Stickman Readers' Submissions December 16th, 2005

The Male – Female Relationship

The male-female relationship can be better understood and maybe even explained once you realize the reasons for the attraction and fallacies therein can be traced back to the original upright walking Homo Erectus (the precursor to the Homo Sapien – perhaps his name had something to do with his extinction / evolution). My point is the basic instincts of the original upright, opposable thumb, caveman still affect our existence and thought processes today. Especially, when choosing a mate of the opposite sex.

We will begin with a human species origin (Darwin version) reminder; The Homo Habilis lived approximately 2.2 to 1.6 million years ago and walked on all fours. It was a small brained creature that is considered the first human species. Eventually, it grew a larger brain, stood-up and evolved into the Homo Erectus (more on this later). The Homo Erectus was a larger brained creature that lived between 1.6 million to 400,000 thousand years ago. It was powerful and graceful creature that began the bi-pedal locomotion that we call walking today. How the Homo Erectus evolved into Homo Sapiens is debated in the scientific community even today, I am sure it had something to do with female genitalia. However, evolve it did—

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The Homo Sapien has been on earth for hundreds of thousands of years and has significant achievements during that time frame to include; the development of the wheel, combustible engines, space travel, a Starbucks on every corner and even tofu that actually tastes good (I swear to God, Allah and Buddha its true!)– and through it all, the basic genetic chromosomal make-up of the brain is the same today as it was in East Africa 300,000 to 400,000 thousand years ago when the first Homo Erectus stopped walking on his front paws and went upright.

Here is a little known fact about how and why the Homo Habilis started walking upright evolving into Homo Erectus. A particularly well hung Homo Habilis was minding his own business walking around the jungle in East Africa looking for something to eat when he saw another Homo Habilis (or so he thought) walking around on all fours. It was different than any Homo Habilis that he had ever seen before; it had soft, fleshy, oversized breasts, soft, long hair and smelled quite nice meaning (it did not stink like shit) and was quite feminine. The visual stimulation of the soft hair and boobies, caused a sudden rush of blood to his large member and the extreme stiffness of his large member pressing against his stomach forced him to remove his knuckles off the ground and walk upright. This is the story of Homo Erectus. The sad part of the story is that what (Big John) Homo Erectus thought was another Homo Habilis was really one of the little known but quite attractive Homo Katoey’s. And while the Homo Erectus tried and tried he was unable to procreate causing the species to eventually evolve into Homo Sapien.

The life of a knuckle draggin Homo Erectus was horrible! First off he had no beer, he smelled like shit, he has hair all over his body, no running water, no shampoo or conditioner, no nail clippers, no que tips, he is smelly, dirty, nasty, life basically sucks. For his entire existence he was either hungry or eating raw carcass of some type. If he was lucky he might have some vegetables or fruit nearby. Until the visual stimulation of the first Homo Katoey and he discovered what his member is to be used for! At least NOW he had something to look forward too.

All species have the basic instinct of self-preservation / survival. Being the significantly smaller of the species (as God, Allah, Buddha and Darwin intended) the females’ primal genetic motivation of survival comes in the form of finding a mate to be protector / provider. Being smaller and weaker she required a provider / protector for her and her potential offspring. Back then it was survival of the fittest; the fittest was generally the biggest and strongest; the worst of the pack. The best hunters and the best fighters were especially desired because they were the best providers. If you were not a good hunter, you had better be a good fighter, that way you could kick the hunter’s ass and take the food away from him especially when he was tired after the hunt. The hunters and fighters were most likely to put the food on the table (or on the ground nearby, since they didn’t have tables yet). In those days, the best hunter / fighter would often have several wives because he could provide for them.

Even though many things have changed over the years these same basic instincts drives how the female selects its potential mate today. The female is still looking for the best provider. However, modern times have changed the way the best provider is determined. Today the best provider is not necessarily the male that can run down the deer, kick the bear’s ass and pick you up with one hand and snap your back like a twig.

Today the best provider is the guy with the most MONEY, which is the reason professional athletes have the advantage over the rest of us. They have size, strength and MONEY, but just having large amounts of money is enough; giving the nerdy little computer geeks of the world hope and the ability to attract mates (Melinda Gates is pretty HOT!).

With the guy that has largest bank accounts getting the chick (or the hottest chicks). I find it amazing that the really rich guys don’t have dozens of wives. Unfortunately the laws of today don’t allow for multiple wives—explaining why Bill Gates, Warren Buffet and Rupert Murdoch don’t have homes with thousands of concubines—or at least they can’t advertise it if they do. But it did not stop Hugh Hefner. He is truly an admirable human being!

