Stickman Readers' Submissions April 5th, 2006

Where Have All The Happy Punters Gone?

By Bobias4

As a punter who has been to Thailand ten times since 1990 I feel I can speak on this subject. There has been I've noticed a very serious note creeping into the site which rather puzzles me as I reckon most of the submitters are like myself over in
LOS as tourists and have no thoughts about marrying a bar trawler, well at least I don't so I'll give you a rough idea of my agenda when I'm relaxing at the Kangaroo Bar in Patong plucking up the courage to drop the hard word on
the two barmaids there, I said maids not girls. I haven't yet and never will but the thought is tantalising.

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First up I'm single, live with my two daughters and three grand kids who I love dearly, even more when I'm over in LOS away from them. I am not overweight, I dress casually, but not like a bloody backpacker down on his heels and
shower at least three times a day.

My usual agenda is on the first day I try to attend the prayer meeting at the hotel I'm staying at around about 4 o'clock when the blokes gather around the pool to exchange a lot of misinformation, experiences and a modicum of useful
hints such as beer prices, tuktuk prices and of course girl prices. I may not be a sexpat but I do give the ferret a run if not every night.

I never ever leave valuables in my room even though I have never been ripped off by the cleaning maids. I never carry more in my wallet than I can afford to lose. It's no great hardship either, going to the safety deposit box as you
venture forth of a day or exchanging a fifty dollar note at the mobile exchange in Bangla Road, no passport needed.

After a hearty breakfast at my favourite beach café which costs me a whole 150 baht I head for the beach for a swim then to the Kanga Bar after first stopping at the Ocean Store on Bangla to buy a tube of Pringles potato chips which
my two favourite barmaids love me for as they eat most of them. A beer or two till the mobile street stall lady pulls up outside and then I'm out there buying lunch for the barmaids and myself, a whole 140 baht. Okay I'm a spendthrift
but can you big note yourself for five bucks back home or get a decent feed for that, let alone three people?

About oneish up to the paper shop, get the Bangkok Post and a Thai paper for the barmaids and settle down to read the Post over a beer or two. Whilst I am doing this any street seller flogging the latest tourist rip off, who dares bother
me is told well and truly by the barmaids they'll have their child bearing organs ripped out if they don't piss off and leave me alone. That two hundred baht big noting pays off, plus I love the smiles they give me when I do it. The
only exception is the one legged cigarette seller. I might add here I was not in the bar when some loudmouth rang the bell but those two lovely women maybe not in looks but indeed saved a Singha for me.

Getting back to commonsense. Always drink in a bar where you get a chit in the cup every time you buy a beer and pay the bill say every four beers so you don't get hit with a biggie at the end of the session. Oh and the odd Coke or juice
for the bar staff doesn't hurt I might add, nor does the 100 baht tip when you pay the final bill because of a thing called good service.

After the prayer meeting and I'm showered and changed it's time for dinner so head for some place I've found that serve a good feed without charging an arm and a leg. If I'm with a trawler she'll have a good place
in mind usually not a five star but sells real Thai food. Beware of those little saucers with the red and green round little round marbles they'd sear the throat lining of a mallee bull.

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I like to finish my night at the Tai Pan bar opposite the end of Bangla Road where one of the best pub bands I have ever heard perform. These guys dress like they searched through the dirty laundry basket to find their cleanest dirt clothes
but hell they pump out a bloody good tune. The beer is a bit dearer here but we're not taking sheep stations and you either get a chit or pay for it beer by beer. You'll fall in love with the waitress's young girls dressed in fluro
tops that look after you like you wished your ex wife had have. To walk in there to see them clapping their hands over their heads to attract you to their tables where they wait is a sight to make your night.

That is my average day in Patong, not a cultural thing and maybe not a Puritan's idea of a good time, but by observing commonsense you'll notice I did not place my life or wallet in danger.

If I take on a woman for the night I always do this when I've had dinner and am relatively sober. I'm not into taking out a young woman whose mother's milk has barely dried on their lips so I go for a older one, maybe getting
close to her '40s. So she's not a Britney

Spears but she usually has a good grasp of English and gives satisfaction. Nothing looks worse in my view than a overweight scruffy male having a young titter young enough to be his grand-daughter in tow. Oh and always sign her in the hotel so that her
ID is entered in the book if there is a rip off and you have a comeback.

So there it is a ten day escape from the real world. No sin sot, no sick buffaloes, or sister, mother, father or brother just a enjoyable time away. I've seen all the sights have met and chatted with different nationalities
and have memories that when they go to screw the lid down on my coffin my oldest daughter will look at my face and say "Heaven must be the Kangaroo Bar in Patong because that's where my dad is now".

Stickman's thoughts:

You've obviously got a routine that avoids many of the problems and scams. Such routines allows you to enjoy your holiday more.

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