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Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 126

  • Written by Dana
  • March 25th, 2006
  • 14 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

ODE TO THE WORD FARANG

by Dana

PROLOGUE

F is for the way you Fooled with my heart.
A is for your Ass which tore me apart.
R is for the Runaround I got from day three.
A is for you Always lying, lying to me.
N is for your little Nose, just like a teddy bear.
G is for your intentions, spun like Gold, bringing me to your lair.

What does it spell? FARANG.

The sound of a warning shot.
The chill of a ‘goodbye letter'.
Belief in something that's not . . .
Oh, she was different–she was better.

But time would have been better served;
If your heart took a break and sang–
The number of times you heard the word
Farang Farang Farang

F is for the times you Fibbed and you lied.
A is for the ‘Always' you promised till we died.
R is for the Rumble of your sexual heat.
A is for your Ass, about one foot wide.
N is for the ‘No' received when asked about boyfriends and children.
G is for Goddamn–you just called me that word agen.

FARANG LIE

"Oh, it's just a way of saying foreigner.
It doesn't mean a thing.
I love you honey bunny,
More than any thing.

But when we visit parents,
You will doubtless see–
They won't call you by name,
You only count to me!"

BARGIRLS SINGING THE FARANG SONG

"F is for the Foolish way they buy everything we ask.
A is for Asian pretending–an easy easy task.
R is for the Roof of mama's house that blew away.
A is for the Asshole that we got to pay.
N is for the Nights of fakery and sexual sigh.
G is for the Gold they buy and buy and buy.

F is for the Fools from far far away.
A is for them Always paying–paying every day.
R is for Redolent–jasmine on air.
A is for the kingdom–Always Always there!
N is for me and every Thai included–we will Never care.
G is for Gunther; my other boyfriend with the blond blond hair.

F is for the Foolish way they buy everything we ask.
A is for Asian pretending–an easy easy task.
R is for the Roof of mama's house that blew away.
A is for the Asshole that we got to pay.
N is for the Nights of fakery and sexual sigh.
G is for the Gold they buy and buy and buy."

INTRODUCTION

Learned expats expound,
That Farang is just descriptive.
But even they have found–
That Farang and Farang and Farang is very expletive

So next time they are telling and explaining Farang as neuter–
Ask them how many Smilers there are,
And how many friends they've got.
Ask them how many times Farang popped up
In the intimate loving discussion of Sin Sot.

Watch their hands and pupils,
The giveaways of lying.

Call them Farang instead of Jeff or Bob or Sam–
And see how soon you are corrected.

How soon their theory is dying.

It's Farang this and Farang that,
And give us some money.
On our deathbeds will we remember the charms of Siam?
Or FARANG I am?

F
A
R
A
N
G

What does it spell? FARANG.

The sound of a warning shot.
The chill of a ‘goodbye letter'.
Belief in something that's not.
Oh, she was different–she was better.

But time would have been better served,
If your heart took a break and sang–
The number of times you heard
FARANG FARANG FARANG

FARANG
FARANG
FARANG
It's all I ever hear.
"Honey, I think it's time–
You found someone else to call you Dear."

F is for the way you Fooled with my heart.
A is for your Ass which tore me apart.
R is for Reformed, I'm through playing the fool.
A is for All Done In–I'm through being your tool.
N is for Never, I never thought I'd say:
G is for Go honey–it's time to go somewhere else and play.

CHORUS

Farang Farang Farang:
That's all I ever hear.
Farang Farang Farang:
I think I'll have a beer.

Farang Farang Farang:
That's all I ever hear.
Farang Farang Farang;
I think I'll have another beer.

SOLILOQUY

Is this all it comes to?
Is this how it ends?
Am I only of value,
When it comes to ‘lends'?

Lends me some money?
Lends me some baht?

"I want some money Farang.
I'll surely pay you back.
I'm so desperately poor,
And you're so Farang fat."

Did I never count?

Was it all a joke?

Just another stupid Farang?

Another 'hansum man' bloke?

How can this have happened

To a nice guy

like me?

This disrespect. This abuse. This mean-spirited Thai glee?

I still don't get it.

It's hard to smile–

At people who treat me

With criminal guile.

THAI INVOCATION

"You're the Farang,
And I am not.
It's your job to pay–
And mine to smile–a lot.

So date my daughter–
I don't care.
But never forget Laid and Paid–

The rhyming pair.

They go together,
Lay and Pay.
They make me smile.

They make my day.

Take your time.
I can wait.

When you are done with one;

I've got other daughters you can date."

THE COUNTING GAME

Ever count Farangs?

Or did it occur–

That the counting would give

Interesting info for sure?

