Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 113

  • Written by Dana
  • December 24th, 2005
  • 10 min read




BUY A CHICKEN

Hello Stickmanites–Dana here with a survey. You can score yourselves at home. No cheating.

1. Do you like the company of fun loving attractive Thai women?
2. Would you like to have sexual relationships with them? You know, where you are both naked and she is not looking at her watch.
3. Would you like it to be more than just ‘Slam–Bam–Thank You Mam'? Are you like me? Do you sometimes yearn for a long term relationship of commitment and loyalty and love? You know, something over an hour.
4. Would you like your invested time to reap long term benefits? You know, where she remembers your name (ok, forget that) or face 24 hours later.
5. Can you buy a chicken? A roast chicken. Not a real chicken you idiot. A cooked chicken. And my advice is to be a part of this and make sure they really cook it. Most roast chickens in Thailand are not cooked enough. (And then they wonder why they get sick.) Anyway, find a reliable source of cooked chickens. You are going to be one of their best customers.
6. Can you be patient? I know, you have forgotten what that word means in Thailand. In other words can you pretend you don't want it even though you could hold up a pail of water with your dick.
7. Can you take direction? That's right, can you do what you are told? 'Cause I ain't going to waste my time with you if you think this is some kind of conversation or debate. I'm going to TELL you what you gotta do. Who's in?

Well, Stickmanites; if you answered ‘Yes' to all seven questions than you are in luck because I am going to fill you in on how to meet fun loving Thai women and have a good time.

Number one you have to buy a chicken.

That's right, a cooked chicken. Roast chicken or rotisserie chicken–whatever they want to call it; all you gottta know is get a cooked chicken. Then you go to the open air bar section on the right just in front of the Walking Street sign in Pattaya. Actually any open bar scenario in Pattaya will probably work but I am using very personal information here as a teaching tool. By around 4:30 p.m. there will be about 10 little bars set up and getting ready to entertain until about 1:00 a.m. The girls who arrive at 4:00 p.m. are going to be there until 1:00 a.m. Nine hours. If they started at 3:00 p.m. it is 10 hours. At lot of them go on duty at 2:00 p.m. so by the time the bar is shutting down at 1:00 a.m. it has been an eleven hour day. Eleven hours. Maybe one 'short time'. It is a long long day. Look over the bar at the floor they have to stand on. Concrete. No wooden pallets or rubber mats to stand on. No union. Tough work. These cute fun loving charming feminine wonders work like animals. So around 4:30 the mamasans allow the girls to have an early dinner at the bar. There isn't that much business and it is going to be another long hard day. It is the kind of dinner where all of the girls bring something and the bar becomes a buffet. It is a fun low stress time of socializing and eating. They don't talk much. They eat like Thai women everywhere. With purpose and focus. Sharks with breasts. You'd think they had just gotten a message from Buddha that it was their last meal. That is when you show up. With your chicken.

You pull the roasted chicken out of the bag and ask them if they would like some chicken and can you join them. They will say ‘Yes'.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

Now here comes the patient part. Just eat with them. Talk to them and listen to them and try the different strange things they are eating. If you are like me this requires an almost superhuman hyperalertness to avoid anything with spice. My esophagus got permanently damaged years ago on the quaint Thai diet of battery acid, magnesium flares and grated napalm so I have to be very careful. This is almost impossible in restaurants where spice is on all of the cooking utensils and in all of the pots and pans and on the walls and ceiling and floor and on the forearms and hands and the tops of the shoes of the cooks but when eating with the girls in the bar they will protect me. By the time I have said "Mai Phet" and mimed a crazy farang slashing movement at my throat about twenty times they will take me by the hand like a baby and make sure I don't eat any spice.

Anyway, back to you–Don't talk too much. Soon they will be tearing off pieces of chicken and hand feeding you. This will delight you and flatter you and most probably cause your 'asshole' gene to flare up. Don't make a big deal out of this. It is the Thai way. Don't make too much eye contact. Just have dinner with them. No hustling. Don't try to be clever. Candidly, you are the 400 millionth guy to stand at the bar in the last 8 months. What are the odds that you are going to look clever? No sex talk. The next afternoon or two days later you show up with a chicken again. Etc. It's a fun thing and you will learn some things about Thai culture and Thai food. Ok, you don't really give a shit about Thai culture and Thai food but you will learn anyway and they will like you for learning. In your absence they will discuss you. Decisions will be made.

