Stickman Readers' Submissions February 20th, 2006

The Day The Door Came Off Its Hinges

Don’t lie to me, except when you have to and don’t sleep with other guys……. except for money”.

Some Thai men, it seems to me can live by these rules. If you have a pretty girlfriend, you don’t have to work. You’ll always have money to buy whiskey and cigarettes and she’ll make sure that you are fed and clothed. Your needs are modest. Work? That’s for fools and horses.

He Clinic Bangkok

The average farang will never understand or accept this mindset except in our dreams maybe. I certainly don’t know anyone who could do this for real.

This story goes back a few years to a time when there were many things about Thailand that I just did not know. Hard to believe now after being a Bangkok resident for a few years and reading all the testimony on this site but when you don’t know something, you just don’t know it. Some things you are instinctively wary of, snakes for instance but Thailand? Why would you be wary when you just don’t know any better?

Some years ago, when Thailand and me were not too well acquainted, I met a pretty little thing in a respectable bar in Bangkok. Her name was May and we seemed to get on well. After a few days of wining, dining and movies, she took me back to her apartment. I thought and believed this was the start of an ordinary courtship that was just about to move into the sex phase. I didn’t know any different. Honest! I went with the flow.

CBD bangkok

The next morning, while we were still lying in bed someone tried to open the door of her apartment. It was bolted on the inside so when the visitor’s key failed to gain him entry life suddenly became very interesting.

At the sound of the key in the lock, May’s body stiffened as she struggled to suppress the raw panic that must have been erupting inside her. With me, nothing registered. I didn’t even know she was panicking.

So who was trying to get in?

“Shhhh” she whispered, “Maybe he’ll go away if he thinks no one’s home”.

wonderland clinic

What?…Who?….How the hell was he going to think no-one’s home when the bloody door is bolted from the inside? ”What’s going on?” I was sitting up now.

“Shhhh, be quiet. He’ll hear you”.

Too bloody true he’ll hear me. “Who is that?”

“Just some guy who keeps pestering me.”

“But he’s got a key.”


Bugger this for a game of soldiers, I thought to myself. I’ll just have to get up and tell this nuisance to sod off. This was my turf now.

I got up, climbed in to my undercrackers and walked toward the door. There was loud banging and shouting now coming from the other side but hell, I used to play rugby for my county and I could easily handle some uppity oriental.

Before I reached the door, the banging and shouting stopped. Less than two seconds of silence was followed by the door coming right off it’s hinges and crashing to the ground in front of me. Splinters of wood and metal sprayed in all directions.

Framed in the now doorless doorway was a very agitated Thai gentleman. He was obviously very angry, I could tell that by the way the veins in his neck and arms bulged like they were fit to burst.

And Jesus, he was quick. He must have punched and kicked me half a dozen times before I even saw him move. I couldn’t hit him back, not because I didn’t want to but because the little yellow tornado would not stand still long enough for me to land a reply.

The only thing I had going for me was weight. I was a good thirty kilos heavier than “Jackie Chan” here, so I wrestled the little monkey to the ground, put my shin across his throat and sat on it. That seemed so slow him down a bit.

I had a bloody nose, a thick lip, a thick ear and my eyebrow was dripping blood. I was pretty sure my ribs would hurt too once the swelling had gone down. The ‘yellow peril’ continued to squirm while I caught my breath but with most of my ninety odd kilos leaning on his windpipe, he was under control for the moment.

By this time, May had stopped screaming hysterically but was still gulping in huge lung fulls of air. Panic had set in good and she really did not know what to do next. She was walking quickly from one side of the room to the other apparently not sure whether to run or stay.

I had issues. I wanted to know what was going on and I especially wanted Bangkok’s very own Tasmanian Devil to start behaving in a more civilized manner. I couldn’t sit on his throat indefinitely.

Well, the people who lived across the hall had heard the commotion and had had the good grace to summon security. Two guards turned up just as I was running out of ideas and between them talked my Whirling Dervish visitor into a calmer state of mind.

He agreed to behave himself, so I agreed to un-restrict his air supply. Muay Thai Joe, picked himself up and sat at the dining table calmer but still looking like he wanted to tear my arm off and beat me to death with the soggy end. I decided the best course of action was to get the rest of my clothes on and clear off without delay. I went about retrieving my shirt and trousers while the security guards were still on hand. They seemed as eager to get out of this one as I was.

May had become a bit more coherent in the last few minutes and breathed a kind of apology to me at the same time as trying to soothe Muay Thai Joe.

The Yellow Tornado was, of course, her husband or long time boyfriend or something. He knew full well that his lady shagged farangs for money and was happy to let her do her thing. He did not however, like it going on in his own bed. He did have some standards. I had no idea that people could live this way but what do I know. My mother was a Sunday School teacher.

I put a sensible distance between myself and May from then on but since then I have met a scary number of girls in Bangkok who do sex for money with the full knowledge of their husbands or boyfriends. This is a dangerous area for the unsuspecting farang and inspite of my flippant style of reporting there is a serious message here. ‘Beware the wrath of your bar girl’s husband”. This is dangerous territory.

I still have a problem getting my head around it.

Union Hill


Reading this story took me back to a similar thing that happened to me. The door was bolted but fortunately never smashed down. I did end up jumping off the balcony from the first floor and legging it to the first available taxi. Up the Petchaburi Road end of On-nut it was, perhaps 5 or 6 years back.

nana plaza