Ever count Farangs?
No, not the wanderers past Big Dog's
Or the seat warmers in Lucky Luke's–
But the number of times you hear the word?

Farang Farang Farang

Ever keep a log?

Ever do the counting

Of them calling you a dog?

Not daily or weekly or monthly–

Too much trouble to keep.

Just certain situations . . .

No need to get in too deep.

Here is an example

Of something you can try.

Don't let pride get in the way.

It's ok–you can cry.

Check into the Mothership on happy Soi 4.
Get the Skytrain to Washington Square-Number 22.
Pick up a cutie, a real whore–
Then take her to the Nana, just you two.

The traffic's right on Sukhumvit–
An easy trip for the cab.
Soi 22 to Nana Soi 4–
Ten to fifteen minutes door to door.

Sitting in the back
All excited and stiff–
Count the Farangs
As the whore and the driver go into a disrespect Thai riff.

Minute to minute
And light to light–
It's Farang this and Farang that
Through the big city blight.

Her to him
And him to her–
Trading Farangs
As if invisible you were.

You can see the future;
It's not too bright.
You withdraw your arm
And stare into the night.

Now the retrenching;
Now the regrouping starts.
You start counting Farangs
Like Thai social farts.

One, two, three–
And no mention of me.
Four, five, six–
How can these people be such dicks?

Seven and eight–
It's now too late.
Time to dump the Thai citizen–
She just doesn't rate.

Eight Farangs in fifteen minutes–
Eight insults to me.
How can they be so stupid?
Don't they know we see?

At the Nana
The driver gets no tip.
Again I have to hear
Farang–another social slip.

So it's nine Farangs now
Door to door.
She started out as my dream–
Now she's just a shabby bore.

Nine Farangs in fifteen minutes
Is enough.
This lookin' for love
Is really rough.

I'm willing to play
Fast and loose–
But nine Farangs
Is just abuse.

If your response to this

Is one of relativity–

That in other places other peoples

Have even less civility . . .

I don't really care.

Ruder than the Thais–

I don't want to go there.

The Thais are my limit

I can't handle any more.

If it wasn't for the women

I'd be headed for the door.

So if you are an apologist
For the Thai word Farang–
Start listening to the song.
How is it they sang?

Farang once?
Ok.
Farang twice?
I'm in.

Over two to me–

It's a social sin.

And you shouldn't need two hands

To count the shit you're in.

Counting Farangs
We shouldn't have to do.
Insulting others
Everyone should rue.

But it's the Kingdom you're in,
Not Boston or Leeds.
No social future–

Just disrespect seeds.

It's Farang this
And Farang that–
Out loud
And in your face.
It's a Kingdom of second-raters:
It's a real disgrace.

So next time you pick up
Your heart throb for the night–
Count the Farangs in the taxi
To gauge your plight.

One or two
Is ok–
Beyond that
Is trouble.
Best to dump the Thai insulter–
Get out on the double.

Farang is an insult.
A word full of hurt.
No compliment to you.
They are treating you like dirt.

She's earning points with the driver
By dumping on you–
She doesn't give a shit
About you two.

Listen and learn.
If they are singing the Farang tune–

It's bailout time and soon.

Gone to another.
Into the night . . .

Just ordinary social conventions please . . .

Maybe this time she'll be right.

Maybe this time she'll be sweet.

Maybe this time she'll be nice.

No Farang this and no Farang that–

And no lips of ice.

FARANG LAMENT

( Best said on a Pattaya balcony with a bottle of Johnny Walker in one hand and a Chang beer in the other hand)

I read the books
And learned the ways.
I went to class.
And smiled through all my days.

But in the end it came to nought.
The Thais are the locals
And
I am not.

The smiles were fake

But the Farang was real.

It was my job to give and the Thais to take–

That's the real deal.

You can't accuse the Thais of being

Insincere.

They meant it everytime they said it–

It couldn't have been more clear.

"Farang Farang Farang

Why don't you jump?

Farang Farang Farang

Another big nosed chump.

You're nine floor up Mr. Farang.

Out of money–

Down to your last Chang.

Jump.

We need the space.

More Farangs are coming

To take your place.

Jump.

Jump Mr. Farang.

You've bonked your last honey.

It's over now–

You're out of money.

Jump Big Nose.

We don't care.

In your humanity

We don't share."

It's curtain down–

Time to go home.

Goodbye Pattaya town–

I'm all alone.

I quess it wasn't meant to be.

Me for the Thais

And the Thais for me.

One leg over the railing.

Put down the Chang.

The last thing I'll remember

Is the word Farang.

Both legs over–

I can feel the breeze.

At last freedom–

From the need to please.

No more crying

No more pang

Go ahead Thais–shout it . . .

