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Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 116

  • Written by Dana
  • January 14th, 2006
  • 40 min read


PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

Well guys the year 2005 is over in the Kingdom and in our lives. Time for the obligatory summing up columns and year in review specials and hindsight articles in the farang focused Thai web sites. They all do it. It's a writer's reflex and easy copy. One thing that is a constant is the mentioning and handwringing and whining and goggle-eyed amazement at what a lot of the Go-Go bargirls are now asking for before they will condescend to don street clothes and accompany you over to your hotel. 2000 baht to 3000 baht (and yes, sometimes even higher numbers). Apparently the world is going to hell solely on the basis of what whores in a third world country are extorting from fools with dicks, life is not fair, these girls are a bunch of meanies, someone is to blame (the Japs) but surely not any of us, and someone ought to do something (really–blowjobs should just be free). Etc, and etc, and etc, and etc . . . . Ok, I'm having a little fun with this but it is a serious subject because it is your money and your life and your dignity. And 2000 baht to 3000 baht for 'short-time' (and yes for 'long-time' also) is too much money. Too much money compared to what? Compared to the Thai economy. If you are not at least 70% conversant regarding the values of goods and services and what they cost in the Thai economy you will just have to trust me on this. Don't forget; these girls do not live in your economy, they live in their economy. There are three economies in Thailand:

1. NEWBIE TOURIST ECONOMY: This is what the first time tourist pays.

Example: 600 baht for beach pants sold off a table on Sukhumvit in front of the Majestic Hotel. About $15.00 American. When the small dark attractive Thai vendor woman sees the male farang tourist coming she knows what to do. She looks right into the backs of his eyeballs and smiles. He is transfixed. Then she puts her hand on his arm. He is tongue tied. If necessary she will press her breast against his ribcage. He is disoriented. Might be the most sex he has had in years. If you want to have some fun with this hang around one of these tables until the vendor woman makes a sale to a newbie and watch how fast she jams the pants in a bag and jams the bag in the tourists hands. No shutter speed on a camera can slow her hands down enough to capture the image. She has just made a huge score and she wants the stupid tourist to hit the road.

2. MULTIPLE VISITOR ECONOMY: Someone who can speak some simple Thai.

Example: 200 baht for the same pants and I know I am at the bottom. $5.00 American and I am happy. No smile from the lady. 'Just hit the road wiseass.' — before a newbie out of the Majestic Hotel sees what you paid. She grabs the money and makes the change and jams the pants in a bag and jams the bag in my hand faster than a lightning bolt. 'Get lost monkey's ass.'

3. THAI ECONOMY: What a Thai would pay.

Example: well it can vary widely but it is not going to be 200 baht. First of all the Thai is not going to be buying off some tourist table. The only time I have seen a Thai buy off a tourist table is when it is a bargirl or a teeruk and some love struck idiot like me is paying. Thai purchases are made in mystery places farang rarely see. Part of the Thai girl-to-girl subterranean information network. Want to know where to get great roast chicken feet covered with bacteria laden congealed fat? They know–you'll never know. Want to get some cheap linens at 'off-the-back-of-the-truck' prices? You know–the ones that were manufactured by Chinese prisoners but have labels that say Made in Singapore. They know–you'll never know. Etc. And don't bother trying to ask for this information because it will not be forthcoming. Remember, these are the people that do not want you to even learn their language. Do you think they are going to give away the secret location where they can get Mickey Mouse T-shirts for 60 baht? That would be like asking France to tell you where they are hiding the women who do not have hairy legs. Anyway they are not going to be messing around with tourist economies. They are going to be in some hidden out of the way place at the end of a fly and dog infested alley next to a sewage outfall plant. No sign and no westerners. Babies on the concrete floor, a black and white TV blaring, and an ancient on a floor mat who is so old she can't remember when she had teeth. Change for purchases will be made out of a box, no records kept, no taxes paid, nobody admits to being the owner, no warranties or returns. And no matter what they are really supposed to be selling they will always have green gum boots and little colored plastic pails and shovels for kids.

Top quality merchandise. But she is not going to be paying 200 baht for the Sukhumvit table tourist beach pants because she is Thai and living in the Thai economy.