At the end of the week you will find that you are taking one of them home. Well, not actually home. To your hotel room or condo. You know, the place where none of the ceiling or floor moldings meet properly in the corners because the Thai contractor didn't have a miter box. Anyway, you will have a great time. It is extremely unbelievably important that she have a good time. She does not have to have a great time. But she does have to have a reliable respectful good time. Because she will become your resume for all of the other girls back at the bar. A good report from her and a few more chickens and suddenly you will be filling up your days and nights with the soft brown arms of chicken loving women.

And don't forget the other girls at the other bars have been watching this. You haven't been watching them because to have your attention wander from the girls in front of you to other wonders at other bars is like putting a gun to your head. But believe me when I tell you–about the fourth time you show up with a roast chicken for a buffet dinner at your favorite bar you will be the object of attention. Just assume that all the girls know each other. In fact, in Thailand; it is always good to assume that all the girls in the Kingdom know each other. You say you are in Phuket now and you are chatting with a really appealing woman but last night you were in Bangkok where you spent the night with Daow from the Lollipop bar in the NEP? Well, just assume that Phuket's 'really appealing woman' and Daow from Bangkok know each other. In your own country this would make no sense and telling this to someone would label you paranoid but the Kingdom and the girls of the Kingdom are not like any other place. They all know each other. Trust me it will pay dividends in the future.

Anyway, the other girls at the other bars have been watching you bringing in a chicken every day or so for a week. They have watched you talk and eat and laugh with Oh and Song and Nit and Nong and Na and Noi and Poo and Poom and Pa and Pong. They have watched you behave yourself and they have seen the girls hand feeding you and offering you the other foods on the bar counter. Soon you will not be able to get to your bar with your girlfriends and with your chicken without all of the other girls at the other bars yelling and smiling and waving and grabbing at you. "Heh, hansum man; where's our chicken?" It's a good thing.

Sometimes when I am sick or tired or just boom-boomed out in Pattaya I still find the time to bring my girls a chicken. There's no rush. In a couple of days I'll be feeling better and they will have made a decision about who is going to try me.

And this points up something else that I have learned to my very great pleasure and profit in the Dana world of giving and receiving love. If there are ten bars each with ten girls that equals one hundred girls. But the farang that circulates through all ten bars and all one hundred girls often ends up with nothing. He didn't put the time in. The girls don't know him. He isn't interesting to them yet. All of the professional South Pattaya girls are making more money than their sisters back home. In fact they are making more money than they ever dreamed of. They don't really need to jump on everything that wears pants. If you don't look interesting or fun they don't really need to know 'Where You Stay'.

I have found 100% of the time that it is much more profitable to just farm one plot of land. Just work one bar. It doesn't matter which bar so don't waste time trying to make the right decision. Don't be so western about it. Just pick a bar at random. My experience is that a bar one or two rows back from the street works best. It's less frantic and less noisy and the girls are more receptive because they have less business. Get to know every girl. They all have friends. And tomorrow there will be different faces. And the day after tomorrow there will be more faces. The mamasan is watching. She has more girls. Be a good guy. Then you'll be like me. Never lonely. And you'll have guys saying things to you like they say to me:

"Dana–how the hell do you do it? Where do they all come from?"

JUST BUY A CHICKEN

So the next time you see a farang carrying a roast chicken down the beach boulevard towards the open air bars just in front of the Walking Street sign in South Pattaya that is me. But don't mess with me. Guys have tried to take away my roast chicken because they imagine it is some secret talisman that guarantees luck with the ladies Nothing could be further from the truth. A man and a chicken is not enough. You have to know what you are doing. You send the average 'just-off-the-plane' farang into a bar full of beautiful Thai females with a roast chicken and all he is going to come out with is greasy fingers. I am thinking of setting up seminars.

So don't mess with me. I'll fight you for the chicken. Big tall strong young guys with tattoos and accents are always trying to take away my chicken. Don't even think about it. Every see a mongoose fight a bear? Think me and you pinhead. Me with my two hands gripping a big roast chicken and headed for the open air bars of Beach Road is like a rugby player holding the ball with the goal line in sight. Or better yet, think of a soi dog with a spring roll in its mouth in front of the oncoming headlights of a tuk-tuk. We are talking seriously athletic broken field running. Why just last week a big giant farang from Denmark tried to steal my chicken . . . .

But that is another story.


Stickman's thoughts:

Another story? Let's hope it will be coming soon.