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The exception to the one wife rule (without doing the whole Mormon conversion and moving to Utah thing) is; you may have multiple wives, if they live on different continents (or at least in different countries) and you don’t tell one about the other. It helps to have a stupid female in each location to accommodate this! I have known guys that do this from the USA, Australia, England, Japan and Thailand. As for myself, I DO NOT want two wives! But two girlfriends would be VERY cool! — But I digress…

The basic primordial instincts of the female are to seek a provider while the primal purpose of the male existence is for procreation. As males, as soon as we pass puberty, we have a built in desire for sex. If we are not able to find a partner we are quite happy satisfying ourselves. As a matter of fact, if you are a male between the ages of 16-40 years old there is a great likelihood that you have pleased yourself within the last 24 hours. If not, it means you are married to a nymphomaniac – WELL DONE!!!

PAUSE–Take a moment to reflect upon the very first time you pleasured yourself. What was the girls name that you were thinking of the first time Mr. Happy went off? (Cathy for me) And how long was it before you made him “go off” again? Hahaha me too! But I digress…

The intermingling of the species from differing areas of origin can create a unique set of circumstances and problems of concern. This is especially true when mixing the dark skinned, hairless, female version from the northern part of Thailand with the white skinned hairy back male of European descent. But the basic instincts of male female relationship are still acted upon as it was by our quadped, knuckle walking forefathers. This is especially true when dealing with the small, brown skinned hairless female and the large white skinned hairy back. I will explain—

The white hairy back is prolific in the rural areas of the USA, Australia, Great Britain and all of Western Europe. It has a propensity to be ignorant, and is drawn to shiny objects, bright lights, loud noises, houses of ill repute and beer. The white hairy-back while being fine in its original habitat; once removed from its familiar surroundings tends to over indulge in alcohol and act in a manner deserving of attack by the smaller yet equally ignorant indigenous small brown skinned males. As happens sometimes in the Nana area of Bangkok; the same primal instincts that drive sexual urges are directly tied to the “fight or flight” instinct. It is as real today as it was in the beginning of man. If you have ever watched 6 or 8 undersized, hairless back, brown skinned, indigenous males beat the shit out of an oversized white hairy back in the Nana Hotel entrance / parking lot. You realize that the fight or flight instinct / judgment is often distorted due to ignorance, ego and over consumption of alcohol. But I digress…

The white-skinned hairy back is especially attracted to the brown skin hairless feminine features. In fact, the golden brown skin, big brown eyes, long black hair, sparkling white teeth, perky breasts, tight-petite, lithe, hard bodies are too much for the fat hairy back to resist (reminding me to call my travel agent!).

Additionally; the small and still attractive version of the white hairy back is elusive and practically extinct. They have been put on the endangered list and are a protected species. The ones worth having are already being pursued by the professional athlete or the ultra-rich computer nerd.

The brown skinned female of the species of northern Thailand is especially attracted to the white-skinned hairy back due to the thickness, length and width of their —- BANK ACCOUNTS (get your mind outta the gutter Johnny). The bank accounts of the male version of the small, hairless back, brown skin species is small, short and thin, making them undesirable to the female version due to the inability to provide.

The most desirable white skinned hairy backs are clever and are able to successfully traverse the myriad of; motorcycles, mopeds, salesmen and saleswomen, tuktuks, taxis, free lancers, lady boys, and vendors that is also known as the entrance / driveway of the Nana Hotel without incident; meaning he must get thru without a freelancer or ladyboy under his arm, without being attacked by a band of brown skinned males, and he must have his fat, long, thick wallet in-tact.

Another reason the white hairy back male travels across the large body of water to pursue the small brown skinned hairless is because the female version of the white hairy back has become (all too often) larger than the male version (not as God, Allah, Buddha nor Darwin intended). Making them undesirable to the opposite sex altogether; creating a new species called the Homo Lesbianus. The Homo Lesbianus is similar to the Homo Erectus in that they are large, stinky and do not have the ability to procreate. The small and desirable white skin females are often mentally deformed; having been brainwashed into believing that female genitalia is so desired by the male species that it deserves to be treated in a superior manner just for having and maintaining the equipment. This in part is what causes the white skin hairy back male to desire travel across the large body of water to pursue the more desirable brown skin female.

Once the courting dance of white skinned hairy back and dark skinned tight body has transpired the problems begin—remember the origin of attraction is based on genetic make-up of thousands of years gone by—the female wanting a provider—and the male of the species wanting to procreate or at least go thru the motions as often as possible and by making himself feel needed by being the protector. Now you have the perfect setting for drama because unknown to the white skinned hairy back—

The dark-skinned, hairless, northern Thai female has an advanced mental capacity and just uses its physical beauty, sexual skills (yeah baby), sly, and cunning nature to fool the large yet stupid white-skinned hairy back into overly PROVIDING, and requires provisions not only the dark skin female and offspring but also requires providing for the entire gawd-damn village!

The white skinned hairy back being seduced and used by the cagey, streetwise, dark skinned hairless becomes unable to distinguish between truth and reality and therefore returns across the water, back to their home countries with small, thin, empty bank accounts, heavy hearts, and special gifts of disease to be shared with spouses or significant others. But I digress…

Stickman's thoughts:

Darwin would be proud.

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