And there is no reason to get out of shape over this. Realize that just because you are head bobbing like a hand puppet, and you 'really love Thailand', and you know how to say Sa Wa Dee Khrap; you are still often not going to get the Thai price especially if you are in the farang ghettos. Prices vary widely. In an open air bar a bottle of water is 30-50 baht depending on the waitress. Across the street from the Nana Hotel in Bangkok the Mini Mart sells it for 15 baht. Around the corner on Sukhumvit at the second pharmacy on the left they sell it for 6 baht. God only knows what the wholesale price for a big government connected purchaser like Thai Airways would be for that bottle of water if the retail price for Thais is 6 baht. And it is not only the Thais that have tiered pricing. When I was a stationary supplies salesman in the States we had five prices for every item in the catalogue. It was our job to figure out how much we could get out of the customer. Business is war.

But just because business is war does not mean that you do not set limits on your budget behavior. And for these bargirls to be asking for 2000 baht to 3000 baht (for anything) is just absurd. Crazy talk. And the more you become attuned to the Thai economy and to their lives the more outrageous and ridiculous these numbers will sound. Eventually you will reach a knowledge level where even if you had more money than God you would still not pay out of principle. Principle with whores? Yeah, we are westerners. You can only push our logical, well educated, anxious-to-please, scientific brains so far and then we crack. Personally I cracked when the barfines in Go-Go bars punched through the 500 baht barrier. Just had a sex tourist aneurysm. And they lost me. All the money I used to dump into Go-Go bars and Go-Go bargirls was lost. Billions and billions and billions of baht.

This gentleman is why I do 75% of my shopping on the street (the rest is mostly open air bars). 2000 baht to 3000 baht (and yes even higher) plus 600 baht barfine? Forget about it. The day I pay that kind of money is the day I wake up and I am six feet tall. I'm not notifying my tailor on that one. And yet everyone disparages shopping for freelancers on the street. It is now the politically correct advice-du-jour for guidebook authors and know-it-alls and web site administrators and essayists who want to sound knowledgeable and really interested in your welfare. It is supposed to be more dangerous or somehow less classy to look for love in a public place. People disparage street shoppers like myself in print and secretly or not so secretly feel superior. This is nonsense.

First of all, what makes anyone think that taking a prostitute you never met back to your hotel room from a Go-Go bar is safer? The fact that she left her ID in the hotel lobby or that you know her place of employment is mostly of little consequence. Did you take her ID to a copy machine and make a copy of it? Can you even read it? Can you do something simple like puzzle out her age using the Buddhist calendar? Can you trust anyone else to read it accurately for you? Do you think you can communicate in sentences with the Thai security person who took it? And as for her place of employment: Do you think they are going to tell who the owner is or how to contact him/her? Do you even know who the mamasan is? Do you know what a mamasan is? Do you have a working knowledge based on multiple personal experiences with bone marrow deep spirit killing racism? If the answers to these questions is 'no' than you are flying on wings of wax in a mighty hot country. These ideas-du-jour about ID's and structured places of employment lending safety to your activities may be useful mechanistic issues for the knowledgeable and aggressive expat but for the average tourist the benefit is practically nil. No matter what abuse she visits on you in your hotel room getting involved with hotel staff and then the bar staff and then the police represents more additional stress and more risk than it is worth. This may not be 'right' or 'fair' or 'civilized' but it is a fact.

You say you are in Thailand on a ten day vacation? And you plan to mix it up with the staff at the hotel, and then you plan to muscle around the mamasan at the bar, and then you plan to go toe-to-toe with the police? In a third world country? Where you don't speak the language? And you have no rights?

I don't want to know you. Do not call me for help. You are stupid.

If the shit does hit the fan what exactly is your plan? Do you intend to hold up a copy of the girl's ID in front of the barowner's face and tell him that you could not control a woman who only weighs one half of your bodyweight? Is that your plan in a country that runs on face? To lose all of yours? How about yelling? How about threatening bodily harm? How about using the word lawyer? How about appealing to his humanity? Stop me when I hit upon something that will work.

