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Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Parts 117

  • Written by Dana
  • January 20th, 2006
  • 22 min read


Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 117

WHAT IS THAT AWFUL RINGING?

Well guys I have been smiled upon by the god who loves farang men. Apparently begging and crying over a long period of time does work. The secret is to abandon dignity and embrace groveling. After a misspent youth and thirty five years of failure as an adult I have won the State of Massachusetts Mega Millions Jackpot lottery here in the United States. God bless immoral legislators who seek to pay the government's bills through gambling. I won nineteen million seven hundred thousand dollars (19,700,000). I could either take the lump sum payout and have all taxes paid up front, or I could receive twenty yearly payments from a government too inept to balance it's books and pay the taxes myself. Naturally I took the lump sum payout. Final check to me was 13 million and two thousand dollars (13,002,000). Sure I got ripped off but that smile on my face is because I have thirteen million dollars up the wazoo.

The State of Massachusetts check to me cleared the bank seven weeks ago. In the meantime I have:

1. Made a trip to New York City to get a one year visa at the Thai Embassy. No ploblum. While there I was also able to visit two old girlfriends from my college days, Esther and Sherry. This seemed like a great idea on the phone. Let us put it this way. Time is not kind to us all. I of course still look like a chiseled-in-marble Adonis but time had not been so kind to them. If you think you would like to meet up with and bonk a girlfriend from thirty-five years ago you are not in the grip of a good idea. Trust me.

2. Contacted a real estate broker friend of mine here on Beacon Hill to rent out my condo here in Boston. Should be finalized tomorrow. I get one years rent up front in cash in return for a 5% discount. Pretty good deal.

3. Made a trip to my tailor on Boylston street for final wardrobe adjustments. I know they have cheaper tailors in the Kingdom but this is a relationship thing. Plus Jerry is dead reliable. Of course I will have to ask around when I get there and get a tailor in Thailand. I am not going to leave the house in untailored clothing just because I am in a country where the men wear suits and flip-flops. If other farang men want to dance around with Chang bottles in their hands and bargirl underpants on their heads just because they are away from home that is their business, but I do not intend to give myself over to fashion anarchy. Nobody is ever going to mistake me for someone who used to work on an oil rig. Someone has to be the point man on snobbism and I don't mind holding the flag.

4. Made a trip to my dentist on Federal street to have a tooth replaced with an artificial one on a titanium post; plus a cleaning, X-rays, and trivial fillings. I know I could have gotten western quality work done in the Kingdom or gotten it all done in gold by flying to Malaysia but again it is a relationship thing. Arnie has been my dentist since he emigrated from South Africa and he is dead reliable. Also, I remember hearing this 'western quality' promise when I was in Bermuda and when I got to the office it was full of signs that said DO NOT SPIT ON THE FLOOR. I did an exit and had work done later when I sailed into the Virgin Islands.

5. Made a trip to the Russian clinic and Dr. 'O' and Ida set me up for hydrogen and Myer's cocktail intravenous, mineral intravenous, vitamin C (100 grams) intravenous, hydrogen and silver intravenous, plus full battery of tests. I'd like to be able to find an intravenous clinic in Bangkok–it's on the list of things to do when I get there. What I need at my age is penis intravenous but I guess right now I'll just have to settle for little blue pills. God bless the rapacious immoral gouging thieving international pharmaceutical whore drug companies.

6. Phone calls have been made and:

A. A friend in Jomtien is setting me up with a condo in the View Talay apartment complex. This will not be my final housing destination but it is easy as a first housing move. Utilizing my friends knowledge is a smart thing. I'll probably also ask him to help me with motorcycle purchase (I'd like a Phantom) and licensing issues, etc. I'm going to paint the Phantom those tacky temple colors loved by the Thais, hang temple bells off the handlebars, and have pictures of the Dali Lama painted on the gas tank and my helmet. Hopefully, this will keep from having to make 'donations' when I get stopped by the police. How do I think of these ideas? Genius.

