Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 118

  • Written by Dana
  • January 28th, 2006
  • 10 min read


DANA'S WALL

Greetings Stickmanites–

Dana here with an idea of such transcendental brilliance that when you hear it you will have to shield your eyes. I know what you are thinking. How does he do it? How does this rockin' Dana cat come up with these ideas? Well, it's a gift–I can't brag.

Anyway, first a little history. In the 2nd century A.D. the Roman emperor Hadrian approved the construction of a wall that would separate the inhabitants of northern Britain from the inhabitants of the rest of Britain. Many years and many lives and too much of the Roman treasury had been spent trying to convince the people to the north of the features and the benefits of Roman rule. But they had been recalcitrant. In fact they had been more than recalcitrant. They had been rude. There had been some unnecessary body painting and yelling and finger pointing and spear throwing. Finally Hadrian, the emperor of Rome, had a better idea. If you were a modern day London accented alpha male you would probably say that he had a paradigm shift in his thinking. But for the rest of us who have to go out the night before the rent is due and break open parking meters with ballpeen hammers what Hadrian did was lay his cards down and get up and leave the table. You have to know when to hold'em and you have to know when to fold'em.

After years of campaigning and spending money and wasting lives it was clear that the people to the north were just too different. It was not going to work to mix and match. The stress wasn't worth it. So Hadrian decided to build a wall to separate the people of the north from the rest of Britain. Cynics will say that the wall was a defensive monument to a failure to dominate and subjugate. I prefer to think of it as a symbol of forward thinking by an enlightened man. Let's face it: you don't want everyone crashing your party, and you do not want everyone moving in next door, and you do not want to have to spend part of every day explaining or defending yourself to people that cannot appreciate you, and you most especially do not want people in faraway places who do not know what you know telling you what to do and how to live and what to think. Birds of a feather flock together and no one legislates against birds so why can not people do the same?

To wit: I recommend and put forward the idea that a wall be built in Pattaya that goes from the beach opposite Soi Yodsak east to Pattaya 2nd Road, thence south to Soi 16 and then west to the beach near the Windy Inn. We will call it Dana's Wall. Sorry Jomtien, I'd like to consider including you; but lately you have been allowing fat lardbucket white women to sunbath topless on your beach which is too gross and unhip for words. Anyway, the wall will be fifty feet high and have watch towers every two hundred feet. The outside surface of the wall will be forbidding and plain and relieved only by gates and entrances and guards. The surface of the inside of the wall will be covered with neon lights and big screen TVs and web cams showing the inside of bars and rose trellises and ivy and botanical displays of flowers and shrubs and plants and trees. Every entrance inside the wall will exhibit a park with a fountain in the middle of the round-a-bout. Leaving the judgmental people of Bangkok and the unhappy people of the West behind you will feel as if you are entering paradise as you go through one of the entry gates. Left behind are the littered landscapes and the moralists; ahead you can hear birdsong and smell perfume and hear girlish laughter. Welcome.

The top of the wall will have a roadway for fast response and the watch towers will be manned by South Pattaya Russians. Their job will be to intercept anyone who is unlisted or unhip or unsympathetic who tries to breach the wall. They will be trained to deal with interlopers with extreme prejudice and their thermal infrared night vision systems will be specifically dialed in to spot any white women with backpacks, or boyfriends, or children, or husbands, or college degrees, or opinions. The various entry gates will be manned and monitered by bargirls. If they don't want you in Pattaya then either does anyone else. Wall top fast response by Russians will be by military camo green turbo charged tuk-tuks bristling with offensive weapons, communications antennae, and UN approved torture devices. The tuk tuk's roof and tire rim logos will be pictures of me with my foot on a feminist's neck.

The reason for the wall? Why to keep out people we do not like of course. A partial list would include all white women, all rich Korean men, all mainland Chinese, all Japanese, all French, and all Eastern Europeans. I'd like to say no new Russians but we need them to moniter the wall and to fight the Thai police. Life is full of compromise. But most especially at the top of the list would be any and all Thai politicians of whatever stripe and as an addenda no Hi-So Thais or rich Thais or wannabe Western Thais. Pattaya is for farang and farang pursuits and the women who love farang and farang pursuits.

Also no turban heads and dot heads or people that smell like curry. I realize that a lot of Indians vacation in Pattaya but they are like weevils in hardtack. They make no contribution. We need the hotel rooms for guys who can laugh out loud in public and don't go on all day beach and boating excursions wearing suits and carrying briefcases. Who else? No guys with Texas accents. No trannies with dicks less than 9". If she is not bigger than me then what is the point? Nobody who wants to hear country music in bars. Lastly I'd like to say no one taller than me but that would eliminate 99% of everybody so we'll just have to put that idea on the back burner for now. Oh and no one with a London accent who is wearing an ascot. Jesus. And speaking of me: no one who looks a lot like me; we don't want to confuse the girls.

