Readers' Submissions

My God, What Have I Done?

  • Written by Natetron
  • January 4th, 2006
  • 24 min read


My god what have I done. After spending the better half of two years thinking about, researching, planning, reading, asking questions, all to do with Thailand, I've finally gone and had my experience. The biggest thing I told myself not to do was to fall for a bar girl. Well, guess what happened. Absolutely head over heels. I've just returned from my first trip to LOS. Only had a week to spend there, but what a week it was. Before I go into the details of my trip, here's the background.

Never had a thing for Asia or its woman till about four years ago. I live in San Francisco and was on the bus one day sat behind what I now know was two Japanese girls. Up until then, I couldn't have told you the difference between a Thai woman or a Mongolian girl.

After having the Jasmine fever for awhile now you know how easily we can pick out ladies. Anyways, on the bus, bored, started looking at the back of these two Japanese ladies necks and hair, basic features etc. Holy shit! I realized they were perfect! I felt a great awakening inside, I had caught the fever. Now, three years back and I'm interested in Thai ladies. Stop into a Thai restaurant close to my store and meet a lovely lady. We begin talking and seeing each other. She is the same age as me, (now 32) not a stunner, but very beautiful. I think in Thailand her looks are highly regarded. She has very white skin and her hair is naturally dark brown. We fall in love, and go out on dates when she has time. She is a very upstanding woman, works three jobs and goes to school. This woman is not out for my cash or a green card. She truly loves me and wants to get married and have children. This didn’t happen overnight folks. We've been seeing each other for three years. The kicker is, she is EXTREMELY traditional. No holding hands in public, no sex until married, no living together unless married, yes gentleman she is the real deal. One of the good Thai girls. We have done pretty much everything physically except intercourse. I haven’t been entirely faithful in the last three years having occasionally been to the local massage parlor. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into with this woman. I didn’t realize how moralistic a traditional woman could be. This one is a keeper. Life mate, and all that. Sounds great right? Well, it was, up until about a year ago when I realized that I wasn't really that physically attracted to my lady anymore. I met one of her friends that was 21, short, brown skin, Isaan all the way. Wow, I couldn't stop staring at her. Now, what to do. Be strong and overlook the fact that I don’t find my woman that much of a turn on to me anymore? Rise above it and marry her for all the other good reasons? Nope. I decided to go to BKK and sow my wild oats. Then I would know if I was meant to be with my lady or not. I’ve also been contemplating making a move there, this trip would let me know if I could picture myself living there or not.

So I'm off. Booked into the Majestic Grande for the first five nights. Fabulous hotel! Not going to hype it too much, they aren’t paying me or anything but, the place is fantastic. Spend an hour or two relaxing from the agonizing 20 hour trip from SFO. The streets are calling me. In doing my research of Bkk, I've checked out all the websites, anything I could find. Printed out a little map that had beer bars and massage parlors on it, for the Sukhumvit area. So, it's about 5:00 pm and I'm off for the Bamboo Beer Bar. Nice place, but at this hour totally dead of course.

I'm feeling a bit nervous being in Bkk for my first time. I've traveled to Asia before in the military but that was completely different, you moved around in packs. Here I was lone wolf in the city of angels. Decided to head back down to Sukhumvit when I pass a open air bar near Bamboo. The first "Hello Hansum" I hear and I pounce. She's a bit older than I was hoping for, 28, a couple of tattoos, I can tell she's been around and then some. But, she's got a great shape, killer smile, and short time is only 1000 baht. Back at the hotel, I've been in town for exactly three hours and I've had my first bargirl. Fantastic! I really like hanging out with this lady. I wanted to go to Nana Plaza but was a bit hesitant to go by myself after reading all the horror stories of blokes getting drugged, robbed, raped, etc. So, me and bargirl#1 work out a good long time deal and she is my tour guide for the evening.