B. A friend of his is going to install my computer and phone. This is a really lucky situation for me. If I had to negotiate the installation of my computer myself it would most probably never get done. I don't suppose you have the same need to cruise internet Thai porn sites if you actually live in Thailand but still old habits die hard.

C. A friend in BKK is making doctor and dentist recommendations. This is a tough one and I am inured to having to be disappointed about recommendations. Recommending personal doctors and dentists to friends is a little like recommending movies and books and restaurants to friends. Invariably there is disappointment on both sides. Your friends are perplexed when they take your recommendations and of course you find out that your friends are idiots. However, this is something that has to get done right away particularly with regard to my blood pressure medications. I have malignant blood pressure etiology unknown which is a fancy way of saying that if I am not medicated that my blood pressure will continue to rise until I have a cerebral event or a heart event or arterial event. I have twice ignored this life situation and twice ended up in the back of ambulances so I have learned my lesson. So finding a physician who can take over prescribing blood pressure medications is critical. I want to die from Aids, not from hypertension. Amazing the choices adults have to make.

D. A real estate woman (read: shark with pussy) on Naklua road has put me in touch with some people that will handle the interior decorating of my condo. This is going to be tricky because I do not really want an interior decorator. I just want someone who will take my list of furniture needs and styles and go out and do it. Women invariably want to get creative. I don't want creative. I just want obedient and efficient. Giving a Thai woman a box full of baht and sending her into a wallpaper store or a furniture store or a rug store is like giving a diabetic a one hundred dollar bill and sending him into a candy store. No good can come of it. If the Thai woman likes the Louis XIV period you are going to end up with huge French furniture in your tiny condo. If the Thai woman likes Bauhaus your little condo in the sun is going to look soulless and creepy. But most likely what well happen if you burden your Thai 'interior decorator' with your money is that she will copy whatever the numbskull Hi-So people in Bangkok are doing. So you are liable to throw open the door to your new home on Show day and be confronted with pink leopard skin carpet, huge fish tanks, Egyptian furniture, an industrial kitchen, window drapes made from stitched together children's' drawings, a disco ball in the bath, purple lights, and a plasma TV on the ceiling over the bed. She'll be all smiles and you'll be grateful you only have a one year visa.

Thinking about this–I'll probably get my guy friends to make recommendations and do it myself. Can't fart around with females. I'm also going to get a friend of mine who owns bars and restaurants on Soi Pattayaland 2 to recommend a contractor. Before I move into the condo I'd like ceiling mouldings and floor mouldings installed so that it does not look so much like a hotel room. I figure this will violate numerous View Talay condo rules (read: Soviet gulag management) so I may have to make a pilgrimage to the Washington Square area in Bangkok and hook up with some ex-Rangers or ex-Green Berets to help me with this. It'll be kind of a ceiling and floor moulding tenant insurgency program requiring training and timing and equipment and palm greasing and camouflage and high morale. "–Don't screw with me Thailand.–"

7. I have agreed in principle to be a 50% working partner with an Australian who owns a Pattaya business that rents and sells windsurfer stuff. I don't think the fact that he speaks a language that is totally unintelligible will be that much of a problem. He says 'mate' a lot so I figure he is not going to cheat me. I see it as training for the whole Thai language nightmare. Anyway, this is really just foot in the door stuff. I have other business plans. He's ok and the business is making a profit and becoming involved in the daily discipline of a retail business will be a good thing. I'm not retiring to Thailand to hang around in bars and tell 'Nam' stories (haven't got any) or 'wife did me wrong' stories (never had one). I intend to be disciplined and active and productive.

"Out of the way you baht bus jackass I'm coming through."