Farang Farang Farang

Now the final push off.

I can see the ground rushing at my face.

I can hear the Thais shouting

The final disgrace.

Farang Farang Farang

FARANG PASSION PLAY

I love the sensitive and the hip and the 'pats
That pontificate to me;
That Farang is descriptive
And offensive not to be.

Like a spider in a web
I mark the march of time.
Then the call comes–
Someone is on the line.

Now the fun starts.

I've been through this before.

A Farang passion play;

Part of the expat Farang lore.

"Hi Dana–How are you?"

"Would you like to buy some furniture?
Would you like to buy a car?
I thought of you first
Because you and me are friends we are.

I'm goin' back to England.
I'm goin' back to fog.
I'm sick of the word Farang.
I'm no better than a dog."

"Wait a minute."–I say.

"Only you and your Full Moon Party friends
Really knew the score.
You were ultra Thai hip;
And I was such a bore.

Suddenly a call.
You want my time and money?
What's the difference between you
And my lying bitch who calls me Honey Bunny?

You didn't call a hip happenin' local
In your time of need?

Why shouldn't I just sit

And watch you slowly bleed?

I wonder if your politically correct blood

Is so different than mine?

Isn't this fun–

Aren't we going to have a time?

You're in a panic to leave–

To get out broke and heartsick.

So it's settle up and settle down

And where can we get some money quick.

You're leaving

Without grieving

Because you hate being called Farang.

But when it's the panic dance

And you need some exit money–

Where's your best chance?

You call me.

Me.

A farang.

Suddenly I'm your solvent expat honey.

Farang is the word you hate

But you hope it will be your salvation.

If you can only convince me

To drive you to the station.

Now you are in trouble.

Now you are in plight.

You've got to unload your furniture and car and motorcycle

Before your London flight.

Blood is in the heart of you.

Hormones in your veins.

All you can think of is getting to Bangkok

And catching homeward planes.

Suddenly I'm in your rolodex–

One Farang to another.

"Hey, I'll pay you back–

How about some help brother?"

So I get the call.

I get the chance–

To hold hands with you

In the final Farang money dance.

Like a bargirl text messaging

Twenty foreign guys–

You've got a practised spiel;

The desperate borrower's lies.

You always liked me–

You want me to know.

Your snot nosed behavior

Was really just for show.

So lucky me . . .

I'm on the phone

With another loser

Who wants a loan.

Or if not a loan

An outright buy.

"My cars mint condition

And that's no lie."

So me Mr. Unhip

Can buy your junk.

Bail you out financially

From your personal funk.

Forgive my enthusiasm spent

But my simple mind can't figure

How you and a Thai are any dif-er-ent.

It's money for this and baht for that.

And in a year–

All you will remember is that I was a

Sucker Farang when money was dear.

Pride is telling you to go

Back to old London town.

Your too good for labeling.

Farang makes you frown.

Suddenly a call.
You want my time and money?
What's the difference between you
And every Thai who thinks I'm a dummy?

You didn't call a local
In your time of need.

Why shouldn't I just sit

And watch you bleed?

I wonder if your politically correct blood

Is so different than mine?

Isn't this fun?

Me listening to you whine?

I'm surprised your backpacker sensibility

Isn't money in the bank.

Why do you need me

To put gas in your tank?

What about your tatooed Thais

And good girls with whom you sang?

Didn't they loan you money?

Or just call you Farang?

You thought you were hip

And the locals were neat.

Farang was just a word

And every smile a sincere social feat.

Well, I had opinions too

Mr. Jackass.

Now the tables have turned–

Look what has come to pass."

Mr. Full Moon Party: "I'll sell you the car for 40,000 baht."
Me: "Sold"

Mr. Full Moon Party: "Typical expat–you're all a bunch of thieves."

Me: "I think we'll have to add your motorcycle to the deal before your plane leaves."

REFRAIN:

Farang Farang Farang
That's all I ever hear.
Farang Farang Farang
I think I'll have a beer.

Farang Farang Farang
It's a Siamese pain in the ass.
Farang Farang Farang
Someone wants me. Someone with no class.

Farang Farang Farang

It's like an anal itch.

Farang Farang Farang

A whole culture callin' me their bitch.

Farang Farang Farang

The smile first and then the insult.

A second rate nation–

What other result?

DENOUEMENT

The sound of a warning shot.
The chill of a ‘goodbye letter'.
Belief in something that's not . . .
Oh, she was different–she was better.

But time would have been better served,
If your heart took a break and sang–
The number of times you heard
FARANG FARANG FARANG

Finis

Stickman's thoughts:

Interesting piece, and no doubt a lot of work went into creating it.