And speaking of the girls. Of course all asian women with happy smiles will be welcome with special consideration given to Essan wonders, any woman under 38 kilograms or 4'8", Cambodian and Laotian border heartbreakers, and of course all stewardesses from Cathay Pacific and Nippon Air and Korean Air and Singapore Air. Singapore Air stewardesses who come into bars wearing their uniforms will receive free drinks. If they can wear their uniforms and pound down whiskey like longshoremen we will . . . well, we'll do something. Unfortunately Nippon Air stewardesses will have to be dip tank tested for bodyfat percentages. Nothing over 27%–sorry. Jap women look good until you strip them and then they look like you are at a baby fat convention. Midgets of course are allowed. In fact midgets wearing schoolgirl uniforms with little pleated skirts and big midget asses are encouraged. If a certain midget from the Lollipop bar at the NEP in Bangkok shows up I will host a parade down Beach road in her honor and then . . . sorry, got distracted.

The wall will be controversial and costly but just like Hadrian I and many others have concluded based on experience that you simply can not mix and match the farang of Pattaya who want to have fun and many of the other social players in Thailand and most especially Bangkok who either do not want to have fun or do not know how to have fun. Think I am being elitist or over-the-top? Really? Imagine how happy you will be to never see a bus load of Chinese on Walking Street again; pressing their uncomprehending faces against the windows as if they have just been transported to the planet Saturn. Imagine how happy you will be to never go in a bar again and have it filled up with socially inaccessible Japanese all trying to give you lung cancer from second hand cigarette smoke. No need to thank me for this visionary dream of the future–just send donations.

Anyway, that is it. Pattaya by building this wall will be making a Declaration of Independence and proclaiming itself a world unto itself that demands respect and makes it's own rules. One of the rules will be that no one is allowed entry or egress before 11 a.m.–it simply is not necessary to get up earlier than that. Another rule will be that the gates are shut at 10:00 p.m. So you have to be on the right side of the Dana Wall by 10:00 p.m.–It is party time. You should not be traveling anywhere. You should already be here. I will of course be in charge of everything. I will rule the way I treat my Beach boulevard lovers–loving but firm. Over every one of the gates will be carved coral and bamboo busts of myself and the Russian soldiers will wear silk screened baggy pants with my face on them. All those entering will be handstamped with an ink picture of me and all those leaving will have the stamp removed with a blowtorch (Why are you leaving paradise? What is wrong with you?). I will make daily inspections and the girls in charge of entry decisions for guests will be handpicked by me (I think we know what that means). Hadrian had his epiphany followed by a paradigm shift in his thinking followed by a wall and I have had . . . well, whatever–we are going to build a wall dudes.

Who's got their mojo working? Who wants to make a donation? Who wants to work off hangovers and STD's by mixing cement? Anyway, a new day is dawning brothers. If you can't keep your hands off of your genitalia or other people's genitalia then you are the kind of person we want. So get registered and get tough. It's going to be Pattaya against the world. Who's in?

Time to sing kats and kittens–(sung to Johnny Thunder's LOOP DE LOOP–1962)

DANA'S WALL LOOP DE LOOP

It's Dana's Wall loop de loop
It's Dana's Wall loop de li
Here we go loop de loop
All on a Pattaya night

We're having a party
Everybody's havin' a great time
All the farangs are here and a-dancin'
Yeah I'm loopin' with a teeruk of mine

It's Dana's Wall loop de loop
It's Dana's Wall loop de li
Here we go loop de loop
All on a Pattaya night

Teeruk are you ready
To loop a loop loop with me
Start right there
Wait just a minute until I count to three

(one, two, three)
It's Dana's Wall loop de loop
It's Dana's Wall loop de li
Here we go loop de loop
On a Pattaya night

It's singing time brothers–It's Dana Wall time; it's Pattaya as an independent principality time–it's your time. You've heard of the Pope and the wall and Vatican City? Well just think of me and the wall and Pattaya City. Ok, maybe not. Anyway, I believe this is an idea whose time has come. A fifty foot wall around Pattaya and some rules god damn it (honey, I'll have another beer) about who is invited in.

What do you think?

Stickman's thoughts:

Mmmm, don't know what to think about this one…but then that is the uniqueness of Dana's original writings.