But the retail game is just not big enough. Besides in retail you have a high exposure to human beings. Zero interest in that. The only Thailand retail business that would interest me would be a woman's shoe store. Either Isaan clientele or Hi-So clientele. The idea of taking women's shoes out of shoe boxes and putting them on Thai women's feet has enormous appeal. Down on my knees . . . foot in one hand, shoe in the other hand . . . looking up their skirt . . . ! Talk about paradise! I wouldn't know what to do first. Lick her foot or smell the shoe or look up her skirt. Hey, I just thought of something. That would be one of the requirements to shop in the store. You would have to be wearing a skirt. Niche marketing. How do I think of these ideas? Genius. Anyway, Isaan clientele might be a fitting problem since their feet are all shaped like snowshoes but I am willing to work with that. Hey, I just thought of something else. All customers have to come in the store wearing high heeled shoes. No flip-flop customers. More niche marketing. All customers will be walking in wearing skirts and high heeled shoes. Jesus, I'll have to tie my dick back like a katoey to keep from walking around with an erection all the time. How do I think of these ideas? Genius.

8. Fa has agreed to live with me. Her only proviso was that she still be able to sell herself on the Pattaya boardwalk every day. I said, "No ploblum, honey." A woman likes to feel that she has a career. She hasn't worked twenty years as a stupid whore for nothing and I can appreciate that. It's all part of my Be Sensitive To Thai Culture (BSTTC) program . Plus there are no circumstances under which I could ever say no to her. I don't really trust her and I don't really love her. It's a balance thing. This won't actually be a problem because she does not trust me either and I do not plan on giving her any reason to trust me.

At my age the race is on. There are eight chariots with four horses apiece headed down the long 800 yard straightaway in the Coliseum of my life and I am standing in every chariot. Instead of colors or team names the chariots are known by most probable life endings:

1. Cancer
2. Aids
3. Heart Failure
4. Stroke
5. Alzheimer's
6. Accident
7. Suicide
8. Post surgical complications–pneumonia–death.

All eight chariots want to be the first over the line. I am standing in every one of the chariots. The result is the same no matter what I do and no matter which group of lunging horses crosses the line first. My death is a certainty. The only question is time. So I intend to have sex with Thai women at every attractive opportunity. Fa knows this and loves me anyway. The fact that I have no immunity to Thai females and will follow any one of them home with my tail wagging is just something about me that she has factored in.

Anyway, I have problems with mobility and balance from the waist down, and I have an MI on the posterior of my heart, and I have malignant hypertension, and I have senility precursors displayed by lack of focus and lack of motivation, and I have glancing blows with emotional instability, and I have occluded arteries, and I have constant mysterious bacterial infections.

It is time to prioritize. Love and sex and fun and human connections are at the top of the list.

"Hi honey, my name is Dana. What's yours?"

I don't forecast any problems here. Fa and I will spend our mornings and our nights and our weekends together like two old married people. Two very mature humans. A failure from the States who won the lottery and an aging whore who can't be trusted. It is hard to believe I got this lucky.

9. After I get settled I intend to start a five year plan of condo acquisition. Condos will be flipped and held for rent and purchased for asset appreciation. The plan is to have fifty condos in five years and then spend the remaining five years on business maintenance. My expat plan is a ten year plan and then back to the States. By then I will be sixty seven years old and probably have some debilitating and dignity robbing illness. Time to go home.

10. The living situation in Jomtien is only a short term thing. Once I get my breath and my feet under me I plan to buy the Lido Hotel on Beach road in South Pattaya. This is a small European style hotel at the end of an alley right off of Beach road next to Starbucks. If you had a hundred beers you could not imagine a more congenial location. Good for Fa's whoring also. She can walk to work and walk home just like a Wall Street broker in a power suit. The first floor will be gutted and turned into a parking garage for cars and motorbikes. The second floor will be a combination women's nail salon, shoe store, hairdressing shop, and custom pussy hair shaving clinic. The top two floors of the hotel will be gutted and turned into my home. Two floors plus the roof plus the garage. Should be enough.