Oh, here is a good idea. Why not ask the mamasan for the girls address. Sure, that will work. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been in a Thai part of town at night? Ok, we'll forget that. Well, I'm fresh out of ideas. How about you? Face it. You are a junkyard dog in a different kennel. Every bark scares you and no dog is your friend. So consorting only with expensive Go-Go bargirls with ID's does not mean much does it? Another chimera for the newbie sold by mouthy guys I rarely see mixing it up in public with the girls.

Still not convinced? Ok, remember last night? In the Mini-Mart next to the Nana Entertainment Plaza? I was standing behind you in the checkout line and I saw you tell the girl that you did not need a straw with your coke. You didn't want one. But she jammed the straw in the bag with the coke anyway. There were two problems:

1. You could not communicate with her.
2. She wasn't listening and she didn't care.

So if you can not even negotiate something like a straw how in the world do you think you are going to be able to get some barowner to help you when you complain that you got abused by a high priced whore who actually gets a payroll check and works at a place that has a door and a crapper (and you have a copy of her ID goddamit). All the farang information sites told you that this was the safest and most modern and best way to go. What does it look like now? (Bye the way, for the money you spent last night I will be falling in love at least three times.)

Still resistant to the idea that I might possibly be right? Ok, consider this. And I know you have never considered it before. Do you know what the common thread is in the tapestry of the night time Go-Go bargirl farang venues that ties all of the players together like shared DNA? All of them know one thing without doubt or hesitation or fear of contradiction and that knowledge gives them the edge in all business dealings with farangs. And that one thing that they all know is that outside of Bangkok is a big airport with big airplanes that go to faraway places and sooner or later you are going to have to get a taxi and go to that airport. You can't beat time and soon your time will be up.

So although you may think you are smarter than these people and that you are working the best plan based on internet research and options analysis; they are survivors and competitors in a world of venality and greed and corruption and crime. Your name is Heinrich and you are a baker from Berlin. You are not Thai. You don't count. You inspire fear in no one. You bring nothing to the table. You are not going to get your way.

The notion that you can cancel out these unattractive thoughts and realities by buying sex tourist insurance in the form of expensive girls from places with ID's and health checks and rules and payroll accounting and pictures of the girls faces on their mamasan record keeping cards is an attractive idea. If I thought it was true I would be in the same bar as you and shoving you aside to get to the dark minx with the tight flat stomach and the waist length hair. But don't worry. I won't be shoving you aside. I don't believe it and I won't be there.

Second, the notion that a prostitute from a Go-Go bar is classier than a streetwalker is just silly. They are all prostitutes and you are not classier because you are paying more. Equating money with class or ego or any other positive character trait is a childish notion. Grow up. They are whores and you are paying for sex. Do you imagine that after she gives you oral sex that you two are going to discuss Marxism and Leninism because you paid big money? And do you also imagine that the girls that I meet on the street can only grunt like pigs when they talk because they cost less? Who are you listening to? Where are you getting these ideas?

You do not know one thing about the expensive girl you just picked up in the Go-Go bar for an agreed upon 'short-time' price of 2000 baht. The Go-Go bargirls could be violent junkies. They could have jealous boyfriends that are going to follow you. They might be accomplished criminals that will drug your drink. They might be diseased. They might be mentally unstable. You have no way to know and to assume that because there is an employer in the mix that your risks have been eliminated or reduced is foolish. And you are paying for it jackass. What makes you think paying more in this arena increases or decreases your odds of anything? When someone puts me down or makes a negative assumption about my character or my brain power because I meet my lovers on the street I know that I am looking into the eyes of an idiot.

I stopped giving my money to the Go-Go bargirls, except for the odd exception, many years ago. In the years that I have been a street shopper in mostly Bangkok and Chiang Mai and Pattaya and Jomtien and Kanchanaburi I have only had three problems. I have had two girls steal money from me but it was my fault and the amount was trivial. If I had not tempted them they would not have responded in kind. I only expect nuns to act like nuns. I take the responsibility. I have only had one girl ask for more money than she was worth. Considering the volume that I do and the bottom of the barrel (supposedly) that I shop in these incidents do not even make a statistical blip. I challenge the farangs who have done as much volume and only pick up high priced Go-Go girls in bars to show a better record. I have no problems street shopping. I believe partly this is because I have some rules:

DANA'S STREET PICK-UP RULES (DSPUR)

1. I only shop in the day when I can see their faces and their eyes. I almost never shop at night. This means my days are backwards to the average sex tourist days. I am having sex in the day time and just visiting bars at night to see the shows and the girls. Most guys are shopping at night to have sex at night. Not me. Once it gets dark my day is done. I have already had two (or sometimes three) wonderful relationships. I am going to visit some bars just for fun and then pick up some street food and go home.