Off to Nana we go! It's great showing up with a teeruk to show you the ropes. Upon entering Nana everything becomes quite surreal. The midget at the front talking incoherently, the elephant with it's eyes bugging out of it's head, the spirit houses where everyone pay's devotion, katoeys milling about Casanova, the lights, precious young things that don’t look a day over 18 shuffling about in g-strings at Play Skool, it is incredibly overwhelming, and at the same time I feel like I'm at HOME! Day 2. Wake up, eat breakfast, send bargirl#1 on her way, I've got all kinds of plans to go see temples and go to markets and the Grand Palace and do this and do that, well guess what, spent the next 6 nights alternating between a bar stool at Nana, my hotel bed, and a few trips on the skytrain to MBK, Siam Square and a few other faceless places. I'm supposed to meet my girlfriends sister and parents, totally flaked out on them. So I fall into my routine. The next couple days are a joy. Wake up about 10, eat, go to one of those dumb malls, or getting lunch and checking email at Nana Square. Then I'm in Nana Plaza by 5 pm, I've short timed by 8 and am back by 10 looking for my all night girl. There was somebody on Stickman not long ago who made a long list of firsts for him in Bangkok. I must share a good 10 or 20 of those same firsts. First time I've had diarrhea for a week, first time I've had sex with three different women in one day, etc etc etc.

So, everything is going fine. Found what I thought was my ultimate dream Thai girl. Four foot nothing, dark brown skin, jet black hair, the stuff of my dreams. We really hit it off, spend two days together. One night she takes me over to Sin nightclub. House music and Brits in football jerseys, had fun anyways! (hahahah) We proceed to get completely tossed and head back to the Majestic. Out comes the full story of her ex lover. British bloke, some kind of import export business, on the younger side, 27 or so. She loves him dearly. He wined and dined her. Took her to the best restaurants and hotels, paid out her bar fine for a week to spend time with her, the whole deal. Now keep in mind the young lass is 20 if she's a day. What I learned was this. We all have feelings and emotions and hearts. From the dirtiest beggar to the slickest bar girl. Turns out her Brit boyfriend pulled a no show on her. Was supposed to come back from a trip to Phuket in a couple of days. He never showed, or called, or emailed, nothing. I know what you're thinking, she's a bargirl, she should expect it. Well people, as I held this young girl in my arms that night, as she is weeping and crying and relating all this to me I realized the power that we as men have. Not just physically but emotionally as well. No woman should be treated in this way. No exceptions. And no, this girl has not tried to get my email, didn’t ask me for more than one cent that I owed her for a short and long time, nothing, she just wanted a shoulder to cry on.

Next day and she's off to home for a clothes change and to do whatever it is bargirls do when they go home for a few hours. Later that night and I meet up with her back at Nana. The evening before after her tear session I gave her an honest felt pep talk and I can see that it has worked. From the young girl I had been with before, here stood in front of me a young woman, perfect make-up, sexy skirt with matching jacket, standing upright, I could see she had some confidence in herself again. It was good to see and I felt happy for her. By this time me and her had reached the conclusion that we were best of friends. Big brother little sister type. In fact, I thought she would be my dream girl, but in bed she was a bit of a yawn. We had decided that we were not going to spend any more time outside of Nana together. By the way, 90% of the woman I got together with were all from the open air beer bars in Nana Plazas courtyard. There was just a nicer vibe there than in a go-go and you had a chance to actually try to chat them up a bit. I've read all the stories about how great NEP used to be, from cheap bar fines to cheap beer to cheap LT/ST, that the quality of the girls has gone down, all that.

Well, I didn’t mind paying $US2 for a beer. 35$us for a shag. And 15$us bar fine for the pleasure of it all. That's about 60$us for a couple of beers and at least two hours with your lady. Here in San Fran, a dodgy massage and half hearted sex will cost you at least 170$us. And that’s for 45 minutes! And not to brag, but I pulled a couple of stunners out of there.