11. Don Muang International airport in BKK will be used as a departure point to explore Burma and Cambodia and Laos and Vietnam and Singapore and Hong Kong and Japan and Bali and Sumatra and Kuala Lumpur and Australia and Bhutan and India and New Zealand. Geographically the airport in Bangkok simply can not be beat for exploring that part of the world and I intend to take advantage. Plans right now are to make three trips per year of ten days to three weeks duration outside the Kingdom. I would love Fa to accompany me on these trips but she may not be able to break away from her career cruising the boardwalk. I understand. When I had a career in the Chicago area driving around picking up rendered fat from slaughterhouses I wouldn't have wanted to interrupt it either. Anyway, time will tell.

12. I will take the required photo and camera classes and set up a studio in the AA Hotel that takes pictures of Thai females. No charge. Just a fun thing. Professional quality and professional behavior. I won't have any competition because no one loves the young fertile sexy feminine exotic Thai female more than me and I won't be charging anything. They get the photos and I'll keep the negatives. If Fa ever leaves me I'll do some developing of some of the negatives and have a jack off party that will leave me comatose. If you are planning on emigrating to Thailand it is important to have a backup plan.

13. In the third year about four weeks before the rainy season ends Fa and I will start a comprehensive tour of all of Thailand's waterfalls and bring out a coffee table sized book called THAILAND'S WATERFALLS. A great big huge giant picture book celebrating Thailand's waterfalls with high resolution photos and heavy glossy pages and text. I'll get Fa to do the Thai translations in the book so that the book will appeal to Thais also. I'll have to have some Thai literate person check her work however because she is always promoting her business as a prostitute. We would not want something like this to appear in the book:

"The spectacular Nam Tok Mae Ya waterfall in Chiang Mai province is a water wonderland of falling fanning water that tumbles over 100m. It is a photographic favorite and has an enchanting pool at the bottom for the elderly and honeymooners and children and babies (for a good time call Fa–big tits and no condoms)."

Of course if you have done any world traveling you know that Thailand does not actually have any noteworthy waterfalls but the Thais think that it does so the book should be a hit. Also it will give Fa and I an excuse to explore Thailand from top to bottom. Kind of a theme way to see the country. Driving around the country pantless with her bent over in the front seat will also be a good way to keep the project enthusiasm pumped up. I'm a thinker. Of course she may not be able to break away from her work. I figure it will take us at least eight weeks to tour, and take pictures of, and take notes about all of the waterfalls. To ask Fa's regulars to go without sex with her for two months may not be practical. We'll have to see about this. I don't intend to be a selfish expat. If Fa would rather have strange men splurging in her than chronicling the Kingdom's lameass waterfalls then I understand. Love is all about understanding.

14. Once Thailand finally builds casinos I will go into the business of shipping over gamblers from the States for a fee. Should be a steady earner. I have a friend named John in the States who is a professional craps player. He can probably help me with this. Gambling opportunity in a third world cesspit probably won't be enough here. I'll need some kind of clever marketing idea. Maybe something like 'For Every Four Hundred Thousand Baht You Lose I'll Let You Bang Fa'. She'll probably be a reddy teddy for this kind of thing because it will help increase her business (a woman needs a career); but I'll have to be alert to guys that are purposely losing at the tables to win with Fa.

15. In addition to the photo studio in the ocean facing 6th floor suite at the AA Hotel I will also have a Walking Street photo kiosk. All girls photos free. Like I said before–Just a fun thing. I can't tell you how many times I have been standing on Walking Street at night minding my own business and an apparition of sex and beauty will appear that cries out to be recorded on film. This isn't even about me, it is about history. The female species on earth is changing and the point persons are in Pattaya. I won't mind devoting my time to recording this for posterity. It is also an unbelievable way to meet shagable specimens. Motorcycles and cameras are like catnip to women. I intend to be a part of it.

