Applied Bargirl Studies
By Professor Bayleaf, Head Of Faculty Of Red Raw Ruminations, IT Up 2 U University
Be young, beautiful and / or dead sexy / be good at sex / a bit wild Almost wear clothes, two sizes too small and adolescent in style.
PREPARATION / ENTRY REQUIREMENTS
Get basic education at school (1+1=2 unless you are milking a Farang when it equals 2,000 baht) and undertake further course of informal study by talking with others in the village (go to the biggest modern house for degree level study).
REASON FOR CAREER CHOICE (multiple choice, there is no right answer) 1. You like meeting older men from all over the world; OR 2. Poverty, lack of education and opportunity to improve lot for self and family unless engaged in naughty nightlife industry with family's blessing / pressure to do so.
One in every hundred bar girls is a 'good girl' and will make a wonderful wife for a lucky farang (who is ninety nine times out of a hundred men a (sex?) tourist if he's in the bar) so a good bar girl has a 99:1 chance of finding herself a 'good' man in the bar (me).
UP-2-U-NIVERSITY MOTTO "Remember the family comes first and the farang comes over your face" Latin – 'Farangus stupidus walking ATM lovestruck life expectancy shortish shag 'im to d'eath' (actually that doesn't sound too bad as it 'appens).
Two empty bottles of Bacardi Breezer (Orange Refresher), crossed, with a pair of small (previously worn, (s)natch) bar girl's knickers draped over them and motto (see above) written in bright red lipstick on a farang's bare arse.
LEARN KEY PHRASES
hellooo hansum man, you velly hansum, sexy man! I like you, you buy me drink? he my brother not my boyfriend, I like old man not young man, old man take care me good (not sexy just honest and good heart (stupid)), you love me? you no like me already? how long you stay? it my girlfiend phone me (yes have deep voice), all my friend sms me and say 'good night my love, sweet dreams' why it probrem? you drink beer? Mao! you like karaoke? (or ketamine, drink up!) you no trust me WHY? I don't want rich man him have too many beautiful girl love him, please you are can helping me with money my mother / buffalo / son(who doesn't exist) are sick, moto broken, lost my wallet (it have all my money in it (10 baht), my phone credit only 50 centimes left (hint – buy me new card – so I can talk with my other boyfriends / girlfriends at your expense), I need money for ticket home to take care sick mother (rhymes with brother=boyfriend), my brother have moto accident very terrible him check in hospital him die if you no are can giving me money, my home it have flood very terrible grandfather have wet rot, you buy me present? wow you are BIG! (prick), you have baby?(gut) – pom poi! don't look! I go shower, no don't look! you no air con no TV your room WHY? I cannot sleeping with you tonight I too tired it better for you (but why the freshly applied full make-up at 1am), I going internet now with web-cam talk with my grandmother (sponsors in other countries – only you in my heart and I in yours? I miss you, take care, I care about you, when you come back? I take good care you, etc etc), I want talking with you (or HJ 500 baht OK?), I want living in your country you can helping me? (and your wife she can helping me too?), I LOVE YOU, you are butterfly man (I am good girl), I waiting two years for you OK you write letter e-mail, I phone you you call me back OK, you don't forget me OK. OK??!!
1. Using an ATM.
Content: the hole in the wall, working that slot for money, what to do if you forget your PIN – just tell him you 'love him long time' and he will issue the cash, (NOTE – for farang – if PIN forgets YOU, find a Sa, Oy or Jai.)
2. Computer skills.
Content: composing bland e-mails to your boyfriend that appear personal but aren't, then send same one out individually to all sponsors. Asking for money – when to, how much, how often, reasons to ask, preferred method of payment, escalating your demands for cash whilst appearing to only want his love and to see him (them) again. Web-cam – answering your farang boyfriend(s) suspicious enquiries about why the internet cafe is full of sexy women in the background.
Philosophy: "It is better to give than to receive." BG – "huh?"
Travel: day trips, holidays, many international destinations.
Groupwork: 1,2,3 girl fun.
Marriage: how long should it last, his country or yours Preparation for retirement (at age 30) / setting up a hairdressing business / massage shop.
Drama: Good Girl / Bad Girl / Caring Girl / Sexy Girl
Flying lessons: (please note that this module is studied in Pattaya) no parachute required, includes drama; Juliet : Romeo Romeo; Romeo : aaaaaaaaaaaargh.
Property investing: 51%
Techniques to say what you mean but don't mean what you say: example 1: why won't you open your heart to me? means: why don't you open your wallet more for me? example 2: preserve your power, means: don't touch me tonight.
Upon successfull completion of the course you will graduate in very short hotpants and a cute T-shirt with the slogan "suck my tits" on it Please note that no certificate will be issued but that the Dean will tattoo your arse with a design of your choice.
This piece is meant to be humorous but with recognisible real facts and themes gleaned from reading Stickman and other Thai related websites, as well as my own personal experiences which have concerned receptionists, waitresses and massage girls and very few bar girls. Thai women are usually lovely even when they are somehow 'bad'. Not all the above has been experienced by myself but some of it has and I have had a few fortuitous escapes after becoming a duped farang but bailing out just in time (WITH a parachute!). Whilst some say that "bar girls are for recreation only" they are also very easy to fall in love with unless you are hard hearted and unemotional. It's staying on the tightrope without either becoming callous and vengeful through bitter experience or the original love struck farang who nearly or does lose everything (and it's more than just money) to a scheming, smiling living doll. That's why I have to go back to Thailand, it's kinda fun if you don't get burned. So far I've been singed but that gives me a warm glow as well. Ah Thailand what have you done to me?
*FACT – I made that fact up. My dream – I walk into the bar by mistake (I'm good man number 100 and find good girl no.1 and then bar fine her and…….live happily ever after.)