Well, I'm sat at my favorite stool, watching the coming and goings, I've already lit my seven incense sticks and placed them at one of the Hindu sprit houses there at the entrance. I've been to temple here in the us with my girlfriend, but to actually exist in a Buddha culture if even for only a short time, I felt at home. Thailand must be my soul stop. I've been around the world, and I've never had the same feelings for someplace. And all I saw was NEP and the Sukhumvit area!!! I can't wait to get back and experience all that the LOS has to offer. Anyways, I'm chatting with my little friend about me finding a new lady for the evening. She points over to where her friend is standing at another bar. "Hey, look at that girl next to my friend" she says, "She's very beautiful."

I look around to see who she is talking about and I catch a glimpse. She is sitting part way behind a post and I cant see to well. I get half way off my stool and "WHAM", I get a good look. The first thing I notice is a flash in the dark coming from her big smile. She's got braces! Now folks, don’t ask me why, but recently I have found braces to be a big turn on. I'm up off my stool and over next to her in what seems like a slow motion dream. As I sit down next to her and really get a good look, I am absolutely astonished as to what I'm feeling. Up until now, my dream Thai lady has always been a tiny little thing with dark brown skin and a very thin figure. Well, this woman is tall, comes up above my chin and I'm six foot, has light honey brown skin, and a thick round rear end that would put a hip-hop diva to shame! Seriously, she's got Jennifer Lopez action going on. I'm absolutely blown away. I actually feel nervous talking to her, as if we are back in my local pub or disco trying desperately to work up the nerve to ask a lady out. We talk for a bit while I sip my beer Chang. Her English isn't so hot, but from having my Thai girlfriend in the states and also working in restaurants with Latinos, I am very adept at communicating with people from different lands. She say's she's only been working in the bar for one week. My bullshit meter almost explodes, but I stay quiet, she does seem to have a different air about her. In fact, the next night, I do a bit of investigating, talking to girls at her bar, and some from the surrounding joints, turns out this is her first week from what I can gather. So girl, let's go! The bar fine is paid and were off. I don't even feel like going straight to the hotel. It feels so good just walking down the soi with her. I want everyone to see us together. My chest is bursting with pride at having found this golden girl. Finally get back to the hotel and the rest of the night is beautiful. Probably the best sex I've ever had. It feels so right. Like we've been doing this together for years. She is also incredibly small "down there". Maybe she has only been working for a week. Surely if she was an around the way pro, she would be a bit more loosey goosey. The rest of the night is a dream.

Next day we vow to meet at Nana and have the night together again. Well, by this point, my drinking and carry on has started to take a toll on my funds. Time to check out of the Majestic, and check into the Royal Nana on a small Klong Toey off of soi 4. Seems like the place is a short time hotel, but it turns out to be not too bad. Good AC, two TV channels in English, even free bottled water! The Majestic didn’t even offer that!! After checking in and taking a good look at the bank statement, well, my options are getting pretty small. I've got two more days left in Bkk and about 2500 baht total to spend. This would mean no more cash for my new lady. That night I meet her at NEP and explain it to her. She tells me no problem, I just have to pay her bar fine for the next two nights, I don’t have to give her a cent! After paying the fine she takes me over to RCA for some hip hop club action. She pays for everything! Nice big bottle of Johnnie walker, all the cabs, I begin to feel like the teeruk! After RCA we shoot over to Ratchada 4. This is where all the university kids go to party. What a blast! I was the only farang in the place. I've never felt more welcomed in my life. She knew all the right people working at the clubs, and we got straight VIP service. Tables appeared and were set up for us in the best locations close to the action. Found it incredibly fun/surreal/humorous to be bumping and grinding with my girl in a Thai nightclub listening to Snoop Doggy Dogg. We danced our asses off! This lady is the exact opposite of my girlfriend back in the US. This girl likes to smoke, my girlfriend never has tried, this girl likes to drink, my girlfriend has had maybe two screwdrivers in her life, my girlfriend doesn’t dance, this girl lives for dancing. My girlfriend is basically a virgin, this girl is a whore. They are total polar opposites!