2. I am always sober. My decision making is never impaired by alcohol. This additionally screens out a lot of the predators who are only looking for impaired farangs that they can take advantage of. They do not even mess with me

3. I never ever pick up a girl who is not smiling or laughing. She may be only smiling at me with her eyes but that counts. And I can see those eye smiles because it is day time. It has to be fun and I have to be temporarily infatuated with her. Less and less is it about pounding meat. I want to have fun with a fun girl. If it is not fun right away I drop her.

4. If the girl wants to negotiate money on the street I drop her. These girls are thinking of money instead of us. She should be thinking about developing our relationship (playing me like a violin) so that she can put me in her rolodex of repeat customers (suckers). The negotiators are the hit and run girls–sometimes literally. Abuse you and grab your stuff and run. No Thanks. I may not be the brightest light bulb in the hallway but I can figure this one out. If it is all about money right up front with the girl without even any pretence of charm or diplomacy or winning ways than I drop her faster than a penis with weeping sores.

In the same category are the girls that do not want to go to your hotel but instead want to go to their hotel. Not in a zillion years is this a good idea. You are in great danger of being set up. Her territory instead of your territory? Do I have to explain this? The trannies on Walking Street in South Pattaya in front of the Jenny Bar are known for this.

Also in the same category are the girls that don't want to do something now but later–say in twenty minutes. "Just tell me what hotel you are at and what your room number is." WHAT? Everything in the whoring business is now. For street cruisers there is no such thing as later. Later makes no sense. Later is a klaxon that should be going off in your head. I was once slammed up against the wall on 2nd street near Soi 14 in Pattaya by an incredibly sexy whore. Jesus flipping god what a body. So I said,

"Ok, lets go. I'm at the White Inn on the corner of Soi 14." and I pointed–fifty feet.
"No," she said–"Just tell me your room number and I'll be up in twenty minutes."

With WHO? Her boyfriend–her pimp–her girlfriend who has a gun. There is no later.

5. If the girl wants to bring her girlfriend I drop her. Forget your magazine and college boy dreams about threesomes. Because it isn't going to be a threesome. It is going to be a twosome. Two against one. They are a team. You can't win and you won't have fun and yes they will get the money.

6. If the girl has no purse I generally practise more caution when approaching her. Sometimes horrible service skanks or junkies. Trust me. Consider this: if a girl does not have a purse what does she most probably not have? Well here is a list: a make-up mirror and lipstick (personal appearance issues and ego), ID, license, a wallet and often any money at all, a cell phone (no friends?), pictures of her family and children, and all of the other stuff that women carry around with them that defines who they are.

A woman with no purse? I'll take extra time getting to know her. There are always exceptions and I have had some wonderful experiences with women who were not carrying purses or anything else but that is one of the reasons I shop in the daytime. No purse? Ok you think I am being silly because lots of women in Thailand do not carry purses. Ok, but thinking this way gets me pointed in the right direction. Remember, I am shopping on the street which you are convinced is more risky. How about no wallet? Oh, come on; what kind of an adult does not even carry a wallet? Whose got her wallet? Is it that Thai male over there on the motorcycle with the three inch dick and the ten inch knife?

If am walking towards an attractive woman during the day and my radar tells me she is a prostitute and I notice that she is not even carrying a wallet in her pants pocket then my 'bullshit' meter is on high alert.

I've picked up these 'ain't got nothing' girls and the results are usually disappointing. In the beginning it looks like a good idea because they are young, available, attractive and cheap. The problem is that most of them are dumber than dirt. The kind of girls who would hang used condoms on a Christmas tree.

"Look honey, they are red and white. Suay Maak. I'll have more in a month."

The kind of girls who think a paradox is two piers. The kind of girls that wear T-shirts that say Hookers Do It With Hooks. WHAT?

