Readers' Submissions

Roy’s Lament…

  • Written by Anonymous
  • March 3rd, 2006
  • 4 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok

By Roy

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Thailand, There was a maiden, called "Toy" Who just happened to have a friend, Another Isaan girl, whose name was "Noy".

Furthermore, Noy had a cousin, dark and shapely, Everyone in the village knew her as "Ploy" And admired her for being so lovely, Her beauty only exceeded by her friend, "Goy".

Well, you would not believe that this could happen, But all four girls fell in love with the same guy, "Roy". He was a farang and hailed from Bremen, That's in Germany, but he loved a girl from Isaan, "Joy".

You would not be wrong if you guessed the next, That a battle was looming over our hero, "Roy". The poor chap received a letter, written in Thai text, Stating the obvious and signed by his beloved "Joy".

Since he could not read Thai, he needed assistance, So he asked it translated by the dark and shapely "Ploy". Who told him: Joy wrote to give up your persistence, "I'm already spoken for, dear and handsome "Roy".

"Don't worry, my darling, I'm free and available for you", Whispered, eyes fluttering, the dark and shapely "Ploy". And if it so happens that I can not fit your "cue", Well, there's always my friend, "Goy" or cousin "Noy", or her friend, "Toy".

But our hero could not be consoled, heartbroken as he was, So he decided it was time to drown his sorrows in "Patpong". In he walked to the first bar with bright lights of course, And told the barmaid :"Give me your biggest bottle of Mekhong!"

One glass, soon followed by many others, making him rather drunk.

He cast his eyes around the place for someone to talk to, When suddenly this angel greeted him: "Hello, you handsome hunk!"

"My name is Oy, I'm from Loei, how about you?" Well, he looked her up and down with glazed eyes and mumbled: "I'm Roy, and I'm (g)yerman.

Whereupon, the little katoey replied with one of her big smiles: "I love you my big handsome man and I'm your WOMAN!"

"I want to make an honest woman out of you" cried "Roy" ."Will you marry me and let me take care of you till my dying day?

"Of course, I will", replied our katoey angel "Oy", from Loei. "But there's a small correction I must make without delay!"

"You must know that my real name is not "Oy", but it's "Boy" ."Really, it's only a spelling error, I'm not being coy!"

"I don't give a rats arse about your bloody name, "said "Roy" "I've had a Joy, Toy, Noy, Ploy, Goy and Oy, I might as well now have a "Boy"!



And with that, he grabbed her and off they went to consummate in "hol(e)y matrimony”
Moved to upcountry in due course and built a house on the farm, living in total harmony?

Until,6 months later, he sent an email to his Mother, asking her for money,
"Dear Mother, she kicked me out, I want to come back to Germany!"

"My sweet Boy " informed me, I'm no longer wanted "There is another spouse "He" had married before.

And her name is "Joy", yes, the same one I hunted, The one who wrote me that "she was spoken for"!

I'll never love again, She broke my heart
To make it even worse, she called me an old fart!
So I told her indignantly, I can still use my dart,
Back in Bremen I can always find another tart.

Lots of buxom frauleins, 3 score years and more
Waiting for a handsome guy, who really knows the score.
I've learned my lesson, my dear Mother, and I know what's in store
Gender bending, that's the way to go, it'll change me to the core!


SO, WHAT'S THE MORAL OF THIS TALE?
1. Most girls don't know what moral is, and just as well, otherwise they would not be able to do what they're doing.
2. Most guys going to Thailand don't give a rat's (quoting Roy) about morals, otherwise they would not go there.
3. What we have in Thailand is a perfect example of free enterprise bargaining, the cornerstone of labour market meeting a demand.
4. When you're in a drunken stupor, everything looks rosy, even the "opposite sex"
5. You always know who your mother is, but your father, that's debatable.
6. Always save up for a rainy day or for a quick exit strategy.

7. Don't buy farms in Isaan, it's drought stricken.
8. Don't tell anyone in Isaan you're German, they'll automatically mortgage your future earnings.
9. In Thailand every girl has a "broken heart", so you're in good company.
10.Read Stickman, so you get fair warnings about the Land of Smiles.

And, of course, don't get involved with people of one syllable names!!!
"Like : Ken, Tom, Som, Mon, Niek, John, Nan, Bert, Steve, Paul, Mark, Dana etc………………."

On the other hand, Terry, Henry, Indy, Anita, Brian……….Well, that's another story

Stickman's thoughts:

Rather unusual.