Going back to the tables being set up for us. I found it fascinating the way Thai nightclub dance floors operate. It's all about rows of small tables that you stand next too and dance in your little space. The tables are filled with ice buckets and the fixings for whiskey or what not, this seemed to be the basic rule of thumb in most clubs I checked out. Nothing like being in a western club with a dance floor the size of a football pitch. Just one of those unique Thai things I guess. The night comes to a close at a ridiculous 1:30 am. How can such an amazing city shut down so early???

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that I've been sick this whole time. A day before I left San Fran, I started to feel a bit of a tickle in the back of my throat. After 18hrs on a plane, my body adjusting to the Bangkok humidity etc etc., by the second day in Bkk I've got what must have been strep throat. Absolute agony. But, what to do? I wasn't gonna take time out to stay in bed all day. I had so much energy there was no way I've could have done that if I wished to. In fact, I think I never slept for more than five hours in one night the whole week. The first night I spent with my new love actually was pretty bad. Half way into the night I came down with a wicked fever and would be freezing cold one minute and burning up the next. My lady played doctor for me the whole time. She got me different medicines and would bring me food and such. I think she liked having someone to care for. And I didn't mind being the one! So, it's closing time at Ratchada, where to now teeruk? How bout you come and sleep at my house? Sure! Back to her apartment which she shares with her roommate. It's not far from Ratchada. We shower and relax. Her place is not bad. A nice view from the balcony. I get used to using Thai toilet paper. A spray hose next to the toilet! At first I'm thinking to myself "no way". Then I start liking it! It is actually more hygienic than paper, feels really refreshing, I'm totally sold. Think how much you would save each year not buying bog roll! And you're helping the environment! hahahah Her roommate comes home while we're cuddling in bed together. That's when I realize we are all going to be sleeping in the same bed. Hmmmmmm, says me, this could get really interesting. I think I could have pulled off the three way, but I was exhausted and still feverish. Anyways, it felt great to cuddle up in between two ladies all night. Hey, I could get used to this!

Awoke the next morning already feeling sad though. This will be my last day and night in Bkk, I'm off the next afternoon. We lounge around the apartment all morning and go for a leisurely lunch at an MK restaurant in the Carrefour center. Great Chinese type food that you throw into a pot of boiling water. We absolutely gorged ourselves. My teeruk takes care of the bill. By this point I'm feeling guilty about not being able to pay for anything. She assures me it's okay. I promise I'll send her 100$us when I get back. It seems fair to me considering I should have paid at least 6000thb to long time her two days. Let alone all the cash she dropped on me in the discos. That night we end up doing the rounds of RCA and Ratchada 4 again. I figure in all, she was out at least 10,000thb because of me. Does this seem like normal bar girl behavior? Or is this a big operation, hoping in the long run she'll take me for ten times that amount? It doesn’t feel that way to me. Plus, I would never let that happen. I have sent her 100$ us, but that’s the extent of it. The last night flies by. After Ratchada closes, I suggest we hit up Angles Disco at the Nana Hotel. It's open to three and I haven’t been in there yet. Get to Angels and it is absolutely insane. I am filled with a mixture of disgust and raving laughter. What looks like the most motley disgusting group of gentleman you'd meet anywhere. What is going on here? This is truly the last chance saloon. It starts to get to me to see the desperate dancing and looks on the faces of the girls here. Their last chance to earn a buck for the night. I look at my girl and can see that she truly doesn’t belong here. The humanity of it all almost has me in tears. I've got to get out of there. Wow, Bangkok just shows you more and more and more and more of whatever it is you're looking for, and also more and more and more of what you'd rather not see. God, I love this place. But, by this time, I am pretty drunk and upset that I've fallen for this girl and for the life she leads.

