but I didn’t think Nok would be the person to watch those just by herself. One of the text messages on her phone indicated that they had been watching the trilogy together, and everything made so much more sense to me all of the sudden. Of course, she never told me that he had been there to protect my feelings, but still I cannot understand how I could have missed it that he was actually there with her for that period of time…

Feeling shaken and upset by learning about this already, I looked at the other archive folders. Next to the one dedicated to her boyfriend, there was one from me, containing around 100 messages I had sent to her, some dating back to the very beginning of our “relationship” almost one year ago…

And then, there were two other folders, one named Louis and another named Francois. With the accumulated knowledge derived from having read pretty much every submission on Stick’s during the past four years, I opened those folders with suspicion and paranoia rising inside of me like a storm tide. Could this be? Could there be two other guys? Was it possible that I could have been so terribly wrong and misjudged my loved Nok so badly? Was I just another sad case on the list of many who had been deceived? I was standing there, sweating and feeling hot with rage, disappointment, and profound confusion. I don’t remember ever having felt so nervous and shaken inside in my whole life before. With all those feelings shooting into my brain, I had to be constantly watchful if Nok was about to finish her shower in order to avoid being caught red handed with her mobile in my hands. So I looked more closely at those two folders….

To be continued very soon…

Stickman's thoughts:

The old have a nosey at the mobile trick… Many girls will delete messages first, some do not…