The only skill they usually have is incredible speed. Nobody and I mean nobody can bring you off faster than these trashy brain dead smilers. Don't blink or you'll miss it. The sex I mean. I once had a woman get naked, squat over me, and then contort herself into an act of limber athleticism and flexibly focused speed for oral games that was astounding. Per minute of actual work she was probably one the highest people in the Kingdom. But there was no 'there' there. I felt like a cow that had been milked by a farmer who heard his wife calling him for breakfast. Disappointing.

I once in one of my own personal braindead moments picked up a skank in the parking lot of the Nana Hotel who was wearing only a slip and flip flops and underpants. A blind person would have seen that this was not a good idea but all I could see was the way her legs went up into her slip and the way she was flipping her hair at me. Stick a fork in my I was done. Anyway, that was it. Just a very very short slip (this style of dress is what is known as an 'airplane' dress because you can see all the way up to the cockpit) and flip-flops and underpants. She had nothing else.

She was an adult and at 10:00 at night in one of the world's most cosmopolitan cities she did not have one other possession on her person. No ID, no wrist watch, no jewelry, no hair accessories, no make-up, no money, no wallet, no purse, no cell phone, no comb or lip stick or make-up mirror, no Skytrain pass or coins, nothing. As if the Pimp Spaceship just dropped her into the parking lot. Well her body was great and the sex was ok but then a bad thing happened. I should have known better but I listened to my dick. I won't go into the details. Oh, and where did she put the money I gave her? In her underpants. It's a good thing it was not 500 baht in 10 baht coins–she'd have looked like a bowlegged tranny with a big dick waddling down the street. Talk about traveling light. She should be giving packing advice to farang college girl backpackers–"All you need is a vagina and some underpants."

7. All trannies get dropped–nothing but a criminal class on the street. Too bad. In the Darwinian arena of sexual variety they are canceling themselves out. Some exceptions but the risk is too great. The only way you can have guaranteed fun with street slag trannies is to tie them to the bed and that cause other problems.

I don't think any farang should be picking up trannies off the street unless that farang is six feet two inches tall and two hundred pounds minimum. Size is everything and size evens the odds and changes the trannie's attitude. Everyone else should just stay with the whole Adam and Eve thing.

8. If the girl makes a face when I ask her to turn off her cell phone I drop her. In fact I drop all women all the time who make a face over anything. One face and they are done. They are prostitutes and I am the customer. As an addenda this also includes teeruks. If it is our fifth day together and I get a face while we are taking off our shoes to go into the shrine of the Emerald Buddha–no amount of praying will help her. It is our last date. In fact I recommend doing this every once in a while just on general principles. Nothing will make you feel stronger than saying "No" to women. Don't worry about her. She'll have another lover in ten minutes. It will take you an hour. Thailand.

9. If the girl wants to lag behind me on the way to the hotel instead of holding my hand I just turn around and drop her. I once picked up a tranny in the Nana parking lot and she dragged her snotty little ass all the way to the Rajah Hotel and then all the way down the hall. Apparently I didn't come up to the high standards of someone who is a social leper and sleeping under a bridge. Last time I checked, the money she wants is in my wallet. The first thing she said in the room was "How much are you going to pay me?" "Nothing" I said, and threw her out.

10. If after agreeing to go to my hotel room to share with me love's magic moments the girl then suddenly becomes less charming and friendly I drop her. I don't expect them to sing and dance and yodel but I do expect the acting to be a part of the game from start to finish. Can't pretend that you like me? Then you get nothing. I'm acting too honey. I am pretending that I do not see sores on your lips and facial sarcoma and skin rashes and red pupils and prison tattoos and razor slash scars on your wrists and baggy after birth syndrome stomachs and droopy tits and stretch marks from your ears to your ankles and a brown stripe in your underpants.

When I tell you that I love you and that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen I am acting. Get with the program.