Back at the hotel I do a bit of ranting and raving at her about the whole thing. She takes it all very well. I try to sleep but pretty much just alternate between staring at the wall and at the woman next to me. The morning comes quickly for us. A few rounds of passionate goodbye sex ensue. I can't believe how good we are together. We try to say farewell a bit quickly, we both look on the verge of tears. And then she's gone. She's off to Nana to open up the bar. I pack up my suitcase. On one last look around the room before I check out, I spy in the bathroom her toothbrush that she's left behind. I grab it, check out, and head up the soi to return my teeruk's dental hygiene instrument. Into NEP one last time, it is very interesting to see it at this time of day. I see her at her bar and whip out the toothbrush. She laughs, and I can see tears streaming down her face. I almost lose it, but hold a stiff upper lip and then I'm gone. The taxi ride to the airport is a long one. God, I don’t want to leave this place. It's a good thing I don’t have a couple of gold charge cards because I probably wouldn't have left. Bye bye LOS, hello San Fran.

Back in the USA, I take the train home to downtown sf. I get off at my stop and head up to the street. As I begin my short walk home I can already feel myself changing back into America mode. Why is there a kind of hostile undercurrent everywhere? I am back in city street mode. The whole week in Bangkok I never had a feeling like this. Several homeless men accost me on my way, do you got a quarter? No, sorry man. I miss Bangkok already. For the whole next week, I find it really hard to get back into the swing of things. I can't sleep. I've got no appetite. I cannot stop thinking about Bkk. I cannot stop thinking about the brief flash of something that I shared with this woman. I've already made plans to return in June. I'd love to be able to live in Thailand. Yes, me and a million other farangs.

Looked into the English teaching thing, but it just doesn't seem like enough money. I've got loads of hospitality experience, so maybe I'll look into a five star hotel. It seems like they would like to have at least one smiling white face around to deal with the tourists. I've gone through the gamut of emotions on looking back at my trip. At first I held some very big regrets in me. The fact that I didn't do one thing half way cultural is a big bummer. But, as I sit here and type this, I really don’t have any regrets. I will be back to Thailand many many times in the future.

Spending a week with bar girls was one way I did get to see into a bit of Thai culture. I learned so much from these ladies. I cannot believe that I can completely empathize and understand what it is they do. It's a job. They have a bit of fun at the same time. There is no love involved. It's JUST sex! I continue to hold my relationship with that one lady in a very honest light. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, but I would love to move to Bkk and share a apartment with her for awhile. If I can get her out of NEP that is. I think it would be a blast to date this woman. In fact, I've been looking and waiting and trying to find the woman of my dreams for years now. I realized that you cannot set out to find the woman of your dreams, Buddha doesn’t let it happen that way. The woman will find you, and only when the time is right. I also know now that I don’t want to get married now, I'm just not ready. I want to get back into the dating scene. But I want to do it in Thailand! As for my lovely upstanding girlfriend here in San Fran. I told her everything that I did in Bkk. There is no reason to hide anything from her. When I tell her that I want to move there, she tells me, "It's up to you". And it is. I am a very kind compassionate man. Sometimes too much so. In fact, I am probably too nice of a person for Thailand. I try to understand the ways of it all. I can comprehend the greedy side. I can comprehend the big Thai smile and read what is going on behind it. I can comprehend a woman telling me everything she thinks I need and want to hear. I can comprehend "love" for money. I am not afraid and I relish my future in Thailand.

As for the bargirl I fell for, we email each other constantly, talked on the phone a few times, I did send her 100$us and am waiting to see if she is gonna start asking for more. I'm keeping it all in perspective. I basically spent a week in Bangkok as a sex tourist. I didn't intend for this, it just kind of happened, really easily. I don't have a single regret. I've fallen for a bargirl, but I am not naive. I understand her and what she does. I will never marry this girl, but I hope to spend time with her in the future. I've known about Stickman’s site for about the last eight months. After reading so much, and learning so much, I thought it was my duty to include an account of my experience. I think about going back to LOS so much that it hurts, I truly believe I have left a part of my soul there. Oh, beautiful City of Angels, I shall return.


Stickman's thoughts:

Yes, you are so nice, effectively spending 10,000 baht of a girl's money and sending her a crummy 4,000 back…