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Thai Driving Licence Pattaya (A Joke) Continued

  • Written by Bagwain
  • April 1st, 2006
  • 6 min read


Monday I was to go back at 10am to repeat the fiasco of doing my driving test. I had plans to take my Teelac with me so she could translate and they could not sabotage my efforts which I half expected. A bit of fun at the Farang's expense! But alas I trick the arse holes. I didn’t go. I will enjoy the motorbike license and I will just get an International license and use it. I have been pulled over many times on my motorbike and used an expired International Driving license with no problems yet.

Even if I had wanted to go I wouldn’t have been able to, because as I mentioned in my previous post I picked up this bug from putting my snout on a metal plate for one of the tests and it was wet from the fifty or so Thais that were before me. I think back and even if I did a song and dance about that, it would have been “Mai Pen Rai” crazy Farang. Well what transpired is I got sick as a dog. Two days in a row I had nausea, fever, hot and cold flashes and not much sleep. First night I had a fever, it was about 28 degrees and I felt

that cold and I was shaking heaps, that I had to wrap myself in the doona. The second night was the opposite and I must have lost a pint of sweat.

I thought I was getting better after a day or two, so I went along to a networking night for one of the chambers of commerce. It was a good night and I had quite a few nice red wines. (I should have known better). But when the piss is rolling I am a drinking. It is funny that my feet started to ache a lot sooner than they normally do. I get home not too late and go to bed between 10 and 11 pm.

When I wake up my right hand ring finger is killing me and my feet are sore. Didn’t think much of it until late in the afternoon, when my knees started to ache, my feet started to swell and I was feeling nauseas again. I felt like shit. Bed time was early as you could imagine. But alas, I woke up in the middle of the night by the feeling that someone was trying to cut my ring finger off. Then I tried to get out of bed. To my surprise I could hardly use my legs. Shit, I thought what is happening to me. I managed to crawl out to the lounge room (I have a two room apartment, nice at 7,000 baht p/m).

Teelac wonders what is going on and comes out to help me settle on the floor. I did this so as not to spoil her night sleep, after all if I was getting close to croaking it, I want her to be fresh of mind to take me to the hospital.

What a night, when I eventually got up I was slightly better so I decided to ride the motorbike down to the hospital and get checked out. It was a hassle with only one and a quarter hands, plus swollen feet the size of soccer boots.

It was early around 7.30am, so I knew there wouldn’t be too many in the check in. I was right and my memory came back of my previous visit one year ago and how lovely those Thai nurses looked in uniform and how well you are treated. (Shame the rest of the bureaucracy doesn’t act the same way). If I had a chance I would shag just about every one I saw. (Must be the uniforms, I also live near a high school, but I only ogle, too dangerous)

The reason for the first visit was my only dose of the clap I have had in my life. I was expecting a bloody big needle and a lot of pain, having memories of my mates getting this years ago. I was surprised and thankful that you don’t feel a thing now except the razor blade pissing.

Back to the story – I get the standard blood pressure and weight test; all is fine 85kg and 130/80. Good start. Then a five minute wait (Quite different back in Oz, minimum 1 hour wait if you are lucky). Doctor asks what is wrong and I explain. Blood test is ordered to make sure it is not a virus. Test done and I am asked to come back in 45 minutes. So I take the opportunity to ride back home, have some breakfast and then go back to see what strange exotic disease I may have. To my relief I have a bacterial infection and I am prescribed antibiotics and some other stuff. This all up cost me 2350 baht. A bit expensive for Thailand but not a lot for peace of mind. Seven days of antibiotics and no grog.

Well I need a break anyway and this makes my Teelac happy as she uses the standard Thai phrase “You drink too much” and she only sees half of it. That day I am reassured in my mind that things will get better quickly and I settle into a routine. How wrong I was. By the end of the day many other parts of my body are starting too groan under swelling and pressure. I was in agony and I started to resemble the Michelin Man. With my Teelac doubling me as I can’t even use my hands, I am off to the pharmacy again to get some Voltaren. (170 baht. In Oz this stuff would cost you over 600 baht) Great stuff and it did give me some relief, however it only works for a couple of hours and you need to rub it on again. Not good for sleeping.

The next day I could hardly walk and I needed to get some invoices out the door. I cancelled what appointments I had and managed, with the help of my Teelac, to get the invoices done. I then went to the pharmacy again and got some pain killers and some anti swelling drugs. Now I remembered two tours of duty with Herbalife, I was swallowing handfuls of pills three times a day. I am starting to feel somewhat better, I feel like a beer, bugger it and I am pissed off with having to postpone everything with work. I am getting things done on the laptop though. I will say I am happy with my Teelac. (Not an ex bar girl, but she did freelance for about six weeks). She would have to be the most even keeled women I have met in my life and only 25, I am 47. She needs the occasional tune up, but she is never moody and accepts everything as it comes. I pray that it stays that way. Cheers, beers, live long and prosper.

Stickman's thoughts:

You kind of confused me here…..you got that shit from sucking on the same thing some Thai bloke sucked on?