It sounds like a lot to know and to remember or that you would have to be consulting a ten point list (DANA'S STREET PICK-UP RULES) while wandering around holding your stomach in and trying to look sexy, but really it is just common sense. Stay sober, shop during the day, and if it is not fun and reasonably priced then stop it immediately. I once picked up a nice girl at the Nana Entertainment Plaza in Bangkok and she was doing well until she got to within about thirty hallway feet of my hotel room door at the Nana. Then she went bad. So I just went through the door first and then shut it in her face. She didn't even knock. She just left. She knew that I knew that she was just trash. It's a business. You are paying for the delivery of a service. If you do not believe you are going to get that service than you do not owe anyone anything and you do not want to waste your valuable time on earth with criminals. Stop being a nice guy and concentrate on being a good customer instead. There is a difference. Nice guys finish last and good customers get respect. I'm a good customer to the girls on the boardwalk in South Pattaya. When I hit the boardwalk they all pop up like ferrets. Here comes a good customer.

Regarding paying 2000 baht to 3000 baht to Go-Go bargirls this is just insane and I have never done it. Two reasons for this:

1. If the girl in the Go-Go bar brings up a price like this I just smile and turn on my heel and leave. I don't just leave her, I leave the whole bar. By turning her down you have poisoned yourself in the bar but it doesn't matter. In quoting silly numbers she has told you what you need to know about the bar and all of the girls. There won't be any exceptions. She did you a favor. Ridiculous. And they are not all getting it either.

The best example I can think of regarding Go-Go bargirls not always getting these inflated amounts of money for 'short-time' or 'long-time' is the wonderful Superbabies bar in Soi Diamond in South Pattaya. I don't know who is in charge of hiring in that bar but the girls are just beautiful. But go in any night and there is a bar full of them sitting around looking bored. Fabulously young and sexy and beautiful but they are asking too much money. They would be having more fun going out with guys more often and doing adult things.

I would love to get about ten scotches into the owners of the bar and then have a look at the books. Between them telling me the alcohol induced truth and the accounting ledgers; I'll bet they are not doing as well as if they had the girls lower their 'short-time' and 'long-time' prices and had much greater volume. There is nothing sadder to look at than a mostly naked stupefying feminine and beautiful young woman who is bored. Being ignored and rejected by men is not any woman's dream. No women dream about big female horses. They only dream about big male horses. If I was in charge of the bar I would have girls going through guys like prunes through an old lady and everyone would be having a lot more fun.

Another thing to know about these girls quoting 2000 baht to 3000 baht (and yes higher) for 'short-time' or for 'long-time' is that no one knows the Thai economy more intimately than them and so they know that these are crazy figures. Insane. Stupid. Sometimes the fact that you also know and do not snap at them like a trout going for a fly can work to your advantage.

First of all, when the girls quote these insane prices that are so out of keeping with their own economy and you pay it do you think they respect you for it? No they do not respect you. They think you are a fool. You are already running a pride/respect deficit with this girl and you haven't even had a problem with Mr. Noodle in the hotel room yet. As soon as you agree to stupid money like this you might as well just get down on your knees in front of her and beg her to let you live–oh, and don't forget to tell her that you will pay anything just to see her naked. What the hell. You might as well just throw all of your pride out the window. And do not imagine that because you are paying more that in the hotel room you are going to get more. Christ, I could do 5,000 words on that Thai bargirl business fraud without even taking a breath. Just trust me on this guys–buying a whore's time is not like pumping petrol into your car. You are not going to get more if you pay more.

But letting her know in a nice fun way that you know these are crazy prices can sometimes work to your advantage. Last time I was at the Nana Entertainment Plaza a dancer wanted 1500 baht for 'short-time." Well that is just nuts but I had some fun with it. Did a lot of smiling and some charm tricks and left her in a friendly way. Did not get down on my knees and beg, and did not pay the stupid price, and did not offend anyone. Later that night I was in the Mini-Mart around 1:00 a.m. and I happened to notice her sitting on a milk crate looking at items on a bottom shelf. Her mini-skirt was up around her hips and she was not wearing any underpants. And there for all the world to see was her pussy. I looked. She caught me looking and smiled at me. I smiled back. And then I went to the register.

I was an adult about it. I didn't hustle her and I didn't try to charm her. I'd already tried that in the bar but the price was too high. Now it was early morning and everyone was tired and it was time for adults to go home. We ended up standing on the steps together outside the door opening our junk food. My instincts told me to keep my tourist mouth shut and not to look needy and not to push. We shared cashew nuts and yogurt. Then we went over to the Nana Hotel and banged like demented morons. 500 baht. I got treated differently because I acted differently. 2000 baht to 3000 baht are not numbers you should credit by taking seriously. The girls know this is nuts and they will respect you if you know.