16. I will of course start language school as soon as I take up residence in the Kingdom. It will be a three year project. I do not actually expect to learn to speak any Thai after three years of instruction and homework assignments and testing and tutoring and money spent and stress and good intentions so some additional thought needs to be given to this. I don't actually believe Thai is a language. I think everyone is faking it including the Thais. In years and years and years of ordering a cover charge coke in bars by saying the Thai word 'Cola' I have never one time had a bargirl understand me. They look at me goggle-eyed. Sometimes they ask someone else for help. Now I have two noncomprehenders in front of me. Sometimes they run. I have tried high tones and low tones and neutral tones and rising tones and falling tones of every conceivable and mathematical permutation and combination. Not once have I had comprehension. I always have to give up and yell– KOKE. It is not a language. But I will be a good expat. I will piss away hard earned money on pointless and unproductive language schools. On my death bed I will be able to say,

"I can no longer get an erection and I still can not speak Thai. It is the end."

17. Decisions will have to be made about what organizations in Pattaya to join. An expat club for newbies is a requirement but I want somehow to avoid the men from European and Scandinavian countries who can't shut up about doing good deeds. I'm not a bad person and I understand the social value of good deeds but going door to door soliciting funds for a bargirl retirement home in Wanon Niwat when I could be spending the same time taking photos of younger specimens isn't a choice situation that requires too much thought. It's all about me.

18. I am going to take up skin diving. This won't last but it is one of the things that is on my ‘to do' list before I die and I will have the time. When I was a child I drowned in Echo Lake in New Hampshire (saved by a lifeguard) and I almost drowned on two other occasions. In addition I had to be taken out of swim classes twice as a child because I was turning blue and I was a sinker. The water terrifies me. I can't stay warm and I can't float and I am heart-in-a-clamp petrified of everything in the water. Push a piece of seaweed against me and I go catatonic. Swimming for me is like a death wish but I intend to follow through on this diving thing at least for a little while. I'd like this to be something Fa and I do together. Zipping her body into a wet suit would be dick hardening. In fact what with her legs and hips and heaving breasts I think the whole 'getting Fa into her wetsuit' part of the skin diving thing will be the best part. And of course if you are business gifted like me it is hard to ignore the smell of business opportunity. Selling photos and videos of Fa getting into her wetsuit has 'good idea' written all over it. How do I think of these ideas? Genius.
19. Eventually I would like to parlay my condo investments into hotel investments. Not only for the money but also as a kind of a stroll down memory lane. Instead of sponsoring studies of which hotel property investments were best I would just buy up the hotels that I remembered from visiting Pattaya over the years. So I would like to purchase:

A. The AA Hotel on the corner of Beach Road and Soi 13/0. Unimprovable.
B White Inn on the corner of Soi 14 and Second Road. Memories of Wan.
C. Right Spot Hotel just past Soi 16 on Walking Street. Cult hotel.
D. Grande Inn–off Walking Street–bonkers paradise location.
E. Twin Palms Resort on Beach Road–A private hidden world.
F. Bella Vista Hotel–alley between Soi 7 and Soi 8. Whoremonger's dream.
G. Windy Inn Hotel–extreme end of Walking Street–absolutely lovely.
H. White Rose 2–off Walking Street. Fuckorium.
I. Julie Complex–off Walking Street–ask for ocean view.

I know there are other nice hotels but this is a personal thing. At all of these hotels love affairs were involved with Thai women who had never met a man more handsome than me.

"You number one hansum man. I luf only you. Thai man no good."

I will not change the names or the appearances of these hotels but I will require all female staff to wear elephant decorated beach pants, and Indian cotton shirts, and black foam Nike sandals, and lots of silver jewelry. They will become known as Danas–(Will someone please contact the MacArthur Genius Foundation and nominate me?). Anyway, going back to these hotels every day for memories and cash pouches will be a fun thing.

Well guys that is what I am going to do in Thailand. I have won the State of Massachusetts Mega Millions Jackpot lottery here in the United States and I have won my independence and I have gotten a second chance at dignity and I am not going to blow it. I am going to fly out of Boston on the fifteenth and I am . . . .

Oh no . . . what is that . . . what is that noise? What is that awful ringing?

Great Christ on a cracker the alarm clock is ringing. I must have been dreaming. It was all just a dream. Just a dream. A dream . . . . Gotta go to work.

And it is snowing.

Stickman's thoughts:

Whoa, Dana seems to be getting even better!