Stickman Readers' Submissions March 8th, 2006

A Day In The Office With Sam

We are sat in our teacher’s common room quietly catching up with some post lesson reviews and some marking when we hear…

“Whoop! Gloop! Fanaarr! Cwor! Pant! Pant! Ssssssh! Woooaar!”

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Bill and I look at each other and then over at Sam and wonder what it is he is looking at.

Sam: “Wobble! Yip! Woooaaar! Cwor! Seeesh! Wibble! Ooeer!”

Bill and I look at each other again with big grins on our faces. We have heard this before and it always comes from our resident Peter Pan, the 40 year something gentleman who has still to grow up beyond his 15 year old school boy fascination with women, no matter how they look.

We look back over at Sam and he has his head down looking at something. Thankfully we don’t see any rapid hand movements or hear any knocking under the desk but our

curiosity gets the better of us and we simultaneously decide to get up in order to take a peek at what it is that is causing Sam to get stiff and happy ‘this time’ in his little corner of the teachers' room.

As we sidle on over we can still hear the ‘Gloops’, ‘whoops’, and ‘Cwors’ coming from Sam, but as we get closer, he spots us coming and in a flash pulls his hand up from underneath a desk with a big happy grin on his face… “Oh dear” I think please don’t let him have a pubic hair stuck between his fingernails… but then, with a flourish, he proudly pops out… Pops out… Pops out his latest purchase of a CD by Tata Young!

Sam, was simply over enjoyed at looking at her picture on the CD cover. I wouldn’t mind but she is fully clothed and not particularly sexy. <She's a total babe!Stick>

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Sam: “Ain’t she gorgeous!”

We roll our eyes…

Sam: “I mean look at those curves… cwor! Dribble, sssshhh wow!”

We just laugh and go back to our seats…

Sam: “You know I really prefer Brittany over Tata… cwor, sssshhh! Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm… Whoop!… Fnaarrr!… Rowl! What I wouldn’t do to her, which reminds me, I was sat on the BTS this morning and there was this girl with lovely painted toenails… cwor! Whoop! Fnarrrrr!”

He slaps his hand on his knee… closes his eyes and dribbles with the sound of Hannibal Lector eating slivers of liver at the thought of the anonymous lady on the BTS with the painted toe nails…

I look at him and think to myself that we are in Bangkok after all and that I have just got to get used to meeting all sorts here…

Sam really is a strange character for sure and if you ever met him you would easily box him off as a bit of a mummy’s boy. You could also say he is a Victorian come 1950’s throwback that has still yet to evolve into the modern age when it comes to his view of women and relationships and he has never bothered to waste his talents by worrying himself over little things like learning to use an iron or understanding where to pour the powder on his washing machine. I asked him once what he would do with both of these devices (which he has in his room in his condo) should he ever find himself alone and single in Bangkok. His response was simply “to go downstairs, give all my washing to the laundry lady, then go to a bar, bar fine a girl, get her to come home, have great sex, and before she leaves, get her to wash and iron my clothes as part of the service”. He wasn’t joking either.

His current girlfriend kneels at the door each morning like a little obedient servant girl as he is departing for work to ensure that she gives his shoes a good cleaning (while he is wearing them) before he parades off down the soi with his bowler hat and umbrella.

His mum once said to him: “Sam, you want a whore and a maid, not a girlfriend or a wife”

How well she knew her son!

Sam also has an extraordinary sex drive. He is never a stranger to toga parties and Roman orgies, and he has a porno collection to put Hollywood to shame and an infatuation with Nana, Soi Cowboy and all the spots of nightly entertainment that Bangkok has to offer. He is simply a guy that has yet to grow up. In fact, it was only yesterday that he was telling us about never being satisfied with emptying his love sacks and that only 10 minutes after having sex with his girlfriend, he will be there banging away against the wardrobe with his left hand tugging at his member jerking himself off because he still feels frustrated and unfulfilled… When he told us this, it was not only too much information for sure, but we reckon he either has a leaky left testicle that needs emptying every so often should his balls ever explode or he seriously has some unfulfilled issues that need fulfilling!

I listened into an altercation that he had recently where he was demanding his DVDs back from someone he had previously lent them to.

Lendee: “OK, I’ll get them back to you tomorrow”

Sam: “No I want them now!”

Lendee: “Errr no! I am busy right now; I will get them to you tomorrow… What’s the rush anyway?”

Sam: “I am sorting my DVDs out, I need them tonight because I am putting them into order and I won’t be able to do that if I don’t have my full collection”

Lendee: “Do you know the names of the DVDs you lent me?”

Sam: “Yes!”

Lendee: “Good, then leave a space in your DVD collection where they should go and put them in tomorrow”

Sam: “No I need them now, tonight!”

Lendee: “Sigh! What time will you be in tomorrow, I’ll bring them around…”

Sam: “No I need them now…”

Lendee: “Oh for @&%! Sake… Piss off!”

… And with that, along with a huff and a puff and a schoolboy tantrum, Sam gets up and storms off out

As far as I am aware, the guy still has Sam’s DVDs because Sam like a stubborn schoolboy refuses to ask for them back because no doubt he doesn’t want to upset his chronological ordered DVD collection now they are in order.

I know it is sad to say this, and I know you probably think this is a wind up, but Sam is a real guy, only his name has been changed.

This was just another typical day in the teachers' office with Sam.

Stickman's thoughts:

There are some eccentrics in Bangkok – and Sam sounds like he is one of them!

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