2. The second reason I never pay this kind of stupid Jap money is because I stopped cold turkey years ago doing something that 100% of the farang guidebooks recommend: to wit–'negotiate the price with the girl before you go to the hotel room' . Well, this is just too stupid and obvious for words. If you have been doing this well then just get the word NUMBSKULL tattooed on your forehead. Give the world an even chance when they come in contact with you. What price do you expect her to quote you? The actual market value price or a fair price? Christ no. She is going to name a ridiculous price in the hopes that you are a fool. And you are a fool because you just asked her to name a price.

Try to understand the social dynamics of this. Nobody really wants to work for a living so the temptation to try and make one huge score and then spend the remainder of the week just talking with your girlfriends is overwhelming. Even if it could be shown to them mathematically that they would bank more money if they substituted volume for high prices it would not change their behavior. It is human nature. One way we display ego and establish dominance and show power is by sublimating others. Getting some rube to overpay makes us look clever and gives us a story to tell. Some woman who is doing ten guys a week does not have a story to tell. She is just a whore. But she might be banking more money.

So anyway I never bring up price in the bar or on the street and if she does she gets dropped. I'm only interested in girls with debts not prices. At the end of our relationship in the hotel room I give them 500 baht if it was 'short-time' and 1000 baht if it was 'long-time'. And yes I am talking about Bangkok. I have only had one girl ask for more. At the end of our 'short-time' (I picked her up out of the Nana Hotel parking lot), I gave her 500 baht and she said,

"A lady usually gets 1000 baht." To which I said, "You are no lady–you are a junkie whore."

So my point is that a lot of these ridiculous requests for money are brought on by starting the negotiating over money in the first place. No good can come from it. In a civilized world populated by business saavy dependable honorable people negotiating the price of the good or service right up front is normal and a good idea. But you left that world when you got on the plane and came to the Kingdom. Anyway, new rules. By the time I am through with them in the hotel room they like me and they have had a good time. I do a lot of selling. This won't work for a lot of guys and some nationalities that just treat the girls like chattel. I don't do that. I love women and I want it to be a fun thing and I've got a bunch of charm tricks and I work hard at it. So at the door the money looks fine. They had a good time with a nice guy and they didn't get abused and they hope that I come by the next night. Easy money.

Example: Recently I picked up the best looking woman in the Lollipop bar at the NEP in Bangkok. There were four women I wanted and I made a mental note to do them all but I would start with the best looking one. As I said before, 75% of my 'dating' in Thailand is nice women that I meet on the street but this was my first night back in Thailand and I was in an expansive mood. Ok, I was stupid with happiness. In the hotel room we spent some time with my Thai word and phrase language note cards (asking her to teach me), and then I had her model some womens' clothes I had brought from the States (all women like to be thought of as beautiful and pose like models), and then I took some pictures of her face (face only–no body shots–respectful), and then we did some shower stuff (me washing her respectfully–I sell this thing), and then to the bed for sex. In bed I was just hammering her and for a long time and she was returning it like a trouper. Hair matted with sweat and nostrils dilated and arms around me for leverage.

At the door I gave her (I didn't ask her) a 500 baht note and she left with a smile. The next night when I went back to the Lollipop bar what did all of the girls know? They knew I was a nice guy and it was only 500 baht. I set it up. I hate to tell you but that is what 100% of the expats do. They set up situations to benefit them.

Conclusion: So in conclusion I challenge anyone to tell me they are having a safer time or a classier time or a more fun time than I am having shopping the street. Sorry, you just have not got the evidence. You've got the ego gratifying feeling that you are classier than me and smarter than me but that is not evidence. Second, paying the high prices being asked by the girls is something you do if you decide to do it. How can you blame that on someone else? Speaking of the high and even higher and just stupid Jap prices being asked by the girls in the Go-Go bars this points out something else that a lot of farangs do not know and also have received bad advice on in the sex venue tour guides.

To wit–the waitresses in the Go-Go bars. For years and years the available sex tourist information all said that the waitresses were not available for sex. I believed it. What a stupid putz. It's a miracle somebody didn't just shoot me for being stupid. Well sometimes they are available and sometimes they are not available. The only way you will know is to ask. And I have found cheaper prices and more fun and less attitude with the waitresses 100% of the time. In November I picked up a lovely waitress out of the Superbabies bar in Soi Diamond in Pattaya. Intelligent woman and lovely figure and beautiful waitress mandarin style dress. Class and femininity all the way. Smart and fun and funny and wise. Jesus. Technically, I think she was not available. But I asked. 500 baht.

A lot of this negative language and posturing about men who are picking up women in parking lots or off the street or on beach boulevards is just more of that boring oneupmanship that men play. I'm smarter than you. I'm more classy than you. Hey, I've got news for you nimrod–they are all prostitutes and as soon as you sink your special dick in one we are all equal. That's right–up in heaven where they are keeping score of our misdeeds no one can tell the difference between you and me. Sometimes this can play out in humorous ways.

One time I was going up in the elevator with a nice woman I had just picked up off the boulevard between Soi Mike and Soi 10 in Pattaya. There was a guy in the small elevator with us and he was staring at my girl like he'd just gotten out of prison and this was the first woman he had seen in twenty years. Honestly if he had been a dog he would have been drooling and one leg would have been going into some kind of spasm.

Daow was noteworthy. She was four feet tall with a waist you could put your watch strap around and two giant headlamps that you would expect to see on the front of one of those giant Road King Harley Davidson motorcyles. Most women in Thailand are small breasted or very small breasted or no breasted. Guys in Thailand suddenly find themselves using the word feminine a lot. Ok, fine but if you can use your girlfriend's chest for a billiard table you are missing something. Daows breasts were huge and perfect and apparently not aware of gravity. The effect made your head swim and gave you stabbing pains in the tops of your eyeballs. Her hips screamed baby making machine. The overall effect was like one of those hourglass fertility goddess bas relief sculptures you see on Indian temples. The kind of temple sculpture where your first impulse is to say that there can not really be women shaped like that. She wasn't Thai. She was some kind of spooky jungle animal Khymer–Laotian mix. Square shaped face. How many times have you seen a woman with a square face?

Anyway when I was walking down the boardwalk at 10:00 o'clock at night and I saw her leaning against a palm tree with the ocean behind and the moon above I know was supposed to say–

"Oh no Dana, do not speak or consort or mix with this woman. She is of the streetwalker cruiser freelancer variety and if you are seen with her by guidebook authors or website administrators or clergy they will think less of you. You will lose face in the West and may not even be allowed back into your own country. What you must do is stop and turn around and cross Beach road and go into the Tahitian bar and spend 2000-3000 baht on some bitch with an attitude. Then everyone will applaud you for your caution and good judgment."

But that is not what I did. What I did was I recovered from the shock of seeing an angel sent down from heaven just for me and I leapt at her. Faster than an iguanas tongue snapping at a dragonfly. No verbal foreplay, no name game, and no silly smiling. Just grabbed her hand and started for the AA Hotel. And that is how minutes later we found ourselves going up in an elevator with a man staring at her.

I was dressed nice and my Daow was dressed nice but this guy looked like he just got off the millionaire's train. You know he couldn't get a private poolside villa at the Marriott Hotel behind the Royal Garden Plaza so he had his butler get him into the AA Hotel for one night. Slumming. Excluding that smarti-pants, educated, 'I'm better than you' aura but looking kinda green. Maybe a first timer. Probably new to the scene. A newbie right off the plane.

Anyway, when Daow and I get off on the fifth floor he gets off behind us and follows us down the hall. The hallways in the AA Hotel are dark because the Cheap Charlie old crone owner likes to save money on lights. So it was kind of spooky to have him following us. As I am putting the key in the lock he grabs my arm and pulls me aside. He wants to know if he can have Daow when I am done with her. This guy was probably too full of class to pick up a freelancer off the street but he didn't mind if I did the pimping for him. Funny.

So just relax guys. Stop reading the farang sex guides because they are full of disinformation–forget about your pride and prejudices–smile–hit the streets sober while the sun is shining–and set limits on your budget.

Stickman's thoughts:

One of Dana's longest, and quite possibly one of his best.